OMG They Found the Cure for Stupid
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Ladies, sorry if this is a repeat (I haven't read all 80 pages) but this is one of my favs!
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! " I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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And now a word from our stupid product sponsor
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When your kids need a time out
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It is spring in the Northern Hemisphere.
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Lowrider, have you been here looking for CG yet?
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LOVE the Water Closet! What a way to start the morning
Thank you!!!! Absolutely hilarious! 0 -
Clucking with my coffee - I had never read ANY of those stories/letters. Feral chickens & cold wax. So funny!!!
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The W.C. had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants, lol!!!
The wax, OMG!
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CANDLE FOR SALE
$1.00
Hi Ladies, I am new to this thread and was reading last night, only got to page 6 when DH had to interrupt to see what I was laughing about.
THANKS FOR THE LAUGHTER
I have no idea how I posted this pic, it's my first one ever, (hope it posts with this message). I copied it from craigslist and when I saw this single, unlit, for sale candle I started laughing all over again. So here's to the candle messaging people in our lives, I'll never look at another one the same way again.
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https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Fair-Oaks-Chickens/98972465935
Fair Oaks, CA loves it's feral chicken population......they have their own facebook page...lol
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Checking in for my daily laugh "fix"..
Shall I order more asparagus for the Hen-House? I forget whose job that is?
Where is Lowrider? Maybe she is DEEP undercover...
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Welcome to all of you just joining us! I think we need to start building an extension to the Hen House. Great to have more of you here!
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Ohmygosh, my gizzard hurts from laughing so hard!
Lowrider, come in, Lowrider - check in chickie!
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M-O-M, thanks for that. Now I have that tune etched in my brain, and I know that I will be singing it all day!!!
Joni, I was planning to make an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed, but I don't think that I'll be able to have it done without cringing. I realize that the two areas are totally different, but still....
Off to buy a candle now.
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Seriously - the stupid pale baby and hip tan baby made my day - so cute!!!
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Oooooooooohhhh..asparagus cones! Better order some of them in too for the Hen House..
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Let's have the "treat" man park his van beside the hen house so we can endulge whenever we feel like it.
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Young man, how long is your asparagus?
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Is that asparagus, or are you just happy to see me?
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Makraz..that ice cream/asparagus combo actually looks good to me right now..*L*
Meece..good thinking!
MindoverMatter...my oh my..*L* And love the avatar!
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The Horse and the Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!0 -
The Horse and the Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!0 -
LOL!!!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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