Not quite a horder - decluttering
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Teka--LOL at the poem! Too funny!
Jazzy--way too much stuff!
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Greetings of the New Year to all of you. The holidays were nice. Still, I am glad to be getting back to a regular routine.
I am currently reading a book called What your clutter is trying to tell you. One chapter is discussing emotional clutter, and it is giving me food for thought. I ran into a couple of unprovoked disagreements with two different relatives during Christmastime--in other words, uncomfortable situations arose suddenly without my even understanding why. Here I was, simply going about enjoying the season and then I had to assert myself so I didn't get walked all over. I tend to give more of my time and put more effort into people with whom it doesn't necessarily pay off. They don't value or appreciate what I do. I get little or nothing in return. I hope in reevaluating my actions and my approach, I can learn to use my energies in ways that do not make me feel futile and feel do not make me feel I'm being taken for granted.
Overall, I did less decorating this Christmas. Too much decking the halls makes me claustrophobic. I let Christmas happen rather than try to manufacture it. I'm happy for the clean slate that January brings.
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my mom likes stuff but isn't that bad. She'll throw stuff out but she loves knick nacks. I don't know how you wouldn't get depressed or claustrophobic in that situation unless you have a huge house to spread it out.
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Divine- I love your discussion of emotional clutter. Holidays are some of the worst times to deal with family resentments, grudges, expectations and more. I fortunately know those patterns with my family and often don't seem them for the holidays, we visit at other times of the year when their emotional state is not quite so "charged." Holidays are a difficult time for many, but really have had to learn how to be walked on or over end of the year but many unhappy people. I personally have found I cannot do drama in the post cancer world.
I went to spend Thanksgiving this year with a friend, and said I would only come if we were NOT getting involved with anything around his family (very aware of some ongoing family drama). But alas, despite my creating boundaries with that, something happened anyways. It happened half way through the trip and put a damper on the rest of the visit, but finished it up on a positive note and then said "well we won't do that again, will we?" Not my circus, not my monkeys as my friend Native Mainer tells us on another thread.
I spent Xmas to New Years where I live minus any family around, and did things I enjoyed and also spent time with friends at two parties Xmas day and also 2 yesterday for NY day. It was just the best time ever. I am always personally glad to be to the new year myself!
Less clutter, better boundaries, and all the rest for the new year! Keep purging folks!
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My Dad has been given a discharge date of this Friday from the rehab.
There's a meeting tomorrow afternoon with his Case Manager from the local Elder Services to make sure everything is ready for his return home (medication, equipment, services)
Once he gets home, my two older siblings/squatters will be there to "help" him.
I don't know if there will be another home study before discharge. Dad has been in hospitals and rehab for the last 10 months. He saw the house briefly during the last home visit/inspection. It probably didn't show during the visit, but my sister has been sleeping in my parents' bed. The room she's supposed to use is too cluttered for her to get to the bed.
Hoping all goes well this week, and moving forward.
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Mominator- I wish you the best this week. This is a hard situation you are in friend
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Mominator--talk to the social worker or discharge planner at the rehab before your Dad goes home and ask for a home health nursing referral. This may already be planned to continue PT and OT at home, nursing can help with medication management, and this will have people trained to evaluate home settings for problems coming in regularly, and intervening if necessary. Having home health services will take the focus and pressure off you while still making sure your Dad's care and health is priority.
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I appreciate all the support on this thread.
Jazzy and DivineMrsM: discussions about emotional clutter, family resentments, grudges, expectations, and boundaries and more. I remember the stories as you cleaned out your parents' homes. So sad.
Poodles: yes, it's sad that my parents went from messy housekeepers to full-on hoarders. And my siblings have made it worse.
Poodles and NativeM: it has helped my commitment to clean my house. I'm afraid to become my parents, and worse, I'm afraid my children will also go from cluttered to hoarders.
We had a quiet, simple Christmas this year. Hubby is recovering from surgery, so I didn't want him lifting the boxes back and forth from the attic. He did bring down the tree in pieces (clever man!) and the lights, also the Advent wreath. The tree was pretty enough with the colored lights and a few angels.
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Yes, NativeMainer, we will be asking about all those services at the meeting. Unfortunately, Case Manager from the local Elder Services had to postpone today's meeting (had his own family emergency).
Today's big news: My sister, the squatter, just got a cat!
She posted in our sibling chat that she got the cat. I said a cat doesn't belong in Mom and Dad's house.
Apparently, she "discussed" getting a cat with Mom and Dad. They had "no problems" with her getting the cat.
I said that neither parent is probably thinking very clearly at this time. The house is too cluttered for something else to live there. Dad will be tripping over it. A cat costs about $1,000 per year in food, litter, supplies, and vet bills. That money should be going to paying bills and making improvements to make the house safer for Mom and Dad.
She said that "Animals are great for stress. Cats are especially best for people with heart issues due to stress." Also, "she is my kitty. She is my responsibility."
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I bet you are furious! I'm furious just reading this. The last thing your parents need is someone else's pet living in the house. Unfortunatly, your sister has probably bullied them into agreeing with this. I've seen it so many times. Your parents may not want the pet but they don't want to be the bad guys either. So they go along to get along. Honestly? I have never seen this end well. I know this has to be heart-breaking.
I'm a big proponent of home health. They can be a second set of eyes, ears, and noses for you. Often parents will hide their worries and failings from their children, especially the ones they know will make a fuss (waving my hand over here!) But they will own up to stuff with their nurse because they don't feel threatened. Parents don't want their kids knowing about their finances or their healthcare and they will go to great lengths to hide things. I just went through all this with my mother last year and it was just about the hardest thing I've ever endured.
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Mominator--sometimes a simple holiday brings the best memories. I can imagine how furious you are with squatter sibling now bringing in a cat. Do your sibs think they are going to be given the house when your parents pass on? And if so, is that a realistic expectation? I'm asking because I've seen this kind of scenario many times in my career as a Hospice nurse. One of the most common family dynamics we see involves family members who move into the parents' home to help take care of Mom and Dad with the expectation that they will then have a free home to live in when the parents have passed on and are upset to find out that the plan is to sell the home and divide the money or the home is willed to a different person, or that they are then living in a house with a big mortgage that they are required to pay in order to stay there. This actually happened in my own family. I advise you to find out what is going to happen with the home when your parents are gone, so you can take appropriate action now. If the sibs aren't going to be staying in the home the executor of the will may need to give the sibs a written eviction notice before being able to do anything with the home like preparing it for sale or generally cleaning it up. The estate will still have to pay for electricity, heating, utilities, taxes, etc until the sibs move out, unless they are notified that they will be responsible for those costs. If your Mom and Dad aren't able to mentally handle this kind of thing you may want to look into legal guardianship or durable powers of attorney so you can help them with this kind of thing as well as everyday bills and home maintenance. Talk to the social worker at the nursing home, he/she can give you state specific detailed information about such things and give you resources to contact for more help.
Poodles--too true how parents will go to enormous lengths to protect their adult children from thinking anything at all is wrong. And it makes for horrendously difficult situations for those same adult children in the long run.
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Mominator- you may have already done this, but getting a good elder atty to assist you and ensure your have the right legal support around this may be a good thing to do. Especially if you have to evict your siblings from the home and for the longer term estate needs.
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Native, the inner workings of family domesticity has to be a real eye opener in your line of work as Hospice nurse. I am sure you can tell many a tale.
Mominator, I also suspect your sister is trying to get a reaction out of you by getting the cat. Do you think she wants some attention and likes having the fireworks fly, just a little more to add to the family situation? It seems, too, that she is doing her best to let you know you can't tell her what to do, she will do as she pleases.
My siblings got on my last wire as we dealt with selling my Dad's house years ago. I found some relief in the views of my son, who was in high school at the time. He didn't have all the emotional baggage I did with them as he saw them as fun loving aunts and uncles. But he also saw their less than good side, and was able to joke with me about it (in private) and it helped lighten the experience. So, if you can find a person like that, relative or good friend, it can be a coping mechanism as you deal with everything.
And of course, we are here to offer support!
My mother in law used her youngest--my husband--to make herself look good to the older three siblings. As an outsider, I saw it, but dh thought he was being the long suffering good son. His older sibs thought their mother was doing a terrific job living on her own. Then dh visited her one day and she told him she was in big financial trouble...and not to tell her other kids! Which of course, I told him get right on the phone to them. She ended up filing bankruptcy. But she could sure spin a tall bullshit tale, covering up things that didnt go right.
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I read this on a Linked In discussion group today and liked what it had to say. I do many of these, probably you do too but some better than others. Seemed like this group might like this as it speaks to several levels of de-cluttering and organizing better (stuff, finances, times, etc.)
Enjoy!
https://resultize.com/2017/12/28/new-year-resoluti...
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Mrs M--I could write a book about the family dynamics and dramas I've seen over the years, and the surprising places I've found some of the worst ones. And I've met many an elder who really kept the wool pulled over the children's eyes regarding financial, health, and other issues.
Jazzy--thanks for the article link, I've just skimmed it, but am going to go back and really read it later.
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Mrs M--I could write a book about the family dynamics and dramas I've seen over the years, and the surprising places I've found some of the worst ones. And I've met many an elder who really kept the wool pulled over the children's eyes regarding financial, health, and other issues.
Jazzy--thanks for the article link, I've just skimmed it, but am going to go back and really read it later.
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Divine: I don't think my sister can think far enough ahead to do things for a reaction or fireworks. Rather, she is just a lonely woman. Yes, she needs attention. She has often gotten attention from men, but she consistently picks the wrong man. Now she's going to be getting it from a cat.
You are right: I can't tell her what to do. She visits our parents just enough. She doesn't spend much time with them. And yes, she will do as she pleases. I texted if she put another container of recycling out this week. She just said yes. I texted back, "Awesome! What went out this week and from what room(s)?" No response. Since she loves to brag about how much she does for our parents, she would have gone on and on about how many piles and how heavy they were and how she carefully picked piles of magazines that she knew that Mom wasn't going to miss.
No bragging = no work done.
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My Dad was released from the rehab (coincidentally a few days after my sister got the cat).
My Mom was just put on hospice.
She just wants to go home. But she can't go home.
I told my siblings about two of my friends went through hospice at home. Hospice comes in, rents a hospital bed, sets it up in a bedroom, and each friend was able to spend their last days with their family.
My brother reminded me of how cluttered our parents' house is. There is no place to put the bed. Also, there is now a leak that no one is repairing, and mold starting. That's not safe for Mom.
Even if we could possible find room for the hospital bed, no one will be taking care of Mom. My Dad is still very weak from his 10 months in rehab. He can barely walk. My two squatter siblings won't be taking care of Mom 24/7.
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Mominator- you need to get an elder atty involved and get some advice on what to do about your parents home. An elder atty can help you to ensure your parents are where they need to be and how to best dispose of the house and also how to get your sibling out. There are organizations that will come in and clear out houses of stuff and get the home restored to make it salable.
We had an elder atty who helped us with both our parents situations. They both needed advanced care at the end of their lives, and we had to take over a couple times and then finally get the house sold. Even though my sister and I did have "our moments", we both were on the same page that their well being came first (and we both lived far away and not looking to live in their home).
My heart goes out to you. It is hard enough to deal with aging parent stuff, never mind difficult siblings.
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Mominator, my heart breaks for you. What a mess. Its not enough that your dad is extremely weakened and your mom is on hospice, but you have to put up with these siblings' antics. You're right, though. You can't bring your mom home to all that. I wonder if its even safe for your dad to be there?
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Mominator--Oh dear, what a plateful you have. It's sad when someone wants to go home to die but can't for whatever reason. If the home's not safe for your Mom, it's probably not safe for your Dad or the squatter siblings. Call and talk to the Hospice agency Social Worker working with your Mom. We deal with this kind of situation all the time, the Social Worker can give you info about what agencies might be able to help, and probably be able to give you names and numbers of Elder Attorneys in the area.Now is the time for your Mom and Dad to make sure wills and such are up to date and for your Dad to begin thinking about what he is going to do and where he is going to live after Mom dies, and make final disposition choices about the house.
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Mominator, it sounds like a frustrating and very stressful situation. What is the hardest part for you? What is helping you get through it all?
It seems the aging process is difficult for everyone, those actually aging, and the family caregivers of the aged. My mother in law, who lives across the street and turns 90 this year, had a heart attack last summer. Amazingly, she survived and got 7 stents put in. In the past six months, we've taken her to thr ER three times. I have no idea what's to happen to her when she can no longer live by herself. Dh and I have looked out for her for almost 30 years and it will be time for his older 3 siblings who do very little to take over. I try not to worry about it, but kind of hard not to. Although I always look ot for her best interests, my MIL in her younger years was always very snarky to me so it isn't always easy to having loving thoughts towards her.
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This is a very familiar topic among my friends.
In my family we had the brother who ended up being the caregiver for my parents until the end so they did get to stay in their house. He’s also is the one who didn’t have a job while the rest of us worked FT, married and all but 1 have children.
Years of trying to swim upstream cost my brother but at least he had a roof over his head, food, a car to drive, etc. We all appreciated him being there for our parents and we all tried to help as much as we could.
He got rewarded. The house and money in their bank account went to him. Not rich but certainly helped his financial situation. We all got keepsakes and furniture that had our names on it in their will.
It’s really sad your siblings aren’t supportive or helpful. Somehow it always falls on a few but they are the first in line at the reading of the Will.
It’s heartbreaking when they can’t go home. It’s unfair when they worked so hard to have that home. They have to be safe though.
It’s tough this aging process and much harder to see our parents age. We become the parents.
Good luck.
Diane
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Jazzy - my younger brother and I were thinking of hiring someone to clean out. But there are some treasures under all that crap.
Also, there's no money for an elder attorney.
Poodles - I'm sure it's not safe for Dad. He told me today he almost fell just walking with his walker. However, "this is my house" is a frequent refrain. He doesn't have the strength nor the money to maintain his house, but he'll never leave it willingly.
Native - we were afraid that the Social Worker wouldn't let Dad go home when rehab discharged him. However, there is no where else to go. Of us children, two are squatters in the same house, another has an old home with no room, and I live 300 miles away.
There were wills. At one point, the wills stated that only $1 would go to my sister. That was after she and her drug addict husband had "borrowed" so many thousands of dollars. The wills may now be 4 equal shares, but there probably won't be any money left after paying their bills.
The house may go to the two squatter siblings. My younger brother and I don't know what to do with them. Right now, they are "helping" Dad. My sister is doing the minimum. My older brother disappears to "work." He drives an uber, but really doesn't make much money. Neither are paying rent.
Divine - the hardest part is being so far away. When we visited over the holidays, we were shocked at my mother's condition. She was in terrible pain, couldn't eat the food, and her nails were long and neglected. I had my younger brother, medical proxy, come with me and we had some conversations with the nurse manager. We were able to get my mother on a regular pain medication schedule, rather than just PRN every 4 to 6 hours. NM worked with the kitchen to get softer foods for my mother (she had few teeth). NM gave me some nail tools and I took care of my mother's nails. Younger brother works full time, but sister should be doing that. One thing that helps is stepping back to allow each of them to make their own choices.
Edwards - I wouldn't mind the siblings living in the house if they were really helping Dad and Mom. Brother does nothing and sister really does just the barest minimum.
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My sister's in-laws were hoarders of the 9th degree. I mean, it truly was something like you'd see on TV. Her husband's parents were very secretive about their affairs and none of the siblings lived in the same state with the parents, so they weren't around to keep a finger on things. His parents were adamant that they were fine, didn't need help. Well, that all changed one night when his mother fell out of bed and his dad couldn't lift her to get back into bed. He had to call 911--it took them 20 minutes just to get the stretcher from the street to her bedside! His dad begged them to just put his mom in bed and leave, but the house was in such a deplorable state that the EMTs had no choice but to call Adult Protective Services. They both ended up at the hospital. Turned out, his mom broke her hip and back in the fall (yikes!). While she was hospitalized it became abundantly clear that she was deep in the throes of dementia. She tanked during the hospital stay and passed away. The home was declared unsafe and the husband had to move to assisted living ($$$). My sister and her DH had to move across the country to clean out the house and get it ready to sell. It took them 6 WEEKS of working 10hrs a day to go through the stuff--as you said, there was good stuff among the junk, so they had to go through. Every.Little.Piece. Even after the house was cleaned out, it was clear that his dad couldn't take care of things anymore. Six weeks and 5 dumpsters later, they sold the house and his dad used the money to fund the assisted living facility.
Mominator, it might be worth your while to at least consult with an elder law attorney. I know you say there is no money, but there is a LOT at stake here. Do either one of them have a power of attorney document for financial or healthcare? Somebody needs to know where the Wills are and what they contain. Somebody needs to know what to do about the house, the taxes, etc. If updates are needed, they can be done. Don't wait until one of them passes.(My dad passed without a valid will and it was no end of difficulty to us.)
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Poodles - I'll ask my younger brother for an update.
Last I knew, Doctors forced Dad to sign medical proxies for himself and Mom after her concussion last year. I think we still don't have POA. I asked my siblings to have Mom sign POA after she "recovered" from her concussion, but she and Dad refused. Now she is showing more signs of dementia, so she may not be able sign a POA now.
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Mominator, is there a law school in your parents' vicinity? If so, there are often clinics comprised of students (working under the guidance of a professor) who consult pro bono on various legal matters. There may also be a group connected with the bar association (check with the local courthouse) that provides services free of charge. It might also be worth talking to a social worker at the hospital; they may be able to suggest someone who could assist you. Good luck handling this challenging situation.
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We discoverred that my mom had some dementia last year, when she was so sick. Thankfully, she had a financial POA, which allowed us to step in and take over paying her bills. Unfortunately, she did not create a healthcare POA, which meant that we had no rights to make any decisions for her. And she was making some baaaad decisions. An attorney advised thast we could either try to cajole her into making appropriate decisions or we could take her to court and have her adjudicated incompetent. Eek! She was with it enough that she would have been highly offended if we took her to court, so that idea was quickly shelved. All we could do was hang on for the ride.
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Well, ladies, I guess we are on the right thread. One reason many of us work on decluttering our homes is so we don't have to put our kids through more difficulty dealing with our excess "stuff" when we are gone than they have to.
In addition to decluttering, numerous projects dh and I have tackled the past few years around the house is not only to make our home more comfortable but also to make it more sellable down the road. We didn't want to wait until we're 75 or 80 years old to do things like add a handrail to the basement steps, replace worn out windows, ect.
We're currently renovating our upstairs bathroom. The last time that room saw a good day was back in the 80s! Extremely outdated, and as we got into the project, we realized how rather disgustngly grungy it was. The tub and shower surround was replaced by a contractor, and we'll paint, replace vanity, toilet, ceiling tiles, ect., ourselves. It's turning out to be a lot more work and decision making that we realized, yet well worth the effort. We're no stranger to updating and upgrading. The house was a true fixer upper 30 years ago, so over that time, we've developed skillsets to tackle this stuff.
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Mominator--sounds like things are pretty settled as far as who gets what. Your Dad has the right to make his own choices, even if we don't like them. It must be so hard to be so far away. The squatter sibs may be living rent free now, but if they get the house they'll have to come up with property taxes and pay utilities and groceries and such. I wonder if they've thought about that part of things?
Good advice about free or low cost legal help. Many states or larger towns have free or low cost legal assistance for the elderly. It might take some looking, or check with the social worker at the nursing home or hospice.
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