A place to talk death and dying issues
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That's life.
Happy birthday. Hope you feel more like yourself soon.
My daughter is 12 and my son almost 15. If I get 2 more years I'll be grateful (but still pissed off...)
I have started to do some low key stuff with them like getting them to help me make the pizza dough, setting up bank accounts and talking about money, dyeing my sons hair (that was fun!) etc.
I am thinking about talking to specific friends who have offered to do stuff for the kids so for example, my daughters godmother has said she will take her to afternoon tea at the Savoy in London on her 18th birthday and another friend is going to keep an eye on my sons fashion sense!
I've also started keeping an online diary which is private and which I will let my kids have access to after I die. It's with a company called Penzu and it costs about $20 per year although there is also a free option. you can upload photos and put in links to sites. I did think about a private blog but the default setting is last posts first and I want them to read it in chronological order. They can also print it off to keep.
I suppose it's a bit like Heidi's idea but online.
Laurie x0 -
Good days and bad days, this is all so confusing. I now know I am not as lost as I feel. "Thats Life" and "Alesta29" my kids are just a bit older than yours but, I surely feel like I am letting them down. I have three dd's ages 24, 22, and 20, and my baby is a ds that is 18. Everyone was always shocked at how close they all are. I used to joke that I had them all that quick, so they would all go off to college just as fast. Come on God, it was just a funny. I didn't want them out of my life, and I surely don't want to be gone from theirs. I to will hope to be a long time stage iv survivor, I will do what ever it takes to get there..........as I know we all choose to.
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Do we have any place that has links to funeral/memorial programs or templates? Or obit templates? I want to write my own cuz well, my husband can barely send a text that makes sense, poor guy. i love him anyway!
I did find a nice poem I would like to use
When I'm Gone
When I'm gone to the end of my journey and I travel my last weary mile. Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned, and only remember the smile. Forget unkind words I have spoken, remember some good I have done. Forget that I ever had heartache and remember I had lots of fun. Forget that I've stumbled and blundered and sometimes fell by the way. Remember I have fought some hard battles and won, eve the close of the day. Then forget to grieve for my going, I would not have you sad for a day. But in summer just gather some flowers and remember the place where I lay, and come in the shade of evening. When the sun paints the sky in the west, stand for a few moments beside me and remember only the best.Edited cuz I am a dork and posted early.
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Awwww that's really nice.
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Nice poem - made me blub but that's OK!
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Such a lovely poem - have copied to my 'for my funeral' file :-}
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Thanks, ma111 . I have not checked in for a few days. Last days of school very busy. I moved out of our house and away from hubby. Everything somewhat okay. I am having a good time with the kid's and all but...they seem to think this is a place for all their friends to come to. I have been so busy trying to control the situation I think I'm going nuts!lol I want them all to feel comfortable and have a good time. I feel like if I don't do this now, well you know. I have to say I feel at times though I'm being taken advantage of. They ( my teenagers) don't get it. I also take care of my 2 yr old granddaughter everyday and feel a bit overwhelmed. Oh got to get off again! Kid has popped bike tire and needs me to pick him up! After he sneaked out by the way! Nice poem mizmerz!
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Bobkat:
You have a very full platter bright now. I wonder if you would have a 'family powwow' and explain to the kids what you are feeling and ask them for some suggestions as to how you ALL can help the situation, if they just might surprise you with what they come up with. It's been a LONG time now since I had teenagers in the house, but I know, if we tell others up front what we need, they are amazingly willing to help. Just a thought I can share with you to hopefully make the platter a little lighter!!!
I will keep you in my prayers!!! (Unless you tell me not to)
Vickie
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Poem brought on the tears...maybe its just because I'm not feeling well today, who knows. But its really a good poem.
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That is a really heartfelt and beautiful poem! When I read it, I thought this is how I would like to be remembered!
Thank you for the post.
Rose
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Love your poem, Mzmerz!
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I just now got a new death and dying issue. There is a post from a woman who lost her mother to BC and in this post she tells about how absolutely horrible it was, for her and her mom.
I am freaking out since reading that. I mean I know, we all know, but to actually see it there like that... I don't know how to explain it but it put me in a panic.
I'm still pretty new to all this and some stuff I read on here still hits me kind of hard, but not like this. I'm thinking I'm going to go take a nap on the train tracks before I get to that point which will hopefully be years and years from now, but I can't even think about it without getting all panicky.
Gah, I need some chocolate.
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That life, Sorry I haven't checked this thread. We do have daughters the same age and we are the same age. I don't know how it got out of my favorites. I'm not sure if what I am doing is the correct thing for my daughter. The counselor said to involve her in decision making, so I did. Easier said then done, but necessary. After I let my daughter read my will with my sister it seemed to take a load off her shoulders.
One of her greatest fears was being the one to find me dead, so it is in writing that I do not want to die at home. I am in a hospice program now and they also know this.
She said she wants to live in this house. My sister is in charge of everything which my daughter likes as it would be too stressful for her at such a young age. So, my life insurance is going to pay off the house so all she will have is taxes and utilities.
I hope you are feelikng better!
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Stormy, I still get panicky. I don't know how to get it to go away. I do feel better when some final arrangement have been done.
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thinking of you ma111..... all the time.
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stormy, I think the poster was referring to the mental issues her Mom had before she passed. That certainly doesn't happen to everybody. Please don't let it throw you into a panic. I'm going through some of the same issues with my Mom right now, but she is very elderly and more prone to dementia. The chemo treatments she got exacerbated the problem. Please, please don't think that's going to happen to you. When you're in your 80's it's something that's more likely to happen.
Peggy
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Apple, I also think of you all the time and glad to see you! I was off for a while with small bowel obstruction and pleural effusion. I have my own catheter now and can drain my effusion. Peggy, Thanks for helping Stromy.
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I used to worry a lot about my kids and what would happen to them. I actually am making a vow to teach them how to cut their own meat this summer! they are 11!! OY.
But after meeting a lot of people who lost parents when they were young, and seeing how my boys are growing I KNOW they will be okay.
Those of us with small children, they will be okay. It will suck for them, they will be okay. One of my dear friends was murdered last fall. Her son was 19. He is doing really well. The biggest issue was her estate. Those of you who are single should think about getting a trustee and setting up trusts for your children. You don't have to have big $$ to do this. If you have insurance, 401k etc...I want my $$ to go for college. If they don't go they will only get limited funds until they are 25 or 30.
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In October 2000, our son died in a plane crash (he was the pilot). My husband's sister and a friend were also killed in the accident. Our 3 granddaugters saw the accident happen. They were 15, 12 and 7 at the time. It was/has been hard for them but they are all doing well (their mom did a fantastice job of raising them). The hard times have been especially like graduations, weddings, and other important family occasions. He still lives in all our hearts and the girls focus on good memories of their dad.
Just be up front and honest with kids, they are stronger than many of us 'older' folks give them credit for.....
Vickie
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Having a really hard time at the moment. I had got my head around the liver and other mets etc but the brain mets diagnosis from a few weeks ago has really knocked me for 6 and I don't seem to be able to bounce back.
I spent yesterday tidying our bedroom - clearing things out is my default setting for dealing with stress... In the afternoon, I bought my husband some clothes despite the fact that he's more than capable of doing it himself. I bought my son stuff for going back to school in September. I'm trying to get bit of the house sorted so my husband has less to worry about. I think this may be my last summer (and what a crap one weather wise it is
Have spent today trying to write things down in my online diary and a few weeks ago I bought a voice recorder to tape stuff for when I'm not near a computer. Sometimes I don't know what to write. Do I want my kids and husband knowing how scared I am and how royally pissed off I am that I'm not ready to go. I seem to end up writing stuff about my childhood for them and things I did in my life but when I read it back, it's like it's nothing of consequence but I don't feel able to say the real stuff because it upsets me too much. I guess I'll work it out at some point.
I'm not looking for reassurance that I'll live for many years to come because I know I won't. Just needed to write this down somewhere because I can't tell anyone else how I feel and know you all get it.
Laurie
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Laurie, keep writing/recording. Whatever you capture--thoughts and feelings mundane and profound, childhood experiences and adventures--it's all "real stuff." Your children will treasure every word and love that you made the effort to show them who you are and how you got that way. It's an act of love.
I wish I could hop across the pond and visit with you.
Tina
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Laurie, I have done and felt the things you describe. Spent this weekend going through boxes of paperwork and organizing files. Don't want to leave that for the husband to do; I've always managed the financial things. Been thinking of going to the funeral home and picking out a casket. I don't want to leave it for my family--they may feel they must go with something more expensive and I don't want that.
I too struggle with what to leave behind for my children. Should I make something handmade for each of them....fill out a memory book....write letters of encouragement and advice?
My oldest daughter loves everything British--yesterday she fixed tea and scones for me. She and I were planning a trip to England next summer. I shed tears (when she couldn't see me) about all the lovely things I am going to miss doing with my children when they are adults. I have poured my life into them and now I will miss seeing the rewards of that.
I am still in the midst of treatment and hoping for more time, but feeling like I need to be realistic too. Such a confusing place to be.
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Everytime I think about videotaping or recording anything for the kids, I just break down in tears. I bought a book called, "All About Me". It is a book that has certain questions that you are supposed to fill out. It asks about your best friend in grade school, your first kiss, etc. I found it was easier to answer the questions than think of my own things to say. I also bought a book that talks about my marriage to my husband, why I picked him, etc.
I just hate this stuff. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to have died in a car crash so we wouldn't have to think about it. I don't want to leave my kids; are they even going to remember me?0 -
Laurie,
My heart aches for you......I know how my mom was when she had her endometrium/ovarian cancer mets. to the liver. It is not an easy thing to face. Even though we know from the day we are born we will oneday expire, some sooner than others.
If you feel you can't share your deepest feelings/fears with your husband perhaps you could see/talk to a therapist. I believe (these are just my thinkings) that perhaps when faced with the terminal aspect, we go through a "pre" grieving phase. At least let those emotions out some healthy way, be it recording/writing. Your family too is having to face this awful reality!!!!
If it is okay with you, I will pray that God will bring you peace, and will keep you comfortable in your journey!
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Vickie
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Alesta, keep writing and talking no matter how mundane you think it is. We all want to know that we mattered and things we did in our life mattered......to someone. Maybe we aren't famous or infamous, but here and there we had an impact. Like history, let others be the judge. You may be talking and writing for a great great grandchild who wants to know family history. How cool is that?
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Laurie,
I think that you family should know that you are pissed off that your time has come before you wanted it too. That shows love. It is easier said then done, but I have told my daughter I do not like the idea of my not getting to see her graduate from college and develop a family and stuff. It was the start of a good conversation for us.
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Laurie...just thinking about you. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling.
You know we are all here to take the flack when you are feeling down.
How are you for relatives who will listen ?
BIG hugs.
Isabella.
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NOVENA NOTIFICATION
We will be starting a novena Tuesday Aug.14th . I have asked Frank to pick the novena. Please, keep him in your prayers daily as he is being chemo challenged at present. The herceptin has stopped working. We have many members that are having condition changes on the Catholic thread and throughout BCO right now. Please , join us on the 14th.
A Novena is prayers said daily for 9 days with stating the intention of your prayer. An intention can be for a person , group, or a thought. You don't need to be Catholic. Prayer is Prayer. If something in the prayer doesn't fit your belief system, substitute or omit that portion. We are an Ecumenical group which means inclusive of all.
Everyone on my Favorite member list gets this notification, as I have added those that have been involed in the past, UNLESS they are there for a different reason. Frankly, my memory is getting worse. So, if you have receive this and scratching your head as to why, please forgive me.
Send your intentions to me by Pm or post on Catholic thread on sunday (preferrably) or monday and I will combine them into a one list. It takes awhile to do the composite list, thats why I ask that intentions be sent on Sunday, Pax Sheila(sassy)
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Novena notification update:I unintentionally made it sound as if the novena was just for Frank. Franks change of condition triggered us to want to do a novena. The novena is for all of us on BCO and others that are added by members. The link below goes to the working copy of the combined list of intentions,If those unfamilar with a novena would like to take a look and see how it's being put together. The next paragraph is the first intention.
Dear God---May all, of many Faiths, come together in prayer and support of each other. Jesus Christ,Mother Mary , and the Holy Court of Heaven, hear our prayers for all the sisters and brothers of BCO in this there time of need. Strengthen them and their families and let them not despair. Heal them if you will, or guide them to understanding and acceptance of your plan.
community.breastcancer.org/for...
So, if you want an intention added for you , or someonelse please PM me any time now. Probably should put this link in your favorites to refer to on Aug 14th. At this point we are leaning towards ST Peregrine Patron saint of Cancer as two members are willing to take the intentions to ST Peregrines shrine near Pheonix Az.
Sorry for muddling up the first communication. It all seemed logical at the time. It was only after multiple messages received that I realized the problem Thanks for your involvement. SAS
The prayer that will be added is said once a day and the intentions are said once a day
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Just wanted to say hello and hope everyone smiled today
. It surely helps me.0
