A place to talk death and dying issues
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there is a lovely woman potter who makes urns and paperboard cremain containers that will degrade in the ground or 2 hours if dropped into body of water. she sells on etsy and i will post her website if anyone is interested. i live near her and plan to visit her studio and have paperboard with what i love in nature incorporated into her art. i am hoping my kids will go with me, did the funeral director bit this week. can't believe direct cremation with out anything.viewing, embalming, service obit , no casket is still 3000. learned about how much cremains weigh and all are pulverized now no distingusihing between burial and scattering. i love my box just dropping to the ocean floor as my kids wade out. will use mary oliver poem hermit crab. thank you to all that share here
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Petjunkie, I was bummed about that too. I had to go renew my licence on my birthday a few weeks ago and she asked me did I still want to be a donor..had to say no.
I was checking out the donate your body to science thing also. Mostly because the cost to use a funeral home is just to much! I can't justify spending that much on myself while I'm alive, no way I will allow it to happen when I'm dead.
I found out pretty much the same as you described at the University hospital here. Sounds like that might be the standard way it goes.
As far as what to do with the remains when they are done with them, Penny, I love your idea!
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it's unusual Santiago that someone in their first post, would link to a sales site.
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It's not unusual if that's why she signed up!
So yes, I'm reporting it.
Leah
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There's a dollar to be made in every situation I guess. I'll bet this post is made on many other websites
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I'm lost, what post was a sales call? I can't find it.
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it maybe gone already. Happy Mother's Day to all. I just want time with my son and daughter where we all stay in the moment. Asking for coupons i can redeem for wishes like they brought home from school when little. if i could find them i would start redeeming. don't like this being "needy" business, never was, never wanted to be. i guess it is still a sign of strength to admit when we need help.
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Leah, I reported it-the sales thingy. It was deleted right after you posted your note. Scumbag. Gone.
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my son and daughter and i went to the potter's studio who makes beautiful ceramic urns as well as biodegradable in earth or 2 hours in water. she is an amazing artist and person. if anyone is interested i will post her web address and she does sell on etsy. mine is blue sky for when i travel to where sky meets ocean. my daughter picked a small ceramic universe or galaxy the glaze changing color with the light. my son picked her leaf pattern with intricate design. so happy they would travel this part of my journey with me.
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It's good to see this get active again. I needed the info on Direct Cremations and now I have one bookmarked to add to my planning.
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Bon, your list is masterful. I would like to make some additions.
1, check all bank accounts for TOD --Transfer on Death, or POD Payable on Death. The beneficiary only has to present death certificate and photo i.d. ----avoids probate. You can have a second person on the account with you, but in certain states assets are frozen when the primary account holder(first named person on the account dies). May not be preferable to have a second person on your accounts --if they get sued for something your assets may be attached to suit. Better to do TOD/POD. If you become unable to do banking your Power of Attorney--POA--will allow your designated representative to follow through on everything. Plus in Florida with TOD/POD on accounts--POA can work, but then TOD/POD takes over at death. Avoids someone wiping out your bank account----Nice to have POA and TOD/POD and Will Executor the same-------If they are absolutely trustworthy. Know of several instances where Executors and POA's were dishonest.
2, record your passwords for all asset sites--banks , mutual funds, pension funds, compushare funds--- for POA and keep either in safety deposit box or REALLY safe place.
3.Make sure POA knows where safety deposit key is. Drilling box costs money---my bank charges 75$. Make sure whomever you want to have access to safety deposit box is a signatory prior to death saves time and headaches.
4. check all insurance policies, mutual funds, compushare funds for beneficiaries--don't assume it's done---do it today. We missed one---DUH----headaches for a year and a half.
5. keep titles to car, boats, motorcycles, other toys that need state licensing and tags retrievable-----you will need to transfer title and for resale.----make sure how you want to transfer title---every time you transfer title it cost money. I transferred two vehicles to myself and son-----should have just transferred to son----at government office, I had to show a copy of the original WILL even though it hadn't been probated. My photo I.D. license and Marriage license.
6. copy of Will may be good for the bag. BUT an original Will may be required for certain things. Know where it is(safety deposit box). The lawyer may or may not keep an original. I didn't know they didn't. The day after I considered shredding Dh's, I got a call from lawyer needing the original. Whew!
7. if not probating b/c everything was set up so nice-------do not take spouse off your bank account---checks may come in for years and they will still cash them. If you probate, the bank will block cashing checks to spouses name b/c they know they are dead.
8 probating ---you must set up a probate account to deposit checks payable to spouse. This account must have a tax identification number--EIN number--can be set up by bank or your lawyer. My lawyer insisted she set it up--not due to billable hours--her experience was that banks didn't do it correctly in too many cases. Who knows. I trusted her.
9. the year following the death when you first file income tax on your own. You will likely get a notice from the IRS that says ______(my case DH) hasn't filed income tax. Contact lawyer or tax preparer--------in my case, we hadn't filled probate yet and it showed only 200+$ income. Tax preparer gave guidance. Each is different.
Trying to think what else went wrong....pondering ....can't think of anything right now.
10. keep estate expenditure file with dates and time of expenditures and release of funds. Will need for next years taxes.
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That's a lot of info!
I have a fire proof/water proof safe that I bought at Wall-Mart. It can be screwed into the floor. I used to have my brother on my safety deposit box, but discovered that they will not open it once they find out of a death on either party, until everything has been settled in court.
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Ma----At the point of death of anyone that you have any point of control of a safety deposit box ----empty it---before the bank knows----if you are a signatore. Can save all kinds of headaches and legal costs. i.e getting access to insurance policies, other things--- the bank can make life troublesome---by blocking it. Also, can be a saving grace. Depends whose in charge.
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I am so thankful for this because topic because I cannot talk with anyone. My husband is in complete denial and I just lost my father in March so I can burden my mother. I'm not close with my family. My girlfriend is my only outlet. now I have this line. I have extra clothes given to charity, jewlrey passed out, list of other items and who gets what. A notebook for my husband including 401K info, other account info (we keep separate finances), who to call and what to do at my death. My neice asked me how I wanted to be remembered and I've started an essay to the family and friends. I will also prepare a slide show of pictures and music I want included for my visitation. I read this book "Dying Well" ( I HIGHLY Recommend) which said that you die the way you live. I'm a control person. Thanks again for this link where I can talk about dying.
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Karkar, glad you found this thread. Bon wrote a piece several pages ago that is incredibly valuable. I'll try to bring the link here.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/770023?page=14
Duh I went from page one and Bon's post was on page 14-----one page before here.
I am not stage IV-----moments were raised as to moving to stage IV. BUT when this thread was started, it wasn't defined stage 4. I posted allot in the beginning, then why I stopped the memory isn't there. But it is a disservice to all women and men that come to BCO to assume that only stage 4's want to discuss preparation. We all need to be prepared. We know not the time or place........ Leaving affairs unprepared at 25 and healthy is as problematic as any one with stage 4 cancer. 9/11 was the biggest situation in recent history as why being financially prepared is so important. I now have reread all postings from the beginning, it even further supports being better prepared. I know none of you will disagree.
I will encourage non stage 4's to review these pages, as the benefit to all is important.
For all that have such troubles in your lives, sorry. All BCO sisters and brothers are being remembered in prayer. sheila
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texasrose - here is a link for the diamond from ashes, it is very cool but it is a little spendy. I considered this with my mom's ashes but then I worried about losing the piece of jewelry or someone stealing it - I would be so stressed that mom would be missing or someone else would have her!
http://www.lifegem.com/index.aspx?BType=GTxt&BAg=HCrem&gclid=CJy-oLD8t7ACFQUEnQodmW6f8w
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Holy screaming yellow zonkers!!!! You werent kidding about the prices. $2K+ and up.
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chickadee - that added to my anxiety about doing it - so I spend $2000 and then misplace my mom, lol! She was cremated and placed on top of my dad's casket in the same gravesite. She thought that was hysterically funny, because she finally got to be on top!
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LOL!!! I'm still intrigued with having my ashes scattered into the water pool in front of the Bellagio in Las Vegas. We were married in LV 30 years ago this August. Gamble that paid off.
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Sas- It's in my home now screwed to the floor in a fire and water proof safe. I also never intended this thread to be for just stage IV. However, considering the topic I put it in the stage IV forum.
Special-k, That's funny that your mother finally got to be on top. Thanks for the chuckle.
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LOL specialK!
Chick - fountain at a casino in Vegas - sitting here in a tiny village in middle England that sounds soooo fab and Rock n Roll! But hey you're tramping it with 2 boys right now so hoping that in going to be away in your future!0 -
Ma , I never thought you did. I'll refer when I can. The info here is so valuable. Thanks sas
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Well, I guess I'm going to have to go back and read the thread. My stuff is not looking to good either. I have to say, I am totally pissed. My kid's are in total denial. They are teenagers, graduation and all that. Geez I'm pissed. Sorry girls.
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FOLKS, talk about being prepared, one of our sisters Nancynow's Mom had a "Sudden Death Event" within the last 24-36 hrs. She had bystander CPR, doc on scene in front of UCLA medical Bldg, <2 min EMS response>>>defibrillated on scene>>>to hospital>> evaluated>>to OR--surgery for valve>>>ICU on respirator, already trying to talk around the tube. ---------Rare that it all happens this way. Rare , rare, rare. God bless her and her family.
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Bobkat, Sorry about the teens acting that way. It might be the way they are just dealing with it. My 18 year old goes into some of the weirdest phases. One day she thinks I will live long, the next she is asking how to put the fertilizer on the lawn since she will be the one doing it.
Sas, Thanks for the story. It's nice to hear that someone has done well for a change.
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ma111, please review what I wrote on this thread. it's important b/c this thread is one of the threads the mods have directed to as a first reading to get to other threads. So your input is important. Thanks sheila
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/748296?page=5#idx_128
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Sheikla,
I did not know that. Thanks for the info.
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Didnt know where to write this, didnt want to start a new topic. Just wanted to say i missed you ma111, missed you all the last couple of months. its my birthday today. 48.. and im crying.. thinking about my daughter, how on earth she's going to handle being alone. Thinking about how i really need the '20 year with mets' story to happen to me, i need to be here for her a few years longer at least. feeling very sad and sorry for myself...and there i was thinking it would be a day to celebrate another year on this earth...and i end up crying, sitting on the bed alone as she has gone to a friends house for a sleepover....life hey.......
I think this is a death and dying issue. the fear. I know i will be better tomorrow. thanks for listening
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Actually, what i need are serious ideas on how to help her set up for the future. Im encouraging her to marry early (not sure if that is sound advice!) But without me, she only has family friends to take care of her. I seem to be losing people more than gathering them close. Should i consider setting us up in a small townhouse and then expect her to continue on there alone, hopefully at least i can get her to 17 ish? or wouldnt she want to stay there after im gone? who the hell knows what to do. Im overwhelmed with the fear thoughts at the moment. Ma111, what have you done to help your daughter feel secure about the future?, if you dont mind sharing that. Does anyone have any ideas?, again, thanks for listening, n.
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(((Thats-life))) Î'm sorry you're feeling down on your birthday. It is frightening to think of the future.
How about writing a how-to book for her? Which is really an excuse to put your thoughts down on paper. That's all I can think of. Teenagers don't want to listen anyway, but maybe if they read it, and it has pictures. LOL. I think it's important they they practice doing things on their own. I have to teach my daughter how to do the laundry, how to keep her room neat, how to deal with men, how to eat healthy, etc. Friendships are very important for them at this stage so I would encourage those sleepovers!
Hope you still get a chance to celebrate your birthday.
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