A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Hi Laurie,
I haven't talked to you in a while .... still working on that baby quilt for my granddaughter. Took my grandson on a two day birthday trip this past week before I had my chemo. Trying to stay busy because it keeps me from thinking about crap. I have made scrapbooks for my kids over the past 10 years or so that will bring them memories of the life my DH and I made for them. At one time I sang some of their favorite "childhood" songs on a cassette though I don't know where that is anymore. My oldest son gave me a book last year for mother's day similar to the All About Me book mentioned above. He said he hoped I didn't feel bad about the gift ... I didn't, but I haven't taken the time to write in it. I'm just sorry you're having to think of this kind of stuff ... really that any of us have to. Losing Reesie has just brought all of it too close. It can happen so fast so it is something we need to think about and prepare, especially when you have kids as young as yours. Hopefully we will have lots of time to get ourselves together and implement our plan ..... I pray for you, Laurie, that you are given the time you need. You are such a wonderful voice of reason on the BCO site and have given such good advice and support to all of us. Remember there are lots of hugs coming across the pond to you. You are loved!!0 -
Thanks so much Glenna. Good to hear you are having time with your wonderful GKs. Got chemo yesterday Halaven - so well see how things go. Hopefully it will keep the abdo fluid at bay - having 15l drained was no fun!
Feeling a bit more up and hopeful after a crummy couple of weeks. Have mum, dad, sister, niece and maybe brother visiting over next week or so which is lovely.
Such a shock about Reesie. She only pmmd me 3 days ago. What a fabulous, generous lady she was.
Heard from Kimber? Meant to check if she had been on recently.
Lx0 -
Mods, could this thread become a sticky? Lately there have been new threads started with subjects that would fit well into this thread. Does anyone else think this might be a good one to leave accessible at the top?
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Chickadee, that is a very good idea. Ma111 was brave to start this thread, i remember discussing it with her. She needed a place to discuss the hard stuff, we all do. I just saw on my fb that Ma111 passed on Saturday. She was such a wonderful, warm, straight talking, caring woman. I think it would be very fitting if this became a permanent thread. Thanks Ma111, for being there for me.
eta: 21,000+ views of this thread, it is important.
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Oh no. How very sad.
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Wonderful idea, chickadee and thats-life. Ma made such an impression on me with this thread, and it continues to be strong. I hope it continues to help and comfort others... Ma would love that, I know!
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Oh, so sad about Ma, been wondering where she is. She was so sweet, always had something nice to say. Sad stuff this week. Keep thinking about Reesie, and of course, Louise.
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Ckickadee, so agree this thread should go on . It's info is priceless for anyone. I did put a link to it in my Just Diagnosed -get Prepared thread. But it needs to be more visual then that.
I'm going to add Ma's thread to the header of my thread. Ma thread link was added in a latter post when I referenced it to another members question. I just revised the header yesterday. Another, dear member, kindly said how she had watched my writing over time. She said it had much improved. JD-GP was my first thread, sheesh was she right. This would be at good reference to Ma111. Until the mods figuired out what to do.
Threads don't terminate b/c the thread leader passes. There is a port thread I've been bumping, for may be a year or more. It is a quality piece of work that tbird57 wrote in 08. Her last post was Jan 09.
MA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU DID TO CARE FOR OTHERS. WILL MISS YOU.
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I was looking for something for somelse and found Ma111
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/748296?page=5#idx_133
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Rather than make you try to find something, this is the post that I made on june 5th--would have made it earlier. The link is now in the header of the thread
Jun 5, 2012 04:45 PM sas-schatzi wrote:
Folks you are here seeking info. I'm posting a link to a thread that may make some "feel uncomfortable" , but it's important because(b/c). It's a discussion of "Talk of death and dying issues"
community.breastcancer.org/for...
Why is this important if you are just being diagnosed. Well none of us "know the hour , or time of our demise". Taking a look at our finances early on prevents chaos, whether or not we pass from cancer or falling down a set of steps. Plus, there are many wonderful suggestions regarding preparing things for your children--young or adult that can make you happy by knowing that you can be doing things now ie. scrapbooks, talks, videos on and on. That even if cancer wasn't in the scenario, you would want to do or may want to do for your kids. When reading as in all threads skip what you don't want to read.
It's listed under the Stage IV mets forum, but again the info is universal.
SAS0 -
Bon-- tears
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Does anyone have really bad days or am I just having pitty party for myself. Today was just a bad day.
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I don't have many bad days, but about two weeks ago I woke up and just started to cry. Tears all day long. I was not thinking about cancer or dying and was not depressed about anything. I felt like a complete nut. I could not even talk to people. My poor husband was really concerned because the only time I cry is when I am really, really mad. I cannot explain it, but the next day I was fine. I sure hope I don't have that kind of day much.
Maybe my dry eyes just needed washing out!0 -
That's sounds just like the day I am having. Hoping tomorrow is better.
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Kidsandlabs, Im sorry you are so sad. Do you have any time for yourself? Id think you would be fragile having to care for others under these circumstances.
(BTW, id love to see more of that photo in your avatar)
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folks ma111 died, but what she started here is important, very important. I wish, it wasn't labeled for stage 4, and any of you that have seen my postings have known that to be true.
I know that you are grieving her, but someone hopefully will pick up where she was leading. She had it so right. Be prepared. Lead your family to be prepared. Make special things. Do special things
Those of you that were here had a cohesiveness. Don't let that go. You love each other. Losing Ma was like losing your own mother. Grieve for awhile, but Ma started this thread to take care of people that understood the reality of their disease.
She would want you to carry on and take care of others as well as each other. I'm going to copy this and send it to as many who have posted on ma's page.
When you are ready come back. If you can't come back that is understood.
There is a thread on port placements it was written by tbird57. She hasn't been heard of in several years . I watch her site and bump it b/c every word she had to offer was valid then an now.
Your words are valid then and now and your friendships developed here around Ma are still valid, but Ma is gone. I don't think Ma would be happy with the ending of the thread. She was on a mission. Her mission was to allow people to cope with the garbage and the stupid and the inevitable.
Pass the torch!
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I can't write alot now as loosing so many women these past few months has it me hard, but i am better for having known them whether in person or virtually. I encourage all of us to check out thelivesincerelyproject.com. What Vanessa and her sisters have given each other and the rest of the world is the most amazing genuine living loving legacy I have ever encountered. Like Ma not many wll stop to hear the message but please get as many people as you can. Her's is more than a Stage four BC story but it's not the pretty pink. Yes I have pledged to live my life more sincerely and hope I can help my young adult children to as well as one of my final gifts. Healing hugs and smiles to all my brothers and sisters.
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sas-schatzi - thanks for bringing this thread back to my attention. There are so many threads going and of course we don't have time to visit all of them. I agree the information in this thread is invaluable and shouldn't be relegated to the back pages where no one ever sees it. While some may not be comfortable talking about their end of life plans, I do believe many of us think about it. I just had a scan yesterday which showed shrinkage so I'm feeling pretty good but that doesn't keep me from thinking of the reality of my disease. I have made some plans but when I try to talk to my DH about them he "half" listens. I plan to write everything out and be very explicit but must admit I haven't done that yet. There have been some great lists posted by a couple of ladies that I have made copies of and am working on getting all those items together in one folder. My DH is GREAT at work stuff but I have always handled everything on the HOMEFRONT. Any help I can give him I know he will appreciate. And if he goes before I do, I'll know what I need to do as well. No matter what our age, we should have a plan in place .... even if we're stage I. It's just the smart thing to do. Thank you, ma, for starting this thread.
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This thread has given me the impetus to talk with my DH about dying, even though I have nothing, except a diagnosis that, at times I think is a mistake, to make me think that my time is going to be up soon. We owe it to ourselves to keep this thread active, for those who come behind us, for those whose life circumstances will inevitably change.
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Ma was a very special lady. There were nights I remember going online because I couldn't sleep and Ma would be here, posting away, giving hope, encouragement, and solid practical advice to everyone... and not just Stage IV! But it was this thread that opened up a much needed discussion. I believe Ma's philosophy was to get the affairs of death in order so that we can live more freely, without worry for our loved ones. I know she did that for her daughter. Thank you, sas, for bumping this. I still like the idea of it being a permanent thread at the top of Stage IV... but that is up to the powers that be!
Remembering Ma, with love and gratitude...
Rose.0 -
I have to say that this thread was very helpful for me. When my Dr. told me my cancer had come back it was quite scary. When he said "stage IV, mets" I didn't know what to do, or where to go. I felt so isolated and terified at the same time. I did find some great words of advise from so many of you ladies. There will unfortunatly be more women like us. They will need words of encouragement and advise. I can only hope, they find those words from those of us who have had to walk this walk. I will surely keep reading and posting. Thank you all. ~LORI~
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BUMP
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Does anyone know if you need to include people's social security number in your will? I want to leave some things to people that don't know I'm leaving them something. I'd prefer not to ask them for the SSN.
thanks,
Kim
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My sister left some money to her nieces and nephews. Thry were not aware that she had done this. They were contacted by the company that held the policy, but they did not have their ss#'s. The recipients provided it with the paperwork when they claimed the money.
Caryn0 -
Our experiences are.....when our different parents died, the lawyers doing the probate stuff asked us for the names of each of the survivors and they (the lawyers) sent forms to each person to be filled out with SSNs. Even though some lived in a different country and were not named specifically in the USA will, they each received the same form. However, the amounts they each were to receive were figured from different funds that were in bank accounts in that country. Worked out well for our families. The original wills had been written using % amounts of estate to who it was to go to.
Vicks
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Vicks, Bon, and Caryn:
PHENOMENAL news for me. You've lifted a big weight off of me. Now, I can start to do proceed on my will. This is really super news!
Hugs,
Kim
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Love anyone that was involed with Ma---she was a great Lady and started a thread that is so important to all. this thread is critical to all BC folks. It should be a teaching thread to folks that don't have cancer.
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I have copied and pasted some of the great advice here and made lists for myself. It feels good to check things off that list .... Knowing I am helping my husband when he will need it most. Also think it will help me if something should happen to him. My BFF lost her husband 8 years ago to colon cancer and she couldn't believe how complicated it was to take care of all these details. He had been the bill payer, etc., as I am here and she was LOST! Much better to be prepared as much as possible!!
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I am an estate attorney in new jersey and I can tell you that so many people especially women of an earlier generation are really clueless when a spouse dies. Some have never even written a check in their lives. I am impressed with all of you who just want to make things easier for your loved ones. I just wish everyone would consider doing this.
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Yes, it's surprising in this day and age that there are still some women who leave so much financial stuff to their husbands.
I only recently started looking at this thread. I'm now more in a place mentally to make some final arrangements. Right now I'm stable, but I'm taking care of some things now and it's actually been kind of calming and comforting. DH and I bought a cemetery plot and know that we both want to be cremated with the cremains buried. My question is about the headstone. I went to a very reputable place where I live and a 30" x 18" upright stone with a 36" base would run us about $3,000. It seems kind of pricey to me. I wonder what others think. They offer a lesser grade of granite and the stone would be about $2,000, but of course they make that imported granite sound iffy. The upright is what we want.
I apologize if the subject's been brought up before on this thread. I plan to go back and read all that's been posted as I get time to do that.
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