A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Bon,
Thank you for your notes on this. I'm a single Mom and can't believe all that needs to be done when someone dies. My family would be lost without tips & resources to find things. I have typed up letters with contacts for all ins & benefit info as well as will. I did TOD's because my son is still a minor.
I liked the thankyou notes for doctors you wish to notify and thank. Valuable info.
Thanks,
Terri
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Bonnie, sounds too good to be true! I'll be waiting to hear some other responses!!
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Bonnie,
Mutual of Omaha has similar policies available. Their return in the first two year is all premiums PLUS 10%. After 2 years, they pay out full amount of the policy.
As for "listening" to the financial guru's advice - well I did that. I was the main supporter for us. My job was secure and good. My DH is commercial construction and it had tanked in Las Vegas. The guru's were telling us that having "cancer policies", and other policies, such as Aflac, high life insurance, etc. Were basically a waste of money at my age and health ( which was EXCELLENT). I dropped the cancer policy (50,000) FOUR MONTHS before my diagnosis! Oh do I ever kick myself daily for that! I dropped Aflac, and cut my life insurance down from 100,000 to 25,000. I have been black and blue from all the kicking to myself! I thought the extra $150 a month would help us through the construction down ward spiral. UGH!
I am now maxing out on those life insurance policies with guaranteed return! Yes, high premiums, but at least I can leave a little something to my grands and my DH.0 -
Wow. You mean a person with stage iv cancer can still get an insurance policy? After seeing how much funeral costs are, even with a limited viewing service and cremation as well as a headstone, I'd like to get an insurance policy to cover those costs. I'd like my husband to get one as well. He has insurance with at his employment but of course when he retires in 10 years it gets dropped.
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Well, I'm cheap err frugal. Dh and I had talked about our wishes. He was creamated through a company that only does cremations. We skipped the Limos. No viewing. Catholic Mass. Lucheon(300-350$) at the local restaurant with certain amount of food ordered(Lasanga, baked ziti, vegetarian lasagna, salad, a vegetable, and garlic bread b/c of unknown number of people coming. We had to supplement with more food--Pizzas went well and they were quick. Then back to the house, but forgot to think finger foods for house. Beer flowed at both places. My dress<100. Cremains box--ironically matches the other antiques in the bedroom, but was almost 300$- total cost at this company was between 12-1300$ cREMATION, THEIR ROLE AT CHURCH, AND CREMAINS BOX. We decided on no burial at this point b/c I don't know where I will end up. Son had three very large pictures made--19x23 100$. 1. Our wedding pic. 2. A pic of us as young marrieds with our first dog. 3. Sons graduation from Law school with the three of us. Graduation May 2010,and Dh passed in August 2010. Frames given to him by a dear friend who had used them for her parents. Otherwise, cost would have been higher. Family flowers--235$ (?). Bottom line is the whole funeral was under or around 2000$ or if was plus that it wasn't much. The pics can be reused for me. The 8x10 of us being bald at the same time was on the altar.
What went wrong. Finger food for home, regisration book at the church wasn't put out by the grief coordinator until 2/3's were seated. I wasn't up to sending thank you notes. Missed getting the time it would take for the funeral Mass , so, the time to the luncheon was off by 1/2 hour. The cooked items weren't ready and there was no way to hurry them up--they had to cook. Not enough waitresses needed at least 2 more. Being the old waitress I am and a friend as well--up we got and served drinks and water. Pissed the owner off, but I said not my problem, you should have had staff available. How did it look with the widow waiting table. That was along half hour, OTHERWISE, ALL WENT WELL.
Divine Hugs----The Marker is such a personal item. My SIL and her 2 brothers and one sister payed out of pocket to have a gorgeous shiney black granite marker 3500$ --typical on one side, then on the otherside was carved the family lake with cottages in a scene that depicted sunset. Breathtaking. Would I do that-- never. But I'm really cheap err frugal. You sound like the grave marker is very important to you, follow your heart. If cost isn't an issue, purchase what makes you happy to the point of crying. Sounds odd. That is a good delineator. If you are so happy with what you have chossen that it brings tears to your eyes---go with that choice. You will never look back and say I wish I would have made a different choice. You will look back and think how joyful you are about the choice and then tears will happen again, but they are tears of a wonderful memory and a wonderful choice. L&H&P's Divine SAS/sheila/sassy
BON:) L&H&P's Namaste sheila
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Tread lightly with these guaranteed life insurance companies. There are numerous sites with complaints. If you do look into it, perhaps having a local independent insurance agent review it with you and compare it to other products.
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sas, I know one thing, you have brought tears to my eyes with your advice on the grave marker. Thank you for your insight.
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Divine((((((((((hugs))))))))))sassy
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Bon
sassy0 -
Hi everyone. I am relatively new to stage IV. This is a great thred. When I found out the cancer was back, talking about what could happen was very important to me. But my DH, my adult children, and friends don't want to think about that. So when I try to talk about it they block it with those comments we all get tired of....your a strong woman, your a fighter, you are going to be the exception..... it's nice to have a place to go were you can talk about death.
I have to say, I am not afraid of dying! I have a lot of faith in my God and what he will do. ( I don't want to turn this in to a religious debate or preachy post, so we will please just leave it at that) what I am truely afraid of is LEAVING! Does anybody get that? I want my family to talk to me about what they are feeling and thinking and dealing with. I need to know that when I'm gone they will be ok. That they will find a way to deal with it and get on without me.
It doesn't mean I'm giving up! It doesn't mean I think this is it. It's just something I really need to talk about. It's part of my dealing prosses. I don't want people to be uncomfortable but I need to know. We all know death is a reality. Not talking about it doesn't make it go away.
I have to add, I love you girls! I always know I can come hear and find answers or talk about what I need to. This has been the greatest support for me in these last three years.
HUGS FROM ALICE0 -
Alice,
Facing and acknowledging reality is NOT giving up. It took me a while to convince my DH that this is something I needed badly so that I could put it in a file, leave it be, and get on with LIVING!
He was finally able to accompany me to the funeral home. (I told him that I had made an appointment, and that HE would be responsible for carrying out my final wishes, and if he wanted ANY say in the matter, that he'd better go with me, because I was writing a check that very day to cover the expenses. That got his attention.). When that appointment was wrapping up, he wrote the check! And on the way home he looked at me and said, "thank you, your love for me is really amazing". We then went to the cemetery and I told him that I would like to be near his parents. He almost cried. There was one lot in that entire section available and it was right next to his moms. All we have left to do is the marker.
Once we finished this, it was a GREAT weight lifted. My DH has been very thankful and has even shared with some others that it has given a peace and comfort to him.
So again, facing reality is not giving up. And taking care of these issues now has released us both to enjoy the days and moments that are so special.0 -
Bon, Garth Brooks song has always been a tear-jerker. Thanks for posting the lyrics.
Also, thanks for posting the information on the guaranteed life insurance to consider. It's almost hard to know which one to go with, altho perhaps the cheapest. Looks like I can get $15,000 from Colonial Penn for about $80 a month or the same from AARP for $64 a month. I'm going to search the others and see which one offers the lowest premiums.
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I just checked out the Mutual of Omaha link. They offer $25,000 worth of life insurance for about $75 a month. So far that seems to be the better deal. The Triple A website doesn't seem to offer a direct quote, I think they want a rep to call you. So that makes me not interested in them. But am definitely talking with my DH about the others.
I really appreciate the topic. It's helping me feel more calm about everything. I want my husband and son to have a decent memorial service for me that helps THEM with the grieving process. I don't want them to take short cuts because they're worried about the money end. Yet even simple funeral arraingements are pricey. Like I said, I see the prices for funeral expenses and no wonder funeral directors are such big wigs. They are raking in the money.
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Okay, I just went ahead and applied for the Mutual of Omaha insurance. I'm just gonna inform DH about it later today. Hope you don't mind my saying that it gives me that much more incentinve to live another 2 years. lol. But, hey, I hope to be around a lot longer. But makes me wish I'd have gotten the insurance 2 years ago, because January will make it 2 years since my dx.
Bon, I see many extremely creative headstones, like the one you describe, in area cemeteries. They are fitting tributes to the dearly departed. My preference leans more toward a traditional marker; I like the date of birth and death rather than just the year.
I've always found cemeteries to be peaceful, beautiful places; still do. In the process of selecting a cemetery plot, we learned that our chosen cemetery is very financially sound and will be for years. Good people on the board of trustees there. The other cemetery close to us has lots of unanswered questions as to how much money they have and how it is and has been spent. We realized the grass is often not cut there, some markers are haphazard in place. It's very subtle, we never noticed it until we really started looking.
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Divine --good look at the comparisons of cemetaries. If you tkink of anything else let us know
It seems to me Selenawolf did a wonderful piece on cemetaries a while back. Great info. I'll look and try and move it forward by C&P. sassy
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i brought this forward b/c Selenawolf has direct working experience working in the industry. She made many salient points that the average person never thinks of. Apparently some took her to task for what she wrote. when it was first written. This is an excellent instruction on the cemetary industry. Learn from it. I you are unhappy with anything, just pass on by, or post as you will. But Selena was hurt by comments before. She was only trying to make the function of cemetary practice be known in it's entirey. I for one learned allot selena thanks. Divine some of your questions are likely here ---good luck.
Mar 19, 2012 09:59 AM SelenaWolf wrote:
Although I'm not living with Stage 4, I do work in the death-care industry; specifically for a cemetery administration office that sells cemetery property, arranges for digging, etc... So, if I may, here are my "two cents" for your consideration:
If you do have definite ideas about how/if you want a cemetery burial, and if finances allow, visit a funeral home/cemetery and pre-plan. The staff can guide you step-by-step through the process and answer all your questions. It's what they do for a living, so they will be direct in their answers and will not consider any questions morbid or inappropriate.
Ask about pre-payment options. Some cemeteries have them and you may be able to, gradually, pay for your funeral/burial - in advance - by monthly installments. Before you commit to a pre-payment plan, be sure you understand the terms and conditions. Some cemeteries charge interest on the outstanding balance and, if you pass away before paying off the plan, some cemeteries may insist on full payment before your burial can take place.Cremation is becoming more popular for several reasons. It is much less expensive than a traditional burials and people are becoming more "green". As a result, some cemeteries have cremation only graves (smaller and, therefore, less expensive than a full grave) and a few are introducing scattering gardens.
If you opt for a traditional burial (i.e., casket), make sure you understand the by-laws (regulations) of the cemetery you wish to be laid-to-rest in. Some cemeteries (at least, here in Canada) are making crypts/vaults mandatory because it lessens cemetery upkeep. It may be an extra expense that you/your family are not expecting.
Weekend (Saturday/Sunday) burials are, often, more expensive because the cemetery has to call in workers and pay them overtime.
Many people have very definite ideas about tombstones and memorialization. I've found that some families - who purchase in advance - and weren't thinking about memorialization when they purchased, are shocked and dismayed when they find out that they've bought property in an area of the cemetery that only allows flat markers when they want an upright one. So ... double-check when you begin to consider buying property.
Some cemeteries offer "one-stop shopping". You can arrange your funeral, your burial, floral tributes, and monuments/markers all at the cemetery. Other cemeteries only offer burial, so you will need to shop around for a monument/marker on your own. Before purchasing anything, make sure you understand if your chosen cemetery has monument/marker size restrictions, so that you/your family are not unpleasantly surprised if the cemetery rejects your chosen monument.
This sounds crass, but shop around, especially with privately-owned cemeteries. Each one will have price lists, regulations, and maintenance practices that will be slightly different. Prices, often, go up every year and/or without notice. Ask questions. Read their by-laws. Take notes. Ask more questions. Keep a file.0 -
I am enjoying reading through the posts. I'm only up to page 10.
I was dx stage 4 on 10/2.
I've gotten my papers in order, started cleaning out drawers and closets and plan to work on a journal for my boys 13 & 17.
I have shopped cremation prices I think I'd like to have home hospice, because we live 35 minutes from the nearest hospital. I guess I'll have to ask the boys how they would feel about my passing at home.
My husband has taken over a lot since I was first dx in 2003. He works from home and is Mr. Mom.
I plan to live - until I am not enjoying it anymore.0 -
OBX, I'm reading through previous posts, too, finding this so interesting, tho only up to the 4th page. Will keep reading. I am sorry to learn of your stage iv dx.
sas, gosh, thank you so much for Selena's insight on cemeteries. I didn't find it offensive in the least and would actually be interested in anything else she'd have to add on the matter. Where I live, the cemetery just takes care of burial. It cost us $350 for the plot and DH and I can both have our cremains buried there. I think I was told the cost of cremains burial at this time is $300 for each of us, which is paid at burial time. So I'm sure that goes up over the years. DH says he wants to shop around for the memorial marker, there are a couple other reputable places, so that's what we'll do. I have a very good idea what we want, so it's just a matter of pricing, really.
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Bon, I laughed at your mentioning that your husband has been told to take the right measures to keep you going until Nov '14 if necessary! Yes, I get it, and it is funny. I will have to make sure my directive gives the right directions too and let DH know. Hey, hopefully we have many many years ahead of us but none of us know. Certainly, these are not matters I would have attended to with this much attention to detail had I not been faced with stage iv.
It is also interesting that you have gotten several policies. I'm going to look into that as well. Also, the pricing for insurance must differ from state to state and according to age as I live in Ohio and am 54. Still, I'm happy with that coverage.
That's a lovely idea for you and your DH to be buried at Arizona National Cemetary, free is the best bargain, and yet it honors your service to our country and seems a fitting final resting place for both of you. And less than $2k for funeral arraingments is another bargain.
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Re: the headstone. I spoke with a saleswoman at one place about their markers and got some insight into the business. Her salespitch was that not all granite is created equally. Their place offers four grades of granite at different prices. She said that after a number of years of being out in the elements, some granite will retain water in its core and not dry out. That's why, if you go to cemeteries, you'll see some headstones still damp looking while others are dry.
She mentioned that their company double etches the engraved wording on the granite so that it will always be readable. You can also have as much stuff written on it all for one price. But once the stone is in place, it costs an additional $175 to add, for example, spouse's date of death.
She also said that they offer imported granite from China because people are looking for a cheaper alternative, but they don't guarantee the quality. She said it could have a glitch in it that would lead to a crack over the years, ect. DH would never have something made in China placed on our grave and I wouldn't want that either. It did educate me some, I had no idea I was going to encounter the different qualities and prices. Damn, tho, the price of dying is pricey.
Of all things to misplace, I cannot find the sheet she gave me with the information and prices on it, or I'd post them. I'm pretty good at keeping paperwork organized and I can't imagine that I threw the sheet away.....
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I have posted earlier but still want to put ARTFROMASHES.com and LUCIAPOTTERY.COM. just look at lucy's tabs and find her urns biodegrable and regular ceramic keepsake jars. I went with my son and daughter to her studio and selected my biodegradable as my daughter posted of fb. "mom's future home" and they each selected small keepsake jars in the glazes I knew each of them would select. The sealed box resides at the funeral home for when it is needed. Direct cremation in MA costs around 2000.
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I live in an old house with an even older side yard cemetery. (1832) I kept a bit of my mom, dad and brother's ashes. I am going to make a concrete bench, and put the ashes in the mix and put it in my little cemetery. I found the bench mold on eBay. I think I'm going to have my ashes put into the base of my favorite antique, Chinese porcelain lamp. I can sit by the sofa, with DH
It's a beautiful blue and white jar with a dragon chasing the flaming pearl of wisdom, through the clouds. His name is Fred. 0 -
To all just checked and the last time Selenawolf posted was 0ct. 24th --yesterday. Her post that I moved forward was from earlier in this thread. As pages go on worthwhile info gets lost. Selena's post was very valuable. But at the time some people chose to give her a hard time about it. Idiots. I don't think she posted after that, I think if you have time to PM her and tell her what great info she gave she might come back. She has much to give to this thread. She was treated horribly by some. sassy
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Bonnie--cool --listening to blues----hmm. sweet. trying to hold onto the day until the light reminds me that I ought to be more responsible. Would have loved to live in New york at the height of Blues in Harlem..Also, would have love to hear W.C Handy live. Pm'ing you L&H&P's sheila
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Just a little while ago, I found out some info that I want to share with my BC sisters. In the BC SEARCH field I typed the word, cremation, and this Stage IV group was listed as addressing the topic. While i am not at Stage IV, in the spirit of sharing, please accept this info or move it elswhere. It is not my intent to start an independent thread or to intrude. Thank you so much each and everyone. LOL
An eco-freindly alternative process to cremation which produces similar cremains via less energy via a speeded up natural process in similar amount of time and $$ dollars with some surprising recycle advantages is decribed at the following link. I found it helpful to also click on the links at the end of the article as well as typing in the terminolgy for GOOGLE searches.
http://dying.about.com/od/Funeral_Memorial_Planning/a/What-Is-Alkaline-Hydrolysis.htm?nl=1http://dying.about.com/od/Funeral_Memorial_Planning/a/What-Is-Alkaline-Hydrolysis.htm?nl=1
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Bon: Autopsy??? Or ecofriendly alternative to cremation? Internet mix-up!
1-I just tried clicking on the link I provided on my recent post of a link to an eco friendly alternative to cremation but the LINK did NOT work at all. My copy/paste of the link still works on my computer to fully directly display an article on an ecofriendly alternative to cremation. SORRY for such a bungling start.
2-Scientific technical term which can be used for searching at the web site about.com or GOOGLE or other search sites = Alkaline Hydrolysis = can also be searched by typing = resomation = biocremation
A search for the following article is also productive = Comparison of Alkaline Hydrolysis versus Combustion
3-ANY alternative form to traditional burial raises sensitive questions so even though a mix-up somehow happened in my original post, the questions re autopsy which Bon provided are a fine reminder for us to try to be very circumspect when planning ahead about funeral arrangements.
4-Thank you, everyone, for your WELCOMING this information about RESOMATION, which does not NOT not NOT require an autopsy.
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As a pathologist's daughter, I can tell you, there would be no reason for an autopsy. Unless the family wanted one and agreed to pay for it. My dad always found it interesting when a family turned down an autopsy, when the doctor wanted to check something out, because they felt the loved one had been through enough. Then turned right around and had the body embalmed.
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Thank you for your kind notes, ladies. I truly appreciate that I did not offend you all horribly by addressing cemetery/burial issues in the straightforward manner that I did.
I've re-read my earlier post and the only other comment I would make is to investigate the care and maintenance provisions in the cemetery that you have selected. Here in Ontario, as a municipally-run cemetery\ies organization (i.e., "public"), we are governed by the "Cemeteries Act", which has strict provision set out for care and maintenance. For each property sold in one of our cemeteries, a percentage of the fee is re-directed to a care and maintenance trust fund: for land property, it is 40%, for columbarium property (niche), it is 15%. This money is "locked in", and the interest it generates over the years is used for the upkeep of the cemetery, including things like grass cutting, as well as repairing ground damage to lots/graves due to weather or vandalism.
In addition, a portion of the pouring/setting fee costs for foundations-, monuments- and markers is, also, re-directed to a care and maintenance fund. These monies are used to repair monuments damaged by weather, vandalism, or accidents with machinery (unfortunate, but it does happen).
So, ask how the cemetery manages the upkeep of the cemetery and what are the plans to look after the cemetery and it's monuments in future. Are monies set aside at the time of purchase for that or does the cemetery charge an annual fee to all property owners? Will the property owner/heirs have to fund any repairs to the lot/monument if it is damaged in any way?
Hope this helps.0 -
Wow, I have a lot of reading to do in here.
Wanted to share a good interview about touchy Hospice issues on Fresh Air:
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/09/162570013/when-prolonging-death-seems-worse-than-death
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Please, if anyone hasn't heard of the Frankenstorm that is going to hit the northeast corridor, watch your weather. This is going to be very serious. Alert any that you think may not know. If you are in a flood zone area prepare to evacuate asap. at the direction of your Emergency Management Commanders. You may want to get out of area even if you are not told to evacuate, if so do it soon. You don't want to be trapped on highways the way people were with Katrina b/c they waited too long. Storm at latest viewing is to affect as far west as Ohio, but the brunt will be more coastal and into New Jersey
If evacuating take enough canned food that doesn't need to be cooked and can be eaten from a can. Utensils and CAN OPENER. Water for at least three days. Boots , winter clothing, Underwear for 1-2 weeks and clothing for a week, blankets, important papers, important pictures. Can use laudry baskets to pack stuff into--easy to carry and stack in vehicle, easy to retrieve stuff b/c it's visible through the sides. Take toilet paper. Flashlights and batteries. Tap lights. Garbage bags, Cash and credit cards, insurance info for vehichle and house. Cell phones and chargers. Phone and address book. Notify someone you are evacuating and where you intend to go. Count the kids and animals at every stop.
There likely is allot of activity with cleaning out grocery/hardware stores already for those that are going to "ride" it out. But if you are evacuating pack what you can and get moving, the farther from the storm path the easier it will be to buy stuff.
A piece of property isn't worth your life. This storm is being compared to the Perfect Storm of 1991.
Anyone interested on thoughts re Storm for those riding it out. I've put done some suggestions in a response to granny on Bonfires. Rather than figuring out where I posted what I'm just going to keep adding to that if more thoughts come.--Sorry, used to do disaster stuff---being OCD as usual
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