Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
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Well said, raro.
My jaw continues to drop at the incredibly rude behavior of so many misunderstanding people.
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My jaw, too. It amazes me that some people actually might have "Stage IV envy."
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Well, I had to add this to the post...
Physiomed Physician Services in Ontario, Canada, handles my GPs extra fee program, for things such as sick notes, etc. I don't know why I bothered paying for these, since I see my onc every three months, but did; however, they sat on my post-dated cheques for four months and sent a follow up letter, which made me believe my cheques were never received. Then at the end of August they put all three through at once. I haven't returned to work yet (next Monday!! Finally!) so I'm on a tight budget with on disability benefits. I had printed a note regarding my situation and my cancer on the letter returned with payment in the hope that someone would not do something like, oh, deposit all three cheques at once. When I called Physiomed, "Sandra" provided one of the most insincere apologies I have heard and then advised that the letter and cheques would have gone to different departments and the girls in accounting would not have know I was suffering from...wait for it...
"...stage IV whatever".
Oh, yes she did. Stage IV WHATEVER!!! You can guess that I lost it and then she said perhaps she's chosen a poor choice of words. Perhaps? In all the time I've been sick, no one has referred to my cancer as whatever. Gee, I don't know why I was so afraid of dying after all, I just have 'whatever' not cancer ; P
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...and I would say she is a brainless whatever, but I can think of much better words for her than that. That's some crazy stuff there. And these individuals walk among us - just like real people. Wow!
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BB, It isn't fair that "Sandra" at Physiomed knows your full name, address, and bank account info, and you have only her first name. I would very much like to get my hands on her personal info so I could send her a special package.
I know you have better ways to spend your time, but I hope you write a letter to the head of that company and describe exactly what that inhuman idiot said to you. She should not be talking to the public, much less patients with "whatever."
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Wish I didn't have to add to this post but after spending a week in the hospital, I have a few beauts to add. How are healthcare workers so clueless?
My favorite. I'm in the emergency room (for hours) with breathing problems related to pleural effusion waiting to be admitted. I'm alone since DH is home with my 9 year old. I'm pretty tough and told him to stay home and just come up in the morning when she goes to school and we had family picking her up after. My nurse, Richard, I guess in an effort to 'connect' with me felt he had to tell me about how his 54 year old mother left his family too soon after dying of colorectal cancer. Oh yeah, that makes this 49 year old mother of a 9 year old feel really great. Don't they give them training in nursing school that says 'do not tell sick people about people who have died'. It doesn't cheer them up.
Most of the nurses/techs were good with few not so good. I had one nurse who kept talking to me about God even though I told her I was not a believer and she offered to do a massage on my shoulders and she basically just was trying to do this guided imagery thing. Horrible. Thankfully I only had her for one shift. She also let me know she was skilled in pain management and works for hospice. thanks. I want to think about hospice right this very second.
But her best remark was when checking my breathing she asks me if I'm going to do reconstruction. Why are you asking me that? What does it have to do with my care for pleural effusions. Why would I want to discuss it with you instead of a plastic surgeon? It was weird.
Just to show I'm not overly sensitive, when i was getting dressed to leave, the nurse assisting me (who just came on shift and was very nice) asked me if I had a bra. I said 'don't need those anymore'. She realized what she did and apologized but I was laughing. that I thought was funny. I think she was relieved.
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Annie - so sorry you had to deal with some of the nurses you had to deal with - Oh yes, the guided imagery crap - sorry if I offend anyone by saying that, but now that I am stage IV, I am very realistic. I do not have time to "imagine myself at the lake" - I live in the Adirondacks, I can go to the da**mn lake across the street from my house if I need to go there. Ok - deep breathing while waiting for anesthesia before surgery or a procedure - I can do that - but imagining myself somewhere other than the operating room is a big fantasy I do not have time for. I was just dx with mets to lungs so I have not had to deal with the pleural effusions, shortness of breath (it's starting, though). I did, however, have a collapsed lung due to an egotistical RO who went in four more times, trying unsuccessfully to get tissue, after my lung collapsed on the first try - idiot.
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Here's one I will never forget - My PNP, who has always been there for me, was very nervous when I returned to my MO office due to mets. When she was giving me chemo ed., she ended our session by telling me that I should "do well" as BC responds well to chemo - WTH? I was sitting there, in the office, with lung mets a year after my orig dx. because I had an "incomplete response" to AC and Taxol. I did not say a word - she stared at my chart and her face turned red. I would have said something to anyone else, but instead, we hugged....
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Annie, I just saw your post. Haven't seen you around lately so I don't know if you'll see this, but my first thought was "thank god, a nurse who understands pain management." LOL. I'll take one who will dole out the drugs even if they are religious and insensitive. Usually, I'm the super annoying patient who bothers them because it's time for my pain meds.
I think they need sensitivity training for ALL medical professionals. Many are just wonderful, wonderful people. But, not all are. I guess its like teachers. Most want to help kids learn and do great things but one or two....they can really spoil it.
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My Mom has Alzheimer's and people have said to me "well, we're all going to die but at least you know what your Mom is going to die from".
It's sad to read what people have said to you.
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what kind of tea are you talking about. have you drank it. I have heard of essiac tea that cured pancreatic cancer from someone I met her uncle was cured!
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When I told a relative that I might have breast cancer (so far all testing has been inconclusive) and that they may do chemo the relative that I was speaking to told me "oh, it is just breast cancer! You will be cured as no one dies from bc, so don't bother us with this anymore". Hmmm, okay! Sorry I took up your time.....
I'm just sayin "Oh my god!" Some people!
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Seriously what kind of twisted personality trait causes someone to say "don't bother us with this anymore"????
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Every so often I come back and read the latest of these absolutely horrendous comments. unbelievable how stupid and insensitive people can be.
Coolbreeze....without a doubt your former cancer friend should be given an award for being the creature from the black lagoon!! Imagine the nerve of her demanding to come over to go through stuff she had already given to you? And when you let her know you didnt feel well enough, for her to get ugly? Just unbelievable really. People like that just suck the life out of you. Always want your support and help, but have norhing to give back.
33skidoo...another unbelievably cruel comment. Im so glad you told her to leave herself. this stuff just makes me crazy!0 -
I just found out two weeks ago that I am stage 4. Only my husband and a couple friends know and are sworn not to tell anyone.
Anyway I was with some friends when someone said that if she had BC at her age (60-ish) that she would just have them (breasts) cut right off. She doesn't need them. I looked at her and said that if it happened to her that she would have no idea what to do. Its a whole different story when you are told that you have BC.
After I lost my hair the first time and it grew back another "friend" said that she missed my pirate look. You know, the scarf, large hoop earrings and the dark lipstick. I looked at her in the eye and said, "sorry to disappoint you that my hair grew back." I turned and walked away.
I don't even want to know what kind of comments I am going to get now once they find out that I am stage 4. Some of your comments I have to remember to use. Some made me laugh and some made me cry.
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denise, wow, could that relative have been more insensitive? It's also frustrating to hear someone falsely believes 'no one dies of bc anymore', when not much has changed on that front in the last 25 years. In the United States 40,000 women die each.year. from breast cancer. That's about what it was 25 years ago. It makes me think the Komen people are succeeding in brainwashing the general public to believe there have been great strides in the prevention, cure and treatment of this disease.
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I was diagnosed 8 months ago. Although I have tolerated chemo very well, other than a 6 day stay in the hospital after my very first infusion, I would never wish what I have been through on anyone. Today I made that exact statement to a family member. Their response "you've been so lucky". Hmmm???
A close friend had the nerve to complain to me (bald) about her hair. I text her with the suggestion that she just shave it all off.
Time to hop over to the recent thread about the women who have lived with mets for years....always puts a smile on my face and hope in my heart
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I just got a get well soon card from my dear, sweet, well-meaning niece. She wrote that she hopes I feel better soon. I know she means well, but come on.
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I needed this board . . . Big smiles. People don't know what to say sometimes.
After diagnosis . . . 'Well, at least they caught it early.' (ummmm . . . 'they' didn't.)
At the store, seeing someone I used to work with . . . 'I know someone with the exact same diagnosis as you, but they died. But, I am sure it is different somehow and you will make it.' (ummmm . . . you said it was the same. OK. Thanks. :P)
Oh, and my favorite, 'you are lucky you didn't have surgery'. (Yeah, because it already spread to my bones.)
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Yeah, that "I knew someone but they died" thing always gets me. What the hell are people thinking when they say that?
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My mom on finding out that I had cancer again...
"You're not going to lose your hair again are you?"
I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about.
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It's sad to read all of these. But I'll add my own.
- "Are you afraid of dying a painful death?" (Thought in head: "Yes. Are you afraid of having me rip your testicles off?")
- "How did you get breast cancer?" Out loud answer: "I don't know. My boobs never smoked."
- Said to me by another metastatic bc person who has mets to the bones. When I told her that I had mets to the liver,she shook her head mournfully and said, "Oh, I am so, so sorry." Nice to hear that I'm going to die quickly from another mets person. Luckily my doctor was there and we both told her that liver mets people live too.
- Oh, and the last gem. Said to me by a woman describing the at-that-moment dying process of a close friend of hers who has metastatic cancer: "Better her than me."
Out loud response: "That is me." And then I walked away. Thought in head: "I hope to hell that the dying woman has better support than that selfish, nasty person."
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gritgirl - love the comeback about your boobs never smoking! Wish I thought that quickly on my feet.
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You do have grit, girl! You're quick on your feet! I always think of the zingers about a minute later, and the moment has passed. Got a real laugh out of your first one! ;-)
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My ear nose and throat doctor asked why i was on antidepressants and i said because i just found out my mother has stage 4 breast cancer and he said oh yes my wife died from that i know exactly what you're going through. He said it very casually
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4myangels- Yep, I know what you mean - another one that gets me is "stay positive" - I know the people who say it mean well, but darn it all - don't tell me what to do. Someday I will probably reply with, "Easy for you to advise me to stay positive as you do not have a five-year-old granddaughter, who absolutely adores you, begging you: "Don't die, Gramma, I will cry".....
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Sorry for the "downer" post so early in the a.m. (east coast) - I really am trying to stay "positive". In fact, people often complimented me on my "great attitude" - (some of which I readily admit was not great attitude, but show for others). Since my recent mets dx., I find it more difficult to put on a show. I know I am fortunate to be alive - I just have to keep focusing on that.
Sherry
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Reality, you don't have to apologize. With this disease, we ride the emotional roller coaster sometimes on a daily basis. We can be sailing along coping with things just fine and suddenly get hit with a wave of anxiety or sadness without warning. Certainly those of us on this thread understand what you're going through.
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Thanks so much for your understanding, Mrs. M
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