How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Some people are great that I know. My two sisters are great.
Everytime I bring it up 2 my mom - which isn't
that often...I may say...oh, I am in a little
pain from surgery - she will change the subject
Almost acting like it did not happen
And, when I told her I was having a
px. mx (had cancer in the other side 2010)
IE) for precancerous she said "Well, those things
happen. I have concluded there may be some
thing wrong with her according 2 her responses
Is that Normal ?
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Victoria, I guess its normal, FOR HER! She seems to have a broken connection somewhere, so try to accept the defect and go on from there.
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It's funny you are saying this. I have a friend who told me my son's reaction is not "normal". I've been thinking about that ever since, especially last night. What is a "normal" reaction? I don't know. It sure doesn't feel "normal" to me. But this is how he reacted, this is who he is. It's normal for him...I guess. But it sucks.
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Yes, my mother is known for denial in the past... with a lot of different things .. and people...
I guess its her way of coping...however, I am glad I am not that way... I guess that is all that matters...
Thanks for your responses!
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TimB, it does suck, but it is what it is. If you don't try to change the other person, you will be less stressed. It will hurt, but at least you stop hitting your head against the wall. Much love.
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these things are really sad if our near and dear ones dont bother to know if we are fine or not.
But i think instead of feeling bad alone for a million times for THEIR actions its much better to tell them and be little harsh and rude if needed, about the way they are hurting you, you never denied your part of favorism and help than why couldn't she be a human by giving a simple smile to you.
I think you better communicate your feelings too as they are doing something which is very disturbing and taking an unnecccesary attention of yours.
Communicate thats better option!!!
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Another odd thing just happened. I went to the cancer hospital to meet with my dietician. As I was entering my son't father in law was leaving. He had had a melanoma removed at least 6 years ago and I've never heard another mention of it. So I emailed my son, that I'd seen him coming out of the hospital. My son ignored my email.
There is really something wrong with him. I think I have to acknowledge and accept that. It's hard because he's quite successful and seems to have a happy family. But isn't it strange to ignore an email like that? We're seeing them this weekend, maybe we'll address it then.
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He may just be busy. Or, he was told possibly to keep his father-in-laws diagnosis quiet.
Some people don't want everyone to know their personal business. That is why there is HIPPA. So, it could be a possibilitythat he was following somebody elses wishes, which is actually a nice thing... if that is the case.
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Found these posts and am finding them so interesting and comforting knowing I'm not the only one who has decided to focus on myself, my husband and my children and not let the negative and stressful people in. My sister and her family were horrible to me when I was diagnosed and although I cut them out of my life the pain went on for a long time. It's been since November of 2011 that I've talked to her and to be honest over the last 6 or so months it hasn't bothered me a bit, I've come to realize my life is much better without her and I don't give her a second thought.
I do have a problem now though. My cousins have been pulled into the middle of the family mess - they would not let me talk about her and I did not and they invited us both to big occasions - 40th b-day parties, etc and as much as I didn't want to go I did for them and my sister didn't show up. My other sister ended up telling me the sister I don't speak to talked to my cousins and they said they were all concerned about me and my mother and our mental health (she lives with my family and I). I confronted the cousins - one because they shouldn't be talking about me to HER and two becasue I wasn't allowed to discuss her with them but they could discuss me with her. After I confronted them i went to one of their aunts wakes and my sister was there - they all huddled around her and "protected" her - God knows from what I was prepared to be an adult and deal with seeing her. I know confusing!!!
Long story short - my cousins have now avoided my texts and emails asking to get our kids together. I've reached out a few times but have now decided I have to take care of me and my emotional health so I'm done. They just invited myself and my family to a BBQ which all the cousins will be attending and I just don't want to go. I'm sure my sister will be there and honestly I don't really ever want to see her again and to be honest they can't find the time to reply to emails and texts from as far back as Christmas to get our kids together why would I want to see them now.
I know my mother and other sister are going to give me a hard time but I'm not going and I'm not going to allow my children to go - I don't want them around my sister, they saw what she put me through and saw me basicially have a nervous breakdown because of her and her horrible family so I don't want them near her without me.
so how do I stand up for myself when I'm attacked by my other sister and mother - I just have no energy left for them..
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kayce-
How was your sister so terrible to you?
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He called my husband today, finally. He didn't understand my email and thought I'd lost my mind. I wrote that I"d seen his fil at the cancer hospital.
Somehow he converted that to I'd seen his FILE at the cancer hospital ie. he has cancer. Instead of just emailing me "huh?" he just went bananas alone. My husband explained that fil means father-in - law.
I really think something is amiss. If he can be this far off in his interpretations, imagine how many other things he's mis interpreted.
And why not just ask?
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Victoria it's a long story but to sum it up here and her family said 10 days after my diagnosis before we knew anything...."your using your cancer to get attention...you disgust me...can't you talk about anything but cancer....you're not the only person to have cancer" my sister asks found this board and wrote me a three page letter about what I was writing.....
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That made me gasp! people go a little crazy I think. How did she find this board?
I hate to say it but one day all of these people will understand. But it will be too late for us.
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Kayce - who the hell does your sister think she is? That took my breath away, what a horrible, intrusive, jealous and bitter thing to do!! Sometimes we are better off without family - I wish things were different but I know that my son and his wife will never change adn they would need to for things to be different, looking at them as they are I feel so much better to not have any contact with them, its sad to say but my son and only child is a huge disappointment to me. He married another only child who was spoilt and indulged.....and neither of them think of others in a meaningful way only in a "love you" facebook type way......
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Lily. That is a perfect answer, health free conversation. Viktoria. I love your response.
Most people don't get it. Some people are worse than others. The friend who was once close wouldn't check with me while I was going through treatment started wanting to hang out. I couldn't do it. Another friend said it was like the guy who wanted to date now that I'm not fat. Perfect analogy.0 -
I think this is a work in progress, even if we believe we've "closed the door". The stories here are so similar to mine. My two cousins with whom I thought I had some kind of relationship weren't in touch at all during my treatment, and since it's been through email "Oh, I'm in town but too busy to get together" apologist garbage.
I told my mother I don't want to see them at the holiday when they visit for a day. Why is that so horrible? They are gone from my life, and seeing them is awkward after so much time, even without the cancer issue. I don't want to be reminded of a hard time in my life, I've moved on. But somehow, I'm supposed to "let it go". Why? To sacrifice myself for the betterment of all? Clearly, I'm the one with broken DNA, so I don't think so.
This is becoming more and more of an issue with my parents as the years go on. For me, it's a closed door, I have no anger, I don't think about them at all, I wish them well, but I don't need them in my life. For me, it's akin to going to the chemo ward to "hang out". Not an option.
Always difficult to know, and really a lot of my friends were amazing, but more than a few were less than really there. Occasionally, it comes up. I have been working intensely with an old friend who clearly couldn't cope with illness (seen it in her relations with others, too). I am always managing my distance. It's not even about what I want anymore, you can't go back and create intimacy where it's been broken, I will never count on her to "be there" at my critical moments. And so, it's a professional relationship only to me, and I remind myself that it lets me off the hook with them, too.
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For me it's not about going back to the chemo ward. That will always be a part of my life.
It's about cutting down on as my much pain and stress as I can. My self-centered sister called last night. I let her go into voice mail. I am at my limit in terms of stress. I need to protect myself and be around good, kind, loving people.0 -
Gritgirl - you are doing good......your sister is an energy sucking leech and you need your energy for you so please feel good about that!!
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I could have written your email gritgirl. It expresses my feelings precisely. The thing is...I can't be happy without them.
Especially my precious grandchildren. The last couple of nights I was up ruminating about them. I just couldn't put them out of my mind. It would be like trying to put the cancer out of my mind. It's there, it's a part of me, I can't forget it. And it hurts. And I want to cure it. But don't know how.
Well, it's daytime and i will fill my day with as much happiness as i can. I still have a full life, in spite of them. It reminds me of a book I once read by Judith viorst. "Necessary Losses". It was a depressing book and made me accept losses that I shouldn't have. I think that's the problem, knowing when to fight and when to give up. I believe in fighting, generally. Going after the best end. But what is the best end?
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Gritgirl, I hope you can forgive me if that sounded like I was diminishing the reality of ongoing chemo treatments for many patients. I meant that I really don't need people in my life who remind me of the worst years of my life. People who weren't around for treatment are the ones who tend to ask, "How's your health?" The only answer to that is, "Fine, for now." If you were with me for the journey, you'd get that I'm doing great, I have a life other than cancer. And that I know there is no protection for me anymore, and that question does nothing but rub salt in the reality.
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I so agree with Gritgirl! Surround yourselves with good, positive people who will lift you up and support you, not toxic people who suck your mental and physical energy!
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I feel the same way Rothko....I have no anger I have nothing towards them. I as you say don't want to see them or be around them because my goal is to move forward not back. I was invited to a cousin ban in June and she will be there and I'm not going. I went to all of their parties when I was in treatment because I felt they shouldn't suffer because of her and my sister didn't go to one. Now they a are varied with her and I am the bad guy....I posted what she did on Facebook after a survivor walk for relay....it set me free and they all had something to say about it..what she did they said nothing.
I've cleaned my space around me and only want good supportive people around, they don't have to yes me to death but they have to respect me. I just want the rest to go away and leave me alone, don't invite me to this because I'll l say no and all you have done is brought back the pain. How do we get others to understand that?0 -
Timbuktu. Can you arrange to spend time with your grandchildren without your children? Sort of a grandma play date?
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I've been thinking about that. The logistics are tricky but maybe we can swing it.
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My son called my husband on his cell phone yesterday to tell him that his wife is pregnant with a little boy.
My husband very happily told me about this and said he told our son that he should call me and my son said he wouldn't because "she makes me feel bad". I was up all night. Any suggestions?
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Oh, my god. what an ass. have you tried to sit down and talk to the boy? i wonder if a counselor can help you two talk to each other. i did this with a family member i had a great deal of trouble with. didn't solve everything, but it helped.
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I went to therapy for several months. It kind ofhelped me accept the reality. I told him I have to discuss things openly, I can't pretend. The therapist said "you don't have a partner". My son told me I can see my grandchildren with the caveat that nothing can be discussed with him. I looked up the word caveat. It means "warning".
Yes, an ass, for sure. That's the problem, I can't stand him anymore.
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Well, there you go. He doesn't want to talk about it. At least he's not blocking you from the grandchildren. Frankly, I would prefer not to talk to some of my family members. My brother is not easy to deal with. Before my diagnosis, I was going down to where they live to spend time with my nephews. Now I'm not sure I'll be able to do that because I have very little leave left. But my point was to see my nephews, not my brother. I focused on the boys and that was much more pleasant.
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Your son is immature and does not sound very compassionate, he sounds intensely selfish and I can write this as mine is exactly the same, so what are you not supposed to discuss? What are you going to do, tell your grandkids their Dad is a total ass???!!!!!!
Hope I haven´t upset you,
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That's exactly what I did when I saw them in April. Basically ignored the big kids and played with the little ones.
If there was a way I could completely avoid the big ones I would. Unfortunately the kids are young and they come with their parents.
And not talking ...I feel as though I'm in the twilight zone. I don't know what they are thinking and they don't know what I'm thinking. Very strange when before I got sick I saw them almost every day. My son would call me on the way home from work. My dil once told him that she loved me because I was so "open, generous and real".
Now I know why she said that. She's closed, stingy and fake.
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