How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
Comments
-
It's sad for them to miss out on you. At least the kids still have you
0 -
Thanks. I guess they think I'm worthless.
My daughter, who is home from college, took things into her own hands and emailed him. She set up dinner with them for tomorrow. Ugh. I would do anything for her. I'll have to take a few xanax first, and just play with the kids. Not looking forward to this....
BTW, I just saw a utube of a panel discussion from Sloan with Larry Norton and two others. They predict that in 10 years breast cancer will be a thing of the past! So let's hang in there!
0 -
Timbuktu. I'm doing my best. Hope to make it 10 years.
Xanax sounds like a good idea. That and just enjoying the kids, like you said.
Who cares what they think. I know there a people in my family who have opinions of me, but who cares. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I know I'm good and that's all that counts.0 -
Great attitude! I will try to borrow it!
0 -
Your son and dil are the waste of space NOT you, sadly affected by the ME generation ethics, or lack of! my son did not ever tell his only surviving grandparent he was a great grandfather....
0 -
Lily, my son was that way with my father too and it's hard to put the level of hearache into words. Only we who have experienced such cruelty from someone we love can understand.
The only good that I can see coming from this stuff...trying to not be like them...ever!
I have learned, too, through all of this pain.
0 -
As far as friends who disappear, I want to share something with you. One of my close friends, had a friend diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was inoperatable. She was distraught over it. Because we live in a small community, I signed up to bring the family meals (this was about 1.5 years ago). My friend hadn't been to see her because she didn't want to see her like that. I didn't know how to get to the house to deliver the meals. So I made my friend come with me. I also encouraged her to sign up to sit with her friend one day at the house.
Sometimes it's hard for others to see us ill. It's not that they don't love us, but they don't know what to do, and don't always realize that just their company brings up a shiny moment in the day.
That friend was with me for 8 hours in the ER the day I decided I wasn't waiting 3 weeks to see a breast surgeon. She's worn pink every day I had chemo. We try to go out for dinner at least once a week, even if it's for pizza down the street.
Sometimes, it's just that they are scared for you. It doesn't change those who are rude or self-centered, but sometimes people don't realize their worth, and how they could bring a happy moment to us if they just picked up the phone or showed up to visit.
0 -
Maybe but i know my son just does not care, he has not even asked about results of scans for progression!!
0 -
Go, that brought tears to my eyes. How wonderful it is when things work out the way they should.
Odd that you should write this just now because I was just thinking about it. My son will be giving the baby my father's middle name. As he treated him so terribly this surprised and kind of disgusted me. The name does nothing for my father now, a visit would have meant so much then. But yes, my son is weak. And his avoidance of me could be his weakness. He was always so close to me. and when i told him I had cancer he broke down. He insisted on taking me to sloan. He wanted to ditch his entire life and was angry at me for not allowing him to do that. The very next day he told me to go to a local hospital because a chimp can do a mastectomy! He must have spoken to someone.
It's hard, when you are in such pain, physical and emotional, to empathize with another's pain. Pain that leads to cruelty. I've tried so hard to understand but without communication it's a waste. I'm just guessing. But my broken heart just can't heal. So I will pretend tonight, as best i can. But the truth never goes away. That's the problem.
It's always there, whether acknowledged or not. But thank you for your post, I think it's right on.
0 -
mine doesn't even know that I had scans.
0 -
I'm sorry. It sounds like he is hurting and can't deal with it. Immaturity? It doesn't take the pain away from you, though. (((HUGS)))
0 -
Thanks Go. A strage coincidence. I've been watching a Eugene O'Neil play "Long Days Journey Into Night". It's autobiographical.
After my last post I pressed play and this is what I saw. The son had been to the dr. and had tests and found out that he has TB and needs to go to a sanitarium. His mother rambles on about this and that and then the son interrupts and says "YOU HAVE NOT ASKED ME ABOUT THE RESULT OF MY TESTS. DON'T YOU EVEN CARE???" Serendipity!
He tells her he has TB. She slaps him. Says he's dramatizing. He's fine.
The son says, I have the same thing that killed your father, how can you say this to me?
She falls apart. Tells him not to talk of her father's death. She loves him too much, he's her baby.
You may be right Go. It's hard to accept. Feels like wishful thinking to me. But you might be right.
0 -
very strange coincidence. ((HUGS))
0 -
These people that try to deny other people are ill, don't visit, call or even disappear are not the best people in the world. If they eventually come around no big deal. But if the above behavior continues throughout your illness - this is unacceptable behavior.
Rationalizing their behavior doesn't make it okay. I wouldn't call them out on it either. I would just accept them and realize that you get to know who people really are in tough times- I wouldn't ignore them when they do come around- your stooping to their level. I would just be aloof to them and would consider them as not reliable genuine people. Life is short-
thanks
0 -
A friend was scheduled to visit me my first day home from mastectomy. She had not made time to come and visit before the surgery. She lives about 1.5 hours away. So, when I got home, she waited until after 8 pm to send a text that she was driving to see me. I was already in bed. I suggested the next day. She re-scheduled. She didn't show the next day, and promised to visit the 3rd day. She had an excuse the 3rd day. My feelings are a bit hurt, but I guess what she is thinking of me is none of my business. The fact that she has other priorities, however, 3 days in a row,that is a wake-up for me. She is emotionally unavailable. I can forgive her, accept her, but I must also realize she is unable to be on my inner circle list of most dependable friends. The truth is - I didn't need her visit. The truth is - I wanted her visit and love and concern, and it didn't happen. I'm not depressed, nor angry, but sad that the friendship expectation was not met. Just needed to be honest about what I'm experiencing today.
0 -
Jakig. I'm so sorry and know exactly how you feel
0 -
I think you hit the nail on the head. Now you know.
Friends wanted to visit me after surgery and it was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want to hurt their feelings but I told them not to come. Everyone is different about these things, But to me, integrity means doing what you say you will do. It's something i tried to teach my kids but apparently the message didn't get through. So the reality has to be faced and accepted. It's the struggle with the reality that hurts so bad, so I'm trying to give up the struggle. But it's not so easy. my definition of family is that you are there for each other when the chips are down,
I have very very little expectation of friends. They have their own families and pressures and problems. If they do come through for me I'm happily surprised. I try never to be disappointed when they don't. But a son...that's a different story. But I guess not. He has his family now and I guess we're the equivalent of friends who come together when it's convenient. Except when HE needs something! Bitter? Nah, not me! ;-)
0 -
My immediate family have been the last people I could count on. I had to rely on friends and was blessed to have some good friends. I would not have made it without them. I do my best to focus on the good people in my life.
0 -
I have been surprised at who supported me, and who did not. My DH surprised Mr the most. For years he was not there, not just emotionally, but physically. During my tx, he was actually coming home on almost all weekends. Something he hadn't done in years. my sisters checked in once in a while. My brothers? Out of 5 brothers the only one who checked in with me was my oldest brother, who's first wife died of bc. oh well. I just try to be around those people who care. I am sorry Timbuktu that your son is so immature. I hope you can make it through and just enjoy your time with the grandkids. Much love
0 -
I have been reading these posts with great interest and decided to add another one. Because of just feeling like crud (and a few other issues), I had not been to church since Easter. Not a call, email, letter from anyone including the few people I had confided in. I had made the assumption that at some point someone would miss me and check up on me. Didn't happen.
In early July I received a very nice note from the pastor. He was available for a call, coffee, etc. if I wanted to talk. Before I could answer the note, he emailed that "I was missed" and wanted to know if there was a particular reason I hadn't been in worship and again would be glad to chat about it. Well, I outlined a response about why I had been MIA. I don't know if my other confidants had told him previously about my cancer but if not, this was the first he would know about it. I have not heard from him or anyone else since. Guess the particular reason I hadn't been in church didn't warrant any further follow up.
I have read so many of the posts here and feel for everyone who has had to deal with cold and uncaring family or friends. I divorced many of them when I went around the horn the first time and never looked back. Those that were there for me are still here. None of us are exempt ladies but so glad to know we have the company of each other.
0 -
That knocked the wind right out of me. Why did he ask? He was just curious? How much it would have meant if he'd written a caring note in response.
In the end, we have one choice. We have to learn from this and love moer and harder. We know now. But how hard it is!
I once read Mia Farrow's memoir. In it she describes her childhood bout with polio. How everyone shunned her. How she was separated from her family and put in the hospital for so long. How when she came home even the lawn had been changed. She said once you know, you know. You can't forget. You have to DO something. And that was her motivation for adopting so may children, many with physical problems. We can either become bitter and turn our backs on people (which honestly, I have done) or we can become better and reach out. It's not so hard to reach out to those who are in need. It's hard to reach out to those who have hurt us. I don't even know if that's appropriate at this point. Too much pain! But Mia is right, once you know you know and you have to act on it.
0 -
This is absolutely so painful going through abandonment during treatment. I write a breast cancer blog and hear from so many people about this. It is soooo common and so hurtful. Some people say it is harder than their cancer diagnosis.
It happened to me from friends of over 35 years - the entire family was like my family. Never even had one greeting card from any of them. They are having a surprise birthday party and invited me. No way will I attend. I cannot in good conscience as they showed me what I meant to them.
After a year of cancer treatment plus a heart attack from AC Chemo, I've put behind me all the relationships that are unhealthy for me. It has not been without much pain and tears. But in many respects, I am grateful because now I am only in healthy relationships. And if we are really honest, we knew these relationships weren't the best pre-cancer....
My heart goes out to all of you.
0 -
Hey, all: Cancercare.org just did a review of the book How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick by Letty Cottin Pogrebin.
I know for me I didn't get what it was like to have cancer until I had cancer myself. Pogrebin talks about the same experience, and interviewed other cancer patients to come up with this guide for friends of patients. Frankly, I plan on sending this to a few folks.
I don't have anything to lose since a few family members are being idiots about my illness. I figure why the heck not.
0 -
Just found another one. This is the one I think I'll send. Even more practical.
Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend (Conquering the Confusions of Chronic Illness) by Lisa J. Copen\
0 -
Grit, those look like good books. Maybe we all need to read them!
I had to share a follow up on my story from yesterday - fair is fair. After ??? weeks, I got an email today from the pastor. Can he put me on the prayer list, can they bring meals, drive me where ever, etc. Maybe I'll ask for a winning lotto ticket, lol. Denise, another story for your blog, at least with a semi-happy ending.
Sue
0 -
LOL! He must have had a long "to-do" list!
0 -
Yeah, preachers and rabbis are just people and prone to the same mistakes. I say take the help and as much as you can of it. :-)
0 -
I'll second grit, let someone help you , like clean and vacuum. That is still hard for me. LOL AND, AT LEAST HE'S TRYING! LOL
and, Grit, letti Pogebrin sounds so familar, I should know what else she wrote, I should know that. Did, ill have to Google.0 -
I've been around this topic a while ago and now Im back. Its just so HARD. My mind is sometimes racing, what is best? should I be forgiving? shouldn't I? what is best for me? what did their behavior mean? carelessness or afraid to get involved?
Ive not come to a final conclusion although I want to share my latest "findings". It suddenly striked me how emotional I am and have always been. Even small things seem to affect me. Whats even more surprising is the fact that many people seem to be much less emotional. Put one of each together and the mixture is not very pleasing for any of them. The emotional one feels ignored and hurt - the less emotional who already have a harder time dealing with emotions gets even more afraid to be around the emotional one who is now hurt and perhaps angry...Could it be an option to try and keep my emotions aside when dealing with some of these people? It seems the relationship loses some of its meaning then. I dont even know if im capable of it in the long run. I care too much. I would love to have these people in my life. But at some point their "anxiety" and forgetfulness just gets to a point where it's hard to ignore. My husband says "take the best from each relationship and forget the rest".
It feels good to forgive. But Im not sure I can forget. And if Im hurt everytime I see those people whats the point?.. Still in search for a conclusion.
0 -
Some people are just hang out buddies. Good to have hang our buddies.
But it's the friends I share my emotions with.0
