How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Well, I have some news to report because i really, really "get" what you are saying new directions, A friend of mine told me "stop thinking of how things "should" be. That is the struggle! My son and dil were incredibly cruel and rejecting and refused to discuss any of it, They are both PSYCHIATRISTS! It feels like one more BIG rejection when you are told you cannot speak. isn't this America? Who do they think they are?
Well, last Thursday, after my usual agonizing (it's be 2 years) I finally thought "of f-it. I just want to see my grandchildren and I don't care how their parents are." So I emailed my son asking if I could come over on Saturday.
He said "sure". So I went to a bakery and bought some yummy food. I went to B & N and bought some books for the kids. I took a deep breath and rang the bell. I didn't want to be there but I just could not stand one more day of empty agonizing. It was tense at first. I could barely look at my son and my grandchildren barely remember me.
My son was as nice as he could possibly be. He had bought a feast of a lunch (his wife was working). He chatted and I played with the children. I was happy! What difference does any of it make in the end? All we have today and thinking of how cruel and miserable people are ruins TODAY! And my friend was right, it's not as it should be and it never will be so stop comparing life to perfection.
Later my dil came home and was as sweet as could be. They are happy people. They just don't care about anyone else. It reminds me of something another friend said. She wanted to commit suicide in her 20's when she found out that her husband was cheating on her. She almost stepped in front of a bus. But before she stepped off of the curb she thought "I will die and everyone else will go on with their lives, happily, but I'll be gone". That friend is now 73 and happily married with 2 sons and one adored grandaughter. Yes, her first husband was awful, but she went on to live a happy life.
Anyway, we all went out for dinner together. And I played with the kids until I almost collapsed, but happily. And the reason I was happy was because I was able to love my grandaughters. That is what makes me happy. And with the little girls, the love comes right back! They are not like grown-ups! lol
It took me two years to get to this point and I'm still not 100% there. Maybe 80%. Love heals.
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This is a hard one new. I had a long term friend that I came to realize had only taken from me in 25 years and never really given back. When I broached the subject with her she bailed on me. Tried to make it look like she had been there all along so her idea of being there for me was to de-friend me on FB and just disappear. Not once had I ever so much gotten a birthday greeting or Christmas card from her!
When I started to weed through this quagmire we call cancer, I realized that I needed and wanted only positive and supportive people in my life. If it meant I had to divorce a lot of people, including long term friends and family, then I had to do it. You don't have to be an emotional person to be hurt by someone you thought loved you and bails on you. Many of these people don't know how to deal with what we're trying to deal with and the only thing they know how to do is stick their head in the sand. Then there are those like my friend who are simply selfish and it's all about them. It's their issue not ours.
You will see that your list of close friends and family will change dramatically as you travel this road. When you get to the other side, you'll be able to look back and see that God put many kind and caring people in your path who hadn't been there before. Make the decision now to do some relationship pruning as it always forces healthy new growth. Forgive when you are able and don't worry about forgetting. It's a part of our life's journey and a part of our story.
Sue
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timbuktu that is really a success story! i can really feel how hard it must have been but it turned out great. "they are happy people they just don't care about anyone else" - sounds like we may be related to some of the same people
well I think you did the right thing, good for you. Makes me happy to read this.Im in a different dilemma. My father in law - will leave out all the negative details - and his wife. How can I just turn my back on those people when my husband loves his father, always had a nice relationship etc. Complicates things.I tried to just look at this as a business thing - no feelings. We have had a few nice meetings, but still i know it doesnt take a lot of controversy to bring back emotions into it all.
On good days I do this without much bother on bad days I ask myself why I have to go through all of this trouble when they would not even visit when I was ill.
I dont think we actually should take any crap like this but when it serves to keep other highly appreciated relationships healthy it may be ok. What you write about perfection vs life is true. What is hard is keeping emotions and thoughts from these negative subjects. It's not worth our life and time.
milehigh - i agree. It is a good occasion to look at something we might have overlooked for a long time. Yes, I agree, doesnt necessarily mean someone is emotional, i have just found I may be very emotional and because of that find myself being sensitive to many things.0 -
Has anyone ever had a family member ask for a copy of your BRCA results?
Mine came back negative on all areas. . But, my sister says her doctors want to see it.
Is she just paranoid. I work in the medical field and nobody would ask it they just believe
when someone tells them this. I don't mind giving it to her- but, it seems like a paranoid request.
Whats your thoughts?
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if it's her doctor who needs the information to guide her about breast cancer risk it is understandable.
if it's just your sister then I don't get it.
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milehighgirl - You raise an amazing point about the person in your life that had only taken from you in 25 years! There are many of us who had these kinds of friends, but it took cancer to make us realize, "Hey, they only take - they give nothing back." In fact, being constant givers fits the profile of a breast cancer patient.
I find myself approaching the 2 year from diagnosis point - hair looks good, I look good, I act good....so the people who abandoned me are trying desperately to get back in because DUH - they are ready to start taking from me again.
It feels physical pain not to let them, but I know for my health, I cannot. It does not feel comfortable to me though. I have to come back here to get support, because I get weak. BUT I HAVE TO CHANGE to stay healthy...and I am. But it is so difficult!!
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new direction,
what do you mean if its just your sister you don't get it. I don't mind giving it - but, its a weird request. Almost like they can't believe it.
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Vik, perhaps your sister is just one of those people who has to see it to believe it. Just that kind of person. Probably a bit paranoid, but not thinking about how youight take it. If you want to, just give her a copy.
Denise, Timbuktu,mile, new direction, you are right, that is hard to do. But it is pretty necessary to your health. Grit, hello! LOL. Much love to all.0 -
On my blog today, I wrote about people who abandon cancer patients. It is entitled -
Lessons of Cancer - Live the Miracle, Be the Miracle. It won't let me post the whole article
here, but for the next couple of weeks, it will be on the front page of the blog.
www.denise4health.info
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Viktoria I just meant I also didn't fully understand why your sister wants to see it. I don't think she has any bad intent or doesn't trust you. She just wants to be sure and be sure her doctor gets the right information.
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New direction thanks for that comment
I don't think the intention is totally bad...maybe just an awkward request- and slightly paranoid.
thanks
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Denise, I read your blog the other day. Incredible story! So sad we live in such a world. Praise God for people like you and your friend.
Sue
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Just needed to vent - so I attended a get to together for my husband's family. I am two weeks out from exchange and fat grafting surgery. BILs asked how I was doing, a few even told me I looked really good. My SILs avoided me like the plague. Most didn't even talk to me, let alone ask how I was doing. Ugh - I am disgusted with all of them! Finally just finished my meal at the large gathering and went home ( hubbie and I drove separately, as I just still get too tired too fast). He is still there; I left 3 hours ago. I could care less if I ever go to another family event again. I have always been there for them. Not any more. Done with one sided relationships. Thanks for listening. Vent over.
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Vent away Bayou Babe. That's what we're here for. I think the further along we go, the more we see how one sided many of our relationships have been over the years. It's funny. This morning I was thinking about all the people who have come and gone from my life and how many of them just took from me and then moved on. Then there are those who have been there for years and are still here. Those are the ones I focus on now. The rest? Have a nice life, I say. Sue
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Eloquently said. Thanks Sue!
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Hello everyone. First I would to say that I am a French Canadian and english is not my first language. Please forgive any mispellings. I was diagnosed in January 2012 with 4 different cancers in my 2 breasts. No family history. Had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, exchange was last December. Have been married for 23 years last week. My husband has 2 daughters, who lived with us for more than 10 years. The youngest one gave birth to a beautiful girll last year, 3 weeks after my diagnosis. Last May , she wrote us an email telling that her daughter, my sunshine, was having nightmare when she was seeing me, and she stopped all contacts with us. My heart is broken. And next week, I have a biopsy on my scar, just to be sure the red and swollen is nothing serious. How can we find something postive after that? I have beenr reading all your posts for 18 months. Thank you.
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Hugs Magic! That is horrible. Sounds like hour daughter is the nightmare. Of course the child might be scared, but just exactly what did your daughter say? That you were going to die, horribly? If not, then the child probably just knows gram is sick, but she's doing all she can to get well. Gram may lose her hair because the medicine to help her is very strong. She might have nightmares about that, but a quiet reassurance that gram is strong and fighting hard shoud help. so I'm thinking your daughter is having the trouble accepting that fact. So hugs to you, you can't help that your body had its own ideas. Much love.
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Thanks Moonflwr912. I think the baby might have felt my illness . They are very perceptive. I feel very alone. I miss her very much. Hugs to you too!
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All I can say is - I hear ya sistah! Family acting like nothing had happened, nothing has changed. Been there, done that. I don't get it.
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Oh Magic, how awful not to be able to see your grandbaby. I can't imagine your stepdaughter would keep her from your husband too! What are these kids thinking?
I know she may be a little young but I would go on the offensive. Once or twice a month, send her a little note or card and write to her about how much you miss seeing her. Add a little "bonus" as we call it in our family - some little inexpensive toy or memento. Keep your name in front of her and I'm guessing she will eventually start asking to come see grandma. If she really is having bad dreams, it's a phase and she'll grow out of it. Worth a try.
Sue
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Gritgirl.....you go girl!!!! I liked your suggestion!!
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I found that many people including my own son abandoned me during treatment, you really do find out who your true friends are during illness. But I also realized that some people do not mean to be this way, they just don't know what to say, or can not handle seeing someone they love suffer, which was the case with my son. It does hurt when we need people the most they let us down. I have found so many new friends since beginning my journey, we truly have a sisterhood united by breast cancer.
God will never let us down!0 -
Hi folks. I read through the posts, and felt such empathy for the many of you who have been left on your own. I missed seeing one where the love of one's life decided to ignore everything.
We'd been married close to 20 years, and had 2 boys, 9 and 11, when I was first diagnosed in 1998. I went through chemo at an accelrated pace (clinical trial) with Adria/Taxol/Cytoxan, then 36 weeks of radiation. I didn't have much choice but to work all the way through--I was the provider of health insurance for all of us. I tailored my chemo and radiation around my 5-day work schedule. My husband made it to the first chemo, but then, despite being told by both the head of the school and his co-teacher to take as much time as he needed, that was the end of that.
I used to sit in the car after my 11-hour days at the hospital (few if any breaks, even for lunch, wearing lead and pushing 1500-lb. machines around the floor). I would cry for awhile, then fix my face as best I could so the boys wouldn't have to see. I knew I would still be responsible for meals, cleaning, homework, getting kids to bed, and it was hard to face every day. Yes of course I asked for help from him, but he would invariably give me a scowl, say something like "I help all the time", then fall asleep on the couch. Never once was there a "We'll get through this together", or even a real hug.
I somehow survived on my own, my support group not being terribly interested in spending time on a problem they had no idea how to address.
In 2007, I was rediagnosed with mets to the bone, and I mean enough to light up a Christmas tree. I made him sit down, and told him it had to be different this time. I was scared to death of dying this time, of course. When I finished my litany of how abandoned I'd felt the last time, the first thing out of his mouth was, "What about me?" He had no explanation for his previous behavior, and indeed, I think he possibly felt it needed no explanation. He did not change his behavior for round two.
I kept quiet, protecting my boys from feeling they had to choose between us, protecting my brother from the knowledge that his best and only friend wasn't able to cope, protecting our dearest friends, a 5-some, to hang onto my one place where I could laugh and smile a little.
Then mets to the liver. No changes desite desparate pleas. Why didn't I leave? For all the reasons above, plus I had no visible means of support...a pittance of disability insurance, and no ability to hold a job, though I would dearly love to be independent.
(Now after close to a year of nearly intolerable pain, bloating, vomiting, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and many more symptoms, my immune system is damned near tuckered out. It was me that figured out it was the side effects of Afinitor, not my doc, who had dismissed that idea back in December 2012 when I asked him about it. He could have saved me 9 months of agony and deteriorization. I took myself off the medication.)
My boys know the bare bones of it now. They have wisdom beyond their 24 and 26 years. I've told one friend, who has stuck to me like glue. I will soon tell our (30-yr-old) 5-some, because they've known something was up, and tho they seemed to be blaming the wrong person, they deserve to know the truth. I've let my dh know that this is coming--no more protection--I just haven't told him when.
Then let the chips fall where they may. I think 15 years of this stress is quite enough. I just wish I had the smallest clue as to who replaced the love of my life when I wasn't looking--it had always been magical before then.
Apologies for the extremely long post.
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Soliray. F*ck. That's an ugly story. I wish I had the magic to take it all away, but, of course, I don't. All I can do is acknowledge your need to vent, and my need to totally lose it on him! and if I lived closer, I would! That just sucks. I am sorry your husband is just a lump of coal, and not a hidden diamond. Here's a hug, just for you. ((((((Soliray)))))) Much love.
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Solirav, you have quite a story. And like many of us, a sad one when it comes to people who are supposed to be there for us and then bail on us in our time of need. Your husband was never there for you, period. Thanks to their mothers, these types have been catered to their whole lives. They get a cold and you'd think they were dying. They were only taught to be takers with narry a thought of giving back to someone, especially one they vowed "in sickness and health". Notice "sickness" is spoken first in those vows. They only want perfect partners in a perfect world. They have no clue how to be compassionate or caring because their narcisstic natures prevent them from caring about anyone but themselves.
Writing out your story is a good first step for you. It's good therapy and helps you to see not only what you've been through but helps to clarify who is really there for you and who isn't. So many of us (myself included) have rid ourselves of the negative, take only slugs who have leeched from us most of our lives. I did a lot of divorcing people following my dx and treatment. I also did a lot of writing.
You have a tremendous story and 15 years worth to boot. I think if more of us wrote out our stories such as yours and published it for all the world to see, maybe people will gain some insight as to what we go through. Keeping silent is a type of co-dependency. Why protect someone who is right up there with abusers and those who abandon their families? If hubby had done that with one of your kids, he'd be in jail so why protect him? We are in love with an idea of someone who may not have been as perfect as we thought from the very beginning. It just took cancer or some other tragedy to expose the truth. The internet makes it easy to publish these days. There is a source of income for you so get writing girl.
You have tremendous promise and options both emotionally and financially. You just need people around you who will encourage you and make you feel like you're not alone in this awful journey. SSDI is and has been an option for you from the beginning. Get your application in asap. Two years from your dx, you will qualify for medicare so likely that will kick in immediately as mine did. Whatever your disability income works out to be, will determine if you also qualify for things like medicaid, food stamps and the like. There is also supplemental income (something or other). You can find it on the social security website. I received a bit of it before my ssdi came through.
If you do choose to leave your hubby, get a good lawyer. A judge would have a field day with him. He'll have to cough up things like paying your attorneys fees, maintenance, health insurance, etc. Let him pay off the bills and make the mortgage payment. It's time he grew up and took care of you for a change because it doesn't sound like he's done so since you got married. And, your kids probably know more than you might think. They're adults now and can handle it - good or bad. You have a good friend who is there for you. Focus on what is good and positive in that type of relationship and others will follow. You just have to quit dragging that bag of bricks along for the ride. Drop it off the bridge and then sit back and admire the sunrise. It will be a new beginning for you and you'll never look back.
Thank you for venting here Solirav. You have found a safe place with safe people who will listen to you and support you in whatever you choose. (And sorry for my novel, ha ha - I get on my soapbox when it comes to pinheads we have to deal with along the way).
Keeping you in prayer.
Sue
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That was a wonderful reply and so I have very little to add to it, but one thing: Some people/men are just assholes and that is that. Don't waste time wondering what happened to the person you married. That was a show, for him & for you. This other guy you have been dealing with for the past 15 yrs. - he's the real deal, your 'real' husband. Stay with him until you have income and then move on as soon as you can afford to do so. Give yourself the gift of life without the pain of rejection and emotional abuse in your life.
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I find that there are two types of people...givers and takers. Clearly, your husband is a taker. Everything is great and wonderful until they are asked to sacrifice even a tiny bit to benefit someone else. They cant do it. Its not in them. They are selfish, narcisistic (sp), and self-centered. More often than not, I find that they are very charming, good looking, and generally very happy and easy to be around. People love them and think they are great guys. But, if people really knew what went on behind closed doors they would be shocked.
Think about the people who abandoned you while going through cancer treatment. I think you will find that for the most part, they are takers. I did this analysis and *bingo* all takers.
They are what they are, you cannot change them. So, ive decided to "divorce" myself from a few...they showed me their true colors. No thanks.
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I had a boyfriend who I had been with for 4 yrs. prior to diagnosis. He fit your description of a taker beautifully. He was always cheerful and people loved him (if they didn't get too close). The day of my MX he didn't come to the hospital, call or anything. We limped along for two mos. after that, then I broke it off with him. It was all about him, & the sex, of course.
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mybee its great you found out so early- so many people don't find that out until they are very very old and grey. Consider it a blessing in disguise. I feel that this breast reconst. thing will weed out the men I don't need in my life and I will be able to realize it early-
- there is a silver lining in finding out peoples true colors early..!0 -
@Solirav your story had me in tears. I sorry it's been so rough on you. I wish I could give you a much needed hug, a big squeeze to shut out the pain. Just remember you are a special person and I believe that your strenght will get you through. Hang in there and please remember we are here for you.
Kat
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