How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Thanks lemon. It's not easy to free yourself from the pain a child causes, but over time, it lessens.
I won't let them walk all over me anymore but that's small comfort for the loss of what I thought was love.
At the moment I am so tired, physically and emotionally. It's hard to describe this kind of fatigue.
I bought myself some cheetos and a People magazine and climbed into bed, which did help.
But it's kind of empty. Empty calories, empty reading.
Tomorrow will be better.
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Timbuktu, I am so sorry I know you have tried. Rest tonight, tomorrow is a new day and a better one. You will be in my prayers. ((HUGS)) Take care of you tonight.
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bump
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And here it is, 3 weeks later, and we're going to my son for Passover! I'm not saying everything is hunky dorey, but they did invite and we did accept and I will be there for my grandkids. Never, ever, ever give up hope!!!
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Glad for you ....enjoy!
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Thanks Lily. It's not easy but I'm trying.
I'll tell you the truth, what really got to me was Les Miserables. I saw too much of Javer in me. I don't know where this will end but I don't want to be Javer.
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It's good to know I'm not alone in whatever this journey brings and that I'm not just having a pity party for myself.
I have 4 sisters and a brother. My brother has been there for me my whole life, no matter what. He lives far away but calls often to check in. My oldest sister(sister 1) is so fucked up with her OCD and anorexia and the lies she tells herself and others-it's no wonder I haven't heard from her. My sibs did an intervention with her in Feb. I think, (I didn't go because of Rads) but she has stopped going to counseling already..
Sister 2 just went through a divorce, had an abscess in her intestine, ended up with a temporary colostomy, a couple of blockages post surgery, etc. It was awful. We were all there for her except Sister 1. Sis 2 balked at going to help Sis2. REALLY??
Sis 3 is my twin. yes. my twin. we're fraternal twins. She texted me once at the beginning saying she was going to send me a necklace she wanted me to wear or hold during Rads. Never got it. She hasn't called, texted, nothing.
Sis 4 and I are pretty close. She came to help me celebrate my 50th in Nov. Calls to check in every now and then. It seems like after treatment is done everyone thinks it's all over, on with life. Same with my friends. I have an aquaintance from work/church who has been sending me cards throughout this ordeal, so sweet!
I have a friend who went through a divorce, has had several knee replacements, emergency surgery for sepsis, shoulder replacement surgery. She stayed with us all of those times and recouperated here. Nothing.
My DH has been pretty good in spite of his MS.
My daughters are 18 and 16 and in their own little worlds. Really?
I'm going to see a cancer psychologist tomorrow morning. I feel emotionally numb. (Probably PTSD).
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SWgeeWi, I myself believe that anyone that has not gone through cancer treatment believe when treatment is done, your cured!! They poo-poo your fears, and pat you on the head when your followups come around. I have friends going through BC treatment right now and have listened to their experiences which are just like mine. I see a phychologist that is also a BC survivor, she has been a God send. she helps me with those bad emotions that come with being a survivor. Just remember it's their problem, not yours. Yes, it hurts, but we must surround ourselves with those that truly wan to be there. As for your girls, they live in their own world because they are scared of living without you in their world. It took me a while to understand this with my own boys. I hope some of this post helps you to know, it's the norm. Hugs
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Strange but true! I've spent too much time and energy trying to understand what they are thinking. I finally gave up. They are who they are.
I see my son occasionally now. On each visit something has come up, not about me, but about someone else and I stand up for what is right. They always get this look on their faces. I don't have to tell them directly, they have to live with their nasty selves and that, in the end, is it's own punishment.
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I had several people that I just could not seem to forgive who totally ran from me after the cancer diagnosis. I had so many that ran toward me, but forgiving those who left is such a challenge. After holding onto my anger for the last 8 months since active treatment ended, I decided to turn it around. I wrote a birthday card to one of them and FB the other. What that did was free me up. Immediately one of them called me. I made it clear that I was friendly, but distant, and they could tell I wasn't ready to chum it up with them. The other told me she missed me so badly. I didn't respond to that part, but kind of talked about the weather. She got the point.
Through this, I really realized our friendships have changed forever. They chose to treat me as they did, and they put in place the parameters of our relationship. It is my duty to keep it that way. Forgive them, I truly do now. Something switched when I made a friendly but distant move. But I am now freed up from thinking it will ever be the same. It will not, and I am now happy about it. That took a year and a half of hard work.
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I know exactly what you are talking about. I feel the same way. I guess you have to go through it to understand. You do have to free yourself, you can't live in that place of hatred. My son is cooperating, which I suppose is something. Last time I saw him he knocked a friend of his who was so good to me. I told him he was wonderful to me. What a look came over his face! I think he's in some kind of denial about the whole thing. He thinks there are no consequences. Things can never be the same! Let him figure out why.
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So much wisdom on this topic, and I'm grateful. I learned a lot from both sides. I was able, like Denise, to completely release my "godmother" who abandoned me in the middle of treatment (and then two years later wanted back in). Left it cordial, and on a high note, and also made it clear that, as Day would put it, the broken vase is forever a reminder.
I had a family member email today that her daughter was fine in Boston. Frankly, I didn't even know she was in Boston--it's been that long since we were in touch. And so, I got my panties in a bunch, and then simply made it clear to my mother who tries to arbitrate that I won't be in touch. They weren't in touch when I was going through surgery and treatment, why would I be in touch with a random "we are okay" email 3 years later?
I think it becomes easier to say "no" to things and move on as we go along in this process. But I wouldn't lie: it always brings up a bitterness and anger. That deep knowing some people just won't be there in our final hours, it's that simple I think. They can't all be, I get that. But it's so unpredictable, and that is what I continue to struggle with.
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Lory48, yes! So well put. And Timbuktu, my heart breaks for you. I can FEEL what you are going through. I wish it weren't so, but these boards aren't empty calories, they are completely supportive and edifying, and I hope you garner strength in them.
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I told my therapist about that broken vase metaphor and he was very impresssed. I think of it often.
A broken vase can still be valuable. Actually, my daughter said something like that when I was venting to her about her brother. She agreed that he was awful, but she said, "he's not worthless". I think that was profound. No human being is "worthless".
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This is a good point. A broken vase can still be valuable, but it's kinda like the stuff in my cabinet: sometimes the superglue isn't enough to hold the big breaks together. And of course, it has to be pretty spectacular to still look good broken!
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I have a friend I was close to her. She is in the midst of troubles too; her mom has Alzheimer's and she is dealing that, which is hard. When I was going through treatment, I would check with her but she never checked with me to see how I was doing. I finally gave up. After a while, I said something to her, that I felt hurt. Her reply was to say she was sorry and that was the end of the conversation. She wouldn't speak further of it and her behavior did not change.
Now, many months later, she is calling to socialize. I tried going out to dinner with her, but I still felt hurt. She has called a few times since then, and I just don't feel comfortable. If she had just told me what was going on and then maybe checked how I was every couple weeks. But it was no talk and no checking. Now I let her calls go to voicemail and respond by voicemail, just saying I'm busy. I need to let this hurt and anger go. It's not worth it. I just felt so hurt that a "close" friend wasn't even bothering to text message me at least every couple weeks to say you OK. That just so hurt my feelings.
Good thing is I have many very good people in my life. Sad thing for her is that she does not have many people in her life. I hope she gets the message and leaves me alone. I just don't feel comfortable going to hang out and pretend like nothing happened. I deserved better than how she treated me.0 -
I know how you feel, exactly. I can't let it go either. But when I think of your friend, stuggling with her mother's health too, I can see how she may have reached her limit.
I went through hell with my parents health. I could only handle just so much and I can't forgive myself for not being stronger. I spoke to a therapist about it once and she said "people have limits". That was the best explanation I've ever heard for it. It's the truth. I wish I was stronger. Maybe your friend does too. She's reaching out for you now. She can't talk about it.
It's no excuse. And you have your limits too. She may have gone too far for you. I wish life were simpler!
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Yeah. I'm sure she was at her limit. At the same time, I just don't feel comfortable acting like nothing happened and now that I'm doing better, we can hang out? I wish her well, but I have had so many bad things happen to me, I can't handle her inabilities. As it is, my toxic father, brother, and sister are going to go into voicemail too. I've had it.
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I hear you! I have the same feelings toward my son. He wants to act like it never happened. Ha!
I don't understand that and I can't pretend. I'm an open person and believe most anything can be worked out if you deal with it. Although this is my limit. But he has told me I am not allowed to discuss it. which is just another form of abandonment, isn't it? So we're at a stand off. But it hurts!
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Its ten months since i heard anything from my only child.........i dont want anything anymore as soon as i was diagnosed i knew he would not handle it and he hasnt, he wanted a mum who was strong and fighting all the time not a real one.....how do i know? He told me when i ventured how scared i was of my mastectomy and how to live with it afterwards.........so much for love and blood eh?
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Kids don't have any understanding of age and illness. They will one day but it will be too late for us.
There is too much suffering in this world, especially the suffering that others inflict,
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I find this topic so clarifying and helpful, so thanks to you all.
The thing is often people don't mean to be rude, dismissive, or bad friends. I bet I've been a lousy friend at times, too. However, that doesn't change the fact that when a friendship is blown, it is really tough to put it back together.
Gritgirl, I made the decision thanks to these wonderful folks here to write a nice, quick note to my friend who disappeared while I was in treatment and now "thinks of me intensely" that I wished her all the best, and I don't have room for her right now. I do wish her the best. I wish myself the best, too. It's not my job to catch her up on what she missed. The friendship was great when it was great, and now it no longer functions as it did. And thankfully, I am clear focusing on the good people who stayed the course.
I still have anger, but I'm working on it. Some great person said anger is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die from it. I want positive vibes in my life to keep me happy and healthy for as long as possible!
Edited to add: family presents very different challenges. The hurt from family is just not the same. I've lost a close aunt, and am on pretty shaky ground with my bro. The former was definitely "I don't want to deal with your cancer". The latter is just the sadness that even in the face of my illness I will probably never have the love I want between my brother and me. This is a much deeper hurt, and I feel for each and every one of you going through it.
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LtotheK. That's the challenge, to focus on all the good I have in my life rather than the fewer negatives. I don't think either of the two friends who disappeared meant to be mean, they just each had their own issues. I just am not cool with the "let's pretend this never happened thing," After some time, I'll likely be OK with hanging out with her, but the good friend part of our friendship is gone. We'll be hang out buddies instead. I was just stirred up again by her call.
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I'm with you. I am full time on protecting my DNA so I don't have a recurrence, so anger and stress be gone. Pretending nothing happened is a privilege the healthy person had. My friend left me exactly when I reached out and wrote her that I was suffering in treatment with second degree burns, problems at work, and shingles.
If I somehow come off that I don't or didn't have anger, don't be fooled. It is a daily challenge. Why should I visit my brother and his kid when they never came to see me during treatment? What on earth would I say at family Christmas to people who stopped being in touch exactly when I got sick?
When I have these scary and hard thoughts, I try to remember it is possible--not proven, but possible--that I am doing my body physical harm. It's sorta like my Kung Fu, and it takes massive discipline every day.
Some gals here feel like they can forgive and move on with their friendships that faltered. I am not one of them, and that is just the way it is.
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Also wanted to add, I'm clear that I'll never be able to simply "hang out" with friends who failed. For me, it is just an unnecessary reminder of bad times and fear.
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Hi ladies, it's been a while so I thought I would checkin and give you another wonderful example of the "norm" according to family that don't get it. I sent my sister (the one that had ignored me for months, not returning calls or emails-now we are communicating but it's distant) an email asking her for some input on reconnecting with my aunt. I chose to seperate from my aunt who is 4 years older than I. I was always her oncall therapist so to speak, and when I needed someone's shoulder she began laughing when I was crying. After 7 months I sent her a text to let her know I was thinking of her, she texted back she misses me, and loves me- then she said "I have candida, how are you doing?" I was like WTH.. but we agreed to chat on the phone this week. Anyway, I sent an email to my sister asking her for some tips on getting my aunt to NOT just talk about her illness's. I recived back the most irritating email from my sister. Below is what she typed-
From my sister "Ok, so.. Your both sick in obviously different ways.. Yours being life threatening & hers not. Maybe it would be good for you in a way to listen to her so you can get your head wrapped around something other than your illness. Meaning, sometimes Its good to feel another persons issues so that you get your head away from your own."
This may sound selfish on my part, but I don't want to "feel" anyones personal issues such as this. I had asked her to help me to get my aunt to talk about family, flowers, kids anything other than being sick, whether it's her candida or my cancer- and this is what I get back. I am still working on a response to my sister. The things my sister has said and her actions lead me to beleive she is of the thinking I am cured, and I should not talk about my followups and how nervous I am etc.
am I wrong in feelign this way? The friends I have made since my diagnosis all seem to get it. They let me vent or poke fun at the fact I have BC-it's my way. ugg I still feel as though my family really think I am all cured and life is perfect.
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Can you say to your Aunt "this is a health issue free chat" and change the subject every time she starts?
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Lory, maybe you need a little more time?
To tell the truth your aunt's comment made me LOL. Maybe she just didn't know what to say and thought misery loves company? But it sounds so silly and awkward.
I bet once the ice is broken she'll feel more secure and be more natural.
I teach an ESL class and we were discussing "small talk". Not every culture practices it apparently. Your aunt could use a lesson in it. The funny part is that I suggested as an opener, if the people are older, "How are you feeling?" That should take care of an hour or two!
I once was with two friends. They were jealous competitive people. One told me that her son had just had a bone marrow transplant because he had leukemia. I was beside myself. Felt so awfull for her and offered to do anything to help. When she left I turned to the other friend and told her that I was wreck hearing such news! She said, very seriously, "My son has a plantar's wart that will have to be removed this week. I really hurts." lol OMG! She was a moron. Nothing more to say!
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Change the subject when she talks about it. People can be insensitive during these times. My friend who is doing the 3 day walk.... is trying to raise money. She is having a spag. dinner... GREAT! Well, the last time I talked to her she said I am so stressed out over getting enough money to walk in this thing...I am not going to kill myself over this.
I'M THINKING....I AM STRESSED ALSO...I JUST HAD A MASTECTOMY AND HAD THE OTHER SIDE DONE IN 2010....
I TOLD HER TO THINK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.....AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE BREAST CANCER!
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I really dont think many people get it even those who want to like really good friends....so just change the subject or say you want to be heard, sometimes we just have to be firm, And your sister is clueless!
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