How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Yes - one person told me about a friend of theirs who appeared on the beach one summer, with a towel over one shoulder, on being asked she mentioned she had a mastectomy due to breast cancer, but within a few days went topless as normal and my friend commented on how brave she thought she was - this was said to encourage me. I asked how her friend was and she said "oh she died within a year, she was riddled with it" - this smae perosn told me how she envied many friends who were now "fine" after BC and with lovely pert breasts that anyone would envy.........I have not spoken to her about anything to do with me or cancer again as she can only handle positive and bravery and still has no concept of the impact she had on me that day!
I was deeply hurt by my son but then I remembered that he has been intensely selfish for many years so it was obvious he would take the option easiest for him as he has never put himself out for any of his family for many years now and his wife thinks the world revolves around her family and friends so encourages him as we are nuisances out of the way.............
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OMG Lily you made me roar, not laugh. People are just so dumb, myself inculded. I just said something tactless to someone today, not about cancer, but how I wish i had thought first and spoken later! But what you wrote about your son! I sure know what you're talking about. My son too is so incredibly selfish and has been for years. what did i expect?
I don't ask anyone about anyone else who had cancer anymore because I don't want to hear that they passed away!
I have enough to worry about!
People are just so stupid sometimes!
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LtotheK- I first posted on this thread because my friend whom I work with for 9 years stopped calling me. We spoke everyday for hours on end, we work at home and are also partners for the company we work for. It haunted me everyday. When I posted here I actually had to take a xanax I was so worked up, here I am fighting for my life and dealing with that but couldnt take the pain she was causing me. I called her and she didnt return my calls. I called her again and we did speak. She was no longer the person she was before my DX on 1/04. I could tell she wasnt comfortable speaking with me. We had a pleasant conversation, this was 9 days ago.. as I hung up the phone I was at peace with our relationship, and I was able to let her go. I have not been bothered or hurt by it since. I dont question our friendship and I wish no ill will. She doesnt get it and I hope to God she never has to. But, its okay I will need to have some communication with her regarding our job but the bond we had is broken. I am not a overly religious person but the one thing I ask for is Strength and I got it to fight my fight and to let things not worth fighting go. I let her go and damn it feels good
I am also not the same person I was pre DX, I am even BETTER!Day- I love reading your posts, your teaching me and you dont even know it. xo
Lily- Thank you for your words here and on the other board. I always smile when I see you.
Much love to all of you.
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You made a good point. You're in the fight of your life and yet the pain is over your friend. Do they not realize this?
It's an odd thing really. All of the pain over the cancer was nothing compared to my pain over losing my son and grandchildren. And then, he gets rid of the dog. the dog didn't even matter to them. So what am i supposed to do?
Forget the whole thing? I guess so. But how odd the whole thing is. To cause such excrutiating pain to your mother and not even care?
Sometimes I wondered if I was transferring the pain and fear from the illness to my son. It's something specific that you can point to. But I don't think that's it. I think you just get really vulnerable when you're sick and your life is in danger. But time passes and somehow by some miracle the pain eases. It's amazing really. And a gift.
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Oh yes! the "how are yous". How does everyone handle those? they are so well intentioned so caring but they knock the wind right out of me and I'm left wondering what to say. Do they want a prognosis? Do they mean "how do you feel at the moment?" Do they want a medical history? One woman asked if I was in "remission" and I was stumped. No one has ever used that word with me. I dare not say "I'm cured". I usually wind up mumbling something like "I'm ok" but I usually feel that they are not satisfied with that. It's a relief to see people who don't know!
I have no problem with people who know but don't know what to say so say nothing. That seems a very reasonable response to me. If they can't handle it, they don't, fine with me. I know that some people have had a lot of this in their background. Others have found a way to deny or overlook these things because they are struggling with so many others things. As long as they are kind and decent I have no problem with them ignoring the issue. In fact, I've done it myself in the past. Just awkwardness. Not knowing how to deal with it. And everyone is different so it's not always easy to know how to deal with it. Some want to talk a lot and some not at all. Anyway, it's so good "talking" to everyone who knows what I'm talking about!
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Has anybody seen the utube of Martina McBride singing "I'm gonna love you through it?"
the first time I saw that i cried and cried. My husband was the rock that loved me through it and I was so grateful to have him. The lyrics of that song are spot on. How you need someone to urge you on when you want to give up. And there are testamonials of people who have been through it discussing who it was that loved them through it. I sent it to my husband with thanks. And I sent it to my son. No answer.
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My pet peeve: the "how's your health" from distant friends who don't understand that I've managed a whole career jump and had a million great things happen since cancer and that I really only wanted or needed to talk about it with non-survivors while it was happening. Would so prefer support for my upcoming tenure or directorship at my faculty!
Update on my decision: since I knew I would obsess if I didn't make contact with said person, I wrote her on FB (not email, as she's only been contacting me through FB) and said "Welcome! I am in the middle of graduate admissions for my program, and will contact you when I come up for air. In the meantime, enjoy!"
It was a huge release. I will probably not call, but it helped me not think about it. It was a good strategy, I think, and informed by all of you. Thank you!
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^I think that's a pretty good way to handle it. I don't know about anyone else, but my already somewhat socially awkward self got even MORE socially awkward after spending way too many months holed up in the house by myself, rarely seeing anyone. Add some chemo brain to that and conversations don't always flow so great, especially difficult ones. I'm much better with emails and such.
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Ltothe, that was a fantastic strategy. She should get the message now. I really admire how you handled it. I'll remember that!
Chemical, boy do i feel your pain. Chemo brain is real. People say they can't tell but I can tell. Theys say things like "everyone forgets things" etc. They don't know what to say either and I am awkward socially too so I forgive them.
I waste a lot of time berating myself for things I've said and shouldn't have. I bet the people I've said them too don't even remember, or at least I hope they don't.
I think this whole experience has left us a bit raw. Maybe we can grow from it? That's my hope anyway.
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I am learning so many new things about myself during this time. As I read through all these posts I see me as the child/woman who never feels quite comfortable in most social situations. A couple of ladies I felt were my best friends seem to have no time to share together with me any longer. With that revelation its TIME FOR A CHANGE ......... With my dear husbands encouragement last week I flew across the country by "myself"......never brave enough to travel alone.. to visit daughter. Lately trying to get to more involved socially with neighbors & others who I may have only shared a passing hello before. Delightfully finding that we enjoy alot of same interests.
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My 2 sons 19 and 15 are incredibly selfish. I have flu this week and need some help to pack. I have asked them both - but nothing. my 15 yr old will live with me.
I have to leave my home because of their Dad taking the whole thing to court to sell the family home.
He left rather dramatically 3 years ago (just walked out). i think he was having an affair.
I feel so hurt by the boys' behaviour. Yet they are so young, they will probably come good.
I am weary.
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lemon *hugs*
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Pegs - good for you, a big step to a better future
WS - so sorry, hope you get settled soon, leave all your son´s things and if he does not pack them up tell him the removal men will be asked to dump the stuff........!!! Teenagers are so thoughtless, and your ex sounds like he is no great loss
Timbuktu - how are you doing?
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So nice of you to ask Lily. I survived the dinner last night with minor bumps and bruises.
Everything feels different now. What can you do?
We're all "survivors" here, right?
At least I got to see my grandaughters.
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Oh well at least you got the invite to dinner, I feel I am dead to them long before I plan to really be dead!
I know what you mean everything feels different, I find that with so much and I think a lot of it is that I feel so different in myself.
I don´t know if i am a survivor, I am just trying to find a way of living that does not involve hurting physically or emotionally most of the time!
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That is so well put Lily, We've changed so it seems everything else has too. I think my son is just discovering that I've changed. For instance, he started gossiping about a neighbor, a nice boy who is ill physically and possibly mentally. He seemed to be gloating in the most evil way and I just could not endure it. i finally said "This discussion is making me uncomfortable. He is a good boy who is ill." He got such a look of shock on his face! I don't know why but he clammed up and seemed upset. But there was just no way I could put up with his cruelty. I've suffered because of his gossip and I wasn't going to take part in it anymore. I think before my illness I probably would have let it go, But no more. So yes, I've changed. And I think for the better.
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Hello Timbuktu
I love your post... I have just joined this thread as it resonated very loudly with me. I have had problems with siblings and friends since dx 2.5 yrs ago. I invited my (now ex-) best friend for lunch on Christmas day 2010 (we're both single) and even though I was half way through Chemo I was really looking forward to it, my last treatment was 31st dec and I decided to celebrate Xmas with my first glass of wine in months.. Anyway I opened the door without my wig on and her face was such a picture of pain, disgust, embarrassment and repulsion. I couldn't forget it. We had plans for that NYE and she cancelled same day leaving me in the lurch. Now we still lunch 3/4 times a year, but she is forever telling me about other friends of hers who have bc and howmuch she does for them.... it is unreal and awkward as we share other friends that I still like. She never once called or visited during the two years, and I only see her now when there are others around. Just not sure whether to forgive her, and if I tackle feelings head on with her she bursts into tears so I drop the subject, she has done this repeatedly in public and private. Fed up with her now. As others have said life is too short.
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Forgive her enough to move on and then forget her - you don´t need friends like that!
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I just saw this and i had to share.
Sometimes you have to forgive and forget..forgive them for hurting you and forget they exist.
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I went to see Les Mis for the third time. I needed a reminder after last night with my son. As usual I cried and cried. Hugh Jackman really should have gotten the Oscar. But anyway, what makes me cry ...it's how Jean Valjean learns to give up hate. It touches me deeply and this time, when I left the theatre, I vowed I would give up hate too. It does no good. I will try to not even use the word, as in "I hate mustard", which I do. I just want to extricate hate from my life. If it enters, it will have to be from outside, not from inside. That movie...it always puts my head on straight.
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GrannyD - we are twins!!! THe F and F twins....
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I was told about this thread from a fellow TN sister. All I can say is Wow, I am not alone in this pain and hurt. I agree, I have changed, and will no longer settle for bad behavior by others. I am here,alive and doing well, living my life to the 9's.
I was not treated with love and care by my children, namely my yougest son. He lived just 3 hrs from me, and made every excuse when he cancelled every planned weekend to come and visit. I called him on it, and he got ugly. We have healed the hurt, but our relationship with never be the same as before cancer. I had what I thought was a close friend that dissapeared during my treament, only to reappear when I was doen with treatment. We had a long discussion, in which I told her I would except no more than the friend I thought she should, which she agreed. Fast forward to today, she is no longer a friend after regressing to the one-sided, lying behavior. I think, no I know I had accepted the this type of behavior from them for years before my diagnosis, but it was so apparent that this WAS the norm after my diagnosis- I just refused to accept it any longer.
Right now I am dealing with my sister completely cutting me out of her life. She began to do this after I had some spots that popped up (they are watching) back in Nov. The last call I received from her was very late at night, leaving a message about not knowing what is going on with me. she was obviously drunk (she is an alcoholic)asking me to text her the next day what is a good time to call. I did so with no reply. I have emailedher, texted her, Fb'd her with no reply. I will not call any longer as it just goes to voice mail, or she says she can't talk and will call me later.
I have learned so much about human behavior through this journey. I have always been the caregiver, the counselor and supoorter of every relationship I have or have been in. Now I have learned a new found lack of "give a damn" behavior. IN a nut shell, I will not deal with lack of concern by family and friends any longer, it's not good for me- And I AM worth more than the upset they cause.. like water off a duck!
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"Now I have learned a new found lack of "give a damn" behavior." Though it sounds negative, I think this is the most positive outcome possible. If I cared less what others thought, if I let certain things go more easily, if I said "thanks, but no thanks" and could walk away with forgiveness instead of resentment, I would have more energy and time for the people who count. I think this is a good lesson.
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LtotheK- That is what I am talking about- no resentment, be here in my moment, I love you, but I am putting me first. If you want to be part of my positive life, then you have a long road to go before you get to my house.I will wear a smile, and have positivepeople around me, this includes my children. They are both grown and married, if they choose to be part of this path I am on, either way I will be blessed to have them join in. If they choose to distant themselves, that's ok too. It is not worth getting all wrapped around the axles if they don't.
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Oh Girls I hear u loud and clear.This is about us.Its like they dont care,give a damn and i think its bullshit that they cannot handle it.grown men.comeon...we have to so why cant they.I find the girls betta then the boys and men.and who is the weaker sex?excuse me!!!!!
Your walkin and so am I.Finally.For now anyway.lol.
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Lilly----you are right.we are twins.i had it on facebook and you should see the comments.I also had if you have to be 2 faced at least let one of them be pretty.my sons wife is ugly.inside and out.
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I don't hate. I despise. And avoid, the same way you'd avoid a cockroach that wants to crawl up your arm or stepping in a turd in the middle of the road.
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I found a quote that said, "I'm a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you again." I've been learning to walk away from the people who walked away from me and from people who say or do cruel things, even unintentionally. It's about them, not me.
Lily, facing death is one of life's greatest challenges. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
I found a T-shirt that says, "Thank you for being my unbiological sister." I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. Truly.0 -
Oh how sad it is that these people couldn't and can't see what they have/haven't done. Mothers/brothers/sisters/sons.......
My sister has shocked me the most. No contact from her since last June. I am just too tired to look at it any more. best to walk away. But I am done with her - I can never ever go back. I cannot forgive. Especially as I gave over a great deal of time when she needed me. I am lucky to have a couple of great girlfriends. They are now my family. Also the lovely ladies on here, many I have not acknowledged for dragging me up from the depths.......
I was warned by my breast nurse that many people would withdraw and that's exactly what happenend.
I still find this hard to work out what is wrong with them??? I have finally settled on 'fear'. I think they are (amongst other things) terrified.
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Lory well said and Granny you also!
Not only is BC making me stronger physically to fight the BC is it making me stronger in many other ways. I was allowing those around me that were not good for me to hurt and cause me pain. I am not sure how I did it but I feel FREE!! And it feels great! I feel so empowered by my decisions to no longer allow these people to walk all over me. I couldnt force anyone to come on my cancer journey with me and those that have I will forever be grateful for. Some on here said we shouldnt expect anything from friends, I dont agree we should expect them to be what a friend is, I just found out sometimes friendships are one sided. I dont know how I will feel as time passes but letting go sure does feel good.
I am so sorry for some its not a friend but a family member. Thats a different kind of pain. I hope that friendship helps fill that void, we dont get to pick our families. ((hugs)) and strength to those of you dealing with this. I hope the 'sons' that cause so much pain on these boards wise up. And I hope that they will think for themselves and not just listen to their wives, in the end they will regret their choices and resent their wives. Hopefully they will do what is right sooner not later. A mothers love, no other kind of love.
much love to you all xo
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