How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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You said it perfect kd!!!
Hugs and love Map - you will make it thru even in the dark hours0 -
kd - thanks for the support and reminders to do good things. I know them but don't always do them.
Map - you have a lot going on. Step by step and yes, take up any offers! Isn't it something how life throws this all our way. I always think - Good thing we have maturity. It'd be hard to handle all of this without some life experience.0 -
I understand feelling 'dumped' by your family. I have no parents, but I have 5 siblings. I reached out to each of them before my surgery (6 1/2 weeks ago). That is the only conversation I've had with ANY of them! I am totally shocked that 4/5 of them have never reached out in ANY way....not even a text message or email. The one sister who has reached out has sent a card twice and even sent a care package. That was HUGE to me, and I have felt very loved and supported by her because of that. I don't expect more. I know that everyone has a life and they are busy. But, forgive them? There's nothing to forgive. I try to look at it as an outsider. They must be carrying a lot of pain if they can't reach out to their sister. It would have been nice to get an occasional word from them, but I didn't, and that is OK. I am blessed with a lot of friends who have showered me with love. Some people expect a lot because they are willing to GIVE so much to their friends and family when they are needed. I think it's hardest for people like that when they don't get that same 'love' back when they need it. But, I've learned that life is too short to be angry. I love my siblings, and I'm sad that they are missing out on the love that I am experiencing right now. No grudges.....0 -
I'm having a major anxiety attack because I want to go to a Christmas party thrown by one of my few faithful friends. The anxiety is that I will probably see many of the folk I've not seen since they swore I was like family to them and then threw me out of my group, two weeks before my diagnosis. I am already very weepy and I don't want to make a scene but the last time I went out in public and ran into an old performing friend, one I've not seen in years, I ended up bawling at the table.
The event got moved to a karaoke bar and starts around the time I've been going to bed, so there's one excuse I can use but I also intend to take a nap beforehand. I guess I could show up and leave if it just feels wrong, but I truly don't know what to do. I haven't done anything 'in public', socially, in over six months and it hasn't all been about the cancer. How do I paste on a Holiday Greetings face when I want to slap these folks silly?0 -
Beeve - do what I do.
I have ended up meeting people who threw me out of their lives once I was DX with BC. When I see them I know they are embarrassed and ashamed of their behavior. I sort of have a "screw you" attitude with them without being mean or nasty. Its fantastic…i feel very vindicated! That may seem mean and bitter but its just how I feel. I actually look forward to meeting these people. When they ask how I am I just say fine…great…good and then change the subject.0 -
there are all types out there. Just be glad that everyone is not the same b/c you would end up with a situation you don't like.... Nobody really understands what we have been through. And, personally the majority of them don't really want to understand...even if they are helping you out here and there.
Just be glad you are alive and able to still live a productive life. It is their ignorance that is making you upset and You cant change them.... you get frustrated. Point: They will never understand. But, always remember who helped you and who didnt
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Beeve, I'm with Mardibra. These people are ignorant. If they ask how you're doing, prepare, prepare, prepare your answers ahead of time.
I'm sure the ladies here can come up with some good ones for you such as, "oh, your throwing me under the bus didn't kill me so I'm certain my cancer won't either". Or, "my friends have been wonderful helping me through my cancer (emphasis on friends). Maybe you'd like to ask them".
I'm also struggling with accepting an invitation to a pastor's luncheon next week. There will be one person there who is the only one I confided in two years ago about my cancer. Basically ignored me thereafter. I do not want the subject brought up in front of all the others since this is a Christmas luncheon and not a Sue has cancer luncheon. He's good about doing just that so ladies, I too need a good response for the pretend care question.
We will somehow get through this!
Sue
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i am feeling fine, although i could have done with support a couple of years ago but now lets focus on Christmas,0 -
Somehow I have found a way to shut down these conversations pretty quickly. I'm sure it's more about my facial expressions than my words. Or, maybe both. I'm fine, never better with a fake smile usually does it. They get the message.0 -
Thank you ladies. In the end I crapped out on going, for one thing my husband wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to face those guys on my own. I haven't mustered up my old backbone enough to be snarky, and believe me, I know how to be snarky. I've already turned down the 'misfits christmas eve at the Browns' (former best friend who hurt me the worst and also said that if others know I'm coming they won't show up, so she should be pleased I've turned her down). If she asks me why I have declined I will tell her straight up. I've only seen her once since my diagnosis and only hear from her when she wants something.
2014 has to be better, right?0 -
Dang Beeve I can relate to your story about the friend who only calls when they want something. I am working on forgiving because after all that is what we are supposed to do...right? She was supportive in the beginning and even took me to my first appt with the Rad Oncologist which I appreciated. I chose to go to my Rads treatments on my own. I went first thing - like when they opened the door and was gone in an hour. I don't blame you for not going even with your husband being ill. Why subject yourself to what might happen? As for your former best friend...OMG who would say something like people won't come...some friend. Its hurtful; I completely get that...been there, done that. I try to be the kind of friend I want them to be but doesn't always work out that way. Recently I had a mini scare with Tamoxifen - its okay now - and this so called friend was almost dismissive. What I needed was a pep talk; what I got was I will get back to you. I don't keep a laundry list of what I have done for she and her husband through their medical issues, house repairs, court situations, etc., but this was kind of the final straw. She is def the ask what you can do for her instead of the other way around and frankly it gets old. She has some good qualities but the one thing I expect from a friend is to be there...and for the record we all deserve that kind of a friend. I guess you really do find out who those friends are at a time like this. Diane
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She actually said that? If others know your coming they won't show up? That's not a friend. That was mean and hurtful. Find a new group of friends...you will be better off.0 -
My first time posting here, Edwards that is not a friend, by any stretch the imagination. I'm sorry she said that. You are better off without her. My goodness.0 -
Holy cow! That is NOT a friend. What I say is I praise the two people who were there for me a lot! Then I repeat it. And again. If anyone is crass enough to ask if those were the only two I say yes, my other friends just must not have cared half as much about me. Then I go on about how much I appreciated all they did for me. LOL0 -
I am trying to untangle myself with this person, I told her I no longer consider her a friend; merely a colleague with whom I have a long history. But it was such a long friendship, the first one I formed when I moved here twenty years ago. It all changed when my mother died and I inherited a lot of money - all the sudden she was pissed off about that, though she would never admit it. But all the passive aggressive stuff did not pass me by. She seems to forget we aren't friends though.
A couple of weeks ago she called twice over a four day span, just to chat. I knew that couldn't be it but she didn't ask for anything. A day later I got an email from a job for which she had applied, using me as a letter of reference. I guess she thinks I'm stupid. I graded her fairly (so not all A's) and under comments mentioned that she has a lifetime problem with getting anywhere on time and I couldn't count the times I'd been left in the parking lot with the rest of the crew, waiting for her to show up with the keys.
Note to self: don't use as a reference someone you burned so badly.0 -
Beeve, that's perfect! And oh so true.0 -
revenge is a dish best served cold.....glad you put yourself first,sometimes you need to be tough with thick skinned people.......0 -
Beeve, what a perfect opportunity to be able to honestly rate that friendship with a prospective employer. She will never know it was you!
Seems as though each of us have had to deal with long term friendships going by the wayside. It took cancer for me to see a 25 year friendship was all about my friend and had been all that time. Never there for me and after 25 years, couldn't tell me when my birthday was! It's God's way of pruning the vine. Dump the dead weight and sprout new, heathy friendships. They will come!
Sue
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I've had a tumultous relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember. It's just been a constant struggle for us to have a mother-daughter relationship without it turning into a misunderstanding with hurt feelings and no speaking. It's a long and complicated story, but as of today she is not in my life. She knows of the cancer diagnosis and my recent surgery. I talked to her in the hospital about the possibility of her coming to our house so she could help out, but somewhere along the way things got screwy again and she isn't speaking to me. She actually deleted me from Facebook of all things. It all sounds so petty and stupid when I type it out here, but believe me this has a long history! So, Now I'm hurt again by her actions, she must be hurt by something she percieved I did or didn't do....and meanwhile I have cancer. I actually don't have the energy to figure it all out with her again and again, to me it shouldn't be this complicated. I've thought about calling her, but I know if I do call her I'm going to get an ear full, or an attitude and I just don't feel like I could handle it right now. Call me crazy, but I feel like she should be reaching out to me and if I did do something to hurt her, I should have some slack cut considering what is going on???
I'm hurt and angry over this, I've had my dad and step-mom asking why isn't your mom here, even friends asking that. I feel like crap about it, I mean most mom's would come and help a little right? what did I do to do deserve this, this time?
So, I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice on how to forgive, just a vent and maybe some advice too
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Tangandchris - my mother was very similar. If she had an injury the world stopped. If one of her kids had an injury we were faking and should get over it. I finally made my peace that she loved me in the only way she knew and truly believed she'd done her best and that to argue otherwise was just ramming my head into a brick wall. It was hard not to be a right fighter, but much better in the long run. When she died we were finally close. Yes, she SHOULD be reaching out and yes, you SHOULD have some slack cut, but those are the rules of normal folks and your mom, like mine, has her own rule book.
Seriously, her version of the serenity prayer was "to change the things I cannot accept" and she never saw anything wrong with that point of view.0 -
Beeve-Thanks for the support. It's just hard to overlook it so many times and be the "bigger" person. I know all those things, she did the best she could...blah,blah,blah. But, the problem with her is that reasoning is good for her, but no one else. If I'm doing my best in situation and maybe not handling it so well, she gives me no slack.
anyway, it is what it is. I've got to concentrate on the positives and take care of myself. ((hugs))
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Tangandchris and beeve,
my mother is like this also. somehow my cancer dx turned into a 'what about me scenario?'. She even said 'I don't need this at my age'.
I went through chemo, rads, and surgery basically alone. My sister too behaved very badly, offering nothing. Indeed when I told her of my dx, she immediately made an appointment to talk to her GP about her risk and asked for a mammo. The most I got was on being discharged following neutropenia was; 'I bet your cat missed you'. I came home to a cold house, no food even though they both live less than an hour from me.
I now do not speak to either. I feel much more at peace as a result. I always knew no help would be forthcoming, has been so all my life.
I am now a mother, and I would walk to the ends of the earth and back again for my boys..........0 -
Wintersocks-
I feel the same way, my kids I would do anything for!!
I'm sorry you went thru this, it is terrible...but I agree when I'm not speaking to her I'm at peace in some ways.
Take care!
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Some of these posts make me think everyone should look up borderline personality disorder. It's what a lot of this sounds like. How dare you inconvenience them or steal their thunder with your cancer diagnosis! Why are YOU the center of attention??
I too had a heinous experience once diagnosed. A bunch of my friends took me out to lunch on a Saturday right before surgery and we formed my "breast cancer posse". We had fun and they cheered me on through the MRI, surgery and all of the pathology that goes with it. I had a "the tumor is gone" party and my house was spotless, but after my first chemo, I ended up in the hospital for 5 days with neutropenia and a fever. No biggie, my Mom called me constantly from Philadelphia, as did my good friends there. I was in good hands in the hospital and had lots of visitors.
But one of my posse had gone into my house after I left for the hospital and found it in too much of a shambles for her (excuse me, I'd been vomiting non-stop for a week and was unable to eat anything or keep water down--I'm not going to even go into what that poor toilet went through, plus I had night sweats and my sheets smelled like metal). I'm single, so no one had been cleaning for me and I own a dog and a cat, so there were some additional messes even though I was walking the poochie.
She made a huge deal out of it and had at least 10 people in my house over the weekend, cleaning, including my boss and various coworkers. It was embarrassing. I came home to a spotless house, she'd walked my dog all week and cleaned up after my cat, fed my creatures. I was so appreciative. Then I get the email from her "are you mad at me?" Think borderline personality disorder...they must be the center of focus.
I later found out she'd called my mother and my best friend, both in Philly, and told them to get out here now. They were panicking and crying because they didn't know what was so wrong that they needed to be here. I was texting and calling them from the hospital and was doing so much better. When asked why they should come out, the friend told them "her house is not fit for human habitation." (even though she'd been there for a party two weeks before and had dropped me off after my first chemo and sat and had wine and cheese...it couldn't be that bad one week later). When asked why the house was so bad, she told them "there's a rotting head of broccoli in her refrigerator and the cat pooped outside of the litter box"...huh? It was Thanksgiving week. Who could afford to jump on a plane over rotting broccoli and some misplaced cat poop?
When I expressed dissatisfaction over this, while at the same time thanking her for her help, she stopped speaking to me.
Look up borderline personality disorder. It isn't rare.0 -
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HI. What is your status ? Meaning , are you stage I,II,III,IV . Any lymph nodes involved?
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You.....Know what I LOVE my ShihTzu better then my extended Family!!!! Liz
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Chery....are you asking me? I can't figure out how to do my sig line...
I'm stage III with 6/25 nodes
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Sandcastle - I love MY Shih Tzu better than my family too!
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I believe that it is impossible to live without expectations. We inherently need other people and we expect them to be there for us if they have a label of 'friend'. If they are labeled 'relative', then I'm not so certain about the right of expectation. Is blood thicker than water? We choose our friends, not our relatives, as the saying goes. Everyone touts 'family is the most important thing in my life' or 'family comes first'. I believe these are myths that we create to make sure we are part of something larger than ourselves. However, look at where most of the grief and anger, and frustration reside - with our families (yes, there is also happiness, but let's face it - there are members of our family with whom we would never socialize or select as friends). Our social contract with friends is built upon expectations. We've identified someone who stands out from the rest, to whom we feel a connection, whose company we enjoy. But the friendship is usually developed and built upon good, positive things. We often don't know if the friendship is strong until it is tested by some adversity. The problem, sometimes, is that we never verbalize those expectations and are surprised if they don't come through for us. But are the expectations known and mutual? Would the friend experience the sense of abandonment and disappointment if the situation were reversed? Would they share the same expectations? We don't know because we haven't asked.
My point is that two way communication is vital in our relationships. I love the post (here or in another section?) from the woman who 'asked' for what she needed. The 'patient' would be clear about what she needs and the 'friend' would have the opportunity to meet that need explicitly. Perhaps that would go a long way to keeping relationships intact. (Our emotional side says we shouldn't have to ask, that if they were friends, they would know what to do. Maybe, but we're not perfect beings and part of friendship is accepting the faults as well as the good qualities of a person.)
Relationships are so complex and there are no 100% accurate answers to our problems. Our best approach may be to give the friend the benefit of the doubt, try to focus on the good qualities that drew you together in the first place, and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive. If you can let go of the anger you will make peace with yourself and that is so much more important than making peace with others, which may flow out of the peace you've made with yourself.
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