How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Coltsneck,
An amazing post. I agree with all you have said; I understand completely the disappointments that family often brings, all the more hurtful because they are 'family'.
I cannot forgive mine for their behaviour at the time of my dx, my mother and 1 sister. I am at peace with that disappointment, however the anger still remains. But this is nothing new, I guess I thought they would be there when I was dx, but actually closer inspection reveals they never were. My mistake thinking they might be at this time. Acceptance that they never will be has come finally for me.
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Coltsneck....Well Said....I think with Family there is Betrayal.......it is all so very sad....Liz
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Hi everyone~I've been reading as much as I can to cope with my recent diagnosis of breast cancer and all that entails with treatments, etc. I've mostly posted on the "November 2013 Chemotherapy" thread but realize that one of my biggest struggles is the current abandonment I feel by others since the initial onset of my diagnosis...primarily the abandonment I feel by my only sibling, my only sister.
Like so many of us...we've all been through loads of adversity in our lives...all of us with breast cancer being the latest piece or the latest challenge. I have forgiven a lot of people over the years for this or that, PARTICULARLY my sister 'cause she's always been rather critical of and mean to me. We've had a strained relationship. I'm 56 yrs old and she is 58 yrs old.
As so many have stated, I forgive because I believe it is the right thing for ME to do and it truly sets me free...I do not want to hold grudges, have many enemies, etc. But aren't we defined as much (if not more) by what we stand up for or (at times) "disagree" with, versus that which we "agree" with or just let go? When is "enough just enough" with people?
So, I'm "stuck" at the point where "LtotheK" posted about "forgiveness being one thing...but how does one move forward with such people?"
How do I move forward with the few "important" people or family members in my life who "did what they felt they could do" and simply dropped out of sight...people like my sister? How does one have a relationship with such people moving forward? How is that possible? What can a relationship "look" like after a life-changing event like breast cancer?
Thank you for reading this and thank you everyone for everything that has been posted.
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toni. ((((Hugs)))). The only way is to just start doing it. In other words don't go out of your way to include your sister in things. Do just your basic obligatory Christmas if you spend it together etc. But if you want to see a movie don't feel you have to call her. You need to take care of you. If she calls don't feel you have to share everything. Just the how are you I'm fine bit. Others who care and are actually emotionally there for you get how you really feel. Just my take on it.
Much love.
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I agree with Moonflwr, you don't have to make a huge thing about it with your sister. Just move forward and take care of you. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with someone ((hugs))
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Thank you both so much for your replies, Moonflwr and tang. I completely understand what you are saying. I've tried having the discussion about "how can we do this (our relationship) differently" but my sister is not interested in that discussion. I understand that she has some real problems in her life and I've tried being there for her my ENTIRE life. But I cannot take the abuse and the rejection anymore.
She recently underwent intensive therapy and has embraced many of the tenants of DBT. Her current position is "Radical Acceptance." It seems to help her, I guess. I don't know...I'm not that close to her (sadly) anymore.
You won't believe this but since posting yesterday, I received a call that my father's youngest brother...his favorite brother, who was there for my father until my father died in 2004...died this morning after a long illness. I may be traveling to Providence Rhode Island (where I was raised) from the Ann Arbor Michigan area for the wake and the funeral. Undoubtedly, my sister and BIL will be there. Gotta keep it civil...Good Lord...I do not have the strength. Spoke with my MO about the feasibility of my traveling (via plane) and doing this on my own. Of course, my cousins and my last living Aunt (my favorite...like a second mother) will be there...I have over a dozen living cousins who will likely attend.
Uggggghhhhh. Am I ready for this? Can I do this? I'm at day 8 post T&C?
Good grief...Lord help me!!!
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I think all you can do for people, friends and family who acts and treat you strange during this hard time is to pray they never ever have to find out what it feels like
Some of the people I thought would be there for me are not but others I didn't expect are most fantastic and for that I am thankful enough to forgive those who don't!! 0 -
tkni, usually the worst SES are gone by day 10. So you might be able to physically handle it. Emotionally? Might be harder. I would spend time with your Aunt and other people the most. Just don't make yourself available to your sister much. Play the Cancer fatigue card if you have to. As in, I'm sorry I can't go to dinner with you as I need a nap.... or I don't feel strong enough to walk right now. Oh hell even the excuse I'm going to be sick.... All are and can be true just not as they will think. As in I'm sick of your bullying. See. You ARE sick! Much love.
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tonilee, can you hold your own service or get a friend to travel with you? Its a lot of strain physically and emotionally?
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Hi There - Anyone been put on Lovenox shots for blood clots? I had a ganglion cyst removed from my hand and the IV was put in my foot because they were operating on my right hand and my cancer was on the left. I ended up with a clot that goes from my big toe up past my knee into my thigh area. They've taken me off the Tamoxifen for a month and put me on Lovenox shots for 14days to start - seems to be working but the Lovenox is kicking my butt! My stomach is a huge purple mess - looks like I had a bleed all through my stomach area, I've been nauseaus and exhausted and have had a constant headache. Wondering if anyone else has gone through this and if the side effects end when the shots stop.Also curious if anyone has gone of the Tamox and then back on - did you have any side effects or problems???
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Kayce234 - I am not a medical person - just had a friend on Lovenox who almost died as a result of it. She had a terrible reaction to it. Honestly, I don't remember all of it now. If you haven't already, make sure they are checking you regularly and have seen what you are talking about! Oh my, I am so sorry you have to undergo such a horrible thing!
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Kaycee, I Hope you have told that info to your doctor? Also you might consider starting a new thread about livenox. I am sure there are others who are using that. Good luck.
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My son was on Lovenox for 6 months when he was 14yrs old and luckily he never complained a bit, I don't think he even missed a day of school. Everyone is different though and there are other blood thinners like coumadin, you should ask your doctor if there are other options for you. Best of luck.
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Just found this thread. For a long time I had trouble forgiving my partner. We were together 14 yrs, then broke up for a year, the year I had cancer. We still shared a home while we were separated. I felt so alone without my best friends/partner. My DCIS was diagnosed a few months after our split. While I was going through rads I decided I had to fight to get her back. So I put a plan in motion and by September were back together. We just married in June 2013. But over the past 2 yrs we have had some very heated fights during which I would remind her how she wasnt "there" for me during my cancer dx and surgery. My family came to the hospital and rallied when i was dx and during my lumpectomy. But were not much involved when I did rads. Driving 3 hr round trip alone to rads for 6 weeks....i never felt more alone in my life. I am now deicindg about having a bmx. I started a Facebook group for all those who are interested in being part of my "team" of support to help me decide and to support me after surgery if i proceed. I have one sister im not close to who will probably not be of much help, but everyone else so far is being supportive as is my partner. I had to finally let go of the bad feelings ....the stress was more than i needed and dont need it this time either. Who knows , maybe it was the high stress of my family relationships that brought me the BC in the first place.
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You know, even three years out it is a work in progress.
I posted here about an old friend who disappeared during treatment, and sort of gently reappeared tentatively after two years that left me so sad and haunted. I visited her for exactly 50 minutes with a friend for cover, and simply wanted to wish her well while I was visiting her city this holiday. In a way, it was a tribute to myself for the great time we had together. It was very freeing, it helped me see what a real nut she is, even if I'm mature enough to say that I still love what she and I used to be.
Though it has taken me some time, I realize you can't resolve things with limited people. Unfortunately, I think this experience teaches us that we don't really know anyone as well as we think. I have another friend who I really like very much, but at a distance after she basically made it clear she couldn't handle illness. Now, she wants to be more friendly, and I think she's confused that I am being stand-offish.
I'm afraid it's just self-protection. If I can't count on you during my time of great need, what the heck, we can't start from here, even if I wanted to. What is there to say, you can't live life over.
My life is filled with people, relationships ebb and flow. The reality is, we can't give to all of them equally, and so I try to humble myself that someday it's possible I, too won't be there in the way someone else would like me to be.
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Bluewillowskys-I've wondered that too...did the high stress bring it on? I've had a difficult time in my life since 2008 and it has literally been on on thing after another of life altering situations. Job lay-offs, inlaws moving in, major family riffs,a surprise pregnancy, I had CPS called on me out of spite, then I found out my dh was unfaithful to me. It's been alot and I know I wasn't taking care of myself thru it all.
IDK, life is hard and I have found hope in the midst of all this crazy, but the thought had crossed my mind. I'm glad you have been able to let go of the things that were bringing you pain. I'm a work in progress and sometimes a slow -goer.
((hugs)) to you all!
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Things are still very strained with my mother. I havent talked to her since Dec 7th. Its hard to get back on the horse when still nervous about being bucked off. I suspect we will get somewhat close again with her new dx of thyroid recurrence as my brothers work long hours and out of town. I live only 15 miles from her and she has to come into town to shop and see drs. and such. It still saddens me that I dont have a real mother daughter relationship. Its one thing in life Ive always wanted but has been kept out of reach. Maybe with her health issue and my decision to make we can find some common ground....
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Hi everyone-not having the best day today
but I had to post with an update and a big THANK YOU to everyone who helped me last week.Long-story-short...my Medical Oncologist rather reluctantly cleared me for airplane travel from Michigan to Rhode Island. With much apprehension and fear, I DID attend my Uncle John's wake and funeral services and I am so thankful that I traveled and attended!
The only deal-breaker was that I HAD to wear an industrial style face mask at all times while in airport terminals and on airplanes. I definitely needed wheelchair assistance to navigate the large airport terminals 'cause I am simply too weak to walk large spaces. I chose to stay away from crowds at all times and I sat in a separate room after greeting my cousins at the wake. I sat in the back of the church near doors/fresh air during the funeral and steered far away from anyone who seemed remotely ill. Lots of hand-washing...so far so good.
I know MOST bacterial/viral infections take from 48 hrs to 7 days to incubate; so if I am not ill for my pre-chemo physical next Monday, I think I'll be good to go!
As an aside, traveling and seeing family, old friends, etc was the most "normal" and the most connected I have felt...the happiest, really since my breast cancer diagnosis in September 2013. A dear friend and I even went WIG SHOPPING and I purchased a cool, funky, stylish fun wig!!!!!
bluewillows and others...my sister, BIL and niece DID attend all services and actually shuttled me a few times to 'n fro. Frankly, I was too tired and weak to get into any controversy with my sister. However, I made it my mission to avoid any hostile interactions with her and simply limit my contact and "dependence" on her throughout the visit. And I primarily just listened to others, observed and shut my mouth about most things! I'm realizing my sister is simply not going to be the one to help and support me during this time. And it IS changing (already has changed) the relationship we allegedly have (or had). My sister may be clueless that her behaviors HAVE changed things...but that's okay...she is a very self-absorbed, NEEDY and difficult individual. It has ALWAYS been very difficult having a stable relationship with her...we are very very different. I get on her nerves and she gets on mine. That's it.
What is important moving forward is how I respond to our relationship in the future. As an aside, I DID tell my sister prior to traveling that "I'd like to have the conversation with her at some point in time about how we can change our dynamics...our combative & abusive relationship...make it more mutually fulfilling and acceptable in the future, etc." I got lots of "uh-huhs" but nothing beyond that. My sister clearly either has 1) no interest, or 2) no ability to respond to my request for a different relationship. As others suggested, I EVEN GAVE HER EXAMPLES OF WHAT I'D LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO LOOK LIKE, ETC. Nothing. And that's alright.
A high school friend with whom I've intermittently contacted graciously helped me a lot and showed LOTS of compassion. Another high school friend with whom I've been "close" to for over 40 years got easily angered by something I did. It goes on and on.
I think one thing breast cancer is teaching me is that "people really do not change, per se but they exhibit more of who they are, particularly when under stress." I am not a mean or vindictive person but I am definitely taking note of those who are showing compassion & kindness towards me versus those who are not. I can forgive people but I will never forget.
I have always been the strong one, the invincible one, the "go to" one...and I am done with that. Whether I have 1 year, or 5 years or 20 years left in my life, I want to be a good person and do the right thing. With that said, I am through focusing on and exerting myself with people who DO NOT ADD TO MY LIFE! I am not a Saint, a martyr or a sado-masochist. Also, I am NOT perfect and I DO make lots of mistakes. I, too have always felt guilty "cutting ties" with people who do nothing but add heartache & grief to my life. But frankly, why not?
LtotheK said it so well above when she wrote, "...The reality is, we can't give to all equally, and so I try to humble myself that someday it's possible I, too won't be there in the way someone else would like me to be." SO WELL STATED!!
One of my old bosses...a very wonderful and wise woman...once told me a few things that I never forgot but often fail to live. One thing she said was "we as people are defined as much (if not more) by our enemies, than we are by our friends." Another statement she always made that stuck with me is "only extremely narcissistic people think everyone they meet is gonna need them, want them, help them and/or like them...it's unrealistic to expect so."
Thanks again for all the great support and advice! You women are the BEST and I'd be lost without your support and friendship!
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Toni, so glad you went. It's got to feel good just to see all those family members and reconnect even if it was a sad occasion. As to your sister you did all that you could so just continue and go on. Without the burden of expectations to drag you down. And for the mask, LOL. My husband does that all the time and he has no excuse. LOL. Hugs. You did it. Although your tongue may need a bit of healing....... LOL
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so glad you were able to ...hopefully you didnt bring any germies back with you.
My half sister sounds like your sister. My dad remarried and had the girls twelve years and younger than I. The oldest is spoiled and thinks of herself as everyones boss. SHe didnt call me even once while i was dealing with my cancer and surgery or rads. This past Februaury she decided to be the boss of my dads 70th birthday celebration. I ended up in tears for days as she outright told me she doesnt see me as her sister at all, more like a friend...because i was married and raising my kids when she was growing up. Ive always treated her like a sister and treat her young daughters as my neices and spoil them and her with gifts during the holidays. Yet she considers her SIL to be her BFF /sister...they are like twins. I was so distraught i didnt go to my dads bday event. Then this past Fall she started trying to act sisterly by inviting me to go with all three sisters and stepmom for a sister night out xmas shopping event. I never before this got invited even though they had done this for years. She started acting all silly like we were bffs. I decided no to go because i would be stuck with her for 48 hrs with no way home if things went wrong. My middle sister also felt pressured to go and didnt want to do so. She and I are pretty close and a lot alike. Youngest sister and I get along but arent really close. I decided to d the right thing and invite all three into my "inner circle" and support group on facebook to help me through this surgery process..tthough i only intend to really on the middle sister. I dont intend to hold my breath and expect Shawna to be involved or care, but wanted to walk the higher road so i am including her in the loop of information.
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(((moonflwr)))...thank you for your kind, sweet words and your support! It means a lot to me, it really does! I've just been lurking and reading a lot, especially on my "home" forum "November 2013 Chemotherapy,"-lolololol. So much going on...it's hard to keep it all straight in my head!
bluewillows...my heart goes out to you when I read your posts. It's got to be very hard for you to feel so unsupported by those you wish/hope would support you. I am by no means a relationship expert-lololol-and I struggle mightily. But as I've come to accept a couple of things that are perhaps PERTINENT only to me...may or may not be to others, like 1) cancer doesn't "change" people per se, it just brings out more of who people already are, 2) expect nothing, get nothing, decrease disappointment, 3) focus energies on and feel Blessed for those around me who DO really seem to care...in my case, strangers...as I've focused my energies in these ways, my sadness, frustration and angst have lessened somewhat over the past several days and weeks.
If I clear my pre-chemotherapy physical this Monday, I'll receive T&C #4 on Tuesday and Neulasta on Wednesday, which will put me out of commission pretty much 'til next Friday or the weekend Frankly, I am finding that I physically and mentally DO NOT HAVE THE ENRGEY for toxic or difficult people. I literally have very low energy. The chemo has had a cumulative effect on me, so with each cycle, I'm feeling more fatigued & tired. Cannot waste time or energy anymore.
Hang in there everyone. I'm here even if I do not post over the next several days or week. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Here's to small SEs! And yes it is cumulative in its effects. But you will get through it.
And Blue, that sounds like you made a good decision.
Much love to all.
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Tonilee: thanks for the good advice...im kind of second guessing allowing that sister to be in my group...she hasnt even acknowledged that i made the group and invited her into it. Sheesh !....anyway prayers to you ....you are dealing with things much worse than me and seem like a very strong woman...good luck to you:)
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Wow. I'm stunned by all your stories. Not that I thought I was the only one who was feeling this, but just the extent of what some of you have gone through with family members, that really hurts.I've been having a hard time with my best friend. He has basically disappeared except for a few texts here and there and a couple get togethers. However, I was told this weekend by another friend, that HE WAS purposely avoiding me because he didn't know how to be around me.... or something to that effect.
Anyways, I am having a hard time deciding if I want to continue with the effort in trying to maintain our friendship. He works in the medical field and sometimes I feel he thinks he knows everything - about every diagnosis, and just thinks the worst always. *he has no experience in the breast cancer area* I remember when another friend of ours - his really really good friend from grade school got diagnosed with stage IV cancer, he just basically dropped her for awhile too. It's like he just couldn't be around it-- Now she is fine and recovered and doing really well.
I too am just shocked that some people just don't know how to simply ask-- "how are you doing"
I don't need anything at this point, I'm in radiation, but don't need meals cooked or driven anywhere. I just need friends and company, and support. Its very lonely just doing this radiation every day, then coming home.
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Austin treat yourself after a tx now and them. Take yourself out for something to eat or a cup of coffee or even a movie. The fatigue of rads will build up but it's early days yet. Do something nice for yourself.
Much love.
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If they are trying to make amends, I would consider their olive branch, but not without a deep discussion about their whys and what it did to you.
Throw the rest of them off the bus. My gene pool ran for the hills. No loss. I had my dog and my cats.
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bluepalace, so sorry. But cats and dogs are amazing love. If only they could bring you dinner instead of expecting you to get theirs! LOL
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How do you forgive family and friends who support the ones who disappeared? I've come to terms with the fact that I will never again have anything to do with my "sister" and her family and to be honest I'm content and at peace with it. I am however having a very difficult time trying to figure out how to stay friends with or continue to communicate with people we both know - family and friends - who support her and her "crazy". My "sister" or mother's other daughter as I call her - and her family were horrible to me when I was diagnosed and I've never asked anyone to choose sides but since I called out my mother's other daughter and her family on Facebook - because I felt so let down and crazed by everyone continuing to treat her like she did nothing and no one made her and her family take accounatablity - it was so frustrating. I told both sides - everything I did and they did - explained mine was out of pain caused by them and may not have been the right thing. Well because of my public "outing" of her they have all chosen her side. Now she's taken to shaving her head for children's cancer - now she claims she did it for the kids and not attention - BUT she's managed to be in the paper and on the news for it - though she says she did it for the kids, people who do things for others don't look to get attention for it or publize it everyhwere and to everyone,( my neighbor did it and did it quietly and beautifully - she is a true inspiration). How can someone claim to be doing something for strangers when they treat their own blood so badly? She has been telling everyone that she has tried multiple times to apologize to me and that I refuse to accept because they are not up to my standards but not once has she apologized - I did once receive an empty email from her but that's it. My husband met with her husband to discuss it but his apologize where all "I'm sorry but she made me do it" or "I'm sorry she had a problem with what I said" They have no idea how to take ownership.Now as I said I could care less about them and honestly won't even show up at their funerals but there are people we share who I'd like to continue to be around - but I can't knowing they are supporting her and her crazy. My therapist said she has a personallity disorder called "the rescuer" she thrives on people with illnesses or medical issues - she always has and everyone in my family up until I was diagnosed used to joke about it - now they support her and urge her on. My other sister who has moved to her "side" supported me during my cancer and even she was worried how "crazy" my sister would be when she found out about my diagnosis! Should I just chalk all the others up to casualities or make an effort with them? I just can't understand how you could be my friend and not stand up for what is right and tell someone to own their actions?
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find some other friends and free yourself of this horrible negative energy around her, you will feel better. There is no meeting ground with people who take no responsibility.....
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What I have decided is that the people that have treated me less than adequate during difficult time is that I will keep them as a distant - yet not totally shut them out. I will ONLY call them when I NEED something or they have something too my benefit. Hate to be that way- but hey..... they were not loyal to me....
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