How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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My friend has had a somewhat different agenda with me. She'll text me one liners 'thinking of you', and such which is nice, but she also likes to drop the other shoe. For instance, her 14 y/o boy who has autism is in need of a sitter this Friday and she asked me about it. I said I didn't know because I have appts on wed and thurs and have no idea how I'd be feeling, plus I just finished wbr at the beginning of the month, on steroids, etc.
She texted me yesterday about it again and said she has no where else to take him....(hmmmm, father's,mil's, son's, etc...would all be good choices.) DH saw the text and replied no to her, saying Im recovering. Anyway, long story short, she actually confronted me that i didn't say no to her the last time we talked. I did stand up for myself and correct her as to what I said. That was a tough day as I find stress so hard to deal with,, sucks the energy out of me. Thanks for listening.
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itfr, Hugs. Vent away. It's hard sometimes to get across to people we are at the end of our ropes.
Much love and what the heck, another HUG
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Problem is that people do not/can not understand that the treatment makes one feel exhausted and at a low ebb. If you had spots on your face/plasters or crutches it would be evident that something was wrong.
By keeping going we give out the idea that we are actually well but (possibly) making a big deal out of what cannot be that bad, or we wouldn't be working or active in any way!
It is actually very difficult or friends etc. to know how to pitch it. I know myself with friends who have had cancer in the past - am I overdoing the calls? Am I intruding in suggesting I shop or do other things? Just how are they feeling? Are they making a big fuss to get attention? I know I might have been a better friend if they had told me more and not said "I'm OK"
However, if there is something that you feel you cannot do you really must insist that you are not up to it. Hard to avoid stress but sometimes being a bit forceful ends up less stressful. All the very best to you.
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I am not sure what people really comprehend about cancer. It is now rising 6 years since I was diagnosed. A friend with whom I had spent an enormous time over the years was simply not able to see much of me because of work commitments. As we were both heavily into our individual careers, I understood. She managed to find the time to help me fill out a 70 page questionnaire to apply for state benefits; I just couldn't manage it. Too ill, to angry to have to do all of that after paying maximum tax all my working life, PTSD symptoms to the fore. My friend helped me, but she was irritable and resented the time spent.
Horribly, my friend was diagnosed with bladder cancer two years ago. I felt bereft and horrified for her, not knowing particularly how her cancer would be treated and dreading the possible loss of her in my life. Not a great feeling for her either of course.
So far, my friend survives. A while back she said to me that she owed me an apology as she simply had not understood how frightening everything is until she herself was diagnosed.
Really, the only thing I felt was that at least I knew I hadn't imagined the irritable thing. It was decent of her to fess up. I still love her dearly.
But I think what I have found (of course, it is just my reaction) over the last few years is - that despite what the Pink campaign would have us believe, lots of people are repulsed by cancer, have no sense whatever of the terror and then PTSD thing, and actually, not many friends really want to jump into this shark tank with us. My expectations of people has taken a massive shift.
As with other people on this thread, I have found that it has not been my close associates that have held out the hand.
Friendship used to be of primary importance to me (this was important to many of us children of the late 60s/early 70s).
It just isn't any more, allowing for a few notable exceptions.
Perhaps the times we live in have created shallowness.
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Virginia - I see you are from London too! A Brit maybe? Perhaps it is different for us Brits? I think we are much less 'touchy-feely' than other peoples and maybe keep ourselves to ourselves more so are less good at meeting others needs in times of trouble.
I don't think people are shallower it is just that we are now in the "me" generation. Everything is about me - not us, not others and everything bad is due to others it seems. An awful lot of blaming whereas in the past we might have taken it as just how life goes. I feel many are very lacking in any insight of themselves which makes it difficult for others. There is a balance between personal responsibility and leaning on others. Cancer is a particularly difficult place to be in. Until you have experienced it yourself it is hard to imagine the dark thoughts it engenders. I am not sure I want everyone to know the ins and outs of this horrid disease - there are lots of others just as bad but maybe have less PTSD as they just go on and on.
This website shows how much support there is from fellow sufferers and I think that's the best way - we do understand and want to giver others the courage to get through the treatment. I must admit to having found blow by blow accounts of illnesses and operations very tedious in the past so try not to inflict my details - but then I was brought up to just get on with life - not necessarily the best thing.
Spunds as if you are doing well. I wish all my fellow bc sufferers all the best with peace and joy in their lives.
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I have no friends left, not really. People that I thought were friends have not been available. I am the type that doesn't reach out easily for help, but I'm trying to get out there and do that with new people. Perhaps the caliber of people in my life were just other good. Either way it hurts. ((Hugs)))
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Hugs to all. Just that.
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People seem to react so differently to the news. I have been so blessed by an incredibly supportive family who have come across country to help out & look after me. Most of my close friends have struck the perfect balance of being there while not intruding when I need alone time or am just too exhausted to even hold a conversation.
I've had people I've thought were just acquaintances become close friends in the last few months because of how positively they've reacted, and close friends I've chosen to make no further effort with as somehow they seem to make it all about them. Always making a noise about being helpful & then ditching me at short notice.
Most disappointing has been my daughter's father & his family. We didn't have a good relationship when I was diagnosed, but I can't get my head around how little reaching out they're doing to my daughter. The initial response I got was "Oh, that's a shame, how bad is it?". It's cancer. I don't care if its Stage 1 or Stage 4 - its cancer! I haven't bothered to respond with my diagnosis. My daughter is 5, watching her mother go through exhausting chemo & losing her hair & her father has seen even less of her since my diagnosis - a sum total of 3 times in 3 months when he lives 25 minutes drive away. Not once has he asked how she's coping & how can he help her. I really try to not let it upset me but it does break my heart. I can cut them out of my life with ease, but can't expect my daughter to do that.
All things considered & finding the silver lining on every cloud - my diagnosis has proved to me that most of the people in my life are gifts from God & I am truely blessed.
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Hi all and here was me thinking I was the only person having to try and deal with the fact that I have a daughter who has not once asked how I am. She broke up with her husband and came to live with DH and I along with her 3 y/o son two years ago. Stayed with us for 9 months and was about to move into one of our rental properties rent free when a silly remark made by me sent her and our grandson packing. I immediately apologised for what I said as it was in the heat of the moment and I had been under a lot of stress at work not to mention coming home every day and she hadn't bothered to prepare dinner or even put the kettle on for a coffee. More often than not she asked me to look after her son while she went shopping or out with friends etc. Anyway, she wouldn't even let us give our only grandson his Christmas presents and ignored all my texts and emails. I had to tell her about my bc as I felt I had a responsibilty as her mother. I received a really horrible email from her basically telling me to deal with it and to seek counselling. NOW 9 months after my bc dx she has sent me an email asking me to complete a genetic testing form and for me to release my medical records. What to do? The mother in me says to do it even though I specifically asked if my cancer could be gene related and answer was no and I have emailed her of this fact. She didn't even ask me in the email how I was, I am ashamed that I have raised a daughter who seems to have no compassion in her soul and what values is she teaching that little boy? I want her to tell me to my face why she cares so little and have though about telling her that I will complete the form BUT only if she gives it to me personally but I know this is manipulative and not really me. I need her to tell me so I can try and move on. Any advice and thanks for having a place to get this all out of my head and heart
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Perhaps the cancer diagnosis wakes us up to the insensitivity and self centeredness of others that we were previously oblivious to. One thing I suggest is to allow yourself to feel the anger and hurt you have when those you thought cared now seem indifferent or disappear. Who says we have to forgive them?
Years ago, I had a falling out with my mother in law and her two grown daughters. I kept waiting and waiting to feel badly about it. I kept waiting to feel remorse. Finally, several months later, I realized I was actually right about the situation that caused the falling out and I had a right to stand by my convictions and I didn't have to humble myself or swallow my pride. That's why I didn't feel badly and didn't feel remorse. It was really a revelation to me. I moved forward in knowing I believed in myself. Over time, these relationships have all repaired themselves and we get along again.
My advice: give it time. Move forward with life and often things work out over the long run. Perhaps you are meant to forge new relationships while the old relationships are put on hold and/or get overhauled
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All of your posts have helped me so much. It is nice to know I am not alone as I am feeling a little down about it tonight. I lost my best friend of over 23 years because she disappeared during this ordeal. Other friends did as well, but her lack of response was really tough to deal with. I have never treated someone differently because of a cancer diagnosis (or any diagnosis), so it is hard for me to relate. I will work on forgiveness but really feeling too hurt right now. I ran into a friend tonight who did not even tell me she was in town. She never emailed me back when I told her about my situationn; she also knew from other friends--never heard a peep from her. Something happened inside me tonight, and I told her exactly how I feel. I told her it was inexcusable and that I felt really hurt, like I did not matter. She was always quick to call me to do things in the past but now I feel like a leper. As far as I am concerned, she can go do you-know-what to herself. This new me is interesting. I used to care so much what people thought about me--that has all changed. And yes, I thoroughly agree that people cannot let you down if you don't have expectations of them.... but, I ask, whatever happened to good, common decency?
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WEll said Katcar.....but decency is like common sense, very much missing in the world today.........
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Hi friends! I posted out on this string as well a little while ago. It just amazes me how some of our "closest" friends behave, I would NEVER turn my back on someone - the hurt we feel over this is just so deep. My "BFF" totally abandoned me as posted before, I was two weeks out from reconstruction recovery and she saw some of my FB posts about being at home and sent me a text "what's up" so I told her I was home for 4-6 weeks, etc. All she said was OH, I thought you were having a problem having insurance cover it. THAT WAS IT. She didn't ask how I was feeling, NOTHING. So I didn't reply.....then the next day she sends me a text "going on vacation next month, got a bonus and raise and moving into a nicer apartment".
REALLY? I did not reply.
Anyway, I feel like the beautiful women out here whom I have never met are more supportive and more my friends. Love you ladies. I may not post as often as I should but I read posts and think of you all the time.
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Katcar I would be interested in knowing how your "friend" responded when you confronted her, and her reasons for not being around. A family member told me that other family members (who live nearlby) asked about me all the time, even thought they never visited, called, texted or emailed me in person. When I asked why I never heard from them then, she said, she didn't know but that they really cared about me. Very confusing. I kind of want to ask them directly, but don't want the stress.
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I have this topic as my favourite topic. I'm sorry for all the hurt.
Hugs to someone who misses a loved one.
Hugs to someone who feels alone.
Hugs to someone who needs more hope.0 -
You got it, Dogsneverlie! The wonderful women on here "get it". Thank goodness we have this venue for sharing and helping each other. What is sad is that your friend has no idea (yet) that a raise, vacation and an apartment are meaningless in life. What really matters are relationships and love. She is not doing much to build that foundation in her life. I hope she never gets a cancer diagnosis--it will be a rude awakening. I am surrounding myself with survivors in my town--all lovely, creative, empathetic women living life. I met a complete stranger the other day--a 25 year survivor--and she gave me the biggest, most heartfelt hug. What an amazing woman. To the "friends" who throw out vapid platitudes and give me the cold shoulder--I thank them for showing me who they are so I don't waste any more of my precious life credits on them. I don't have time for fair weather friends!
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Debic, Normally, I am not a confrontational person at all. In fact, I am usually the peacemaker and the one who is always worried about offending someone so I am too nice. I think it was the unexpected shock of seeing her that enabled me to be so outspoken. Now, that is someone who I want to be more often--to protect myself, not to hurt others.
I first said how I felt--that it was a shock to see her because she had not told me she was in town. Then the excuses started--I was flying all over the place (she's a flight attendant), bla, bla, bla. So then I said, you do know I had a mastectomy, right? She said, yes, she'd heard from mutual friends about a month ago. I asked her why I hadn't heard from her, and she said that her email hadn't been working for 2 months and she never Facebooks. Really?! That is so lame. She heard it from someone (thereby proving communication was possible), but did not call or write me. I told her that my feelings were really hurt. She did not seem to get it at all--just had this blank look on her face. She then asked me if I HAD to get a mastectomy or was it my choice. I said, yes, I had to--it was CANCER. I didn't bother with the intricacies of my decision. I just walked off.
Really, when I look back, all she ever did was talk about herself non-stop without giving anyone else any air time. Me, me, me. She did me a favor. I don't need friends like that.
I hope this helps! I am sure every situation is different. The BEST friend of 23 years, I emailed her that I felt hurt that I hadn't heard from her, and then I got two dramatic texts from her that she was flying down to Mexico to see me as she was worried. Of course, this was empty B.S.. I told her I was coming up to CA so could see her there. Never heard another word. I blocked her on email and Facebook.
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Katcar - what a great idea, getting involved in a local group of like minded women. The women I met during radiation were such beautiful souls, some were almost 20 years older than me (I am 50) and still there was a peaceful connection.
I will never confront my "BFF" about any of this, she is very much like your friend, always ME, ME, ME. She lives in another state far away, it wasn't even as if I would ask her for favors like a lift somewhere, just a card or phone call to ask how I was feeling would have meant the world to me. There is no excuse, in my mind she decided to throw away our friendship so I am closing the door. The excuses you got from your friend are so unforgiving - it would have just been so much better if she manned up and said I really let you down and I am so sorry.
xoxo
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So proud of you ladies for speaking up for yourselves.
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new_direction, I am going to borrow your words as "Words for the Day." Hugs heal!
Dogsneverlie, I am not going to confront my BFF either. Same deal--we live too far apart now. But I did beg, for which I am embarrassed, because she did not come through. I won't do that again. I figure my silence says it all.
Hugs to all you fantastic women going through the pain of loss (we have it on so many levels, don't we?!).
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You too, MrsM--You took a big step standing up to your MIL and her daughters, and that took a lot of bravery and sense of what is right and good for yourself. And it worked out! I am glad that the relationships repaired themselves.
There are a couple of other relationships that went down in flames after my diagnosis. And those two were big drama deals, but we are talking about alcoholics here. It is not even worth re-telling the stories, although I can tell you they were worthy of a tele-novela. I don't want to give any more energy to them. But I will tell you that I was glad to see them go from my life--I was an enabler, and I am not doing that anymore! Just say no to toxic people. We have enough to deal with. I am putting my energy into positive healing and positive, nurturing people.
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kat, that is exactly my approach to toxic people and situations, also, which is not to give my energy to them. Very well said
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it just hit me that the health care system leaves breast cancer patients alone as well.
hurrying slowly, looking busy. Im not hurt by family anymore but slow progress in modern treatment of cancer.
Im not pessimistic but I think most bc patients have invisible dissiminated disease. Conventional treatment fuels the cancer stem cells but looks effective by clearing up the pool of fast dividing cells. And then we are left in a waiting position, told we are considered cured when in fact there is no sound proof of this or any chance unless we research ourselves and find a way to deal with the real problem.
sorry for changing the subject but realising this left me with the same feeling.0 -
Kay, one of my long time best friends seem to be the EXACT clone of yours. I now realize she is not intentionally mean, but is very self involved and has no empathy for anyone else. She is a "fun time go to movies" friend, not a "I'm green with nausea from chemo" friend. All along she has trivialized how I feel e.g., by telling me to "go see a therapist" when I was very depressed and started venting on her one day. Then when I told her how upset I was that she wouldn't even listen to me vent, as I have done for her over the years, she had no understanding that she did anything wrong.
She also kept saying she couldn't understand why her aunt's friends were so cold to her after the Aunt died of cancer. Finally I was honest and said maybe it's because they think you were not there for your aunt during her illness. She took offence at this, and said that couldn't possibly be the reason and is now mad at me.
I guess it's no use confronting people like that, because it's like expecting an elephant to fly and getting upset when it doesn't. But they still amaze me with their behavior.
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I read your comments. It seems that most other than cancer have to face and the abandonment of the family. It happens to me a lot and it does not comfort me. I do not know exactly how to handle this issue but I think a lot and I think we will find a solution.
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I stumbled across these posts several months back as I have had similar issues and feelings. I really became hurt shortly after my diagnosis (feb 2, 2015) and I informed my family on our private family FB page. Nothing, no response. No phone calls. My mother however was slammed with phone calls from all of my cousins 2nd cousins etc.. wanting information on me. I set my feelings aside and soon forgot them as I was going thru the blur of diagnosis, scans, doctors appointments and course of treatments. My mother arrived about a month later to help me with chemo and that was the first assault on my senses. Her cell phone never stopped ringing from family members asking HER how I was. I began to get upset and told her to tell them if they want to know how I am I have a flipping phone call it. Nothing!... While mom was in town we took one of my husbands aunts who lives here out to lunch. I think mom felt since she and her sister had been thru breast cancer that one of them may check in on me. NOPE! My mother stayed for about a month and had to return to her home. It was just my husband and myself against cancer at that point. Mom called daily and I did have one cousin that stayed in chat with me daily but I was hurt.
The second assault to my senses came when I questioned mom and my cousin as to why my godmother (another cousin) had not called me.. I was told she was mad at me for something she misunderstood that I posted on FB and I should call her to apologize. Sheesh!!!! Then I got mad. I so did not need adults behaving like children. At that point I withdrew stopped wondering and stayed in the safe zone of my husband and doctors.
In april (1 1/2 months into chemo) I found out my husbands Uncle passed away. They live barely 10-15 mins from me. I did what I have always done except with the chemo side effects, I made two huge trays of lasagna, salads, bread and desert. Called his Aunt and told her we would be driving dinner over. Tossed a wig on my head, powdered my face, choked down nausea from the day before chemo treatment and brought her family dinner with extras so she would not need to cook. I was met at the door with a simple "thank you" tossed into a chair all the while trying to comfort her and her loss. The only reason I bring up the above was because my husband reminded me of it a few weeks ago when he told his mother I did this and how pissed off he was that those two aunts and his other aunts and cousins that live here never once called to check on me or offer any sort of help. But that I went out of my way while in chemo to offer comfort to them. Of that I really had not thought to much on since it was his side of the family I was stewing and brewing on the lack of support from my side of the family. But he hit a pretty good point.
Cancer is lonely!!! People disappear, for whatever reason be it their own. They just don't always seem to be there. I get it.. I am who I am and would help anyone and go out of my way to make things easier on family and friends. If others choose to not do the same I can't fault them on it. It's just who they are. That won't take the hurt away that I feel. But I do know that I may not be as gracious or inclined to help them in the future. Cancer has changed me in many ways. Many great points were brought up in the posts I have read such as don't expect and you wont be disappointed. I expected my family to rally around me. I never expected his relatives to. I was hurt by my family and actually never thought twice about his until he brought it up. Now I'm hurt by his family.
My new fear is we have a family function (his side of family) in a few months. I honestly don't wish to go to it and may decide not to as his mother confronted the aunt that is hosting the event. I can easily see someone asking me how I'm feeling and me exploding... "if you really care to know you could have called" but that's not me. I am more likely to stuff it in....
Thank you for letting me ramble and vent.
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Hi Ladies!
Findng all of your posts has certainly been helpful to me. I too have been suffering with a lack of support from family. This was all unexpected and new to me. I thought cancer was a big deal and those who loved you would be there for you. Au contraire.
My treatment plan consists of lumpectomy, radiation and hormone medication., I am currently facing surgery #4 in a few weeks to address margin issues. Surgery #1 was for a complication from my biopsy, #2 was my lumpectomy and #3 was my first reexcision. This is frustrating and uncomfortable but doable.
Since day 1, I've attend tests, doctor's visits, second opinions, surgeries and follow ups alone. My mom has severe OCD with a fear of germs/hospitals and my sister is a self centered stay-at-home wife who does bit parts in community theater. I didn't expect much from either of them since historically, they're more troublesome than supportive. Unfortunately, I had relocated to their city temporarily to help my mother who had health issues (now resolved) and was getting ready to return to my home state when I got this diagnosis here. If I hadnt found the most wonderful doctor here, I'd be out of here in a flash. Now I'm committed to staying here for treatment and I need to find ways to ignore the unsupportive family circus.
With two severely personality disordered individuals, its all about them--my mom's phobias (about germs, radiation exposure, etc) and my sister begging off helping becuase she might have an audition (Merly Streep she's not lol).
They appeared at the hospital after I was out of recovery for my lumpectomy and stayed a short time with my mom looking terrified and my sister playing with her phone. For my reexcision, my sister dropped me off at the curb of the hospital and went to get her hair done. I won't be informing them of my upcoming reexcision, instead I'll take a car and hope for the best. I've spent too many days upset about their behavior. I also plan on driving myself to radiation treatments but wonder if that's a good plan. It's about a 35 minute highway trip to the facility one way.
I've created a coccon at home where I read, pray, chat online and rest but it doesnt eliminate my hurt and anger some days. I need my strength for the next go round in a couple weeks. Any ideas and/or empathy is greatly appreciated.
With gratitude for this wonderful site..
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i drove myself to radiotherapy, 75 minute journey each way, for 5 weeks, so its doable, good luck
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Marcella,
I am so sorry for your lack of support! I am wondering if there might be a support group near you? Or maybe other type of support services your onc could recommend? I know american cancer society has volunteers to help with driving to medical appts so maybe they could also help.
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Hmmm....I think currently this issue is the biggest stink in my life. I feel a little guilty both for feeling the resentment that I think I'm feeling and reading that others have been overlooked in more heartbreaking ways then I probably have.
I'll be adding all those feeling sad, lonely, ignored, angry to my personal prayer list (hope that's ok with everyone).
I feel I somewhat created this situation myself. Geez, I'm almost embarrassed to type it. When I first started dealing with BC issues and was at coffee with friends very, very worried if the news would be cancer another "friend" cut me off and went on about how she was going to be tested as her mom has BC. No concern for me just switched it to all about her. I was a little dumbfounded and probably sat there with my mouth hanging open for a minute before I said I needed to leave and made a hasty exit. I made a decision then and there to only tell a few people who would genuinely care. So, that means very few know what I did leading up to my BMX.
I debated sharing the surgery with my mom. She's 90 and I didn't want to complicate things for her or make her feel she needed to do anything. Well, I decided I needed to tell in case she called while I was in the hospital. I asked her to please keep it private as I felt is was very personal and my family all lives a ways away. I'd be hopefully healed and back to normal before seeing many of them. She told all of them. Argh. Ok, please, I asked, tell them not to share it with others. My inlaws know, 2 close friends, my hairdresser (LOL), and a woman I used to work with. My old co-worker instantly said she'd bring dinner over (so nice, I'd been cooking for and freezing for days to prepare my family). She called me a few days after surgery. I thought, so sweet, but she was calling about whether my DS was going to some church event or not. Oh, I thought she was checking on me. She did say nice things but not why she really called. She never brought a dinner over.
My mother-in-law babysat me the 2nd day home from the hospital. Very nice of her, but after she left she hasn't called me or anything since. My DH said she called him a few times to see how I'm doing. My mom calls infrequently. I thought I'd try to go up and visit her (she doesn't drive). I explained we could just stay at her place, maybe play some games because I wouldn't be able to help her if we went out. She started listing all the things she had going on and left a message earlier today about things she has to do so I can't go see her.
One friend did bring over a nice little care package, but I asked her this past weekend if she'd like to go to a movie with me because I just needed a little joy in my life and she ended up telling me she was too busy.
Until today I heard nothing from all my family that my mom told. I just got a card from my oldest brother. Nothing personal, just a pre-printed, "Get well soon".
My house is falling apart now and what I wouldn't do to have some help. My family is busy doing this or that and making up for what I normally do during the day isn't happening. What I wouldn't do for someone to baby me just a little. I told my m-in-law I wanted to stay close to home for Easter so she was going to have it (they live close), but then come to find out out a cousin-in-law is having it instead. Hours away. While I don't want to miss socializing I don't want to make a big trip and oh, it would be nice if they would come to me.
Wow, woe is me. This is making me teary eyed. pixiemuse and MarcellaPa, I feel your pain!
I think I need to do something, but I don't know what it is. I've expressed this to my DH who is supportive but it's not like he has a magic wand.
Done venting for now...
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