How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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pearly, turn to people who do understand, who do get it.......like us. Its a reflection onthem NOT us
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hi marcella.
Thank you so much for your message, had me in tears, in a good way, you took the words right out of my mouth, i will be keeping distance from them all, they make me anxious and judge constantly, its a continuous circle that i just have to break, i cant take no more from them, they never admit they are wrong, never say sorry, i just wish i could understand why, will prob never know !
I hope your as well as you can be ! I have had 3 surgeries, not sure i could take a 4th, well done you !!
Thank you so much xx
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thank you for your reply, appreciated !! Will try x
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thank you so much for replying xx
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thank you, i feel the same as you. Big hugs. Xx
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love your reply, thanks xx
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I read all your posts and found myself crying for your pain.
I'm always the oddball. For me the pain of family friendships ended a long time ago. My family always treated me, what I consider, badly. I divorced them long ago with a cry of "You don't have to like someone just because you're related by blood."
My sister, two years younger than me, broke my heart. We hadn't spoken for 20 years - that didn't break my heart. She died of cancer, but had given her husband a phone number to call me at after she was gone, to let me know she passed. Broke my heart. Not that she died, but that she had my number, 20 years later, and didn't use it before she died. But I get it.
We had a lot of family deaths & funerals in a two year period, her death was 20 years later. I figure if you don't visit/send flowers when someone's alive you shouldn't bother when they're dead. If I could - I'd hate all the people who are going to show up after my death, like my brother, but who aren't here during my life.
CALL YOUR SISTER. Give her a last chance to bring you flowers while you're alive. Or bring your damn sister some flowers, you know she's in hell right now. You can still be mad at her and hate her.
I would have happily lived and died without bringing my family back into it all (like my sister did) but for BRCA 1 positive test results. I can't bear to see them or the hurt in their eyes. Thank God for the internet. I made videos and a FaceBook page and emailed them the links so they can share the BRCA info with their children.
3 cousins are keeping in contact. 2 cousins have life threatening issues of their own going on. 2 cousins are just gossipy old women who I blocked from my social media. My brother - he doesn't handle death well and I'm sure no one's told my ancient dad.
I'm sorry you all are having the friend and family divorces now when you expect them to be close, but you will get through this without them. I'm having the pain of them being back in my life, after peacefully living without them for 20 years.
cb
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I know this ain't Christmas but I think this applies.
We're like plants aren't we? Started together, uprooted, growing apart, thriving in our new environments. Happy Christmas to the family I was raised in, who I will very happily NOT be seeing this Christmas. And Happy Christmas to the family I created, that I will very happily be spending the holidays with until they create families of thier own.
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It makes me so sad that so many people.have been hurt and rejected by people who are supposed to support them. I'm experiencing this with two friends (we're kind of a circle, or used to be) who have just kept me at arms length, and taken it even further by suddenly airing grievances I was completely unaware of and holding every little thing I'm unable to do against me. I am completely taken aback and have no idea how to respond. My attempts at honest dialogue have been belittled and demeaned. I honestly feel like these are two people I've never met. I have so many people supporting me but less than a week from surgery am feeling focused and drained by these two people I really counted on who have left me heart broken.
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I've experienced a lot of the emotions expressed here, but I'm getting past the sadness and resentment because those feelings are just plain bad for me, mentally and physically. My siblings were conspicuously absent through it all, but generally speaking, we always have been a rather selfish bunch, so it didn't come as a big surprise.
What did come as a pleasant surprise was the warm and constant support i received from my husband and friends. I don't think about what I'll do or say when my siblings will come calling. I use every speck of energy I can spare to bring joy and show my love to those who showed me real love, and it makes me pretty darn happy.
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Hi Pipandor:
I'm sorry you are feeling drained so close to your surgery. I can relate.
I'm scheduled for surgery this Wednesday June 1st (re-excision #3). This will be my 5th surgery since Fall 2015. First was a hematoma from my stereotactic biopsy second was lumpectomy and then two re-excisions. I'm hoping this will provide clear margins so I can go forward in my treatment plan and avoid a mastectomy. I know how important it is to stay focused and positive.
Unfortunately, I have had a severe lack of support. I've spoken of the issues here before so I won't rehash. I hoped to be almost finished with radiation by now and it hasn't happened that way. Instead of reassurance and kindness, I get family troublemaking phone calls. Today it was my mother who called to ask if my sister had invited me for a cookout. She told me my sister said she was planning on it. I never got a call. To be honest, I didn't want to socialize with my sister and her family since no one has been there at the hospital for surgeries or sent a card or flowers or a casserole. I'm sorry...she came once to the hospital with my mother (who also only came once) after my mother argued with her for weeks. Why would I want to break bread with these people???
instead of letting it go, my mother went on and on about how I never wanted to be with family anyway (not true) and referred back to some incident when I was a teenager. So to recap, I wasn't invited and I was blamed for it. I was in tears by the time she was through with me. She then announced I was probably going to give HER a stroke. My surgery is the day after next. I will go alone--I already ordered transportation.
Sorry to leave it all here tonight but I know women here get it and for that I am thankful.
Please send prayers for clear margins...and best of luck with your surgery.
We'll get past all of this. We will.
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Correction: I meant to address the letter as Dear Lindzanne...sorry.
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This will probably be of no immediate help to anyone needing support and assistance right now, but one thing I do when family and friends continually let me down is to sever ties as much as possible. I'm still polite but distant if I have to see them, but in my mind I have convinced myself of the following:
IT MUST SUCK TO BE THEM.
For whatever reason, excuse, BS,... if they are the kind of person who cannot or will not be there for a family member/friend when that family member/friend has been there for them... they have WAY bigger issues than not coming to my aid.
And - turns out that most of the time they are miserable people inside, anyway. I just don't need that.
They will have to live with the choices they make, and bad choices weigh you down. (Karma's a b*tch.)
I am happy with my choices, and I choose to be happy without those people.
Big honkin' hugs to anyone going through the chitstorm of family/friend dynamics right now!!! xoxo
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MarcellaP - you DO know that this is 100% THEIR stuff don´t you? Nothing to do with you....................its so not the same as flesh and bood support but know that we are here and come and tell us anything anytime....xxxx
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Lily and Blessings:
Thank you so much for posting when I needed it the most.
I know rationally it's 100% their stuff but boy can somebody else's stuff take you apart-- especially when you're going through treatment for breast cancer or any illness, for that matter.
I escaped this family for 20 years, accomplished a lot and I'm determined to get through treatment and escape successfully again. I'm just embarrassed I got sucked into the vortex again during a time of need.
I wish you both the very best in healthand appreciate knowing you and the community are here as I prepare for my surgery tomorrow .
xoxoxo
Marcella
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Marcella - sending up big prayers for a successful procedure tomorrow (clear margins, and whatever else you need) and a rapid recovery. Also sending some of those sappy, big comfort hugs. Please come back and tell us how you are doing. xoxoxo
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I made it through one week of the most dreaded family reunions. My husband's older sisters were OK but now they want to visit us. I don't think I have enough anti anxiety medicine for it.
It was pretty stressful, I have been in bed for 2 days to recover.
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Hi Blessings 2011:
Thank you for the hugs and the prayers. Surgery went well and now I'm waiting for path report. I'll see my BS next friday and will post the outcome. I'm trying to be positive and accept that it isn't in my hands and that God knows best which direction this needs to go in.
It's hard but I feel less alone posting here.
xoxoxox
MarcellaPa
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Glad we are helping, take good care of you xx
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Lily & Blessings and Everyone:
Path report came back and I have clear margins!!! I am beyond happy and so relieved that after 4 tries (one lumpectomy and 3 re-excisions) I am now able to move forward in my treatment plan.
Thank you all for your encouragement and support!
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Meow
I hope you're feeling less stressed since your reunion. My family takes me apart in ways that land me in bed also.
I hope you are thinking carefully about a visit from the same people that landed you in bed for two days.
You come FIRST.
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Marcella, good news!
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Yay, Marcella!!!
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Glad they finally got clean margins Marcella! To get through the rest, focus on yourself and only those who are batting for you. Xo
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great news Marcella......
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So sorry Sara...many here,, including myself, have experienced the pain you describe.
I thought this article was of interest...
http://blogs.reuters.com/cancer-in-context/2014/01/22/cancer-wrecks-your-body-even-some-friendships/0 -
Thanks Meow, Pipandor, Blessings and Lily!!
I'm just taking a break from BC this weekend before I schedule the rads part of treatment.
I hope you all know how much your support here means!
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Am I allowed to vent here? Oh yeah !
Why today? Because I am starting Chemo on Monday and I have been ignored by most people I know through this "journey"
I have a bit ugly sick white elephant sitting in the middle of my living room, and the people I have chosen to tell about my state of being (too man, I know) are acting like discussing the weather, and ONLY that, is a great idea.
Mostly I am here now because I think I have just lost one of my closest friends. I had let my feelings be known to him one more time that when I ask for SOME attention, and I don't do that a lot, I cannot stand being ignored. Like this week I said I'm scared, I need some support, something, I was direct about it, not expecting him to guess. But he was too busy watching movie, or just ignoring my texts. And I thought we were close, but like other less-close friends, he NEVER initiates contact me with. In a five hour weekly conversation last week (he can't seem to talk with me unless on our appointment day) we discussed his allergies for a bit time, but those FIVE hours, there was nothing about my situation, not even with Chemo starting. He did the same with surgeries... HOw many times can I ask a friend to please ask about ME. God I feel like an idiot. But I'm scared, need support and don't know anyone with BC.
I am going to write more later, need to talk now, because I cannot sleep all weekend and I am angry and wound up.
Thanks universe for listening !
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Oh Eleanora, you are so allowed to vent here! I certainly do.
I'm sorry you aren't getting the attention or the support you need from friends. I understand how much that hurts because I too have been frustrated as hell. I was diagnosed in October 2015 and told my best friend from childhood and my closest cousin. My bf from childhood hasn't called back to date and my cousin sent one email complaining how busy SHE has been. See? it can be rotten out there.
But at the same time I've seen incredible kindness from hospital staff and my doctors, Yes, I know its their job but I still see it as a miracle when caring compassion and competence combine to help us heal this disease.
As far as friends that do not listen or ask out of their own self absorption---perhaps its time to seek friendships that are more balanced. I'm determined to find new friends and in the meantime, I'm going to attend a BC support group. Can't hurt, might help.
Sending positive thoughts for the start of your chemo.
Marcella
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Timbutu I recently went trough the same with one of my son's and I have 5 of them. This is the one doesn't let a day go by without calling me. Well I don't keep my health issues from any of them. My first time telling him he tells me all they going to do is cut it off that might help u with.your back pain did not expect that it hurt but I did not dwell on. Now he knows what I'm going through 2 surgeries rads and meds for the rest of my life he is overly protective. I think his emotions just reacted fast and if he would have thought before he said that he wouldn't have I forgive him. We have to forgive not for them but for our self to not stress about it. Be strong.
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