How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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My coworkers and some of my friends have come through significantly, as have most of my family. One formerly very good friend of many years, who has relied on my quite a lot during their relationship woes, has been almost completely absent, with an occasional "sorry, the break-up is so time-consuming." But they contact me wanting to talk about their new relationship, and for support, with only a "How are you? Hope you're well!" That's not sufficient for the depth of relationship we had. Before the BC, this person did not come through when my spouse was ill, and has been non-reciprocal and non-responsive for several years (except when wanting support), and I've held up my end. Well, enough already. I saw an email in my in-box a few days ago and just deleted it. I've never been one to delete emails, toss letters unopened, or ignore calls, but we are past a tipping point here. I'm sure the email is about the new relationship either being great or failing. I'm sure it's not about me other than another "Sorry! How are you?" Forgive? No, I don't see that as a goal. Let it go? Yes, but for my own sake, not in order to be available to resume this relationship.
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So, here's my dilemma... my sister (with whom I have always had a complicated relationship) was notoriously absent during my bout with breast cancer nearly five years ago. The few times that I did talk with her, she rambled on- and on about how difficult her life was and how I couldn't possibly understand how hard life could be. Seriously?!? So, after treatment, I decided that - after years of subjecting myself to her self-absorption and vindictiveness - I just needed to quietly back away from our relationship. Didn't want to deal with the stress of it any longer. There wasn't a big blow-up or anything, I just quit trying to keep the lines of communication open. We've met a few times at family gatherings since then, but otherwise I don't try to keep in touch with her and she never calls me. (Mind you, she never would call me because it was long-distance and she wouldn't pay the fee; I always had to call her 'cause, I guess, it was quite alright for me to pay the fee. But I digress.)
Yesterday, my mother drops a bombshell on me. My sister called her out-of-the-blue (she calls my mother about as often as she calls me... which is nearly never) and said that she was in the middle of chemotherapy for breast cancer. Apparently, she was diagnosed last November and never told anyone. Even her sons - who are both in their twenties now - have no idea she's in treatment. So, while I'm reeling with this information, my mother tells me that she feels that I should be the "better person" and reach out to my sister in "her time of need". As you can imagine, my feelings about this are very mixed.
While I would like to be the "better person", I can't forget how hurt and betrayed I felt when my sister ignored me throughout my bout of breast cancer and treatment. If anyone knows what she is going through right now, it's me. I feel that I should pick up the phone and reach out to her, but I'm afraid of being slapped down, yet again. I know that this shouldn't be about me, but... I've gone down this road so many times with her, only to be horrifically hurt in the end. I don't know if I have it in me to do it again, despite what I know she's going through.0 -
I'm starting to think that the majority of people are utterly inadequate when it comes to providing meaningful support to those of us with BC. This is true in my own case (particularly my husband and one son not showing me much empathy) and in reading all these posts, it's truly heartbreaking. I wonder if people don't learn as children to show enough sympathy and empathy for others who are worse off than them. This is mainly why I haven't told anyone except close family members this time. Last time, I told all my friends and had the obviously common experience of it being all about them or just dropping off the radar etc. It certainly changes our lives in surprising ways, in terms of the effect on all our relationships.
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Lily55 and Singlemom1---thank you for your suggestions and support--so valuable!
JessieJake==bless you for your openness--now I don't feel so alone in what I am experiencing. I just wish you weren't experiencing similar letdowns. It hurts--pure and simple. I'm always happy to read about some lucky soul who had wonderful friends and famly around them but we don't always hear the more typical scenarios where friends disappear and family members are frightened by the illness itself OR the implied obligation. It's difficult to find out what people are made of during a time when you need to be building strength. Instead, you end up feeling depleted from the hurt and anger. I was never one to curse but I hear myself use words under my breath I never uttered before--maybe that's a good thing...lol No more Ms. Nice Gal...haha
Before I wrote my post last night I had been pretty good, repressing anger, pretending everything was ok and then I was flipping channels and caught the end of an NCIS episode where actor Robert Wagner was in a hospital room saying to his daughter, "I would never leave you alone here". I just felt flooded with emotion and sat here and cried for 15 minutes. I guess I was feeling less ok than I thought. I know now I need to express my feelings in some way to someone-- in a journal or in a support group or here. Perhaps an individual therapist would be helpful.
Does this site have a chatroom area where maybe those experiencing negative support could gather and validate each other's feelings--not a pity party but a non-judgemental place to renew one's fighting spirit. If anyone has any suggestions, please share.
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Salena I don't know what I would do in your situation. I too have a sister that I did not include in my venting session above mostly because I wrote her off years ago. She never once called me either. My godmother I mentioned that never called and was told I needed to call and apologize for her misunderstanding something I did call and was the bigger person. Not heard boo from her since. My mother always says she doesn't know whats wrong with my sister but "something will happen or the day will come" and she will need you. Yep she may but to me it's to late. But thinking on it yes I probably would go or call begrudgingly but I would. And I would hope she would recall when I was in need and she was no where to be heard from. Cancer changes people maybe she will wake up.
Since I posted a week or so ago I decided to put myself out there and contact some of the ladies I met while I was in chemo. We had common ground. They all shared similar experiences with me about family and friends dropping off the face of the earth. What I do know is that once you are done with chemo and surgery needing help and support does not end. Everything seems to change at least for me it has. But maybe just maybe I feel if I help someone in the same position as I was and am in then maybe they will pass it on as well. I can only assume that these disappearing acts friends and family do is because they feel someone else will pick up the slack or they can't handle it. Or they are just plain insensitive.
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Selena, I would definitely call her. You don't have to become best friends. You don't have to be sucked into the drama of her life. You can still guard your heart. You don't have to have lengthy conversations and heart to heart talks. You can be concerned, show concern and let your sister know you care about her but you don't have to let that hurt you. Short, check-in phone calls, a card in the mail here and there or a text once a week to say you're thinking of her are all good solutions for keeping your boundaries and protecting your feelings but letting her know you have her in your thoughts.
I have three older sisters and three sisters in law, so I've been down some of these roads, too. You can reach out on a limited basis and feel good about it, let go of the guilt and continue on with your life.0 -
Marcella I don't think there is a live one one here but on http://www.cancercare.org/support_groups with cancer social workers that will talk with you. Also Facebook you can chat live in some of the cancer support groups there. Im in one on FB for triple negative cancer.
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optimist I'm sending a big hug to you and to all the ladies posting. I was feeling alone in here. Last week when I posted no had posted since march 2015.
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Selena--
I'm sorry to see that you experience similar family dynamics. I have lived the destructive triangle for all of my life and I know what it can do.
First of all, congratulations on your success in managing a civil, self protective stance where you aren't abused by what appears to be severely narcisistic family members. This has worked for you and I see no reason to dissassemble a working strategy. Your mother has no right to guilt you in contacting your sister. Did she pressure your sister to assist you when you were in need of support? It doesnt matter really---its not your mom's place to run interference--that's just troublesome and probably is at the root of your troubled sbling relationship.
I had also removed myself for many years and sadly was sucked in again when I came to help my mom with a health issue. My sister lives nearby and well, here we go again...sigh. I was diagnosed while I was here and will stay to continue care with a wonderful doctor. After I complete treatment, I will remove myself from this family situation. I tell you this to stress that I know what you are experiencing firthand.
Protect yourself from what you describe as horrific hurt and stay away.
I wish you the very best.
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Marcella, Pixie gives good advice, and I would also keep a journal, too. Write three pages every day, no matter what you're feeling, write it down. No one has to see it. I journal often and it really helps
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To Optimist52 and all who posted today:
I'm sorry you've experienced the negative support many have with BC. I think its more common then I realized and not just with BC but with other illnesses, disabilities and losses. Sad, for sure.
I remember when my cousin was diagnosed with lymphoma she lamented, "Now, I'm one of THEM". As if people will illness became characters in some zombie movie and the healthy humans survived by fleeing from them at all costs. There might be something to that. Fear and survival issues predominate.
In any event, I hope reading others experiences has provided some validation for you, as it has for me today.
I'm hurt but I vow to come out of this not bitter but determined to help others in some way AND to eliminate those relationships that aren't capable of mutual support.
Be Well...
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Selena - I really don't have any input in such a difficult situation. My sister and I have always been so close. She was there for more during breast cancer. In 3.5 years myself, my mom, and then my sister were all diagnosed with BC.
This is the wisdom my sister gave me. She said she had less than a 5% understanding of what I was going through, even though she was by my side, went to chemo, cleaned my house, etc. She apologized so often for not doing more.
I am certain your sister is learning these valuable lessons. However, it seems it was her place to tell you that she was diagnosed.
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Devine Excellent idea on the journal.
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SelenaWolf, that is something else. If u do decide to reach out I'll be very impressed. It would take a lot of soul searching to prepare me for that. Wonder if her secrecy is due to her own guilt?
After reading all the posts it leaves me wondering how we can feel so alone yet be so together in this.
It is asking so much to keep turning the other cheek and smile while doing it.
MarcellaPA, u have a good outlook, I'm going to keep that in mind!
Thx everyonefor all the sharing. I got lots of info from your posts
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I came to this thread feeling down because of how alone I feel in this journey and now realize I am not alone.
My family and friends have all shown a variety of responses, but I have struggled most with my Mother's absence. I have come to realize she is a "doer" and not someone who can "be" with me. When she's around, she has to have something to do to feel useful, and cannot sit down and talk with me. I feel like I have to get up and do with her, and sometimes I just cannot.
It seems old hurts are magnified during this journey with terminal cancer. I am trying to put each relationship on good terms and forgive and forget, so I don't feel regrets as I progress. Sometimes I feel like people only visit me because they know I don't have much time left and they may miss their opportunity. Whatever reason they have for visiting me, I appreciate it.
Perhaps hardest to forgive are the people who take people, relationships and life for granted. My former SIL is my age, mid-forties, and has one granddaughter. When I heard her berating her daughter & young granddaughter, I wanted to cry and lash out. Because I probably will never see my son graduate college, marry or have grandchildren for me. I despise people who don't appreciate what they have. I have always been a person to speak my mind, but a terminal diagnosis doesn't give me a license to lash out emotionally at people.
Thank you everyone who shares their story and gives permission to work through this in their own time.
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It is hard to believe that five years ago, I posted on the first few pages of this thread..... And it is still live after all of this time.
An update.
After I got through the main part of treatment, I was able to step back and to be honest, I did not like what I saw. My family had basically ignored my spouse, kids and I for years - except for my parents, there was very little interaction from them. We do live far away, however we are not in the 1860's where it takes a month for a letter to get sent. It was always me reaching out including travel, calls, emails, social media and the like. They never reciprocated, before and during that year. In that first year after treatment, broke, we decided that going forward we would focus on the people who had been part of our lives during the bad year.
Over the last few years, the interactions with my family were brief and overwhelmingly negative. I am being "punished" - for speaking out? For stating that I was treated like shit and this is not what family should do? As a result, there really is no relationship anymore, and I would like to thank Captain Awkward for helping me to understand that it takes two to have a relationship. I also figured out that my mother has some serious boundary issues as well. The result is that there is very little communication and I am not even sure if I could reach some of them other than my mother if needed.
So, this is where I stand. I will text my mother when it seems to be socially needed, mainly her birthday or other holidays. If my brothers contact me for a holiday, then I will respond using the same format. So, if I get a text for my birthday, I will text them on their birthday. If I do not hear from them I do not respond. I had to go back last year for something and we left as soon as possible, after my mother had a melt-down about my "behavior" (no clue....). I will not go back unless there is a reason why such as a wedding invitation. Of my three kids, the one that is still a minor cannot go there by himself, he can and has communicated one way with them, they do not respond. My mother wants him to visit, alone, which will not happen. My older two children are of age, so they can do what they want. My oldest does talk to them, but it is a very negative relationship - according to them, this child does everything wrong, is bad, and evil. History is repeating itself there. Second child avoids them. I issue invitations to upcoming events with no expectations of them attending or acknowledging. And, if I am told someone is coming, I do not plan for them unless I see them come through the door.
As far as how I feel about this? There is a bit of sadness - a sense that I wish I had a family that was loving and supportive. It still sometimes physically hurts to see other loving families in action. But, I now have a strength - a sense of myself that should be treated better than this. And if they are not willing to see who I am, who I have become and who I will be, then that is their decision. I am moving forward with my life and I refuse to be stuck waiting for them to treat me like a human being.
I hope that all of you will be in a different mental place soon. I am fine with where I am now. I focus on people who love me and mine.
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Great post pebee
I know exactly what you mean. I think once you begin to notice that it's a one way communication, you can never not notice it again.
I have operated minimum contact with my family for a long time now and mostly it works well.
I lived abroad for 12 years which were wonderful as I almost never saw them - except occasionally when home. Now I'm home again and I feel the tentacles reaching out - as they want lots of contact with me and my husband as I feel we 'normalise' gatherings for them - but I don't want to be used any more and don't want to witness their unbelievable eccentricities.
Why can't we divorce our families - now there's an idea!!!!!
Anyway, just wanted to say well done to you and good luck...
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Divorcing my family sounds like a really good idea, sadly.
I'm at the end of my wits and seem to be expending energy being upset at family antics instead of being strong for treatment.
As I mentioned in prior posts, I came to this state to help my mom who was having health issues that have now improved. My sister and her family reside nearby. Both my mother and sister are severely personality disordered and create a circus on a good day--not to mention when a real problem actually presents itsef. Unfortunatley, before I could escape this situation and return to my home state, I was diagnosed and began treatment here. I am currently awaiting surgery #4 to clear hopefully the remaining margin. After my BS gives me the all clear I will start radiation treatments and then hormone treatment.
I love my BS and want hm to continue to manage my treatment but the circus my family creates from week to week is so difficult and no doubt unhealthy. My sister's neglect/non-support and unwillingless to help unless coerced by my mother is the least of it. My mom has always used me to vent every imaginary and real drama she experiences from day to day. This week alone, she hung up on me twice, after I wouldnt engage in whatever drama she was inciting. She took a break initially when I was having the first surgeries but lately, she has returned to type and I see it getting worse as things go forward. I would really prefer to stay put and finish treatment vs. having to find another team back home, pack and relocate all while recovering from the next reexcision. Any thoughts/advice/etc. are appreciated and thanks again to the women here that provide such validation. So valuable.
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But isn't having your mother hang up what you would like? (Since presumably you don't want to participate in the drama.)
Do you have a phone with a speaker function? This is going to sound a bit flip, but here's a suggestion which may or may not "work." When your mother calls and it seems she's begining in on the sort of session that you find troubling, put her on speaker and fold socks or do dishes, or balance your checkbook at the same time.
Then be a little neglectful on the phone. "Ohh." etc. instead of real responses. Be a little slow in even making those responses. If she starts to object that you aren't paying attention (because hopefully you aren't), tell her that you'll need to call her back. And do so, but have in mind how long you're willing to have the returned call go on...and if it starts to go longer--or again moves into the sort of call you don't want to participate in (and, for a while, it will!) put it back on speaker and do the same thing again.
You'll be giving your mother the calls/attention she needs, but she'll (hopefully) get trained that you won't participate in the dramatic calls that go on and on anymore.
HTH,
LisaAlissa
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Thank you LissaAlissa, for your helpful strategies....not flip at all. And sometimes I do use "speaker" and it works...for a while.
If it were simply attention that she required, that would be a piece of cake. What I've learned over time is that when she is upset or stressed, she needs to find someone to antagonize/provoke. That person (usually me) ends up getting upset and then her mood or upset or emotion gets left at my door and she gets to walk away from it and blame me for upsetting HER. It's crazymaking behavior as I said, and its hard to manage consistently. Sometimes she is nice and has been someone to talk to about my bc and then she "flips" to an abusive stance. If it were all abuse, it would be easier to handle. I should screen the calls beforehand so I can gauge her mood and then avoid the bad ones.
I think maybe I had hope that becuase I have this illness, family and friends will be there for me in ways they might not have been before--wishful thinking maybe. Maybe it's a fantasy that when bad things happen, people grow closer and past problems disappear.
Thanks again...
Marcella
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Hi Marcella,
Though I am pretty sure you are aware of this, I just wanted to remind you that once your surgery is complete your BS is not going to be your main provider. You will work with a radiation oncologist next and then a medical oncologist who will be your main provider. I know your main reason for staying right now is your BS but most likely you will only see her about once or twice a year once you get clear margins. I do t know if this will have an impact on you going back home sooner.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand, very similar experiences.
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Thanks for your info, SingleMom1. I'm aware that I won't see my BS until a year after the final surgery and I already have the name here of the radiation oncologist he wants me to see next. I think because my BS was my primary source of support, I hate to leave, even though he won't be my primary provider. I have some time before surgery (2 weeks) and then 5 weeks of healing so in the meantime I will try to put in place some better boundaries to protect myself. I actually do OK here when I don't see or talk to my family members...lol Sad...right?
I wish you the very best in your treatment and thank you again for your support...
Marcella
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I am in a similar situation and don't know how to move on? I was diagnosed on 11/25/2015 with stage 1 idc at 39. For the most part I have been unbelievably lucky with support from family, neighbors, and my church. Unfortunately, my 3 closest girlfriends, whom I have been friends with for years seemed to disappear and I have felt so alone and shocked. I would never have done this to any of them and still can't understand it? Anyone else experience this kind of lost along with a devastating diagnosis. I am currently going through chemotherapy and must make them uncomfortable?
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JCollins, yes I have experienced this as well. My very best friend hasn't called me in months. We used to talk first thing every Saturday morning and Email a lot back and forth as we work for the same entity. We used to go on a walk at least once on the weekend and go shopping together. She very occasionally has to EMail me for work so while we are "talking" she makes these empty promises that we will do this or that together. But somehow she never calls. The other night she and her DH invited us out somewhere that they had tickets to. I could not help but get the feeling that the original invited people canceled so she was throwing me a bone. When we were at the event she acted very aloof and disinterested. She hung out with her new friends from work mostly. It was very strange and disappointing. I know I have to just move on but it is so hurtful and hard to understand for me. I would never ever do that to a friend and it is hard for me to grasp how other people can.
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Gosh... I've been here for almost five years and never posted here!
Just a few thoughts:
A serious illness can make or break a relationship - based on our expectations of what is "supposed" to happen.
Some people will never be able to get "outside themselves" and empathize with what's going on in our lives.
Even though we all have toxic family members, no one forces us to reward their bad behavior.
It's sad that in times of need, our family - our flesh and blood! - cannot be here for us. But we've heard countless stories about how friends and near-strangers filled in and came to help.
When I was dx'd I knew my brother would never, EVER, come to see me, offer to help, etc. When our mom was in a nursing home for ten years, he visited her only twice a year, even though he only lived a few miles away. His reasoning? He couldn't stand to see her that way, and after every visit he would sit in his car and cry. My asking "What part of this is about you?" fell on deaf ears. That's just the way he is. Yet in his hour of need, I was by his side nearly 24/7. But him being there for me? Ha.
I had a friend from junior high school, who - when I emailed her to say I was dx'd with BC and was having a mastectomy - said "Oh, no.... I'll drive down this weekend and we can have lunch and talk." That was the last I heard from her for the next two years. And when she did get in touch, no mention was made of my situation. AWK-ward!
I read some posts from 2013 that said something like "I realized she had been taking from me for 25 years and it took cancer to recognize it." Wow... that hit home. She's called and left messages twice; I haven't returned them. Why on earth would I want to spend time with someone who uses me as an emotional punching bag for all her frustrations? Now I'm free of that. Any explanations would be useless at this point.
As for family saying and doing rude or unacceptable things, well, we just don't have to put up with it, unless they have a gun at our heads. I know that deep down, we all wish for a loving, understanding, supportive family to be there for us without us having to spell it out, and with the least amount of drama possible.
But all to often, that's a fairy tale. Be happy with the people who love you and are good to you. Forget blood relations if they are toxic.
Saying "NO" to people is very easy for me. I am trusting and nurturing to those who deserve it. Those who would create havoc and ill will and think that I will participate in their psychodrama are sadly mistaken, and are told so. That ability makes life in general much easier for me.
I do have to say, though, that after my dx and BMX, I did call all my friends from the beginning of time who had gone through BC, and I apologized for not being a better friend. I had to go through it myself to REALLY understand it, and I know I could have done better for them.
Love and hugs to all!!!
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I am even more hurt that 2 out of 3 of these so called best friends are my children's godmothers. I feel like I put 100% into trying to make these friendships work, but the only thing I did wrong was get breast cancer? At least I know now exactly the kind of friend I do not want to be, because I would never treat anyone like that. The good ting is while my best friends were running away, old friends wanted to reconnect and ran towards me. On top of it I have meant quite a few other women fighting the same battle, who I will always have a life long bond. I guess I just have to get over it!
IDC-stage 1
Chemotherapy/ bilateral mastectomy/ recon
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i have the same problems with family and friends, my sister has not spoken to me for 3 months and its not the first time shes done this, i have no idea why because she was my only support through my accute treatment, im divorced and live alone, i go to all my appts alone and feel very alone and hurt and angry, my parents have not got a clue about anything or any of it, infact they disowned me for wanting to stay at my home during chemo, its a family trait that they just do not communicate, i cant deal with this anymore, how do i stop this circle of hurt ? Feel they are so cruel and its messing with my life, so anxious about the whole family thing. Anyone got any tips ?
Thank you
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your family are just like mine, they made me feel responsible for getting cancer, for mucking up their lives, i have no support from any of them, i feel they treat me so badly, i dont know weather to just call it a day with all of them ? Im single and live alone, have begged for help with the answer, im busy or someone else needs me etc my mother has come out with some corkers, and its all about her and how she feels, my sis had been there a bit in the past but now nothing, cant take much more, help what do i do ?
Thank you.
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Dear Pearlyclio, Welcome to the community although we are sorry that your situation with your family has brought you here. We hope that you will find support from others with shared experiences and find tips to deal with the upset and grief. Stay connected here. The Mods
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Hi Pearlyclio:
I dont have a magic wand for you, if I did I would wave it and make my family members act like decent human beings.
Like you, I've experienced disappointment in how my family has reacted to my illness. I spent too much time being angry but I guess I had to in order to come to some conclusions and make some decisions. Sometimes with family you get like a "deer caught in headlights" with all the chaos and hurt.
I'm here to tell you that its time to give up on them and put faith in YOU. Not you alone but your ability to seek support from non-family members. Call your doctors office and ask for a referral to a social worker. Usually a breast cancer center will emply a nurse navigator who can steer you to support groups, social workers and other services (i.e,.transportation, etc.).
Many of us here are single and have been let down by family. I just had my 4th surgery last Wednesday (one hematoma surgery, one lumpectomy, two reexcisions) and went to it alone in a cab. No, I wish someone had been there but when its all said and done, all that was needed was my doctor and surgical team and me.
My #1 tip for you is to decrease your expectations of family, limit your contact with them and seek outside support.
Know that women here are right by your side in spirit.
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