How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....

tb90

Kayce234:  I totally get what you are asking.  My sister seemed to forget to call me back for four months following my surgery to find out how I was doing or to find out what my actual dx was.  I was devastated, but fortunately, had wonderful support from many others.  I put on my professional hat and emailed her and told her exactly how I felt.  She appeared to feel awful, but had no explanation whatsoever.  I attempted to give her an explanation for her behavior, based on my professional experience (I am a counselor), but she adamantly denied any problems in her life.  I know that she has social skills issues and her son has aspergers.  She seems to mean well but her behavior is disconnected from her soul.  Now she simply wants to move on.  I do not know how to accept her back into my life because the risk remains that she will not be there over and over, especially as long as she is unable to accept any responsibility for her behavior.  My other siblings just want things to go on as well.  I do understand that, but still do not want to be around her.  She hurt me terribly and our relationship will never be the same.  I think it would be easier for me to accept her behavior if she or others would discuss her issues honestly and lovingly, but provide me with the justification I crave from them.  My dear SIL gets it totally and has communicated this with me.  As much as family and people want to be doing the right (or perhaps easiest) thing, they really do need to understand how their dismissiveness is NOT helpful.  I do not want her to be tarred and feathered, nor do I want others to dislike her, but there is a fine line between "staying neutral" and appearing to be unsupportive.   

Would love advise from others as well.  I will not cut her out of my life and am struggling to process all of this so that I can want to be around her again.

Lily55

i am feeling very disappointed and let down at so called friends who did not even ask how i was after my recent surgery......nor invite me out or anything, now i know i am really on my own ......i distanced myself from some people when first diagnosed and have now lost those friends, theremust be something about me i just dont even like or feel interested in many people at all....

wintersocks

Lily,

Please try not to take this to heart. I have also had these experiences that you describe.  It is not peculiar to you, honest. I think that either people do not understand or they are  so fearful and want to run away or deny our reality. We are what they most fear. I cannot imagine acting in such a way myself. In fact I know I didn't as I know people who have been diagnosed. I at least acknowledged it (the cancer dx).

It is so true, that we do find out who are friends are. If we are lucky, we hold on to 1 or 2. I have been at the hospital today and 2 of my closest friends do not know how I got on. They have not contacted me.  My Mother and sister I dispensed with upon dx. Their behaviours so selfish and truly shocking.

Lily, I have always found you to be such a lovely person. offering sound advice and comfort. You are a real plucky woman and you stand up for yourself, even if it goes against popular opinion. I really respect that.  I hope one day we two might meet. I am sure we will be 'real' friends. 

moonflwr912

lily. Hugs. It's not you. Just so you know. There would not be a thread like this otherwise. 

I've found  I just let people make their space with me. If they care they will keep in contact. If they dont, I'm not chasing them. I don't have the energy. So the person who bought me a couple of dinners from the grocery store after my last sx gets a big place. The person who doesn't call - not so much. The grocery store meals don't sound like much, but she works, and she remembered I liked to pick one up sometimes when I worked. She doesn't cook much but I don't need a homemade gourmet meal, I just need to eat and she saw to that. It really doesn't take much. A call that says I'm going to the store you need something?  Is as precious as a hug. Not a lot they have to do just be thoughtful. 

Otherwise I just talk to them if they call. I don't call them first. Once they call I will call them but I no longer expect them to call. So if they actually do call or visit it makes a nice surprise. 

Not as easy to do as it sounds but it works for me. BTW. Only 2 of my 4 kids called after last sx. LOL.  No I'm not calling them! 

Beatmon

TB90: if you looked back, your sis has probably repeated this type of behavior her entire life but maybe not to this extreme. Obviously, her life is all about her and she has been excused her behavior by friends and family for one excuse or another....or as you stated........it is just easier.,

I don't think you need to continue on the path with it, no apology will be sincere, there can be no justification for her behavior.....everybody has a cell phone. Soon this girl will be a "victim" in the family. 

Hope your heart begins to heal from this slam. Try to forgive and move on. Still be the person that you are for yourself and other people...we all know people like your sis,but usually they aren't our Sister.

kyrani99

I have relatives that are cruel and senseless. I don't think it is a case of forgiving anything. I don't hold any hard feelings. I just recognized that they are toxic and not worth even remembering. I cut them off and walked away and I have never looked back. My life has been a million percent better since I left them behind. I think if one has a good family then they have a treasure but a bad family is not worth knowing. It is useless to give them chance after chance and they use it every time to hurt. I am extremely happy without them in my life. At first there is a feeling that one is losing their foundation but I soon realize that my strength comes from within. I found that I had my own foundation. It makes a huge difference when you can call on your strength from within and not have to rely on others. 

kyrani

Mardibra

I had a very good friend who completely bailed on me the minute i was diagnosed.  After pressure from her family, she tried to reach out....way too late in my opinion.  We have been chilly to each other ever since.  Check out what she had on her Facebook page yesterday.  The irony is not lost on me.

Unknown

For me - I have to let it go.  I KNOW - in my past - I have said and done crazy, hurtful things - mostly out of either ignorance, fear, or discomfort.  I did the only thing I knew to do at the time - and it hurt people, I'm sure.  I believe in the idea of inherent goodness, though, so what I've done, since my dx (stage IIa IDC - known for 2 wks) is making it a priority to figure out who those people are and distance myself a bit from them.  I am sure they did not and do not mean to hurt me/desert me, etc.  What I do know is that I need all of my energy for healing physically and emotionally and I just can't help them learn and grow from this experience.  If they can't do it on their own right now, I'm distancing myself, forgiving them for being in a state of ignorance, fear, and/or discomfort, but not owning that, either, by hurting myself just so they can feel a bit better.  I'm still working out how to explain this to the people I have to distance.  I certainly don't have all the answers for myself - I probably never will.  But it sits easier with me to think of it as "they aren't there, yet, and that's ok.  They just have to understand that I can't help them get there, either, not at this juncture in my life."  I've moved through being angry with people faster by embracing this approach.  Something else to add to the personal "toolbox," I suppose :-) - ultimately, though, I do not "blame" them - I have been ignorant and hurtful in the past and I can give them the room to be that, as well, without holding it against them - I just can't have it around me, while I have to focus on this...

cfk

I had a PBMX December, 2013 because I was at high risk.  After I told family and friends what I was going to do, they told me I was stupid for going through this even though my mom (mom passed away), sister, and aunt had BC.  Seven months later I have not heard from any of them.  They didn't call me before or after my surgery.  My sister had BC two years ago, and I was there for her every single day.  My entire family was there for her throughout her whole ordeal.  I guess I expected the same from her and them.  My sisters response to me was "you don't have BC, I do". My other sisters told me you don't have BC, your sister does.  My friends asked me what my treatment plan was because they thought I had BC, and when I told them it was prophylactic, they couldn't understand why I would have my breasts removed when they were healthy.  My sisters and my friends knew that I had had many issues with my breasts in the past, and many scares.  I am very hurt that none of them have called me once to even see if I'm alive.  My DH was the only one that was and has been there for me, and I am forever grateful to him. He has tried to help me with issues I'm having with reconstruction problems, but he doesn't have breasts like women do, and he tries.  I wish I had some female friends/sisters to talk to.  I've picked up the phone a few times to call, but I hang up because I'm afraid I'll be rejected or told your stupid again.  I understand how all of you women feel.   I hope for each of you that the hurt you are all feeling gets better with time.  Mine hasn't.  Thanks for listening to me.

Carmela

 

moonflwr912

Carmella, HUGS! You sound as if you made an informed decision. I kinda made the choice for a prophylactic BMX after DCIS was in one breast. However for me the invasive was in that other breast. You might ask your sister if she'd would have been happier if they had found something in your breasts?  When you put it that way it sounds pretty bad. Maybe that would wake her up. Maybe not. She may feel as if you tried to steal her spotlight. But of course we all know it's not exactly fun to have BC. You did what you thought you needed to fo. I'm sorry your family is being so thoughtless. 

Much love. 

janett2014

CFK, I'm so sorry your family hasn't been there for you. It's a shame that they can't see what a difficult and brave decision you made. Even if they don't agree with the decision, they should be helping you with the physical part of surgery and recovery. Where are you in the reconstructive process? By the way, your husband sounds like a wonderful guy.

Janett

cfk

I had an implant placed at the same time as the BMX. I will be having a revision surgery somewhere down the road to fix some issues.  Thank you for your kind words.  I have found strangers to be more sympathetic and understanding than people who were in my life.  I have realized that I don't need people like that in my life any longer. Thanks again.

SallyBee12

I am supporting my SIL who has breast cancer with mets to the bone and liver.  She's now with Hospice.  I would just like to say something in defense of those of us who just "disappear".  When my SIL was first diagnosed, it scared the crap out of me.  I visited her often, but always ended up crying as I was trying to deal with her diagnosis.  She HATED me crying.  So after a while, I would be on my way to visit her, and the tears would start.  I turned my car around countless times while I was on my way to her.  She refused to acknowledge that I, her husband, her kids, or friends could be scared.  She wanted us to all be upbeat and cheerful and not talk about her diagnosis. I was there during and after her mastectomy, but when we got the info back that she was Her2 Stage 3 and that there were already lesions on the liver, she became even more adamant that we not discuss it and that I not show any emotion.  I couldn't do it.  I was at her husbands death bed with her, her fathers death bed and her grandmothers death bed too.  Held her hand through all of it and in all honesty, I needed the time to grieve her diagnosis.  I "disappeared" for 6 months.  I sent the occasional text message, but that was it.  Then, I finally felt able to cope and we have been in touch ever since.  She's Stage IV and in hospice care now.  I am there every day.  I thank that sometimes, we disappear because we care too deeply, not because we don't care at all.  I am so sorry that so many of you feel lost and abandoned, I wish it were different.  But it's a scary diagnosis and some of the people closest to you may need time to grieve, and in my case, my SIL deal with things differently and she was not allowing me my way as much as I was not able to deal with her way.

Geez, I hope this isn't too garbled and that you might understand what I'm trying to say.

Stix

Unfortunately the majority of people that disappear aren't like you. Some and almost all disappear because they are likely selfish and the want fun in their life....and don't want to deal with anything negative.  I did have that experience with people....but not hardly the extent of which all of you have. Stay positive and keep your head up..

wintersocks

sallybee,

Thanks for an interesting perspective. Clearly you cared.  In my case I went to hospital alone, came out alone and looked after myself - alone. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and a Mother.  I have cut contact with all, bar one sister who is anyway obsessed with her dog and she lives furthest away. That contact is sporadic, but she did make a little effort. 

My Mum said "  I can do without this at my age". My brother: "I am a coward and can't do this".  The other sister was the worst, I truly believe she thought cancer was catching. Her behaviour was very strange and she somehow became the 'victim'., crying etc about how I was speaking to her to my Mother. I will never forgive her. Having cut contact I find my own mental health is better for it. Sadly, I do not think my experience is unique.    

SallyBee12

I'm so sad to read some of the experiences that you have all had.  I wish it were not so.  I guess some people are innately selfish.  I'm sorry.

Stix

wintersocs,  sorry for your experience. Unfortunately people don't pick the correct words. But, for them not to offer to help you or drive you to and from the hospital is RUDE. Further, they should have at least touched base after to see if you needed anything.    I am surprised the facility let you have surgery without a drive home... how did you get home? 

Stix

moonflwr912

Winter socks. So sorry. Hugs. 

cfk

wintersocks

I'm so sorry.  I know  how you feel.  I too cut off all ties with my family and friends and  my mental health is much better.  I realized if I wasn't important enough to them, I didn't need them in my life.  They now regret what they did and didn't do but it's too late.  

wintersocks

CFK I am really pleased that you too, found that your mental health was improved.  I have not heard from my Mother/brother/sister 1, since I told them that their `care` was actually making me iller. I remain shocked at sister 1 most of all. when her first child was born, she became gravely ill - near death. I supported her from the start to finish, spoke with the doctors, helped with the baby. 17 years later following my dx she said she probably couldn`t make it  over much. On day 4 following chemo, she was meant to come to my house, I got food out and was ready to cook and she didn`t show. She later phoned me at 7 to say she was sorry but couldn`t come. I was astounded when she later texted me `look after yourself`. I could not carry on with her after that, honestly it was making me ill. 

Moonfwr, aww thank-yo for the hug, that`s so sweet.

Stix, hiya , i left the hospital 4 days or so after going in for neutropenia, I got 2 trains home. The hospital kicked me out once I was fine!

Dogsneverlie

WOW.  I wish I had found this forum when my journey began.  I had a friend who always referred to us as BFFs.....until I got breast cancer.  I get that it is scary, truly I do and I don't understand what makes a friend or family member run because that would be the LAST thing that I would do for anyone I love.  Our stories are the same....abandonded by someone you thought you could count on, even just to listen to how truly scared you are.  My husband loves me so much and I didn't want to worry him with every little detail and scarey thought I had.  We have another mutual friend who stayed in touch with me and would ask if I had heard from "BFF" and I would just say no.  Then after one text about this the next day I got a call and I know it's because the other friend probably said something like "I can't believe you haven't checked in".  So our conversation was extremely uncomfortable and it's just awful.  We rarely talk now and it is NOTHING like it used to be.  I could go on but it's bringing back up the hurt so I am letting go.

Love you all - I would have truly been lost without these forums.

moonflwr912

DNL, yes indeed these forums help so much. Hugs to you too. 

kdoole01

Hello to all!

Sadly, our stories are not unique.  But as hard as it is to do, cutting the ties is the best way to preserve one's own mental health.  These people are selfish and self-centered, always have been, and always will be.  Just because we are related doesn't mean anything unfortunately.  The relationship did not become bad with the dx of cancer...it was always lacking; it's just that we were not as focused on it prior to our dx.  Cancer is not, nor will it ever be a get out of jail free card, and to our family members we are the living manifestation of their greatest fears.

So live your lives because that is what we went thru all this damn treatment for now, isn't it!!!

LOL!!  (and that is the best medicine of all :-)

bethq

I am starting to wonder if this is happening with my best friend. I really only have her...I am kind of shy. We have been friends for over 10 years and used to work together. We usually walk together once a week and text a few times a week. She came to the hospital for the BMX and I have seen her a few times since but in the last two weeks next to nothing! I texted her to ask when her next day off was and haven't heard from her. Strange. Don't want to jump to conclusions but it seems our relationship has changed. To her credit, her last BFF died very quickly after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

Dogsneverlie

Bethq:  I'm so sorry, it really hurts when friendships change due to BC or any other crisis.  We are all here for you, I know it's not the same as having someone to physically walk with and talk with, but one thing I have learned for sure and can say with 100% confidence, EVERYONE out here is your support and we all care about one another.

tangandchris

I had friend that I've known since high school, she and I have been thru alot together but she would always drop out of my life forever and pop back in.

When she heard about my dx she called me and sent me flowers and begged me to let her "be there for me" thru all of this. I was a little unsure I could trust her, but she seemed truly concerned and that she wanted to be a support. Well, she came over once to visit before my mx in November and I have never heard from her again.

Nothing, zilch, nada.....she just dropped out again. It wasn't completely surprising, but I thought this time she might be different considering I was dealing with a stage III cancer diagnosis.

It's hurtful and while I know people have their own lives to deal with too, is it that hard to even send a text to check in?

I had another friend who was helpful in the beginning, but after a few months she started flaking out and even coming over to "help" when she had  been drinking. This was not good and I had to put some space between us.

I think I need new friends lol.

((hugs)) to everyone hurting over some of this stuff. My own DD didn't come home for a month during the beginning of my chemo. She stayed at her bf's and I was so upset. I know she was struggling in her own way with what was happening to me. I suppose it is easier for me to forgive my children.

 

bethq

That would be so hard to deal with, if my children were not supportive. Mine are all in their early 20s so I didn't expect much, but in their own way they have each been good to me. My baby (just turned 20 after my BMX) flew over 1000 miles to be with me for the surgery. My other daughter came home from college and my very reserved son was supportive too. We have gotten closer through all of this but unfortunately he is flying to Vietnam as we speak to live. So I have a lot of sadness in my heart right now.

Stix

I guess we can't predict what people will do or not do....The only person we can rely on 100 percent is ourself.....  nobody is immune to disease. It will happen to all of us at one point in our life..... so these people that treat you poorly... they are surface thinkers.... they don't have much forethought. ..who will help them...Unfortunately it is the cascade of life.... ALL of us will get sick at one point....of course unless we die of other reasons instantly. . i feel sorry for them... 

tb90

It feels so good when others get it.  My wonderful family cannot support me the way other women here do as they just want everything to be good and nice between me and my sister.  But as so many of you have so eloquently described, our feelings just do not go away.  Some hurts are simply too big.  I know it is hard on others, but humanity demands that we be there for each other.  Some simply choose the easier way out.  What would they do if their child was dx??  We do what we believe we need or have to do.  We are all strong enough, just some of us do not need to do it and are able to rationalize that.  If that has been us, then we need to change.  Period.  My tolerance for excuses is over.  I can now give myself permission to feel the way I feel for as long as I need to.  And keep on being there for others.  I also find it so refreshing to experience the warmth and support from complete strangers from out of the blue. And to focus on the wonderful surprises I have had since my dx.  Hugs to all of you!  

tangandchris

Good points TB90! I have experienced kindness from people that was completely unexpected and it touched me deeply. So, as bad as some people have hurt me the opposite has been done too.