How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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I am in the same situation. People that I thought were my friends for years just disappeared. I called this woman I went to school with to get together with my kids on last Christmas break, like we had done for years. She new I was in the midst of being poisoned with chemo, and then had rad coming up. She blew me off and told me she was too busy in these really snotty tones. Then she called me up almost 4 months later, as if nothing happened. I stood up for myself and told her that she hurt me. She didn't say sorry, not even when I asked her too. She got all sanctimonious with me and said I had to be more understanding of people.
I wish I could say my husband was supportive, but most of the time that would be lying. He is a slight bit supportive, but mostly he puts me down for being a whiner. Sometimes he say things like" Why don't you go whine to your hotline". Or often he would say in these exasperated tones "What are you crying for? You have nothing to cry for, stop living in the past." He knows the story about thewoman i mentioned above. He said it was my fault for not listening and being too negative, that I drove her and others like his sister away
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I recently discussed some of these issues with my therapist as I have chosen to detach from my only child who has treated me badly for years and particularly so since diagnosis.......and his take was interesting he said "people have to make themselves available to be loved and cared for".........so if these so called friends and family are absent of course we cannot connect to them so much but maybe also if we are isolated in ourselves via the shock of diagnosis and treatment maybe we do not make ourselves available in the way we did before either.......
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Hi Ladies, I just found this forum !
Wow - so many tissues I've filled. When I was Dx w/bc I waited to tell my family & 4 best female friends. I was upbeat & positive. I live alone with an old dog. Anyway - 3 of my best friends decided to give me space. ( one so-called friend posted on her Facebook that her best friend has BC - pathetic - she received sympathy & condolence ) They wouldn't return my phone calls - e-mails - ...... I spent too many hours in bed - ya know - waiting till you can take another pain pill..... thinking - where the heck are all the friends that I have always been there for. And why was I such a sucker ! And now I'm mad - and this is giving me negative energy - and I'm a positive energy person !!! Wow - anger sucks ! So finally two weeks ago I e-mailed my 3 friends with the "Good News"...... oncology gave me a clean bill of health and I don't need radiation or chemo .... and I don't have the plague & I'm not contagious. Well - low & behold - all 3 responded. Now they say they care about me...... I told each of them that they have a funny way of showing their care - dumping me for 3 months ! My message to each was I hope nobody treats them like they treated me.....ignoring my calls for friendship. My verdict is not in yet - I have more important people to think about - and they are not in the group. I am stronger alone than with negative weak friends. I thought the bc would be hard - telling my 81 year old mom was hard - I just never expected my friends to hurt me so much. I told my family ( they are in Montreal & California ) not to worry - I have good friend to support me. Never assume. For my 2nd stage surgery I'm considering a home care worker. It is the darkest when you actually break down & ask for help & it's not there. It made me gun shy to let other friends know I had bc - because I was afraid they would dump me too. They haven't - thanks-b-2-gd No more spinning ! It definitely helped to vent to the 3 of them. Holding it in just ate at me.0 -
I was warned by two BC survivors that I would lose friends once folks found out about my DX and to prepare for it. I could not think of anyone that would abandon someone who is in need of help or facing such a demon. I was wrong! MY BFF who use to call me every single day (as I called her) fell off the map!! I haven't heard from her in a few weeks and she isn't returning my calls. This is how its been on and off since DX. I've come to accept that some people cant handle bad news or just don't know how to respond to it. Its a shame because we've been friends over 20 years. I've taken it upon myself to extend the olive branch and try and keep in touch but recently I decided I no longer want to play that game and will move on. Once I'm beyond the BC I know life will be good and full of new friends. That's what I look forward too.
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I was warned by a close friend of my sister's who worked at Mammo center and then at the hospital I was treated at to be "cautious" who you tell,, as once anyone KNOWS, they may act differently. I personally have felt very alientated by my Best Friend - my friend has her own issues - believe me! - but her rude behavior after my surgery - when she asked when I would be up for visitors - we planned a Saturday night end of June for her to come over for DINNER and I with my determination and desperate need for some company - MADE DINNER - asked her if what I was making sounded good - she said yes - she was working that saturday all day - and i cleaned the house, bathroom, etc... spent all afternoon prepping for the best friend dinner,,, i was not supposed to be lifting pans, bending and lifting but she did not offer to pick up takeout and bring anything over so I said I would cook,,, - she arrives 6:30 - I wanted to LOOK normal - so I did try to put myself together a bit more then the previous 2 weeks - she arrived - first thing she asked for was advil (she had a headache - work was busy) - said Mere you look great, - I hadn't seen her since Oct 2013 - she drinks a lot and got arrested for DUI and lost her license for 7 months and lives 1/2 away and never wanted to get together during that period when I asked - she had to get rides from her folks - anyways she got an apartment 10 mins from mine in April - not once said hey Mere come check out my new place - stop over some night and we can get takeout - come by some time and hang out and see it - Never!! her apartment is on main street above the boutiques and restaurants too, I thought prior to my DX that she was rude to not offer me nor another friend to come over for a GNO at her place,,, self centered!!! anyways so this dinner I made - i told her to make her plate with what she liked and I was making mine - she sat quick and started eating before I even got to the dining room and we were making small talk - and before I even took a bite - this is about 25 mins after she arrived - she says Mere you won't care if I leave soon now will you - she was looking at her cell - someone had texted her - "said nothing as to who it was",,, when i began telling her about what went down at the hospital before surgery - she cut me off and said Oh I know it's awful - I heard this all from Julie (Julie was a friend she met when she was trying to get sober at AA - who is also 42 and had lobular cancer and chemo and lost her hair and had lots of complications) so she dismissed me! like cut me off as to not have to listen to what was on my mind - RUDE - anyways she had her handbag on her arm by 7:10 pm and stared getting up put her dish on the counter - didn't offer to throw it out or put any of the mess away - RUDE and I was on fire angry at how I just had a 7 hr surgery and have Breast Cancer and don't know yet if I need CHEMO or not and you are being a total rude bitch,,, we barely had any real conversation - she was so preoccupied with getting the hell out of here ASAP - like she obviously had her Sat Night Party planned - was dying to get home to go drink herself into her bliss,,, I was almost in tears at how hurt I was - I was so fragile from having the surgery - PUSHED myself to now end to get this dinner put together and planned her being here for few hrs - not ditching me,,, so anyways I have a counselor from my past and decided I wanted to go back to her - told her this - she said you no way waste your time with this "so called best friend" - she is TOXIC, self absorbed, RUDE beyond belief and her behavior shows a very immature person full of herself,,, so I have been planning on keeping my distance - that really was the last straw as she has done crazy things in our friendship and I now - after having this diagnosis really see that it is super important for ME to surround myself with supportive, helpful, kind, nuturing, empathetic and good people who goout of their way to make you feel good about yourself (myself) not make you feel like a piece of (sh*T),,, i am reconnecting with some old friends and planning on making new friends now and going to a couple Breast Cancer support groups now,,, I was really shocked at how rude and when she left and I cleaned up I was both so exhausted and so upset that I did burst into tears that night - her behavior made my sense of self esteem so low - like I was not worth spending time with now that I was home bound and had cancer,,, now she is trying to nice nice me on facebook - - - it's an act - I saw her true colors,,, over her,,,
and proof that this is TRUE friends let you down after DX - not worth the energy to deal with her,,, I would never do that to any of my friends - I hope she doesn't get Breast Cancer as I won't be rushing to lend her much supprt very quickly!
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Jeez, that is awful, if you cannot get support from best friends what can you do? All my so called friends apart from two who kept their distance during treatment, have disappeared, i will soon be doing a major clean out if my fb page and de friending them there so there is a clean total break
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Lily55 sounds like a good idea to clean out FB. I think I will do that as well.Sparkle2014 so sorry to hear about your ordeal. That is just awful! Sounds like your friends true colors really showed.
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Sparkle - you go girl ! Throw out the garbage.... I did. I have come to the realization that I only have room for positive "value added" friends. Two faced, self-centered ex-friends are now history. It's so damn painful what we have to go through - I'm sending you warm gentle hugs - good people will come through for you.
Un-friend on FB is a great start - thanks Lily ! I have a bit of un-friending to do as well.
Redheeledwomen - wow - you were actually warned on the possibility of being dumped - I think cancer org should warn everyone about it - so we can send a booklet to our friends on how not to treat us.
I did the olive branch to my friend of 13 years, who showed up last Wednesday ( after a 4 month absence ) She blamed my sister for keeping her from visiting & phoning me ! OMG ! Does the BS ever end.
Stay strong ladies - My heart go out to all of you - we will show what empathy & caring is.
Jo Ann
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Kanada- Yes, that's correct. I was warned by two wonderful women (during separate conversations) that I need to prepare myself for the lose of friends. And sure enough they were correct!0 -
My onc warned me about "disappearing friends and family" during my first chemo visit six years ago - he was right - the ones that stayed are the ones I treasure - the rest I just didn't bother with anymore - they were the "stress givers" anyway.
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208Sandy - so true - "stress givers" - I found I was giving too much brain time just trying to figure out what they were thinking - when I was just wasting my energy & making my emotions raw thinking about them. I thought they would come around...... I finally gave up - slow learner that I am.... thanks Sandy
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I have a book from the hospital that says that losing your hair is the hardest thing. Nope. My mom ripped out that page and crumpled it for me. (No worries! It's a book they give all BC patients! I'm a good book borrower!) Dealing with people, dealing with the everyday, dealing with emotions, dealing with side effects. They really don't prepare you, do they?
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I feel sorry for all of us and all of you who are so hurt by family and friends. I have been one of them as well.
It's 2 years from my diagnosis now and Im finally starting to feel better. I think what happened to me was a combination of me being much more emotional during my diagnosis and treatment and some people not knowing how to deal with somebody "who could be dying", "what if I say something wrong" "I don't know what to say" - and in some cases people simply not giving as much thought to me as I had hoped for or wished.
I have had many disappointments - both from family members and friends but I have gotten closer to some of them today. I felt very abandoned by many. A friend didn't respond to my text updates before days or weeks had passed. A friend wanted to get together after my surgery but "forgot" to call until 2 weeks after. My in laws did not visit even once - and brought flowers to another cancer family member at a birthday we all attended. I invited my cousins for my birthday after my treatment was over "as a celebration of my LIFE" one didn't even answer the other "couldn't make it".
I have readjusted the way I think about some of these people. I cannot expect the same from all of them. But I have also forgiven some of them. I know I have been 100% preoccupied with myself - understandably, this is about survival - but i have also had a lot of self pity. I have spent hours thinking about the wrongs people have done to me, i couldn't let it go because it hurt so much.
I feel the more time that passes the easier it gets not seing things completely from the "hurtful" side. My inlaws actually called many times and asked my husband how I was. My friend who forgot to call back was going through very stressful times herself and i missed her so that year i chose to cut her off. I even dreamt about her at night. She wrote me - said she was so embarrassed of all this - i wish we had just hooked up sooner. My cousins have been disappointing but i don't feel devastated by it anymore. Time really does make things better.
What I noticed after I was able to let go of my resentment towards e.g. my inlaws was that they changed as well. I think they had been kind of "nervous" about how to act. I feel loved now although they did not act as I would expect somebody who cared would act.It's not all good, i have let go of a few people, but i was hoping i could give hope to others who are in the midst of these sometimes thoughtless acts...
hugs and best wishes to all.
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You know, I can't say anything at all about my family. They truly rallied behind me. When I sent the news out, I suddenly received care packages from cousins, siblings, sister-in-law. It was very sweet, and even though I live far from them, I knew they were there.
But looking back, the two friends who made total a$$holes out of themselves and me, really weren't friends. I have made myself really think about it. Before the diagnosis, I kind of wanted to back off from my friendships with them. Neither of them has any boundaries. They are negative and one is very mean. The other is paranoid.
Anyway, maybe we just need to go back to the days before the diagnosis and see if we felt they were really good friends in the first place? But I agree, I'd never treat a chemo patient like they treated me. Very, very selfish and unkind. I am with you all on the thought that if they ever get diagnosed with this disease, I'm not going to be running to their sides with lots of information and comforting words of wisdom. :-)
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I'm from Indianapolis but living in Chicago. I am a seven year survivor but still have wounds from an abandonment by the person who was my best friend (supposedly) for over twenty years. Like you said, I hardly think it was a great friendship as I had a great deal asked of me all the time and felt little was given in return. But with regard to ditching during cancer? Really? This friend had difficult relationships with her own family and a history of intense friendships that then suddenly vanished. I guess I'm one of the vanished now.
Things went south right after diagnosis. Literally when I still didn't know if it was beyond hope or if I'd be able to live, her abandonment occurred. I had two small children then aged 2 and 5. I asked her why she had avoided talking to me and had made no efforts to see me. She mentioned that she lived in the city and with me in the 'burbs it was not feasible. But....it had been prior to cancer. So, I didn't understand. Then when she did call me a few times, it was clear that we were not to discuss that I had cancer. At the time I was afraid of dying and of my children losing me. I finally wrote her to say that I required more of somebody who'd been such an integral part of my family and whom I'd known for so long.
She wrote back to tell me that she was going to "help" me by not involving herself further in my life as her presence or lack of presence just upset me. So, she excused herself from being even an element in my life during my scariest and neediest days.Prior to this, we talked daily and saw each other at least weekly.
Ironically and sadly, after worrying about my demise, my husband dropped dead suddenly four years ago. This same "friend" didn't try to contact me but to make matters worse, posted on my husband's memorial page as if she were in his life, in our lives and was simply making a lovely comment about him. So for the public eye, she appeared engaged and concerned. Still, no call, no personal expression of sympathy, support, nothing.
I've decided that a point of no return was long ago reached. I'm sure it's moot but were there now to be an attempt, I'd have to say no. I've learned since that she has been a difficult person in a few people's lives and I was one of the very few who had tried to be close to her.
I don't wish to seek revenge but likewise, I am not available for anything for her ever. My life was on the line and I truly only needed a kind word now and then. Our "friendship" up to that point had been about what I could do for her. When I was finally in dire need for anything, she fled. Truly cowardly and pathetic. I actually pity her as it reflects on her and I found love and support in others. I actually got closer to others through the process.
I think if you are ditched during your darkest days, then those people don't get to be with you when you are in the light again. I regard myself as worthy of good and kind people and people whom aren't destructive. This remains with me as a wound forever along with my other cancer scars. But those scars don't hurt and I'm stronger for them.
Ruth
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We're not sure that this will be helpful, but this is a rather common occurrence, sadly.
There are a lot of things written about this, and although it doesn't erase your scars, it might help to know just how common this is.
Here is an article from the New York Times on this issue: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/health/views/17e...
Would love to hear from others who have experienced something similar.
Welcome to our community and thanks for sharing your story.
The Mods
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Rutharn,
Wow, what a terribly painful thing for you to experience, just when you needed your friend too. How awful that she should write of your husband as she did,, as if she were still present in your life. i am so sorry you had to tolerate that. It must have been very tough at such desperate times.... I really do hope things are a little easier for you now.
i too experienced a similar thing from my mother and sister, it was truly shocking. I ended the relationship with them both shortly after dx and did so for my own sanity. I have not spoken to them to this day. I have really nothing to say after being so very badly let down. My child was 14 at the time and somehow I got through it with a couple of good friends....
Mods, that is a very interesting article and perfectly describes my sisters reactions, it was like I became contagious to her. I got a lot of 'If there is anything I can do, I will come over in about two weeks on Saturday for about 5.30', then I have to leave at 5.45' kind of reaction.
She some how made me feel ashamed of having cancer. My mother too told me 'I don't need this at my time of life'.
I am better off without them but I still remain shocked at the thought of how they treated me.
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rutrhan and wintersocks. Hugs. Not what you want to hear. How sad for them.
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Seems we all go through this when we are diagnosed. People don't react the way we feel they should, and we feel abandoned. I want to give you another perspective. A close family member (we are like sisters) was diagnosed with a serious illness recently (not cancer). She lives in another country, but I was there for her by telephone every step of the way during surgery etc. I would call her at least a couple times a week, texting every day. However, she got increasingly angry and every single conversation I had with her, was one of complaining and bitterness about her life and and bashing everybody in her life who she feels is not doing enough for her. EVERY single conversation. I tried to be sympathetic, as I knew how terribly depressing a serious illness is, and how I felt when close friends "disappeared" from my life. Now I hardly ever call her, because it's so stressful to listen to her constant ranting, and she's mad at me for not taking her side against other family members. The last time I called, she was very short with me and is obviously holding a grudge, because I told her she needs to let go of the bitterness for her own peace of mind. Obviously I wasn't saying what she wanted to hear, and she viewed me as unsympathetic. So it's very awkward to reconnect. I am now the family member who disappeared.
Now I realize that people might not INTEND to be cruel but maybe they just can't deal with the situation, say what we want them to say, do what we what them to do. For instance, I was so mad at one of my closest friends who told me to "go see a therapist" when I was really suicidally depressed. I called her out on it, for not being there for me, when I have listened to her petty angst for years .... and she was honestly surprised, thinking she was giving me good advice, when really what I wanted was to vent ON HER, not a therapist!
So I try to be more understanding and tolerant of people not being there for me the way I wanted them to. I hold no grudges, and if they appear again in my life, I understand what role they will play. I know who will be there for me no matter what, when I am a miserable crying beeyotch, at rock bottom (DH, DS, DD). I understand who might not be around much, but will be there if I ask them. And I understand who will be there for the good times only. All play a part in my life, and nowadays I just TRY to take everybody as they come. No expectations, no grudges. This is not to say I put upwith people who I really believe don't mean me any good. Those I kick to the curb.
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-I NEEDED REASONS-
I needed to know why. Why did my oldest friend call me just once in 5 months? Not even silly emails?
Why did my closest friend not even call....at all? I got 2 funny cards in the mail and texts asking when can we "do something"?
Other "friends" have said "is there anything I can do?" But they didn't do anything.
I needed reasons and these came to mind.
Oldest friend has been miserably , emotionally sick most of her life. Now at at 50 she is a newlywed ( yes first time!), works, and volunteers and is finally sincerely happy. She deserves to be happy. She has had an unfair share of misery. Seeing me ill will only subtract from her long overdue happiness. I will forgive her absence in my life at this time . Some people can not handle to see those they care about suffer. They just can't.
Closest friend has never been an action person. She has always worked hard but such things as housekeeping,personal care and social planning was never her talent. I was always the social do-er and planner. My work, my home , me and socially on the go...always. Lets plan a card party, lets go on vacation, lets BBQ this weekend etc.. Her texts proclaiming her availability whenever I am ready is the most she can do. I will forgive her for not being me.
Other friends who have said " is there anything I can do?" This is a confession to themselves that they are helpless They can't even invent a comforting gesture for a sick friend. 1800 flowers perhaps? Drive to the pharmacy ? Pickup the dry cleaning?. How about going to the library? I forgive them for being useless. Some people are. They may have other purposes in my life but being of use is not one of them. I forgive them too.
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I've been reading through these post for a few hours. Looking for answers. Looking for a way to make peace within myself for the hurt I feel from the actions and inactions of the people in my life during this. I have come to realize a few things over my time with BC. I have learned that I am going to die from this and the truth is, nothing anyone says or does will ever be enough to shelter me from that reality. I have had over 25 people drop away. Some family, some longtime friends and some work friends that I shared more time with than past boyfriends. All of them mattered to me. And I thought I mattered to them. It is a very sobering moment when you realize that what you would offer cannot or will not be offered to you.Though on a level, I can understand the issues that hold them from being here. It doesn't change that I have been told that I am going to die soon and I am alone. I get that people are busy and get lost in their own lives. I was only just beginning to rebuild my social life when second DX came up. So I don't have that "Every Day" person in my life. And I realize that even if I did, it still wouldn't be enough to take away my pain, stress, worry, fear..... But what I struggle with is when no one even tries to ease the burdens, emotional or physical, that we have. I get that it's not easy or fun to see or hear us hurting. But I can't help but to think of the line in the movie Hope Floats when Sandra B. says to her husband, " I would walk through fire before I let someone I loved feel like they're nothing" Not expecting fire walking here, just heartfelt, consistent support.
I am cautiously direct and have let a few friends know that I don't expect daily talks or texts, but that I am struggling to feel connected. I talk to my brother every other month or so(Not emotionally there), I see my cousin every other month or so, I get texts from friends averaging 1 every week or two. And everyone wants to keep things light. I am able to most of the time, but its the face I put on for their comfort. I have said honestly to a few that I need to feel safe to say what I am feeling (fears, emotions) without the well meaning "Doctors don't know everything" and "Maybe a miracle will happen" I express that though I appreciate the happy thoughts, it can feel like my feelings/reality are being dismissed.
Overall, I agree with EVERYONE that has posted on here.
*People are flawed, we have to accept them.
*People just don't know how to react to us.
*We have to forgive for ourselves
*Forgetting is debatable...
*We have to cut some people out of our lives
*Pets are easier than people
*We have to figure out our needs and terms and express them clearly
*We have to have gratitude for what we do get
*We have to keep our hearts open but watch our backs
*We have to put our health and hearts first, but we are likely to be the only ones
*Expectations are a dangerous thing
*During the tough times, you learn the most about people including ourselves
*Most importantly, We can come on here and we are not alone in this.... Thank you all
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Hugs
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tamara, a great post, and I totally get it about accepting others don't step up as you would do. I read the NYT article and recently offered specific options as to how I can help a friend with a family issue and that definitely had more impact than saying let me know if I can help. I wonder if we said to people, yes Id love help, like x,y,z or for you to say what support you can offer me.......for instance a fun night with comedy DVDs orsomething thatboth can enjoy, perhaps a walk togetherchewing the fat. I think some people may simpky nit know what or how to support us. Essentially though we are alone with the trauma of it all.....
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My heart just breaks for all of you and the posts I've recently read here, especially RuthAm and TamaraR.
I've been there. An entire family of generations of friends abandoned me. Now that it is 3 years post surgery, chemo, rads, they are trying to get back into my life. One of them told me on a recent phone call: "Gee, it's nice to talk with you. You sound like your old self." Interpretation: Not sick or needy. Maybe I can get something out of her again.
When our paths cross, I am polite and friendly, but distant. Never would I trust them again.
But that is okay. The wounds have almost healed, but the scars will always remain.
I write a busy breast cancer blog. I hear from SO MANY women who have our same stories to tell. It is so sad. When people ask me what to do for a cancer patient, I say it doesn't matter but DO SOMETHING!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you!
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Thanks Lily, love your kitty! you're right. Sometimes we need to give them options in order to avoid deer in headlights syndrome! I just ordered the book on ebay "How to be a friend to a friend that is sick" Hoping to find additional insight and ideas to keep me from slipping away from everyone. Going to a tree lighting ceremony at the zoo fri night with 2 friends.... They are two of my " We can only deal with fun happy Tamara friends". I am grateful for their time and working up my energy and smiles!
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Thank you Denise
Fair weather friends have their place in our lives..... The back of the line!! The Do Something is so right on the mark. I think we all just want to feel valued still. I, as most of us women, am very independent. It is hard to ask for or even accept help. Time is what I most value. 30 min phone call, lunch, movie or wine on my garden patio. I can't drive so, time is the most precious gift to me. I have been averaging an outing a month and a phone conversation every 2 months. How about you guys, what do you value most?
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Just for them taking the time to just check in.
Happy Thanksgiving and much love
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I value someone just asking how I'm doing....it shows that they care. Praying for you, Tam and everyone who feels alone. God Knows our needs, loves us as we are, and will never leave us ( like some friends and family)
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I am your friend Tam. How horrible. I am your friend. PM any time.. I am your friend. I am sorry that is so awful.
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my only child told me i was not his mother as his mother was strong and we are now well in to our third year of no contact whatsoever, even though he lives less than 30 minutes away and has two children. When I was diagnosed his wife said nothing to me, ever, not an I am sorry, or how are you, nothing!
Its sad but most days I don't even think about it, I have disconnected from him and actually feel ok about it, it is the way it is. Not howI imagined it would be as I was a single parent but stil
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