Moving On......After the Flap
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Sbe, your description of your faith in the face of Kristine's passing moved me to tears, and I agree with every word. I am so busy with all my visitors still here, and my birthday coming up tomorrow, but I'm thinking of FBB all the time. There are no guarrantees, and we all have to take our chances. All the best to all of you, dear sisters.
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thank you MartyJ- possibly the swelling. Can you have them on too tight? Or is it better to wear it tight? I'll try the tank under too. Thank you. Just so uncomfortable.
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Holli - better to wear it tight. If you simply can't breath, loosen a notch. Otherwise, just hang in there. This too shall pass.
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I am saddened to read of Bluebird's passing. Damn, FBC! Way too young to die:( My heart hurts for her family and friends.
Her death really slams reality back into the rear view mirror.
I have been reading but not posting, getting my energy back slowly. All my love ladies!
Michele
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RHG...I hope marty's suggestion helps. Things often get better much quicker with stage 2, than the first stage.
curly.......Good to hear from you. Yes, the thoughts can get pretty revved up, with such sad news. It is impossible for that not to happen, as we've all noted here.....we share that bond of history and "possibility".
It's all semantics, really, but over the years, I've tried to accept that the "possibility" will always be there in my life, but for each day when I wake up, it means I'm still here and still have a life to live.....and for me....that is what I chose to call "reality". It certainly doesn't make me not feel the pain of losing someone, it just helps me not to lose "me", before my time. I am hiking tomorrow and you all will be with me in my backpack, to find some of the "peace of wild things, that do not know grief"......
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Nihahi - my sentiments exactly. Enjoy your hike.
And for those who may be more fearful of what may come - know that last week I celebrated my 29th cancerversary. Not asking for recognition, but sharing so you will know it is possible!
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Curlylocks, good to see you, even in these circumstances.
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The sadness I feel about FBB is so heavy on my heart. It is so difficult to think that she is gone! The words of wisdom, courage and strength she said to all of us going through our treatments and surgeries. She gave so much of herself by pulling us up when we were down. Kristine, you have gone too soon but I know you are flying with the angels as an angel now.
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Bosum - This is absolutely the appropriate forum to vent. We are all a big club, but you and Bluebird were part of a smaller club, so this must be a very confusing time for you. I know things have been difficult , so the similarities you had with Kristine must amplify things quite a bit. Don't be shy with your feelings - everything you feel is valid.
I envy those who have the faith in a higher power and plan. I don't share all those convictions, but I do believe she is safe, and loved, and flying. Without fear, without pain. I just am struggling to accept that she was taken away so young - plucked from a loving family after a very cruel diagnosis. She seemed to have such a good place on this planet. She was kind, and generous, and respectful of nature, and people, and animals. She loved, and was loved. And she was needed. It makes no sense to me.
Today I went to see my oncologist. It was a routine visit, but when I was sitting in the waiting room I was so struck by the fragility of life. So many women wearing scarves, and a two women crying. There was an older lady with her grown son and they were both reading magazines and I saw her slip her hand into his, and I remembered the fear. I thought about Kristine and all she had to go through, and the great weight of your life not being something you own.
I noticed she was on an insomniacs thread. It breaks my heart that she was awake and night - and frightened. It's so unfair. I'm so glad she had her husband, and kids and dog, and nature, and things that she loved. I also think she had a glimmer of hope up until the end.
I really wish I had the faith to believe that this was meant to be - but I don't. I just think that the universe got it wrong, and they took the wrong person. I wish the universe had treated her more kindly.
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Bailey, you said it so beautifully. "I work really hard at making sure cancer never occurs on my spirit or on my soul."
I also felt a connection ( as we all did) with FBB because I also was diagnosed with Triple Negative. Damn, I wanted her to beat this. For her. For us. I'm crying for her and her young family. But I have to admit there are more to my tears. I live my days as Bailey does, with a very positive spirit, then something like this makes you remember the fear. She handled it so well. She really was a fierce warrior. I, too, will always remember her in that kayak, squeezing the most out of life. A great lesson to us all!
Hugs and love to you all.
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Wonderful, Marty. Congratulations! You give us hope.
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thank you for sharing Marty. I agree... It gives us all hope. Thank you.
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Reading your posts have helped so much thank you all for sharing candidly from the heart. Yes Marty thank you and congratulations. Yes I agree, nice way of saying Bailey, let no cancer on the soul or spirit. I will be sharing that!
Meadow
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I used to look at life with a glass overflowing, then I was diagnosed. My Bible study class yesterday had a lesson about a woman who thought of her cancer as a gift. I am so not in agreement with that but the people I have encountered in person and on bco are gifts. All bring blessings to my life each day and are helping me fill my glass again. Thank you.
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Janet, even though I have faith, I do not claim to have everything figured out. I will never say that God gave me or anyone cancer. It is part of the f'd up part of this world that we all inhabit. I have felt the hope and comfort that God's presence has given me through all my crap, though. I thoroughly respect where you are coming from. It's hard, no doubt.
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Teacher, thanks for your post. I read somewhere recently that it's not even about whether your glass is half full or half empty. It's all about having a glass!
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Still reeling over Kristine's death, and tonight our little doxy, Otto VonWienerSchnitzel, passed away after accidentally ingesting dark chocolate.......he was my youngest DD's therapy dog, for PTSD.........not equating this to FBB's death......just need to vent.....now I'm going to go cry, again.......
XO
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((((((Movie)))))
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Oh movie.....it must seem endless for you right now. "Hugs" just doesn't seem to be enough. I'm so sorry another reason for tears has landed on you.
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Oh, Movie, I'm so sorry! That is a lot to take. (((Hugs)))
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((((((((Movie))))))))
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Jeannie - I think that part of figuring things out is accepting the mysteries. (Which of course, I haven't). Whenever I go out to Cape Breton, I visit the church where my grandfather ministered. Regardless of my beliefs, I like to be in a place that is a force for good, surrounded by people who are bonded by their own beliefs and morals and sense of community. I also enjoy the sermons. I can feel my grandad's presence saying 'See? You should come more often!'
Movie - I am so sorry about little Otto. So so sorry.
I'm pm'd Bluebird a few times, and we talked about Guided Meditation and ways to relax. I liked our conversations. I always addressed her as FierceBluebirdNoPants. Remember the game we played (Nihahi came up with this I think) about the last thing you drank and the colour of your pants. She said she wasn't wearing any pants, so the name stuck in my head. I can't stop thinking about her.
Bosom - I hope you're right. Never alone.
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So sorry, movie.
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movie, I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs this morning.
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Oh, Movie! One load after another for you to carry in that sack on your back. I'm so sorry it's getting so heavy. (((hugs)))
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(((((((Movie)))))))
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56 days and counting......so looking forward to it!
My parents and DH are home and life slowly returns to the mere chaotic level of normal.
FBB and her family still on my mind all day and night.
((((Movie))))) still teary about your Doxie......we nearly lost ours to chocolate several weeks ago. It was close. I'm so sorry.
Sbel I loved what you posted about your faith the other day.
Hugs all around.
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I have to confess, I didn't know chocolate was so toxic for dogs. We don't keep chocolate in the house much, and our dogs are small and not pantry-savvy, but I will certainly be aware that it's poisonous.
One of our little woofers, Sammy, seemed to be in a lot of pain a few weeks ago, so we took him to the vet. Exam, labs, pain meds, $$$...and we still don't know what it was, although with two weeks of "crate rest" he feels better. But his blood calcium is up, and the vet said it could mean...oh, gosh...cancer, somewhere. So we're keeping an eye on him and getting another calcium level drawn this afternoon.
But I have to ask myself, if my little furry 12-pound friend received a cancer diagnosis, what would I do? MRIs, CT scans, chemo, surgeries? I don't think so.
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Janet, your grandad's church sounds lovely. I'm so glad you have a blog! Your last post about your one year boobaversary was great. I recently had my one year, too, and could relate to what you said about them being "pets" that you carried around and took care of at first. Heck, I related to the whole thing, really. Your writing is so enjoyable. Thank you.
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sbel, that's a tough one. I love my little companion so much but....I have known people that do treat it but I don't think we'd be able to. I hope your guy doesn't have cancer.
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