Moving On......After the Flap
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Thanks for the info on the de Quervain's tenosynovitis. I blame it on the Arimidex, but won't stop taking it because a recurrence would be worse! Just trying to get my emotions under control because the last time I stressed out - right after chemo & radiation - was because my younger sister passed away suddenly & within 2 weeks I broke out in shingles on my face & looked like a monster & felt horrible. Don't want that again either. Stress & autoimmune conditions because of taking Enbrel for psoriasis make physical side effects happen to me. I know I'm whining, so I'm sorry. Just need break!
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Sorry, nihahi, I am not changing back. The name my father gave me when I was born means morning sun...
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Sharon, whine away! It's okay with me, certainly. I hope for and enjoy honesty on this thread.You have faced some tough things and learned to take care of yourself. That is good. I hope your medication helps your mood and your ability to cope. I should probably be taking some!
I am wondering why, as time goes by, I freak out more when we drive by my cancer center (it's right next to the freeway about thirty miles from me). I tell myself, "that is where you were helped to kick cancer to the curb" but it still produces some kind of kick to the gut. And anticipating my four month MO check-up next month is gut-tingling, too, even though I don't think there will be "anything." I guess it's the uncertainty. Nihahi, you are so far out from your dx and tx. When does it get better???
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Fierce......hugs and hearts surrounding you......You are in our thoughts.
Goodness sharon....you're not whining....you're "emoting"...go for it!!!!!
MorningSun.....love the name! It must mean you'll be the first one up at the gathering and will get the coffee started!
Jeannie....It just "does" get better, but, there are still times and memories that knock me to my knees, I readily admit. When I drove a neighbour to her chemo sessions this summer, I almost lost the ability to stay upright walking down the same hall I had walked down.....
But I will say, as the frequency of your appts decreases..things seem better for longer. Eventually, life in the "new normal" becomes more of a habit, than an awareness....that helps too. There is no magic bullet to put it behind us (in my opinion).....I just tried to find ways to live looking forward. I compare it to when a loved one passes away.....you never get over losing them.....you just learn to live on with the memories.
I went for a looooong walk today (weather be danged) and am feeling so much better about things than I was a day ago. I decided yesterday I better do something to change my focus, so signed up for some more Red Cross shifts. I find it hard to look in the mirror and obsess about "shapes and appearances" when the eyes looking back at me remind me how good I have it, compared to others. THAT kind of comparison is the positive kind! Of course, some of the swelling seems to have minimized, so that helps too!!!!! I think my PS is wonderful, again, but I'm gonna make him sweat for that compliment at the next appt.!
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Nihahi, you're so right. Doing things for others helps to get things back in line. Glad you could get outside!
Bosom, you will be here encouraging others, I just know it. Sometimes life requires so much PATIENCE!
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Happy Easter! Yes, Nihahi, a time for reflection.
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I cannot sleep. I have been trying for over an hour. I have a friend who was diagnosed with stage iv this week and I went to see her today and it "knocked me to my knees". I was fine with her, of course, but sobbed in the car after I left. I was just lying here thinking about ptsd. So I thought I'd check in here and it's "the topic". And I am strengthened just knowing there are people who get it right beside my heart.
My OT and I were talking about coping mechanisms the other day.....how we both tend to wrap our troubles up in neat boxes, sometimes even with pretty ribbons lol, to be dealt with later. I peek in once in a while and see Pandora herself peering back at me so I shut it quick and retie the ribbon and go about the business of moving on. But days like today the box flies open on its own and breaks me. Just for a little while, but it breaks me.
Been busy with my six month check ups the last few weeks. Mammogram (native only, not flap) MRI, blood work all look great. I have a heart echo next week (Herceptin can cause heart problems even down the road) and then I am done for six months. OT released me to once a month. Lord willing I will hit the three year mark on June 10 with no recurrence...looking pretty darned likely at this point! So that's very good news.
A reporter is going to talk to me dad this week. If she decides to do a story I will post a link.
Happy Easter morning, friends. Love to all.
B
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Oh, Bailey, I'm so sorry about your friend. Is it FBC? I hope the available drugs really help her to live a good, longer life. No wonder you can't sleep. I'm glad you had good check ups beforehand. It's good that you know your coping mechanisms well. I think I probably put my cares in a box, too, but I open it way too often! And there aren't pretty ribbons yet. Thinking about Easter a lot yesterday and tonight and realizing my suffering really doesn't compare....
Blessed Easter, everyone.
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Bailey, I sure know what you mean. A BC friend's friend died last week and it really hit me hard. They were both pregnant when they were diagnosed, and the mommy who lost her life left behind three small children and a baby.
I know...I KNOW...that God guides me, day by day, and will only allow what I can handle, day by day. But this week Jerry was diagnosed with some small skin cancers that will be easily removed, and I had to prevent myself from going to "that dark place." It IS PTSD. And sometimes, like you, I have to find a private place to sob.
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A group hug, ((((((((flapper sisters))))))))
Going to church this morning, will say a prayer for all who are going through a tough time.
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Bailey - What a beautiful post. You've summed up the 'Pandora's box' of emotions so well. I too have felt Pandora peering back at me, challenging me to take the leap to a deep uncomfortable place. And I tend to slap the box shut, and put a little bow on it so I can pretend that it it's just decorative, and not emotional.
And like Nihahi, I've almost fallen to my knees given a visual memory. I realize I must have blocked a lot of stuff, and maybe there was just too much to absorb. Recently my phone rang and the caller idea read 'Private Number'.I was paralyzed for just a moment, but it brought back waves of memories of waiting for tests results and calls from the hospital. I felt sick.
Most of the terrifying moments in my life have been with someone else. Like an electrical storm while camping, or my mom having a heart attack (She's fine now) or witnessing a robbery, and I can say to a friend 'Remember when?'
There's not a lot of 'remember when' when your lying exposed on an examination table getting tattooed for radiation. So into the box it goes. Wrap it in a bow and put it delicately back on the shelf.
My heart goes out to your friend, Bailey. I wish her great strength, guidance, and a long life.
And to all you lovely ladies and your wonderful families (and Bailey's dad, and Jerry) Happy Easter.
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sbe and bailey.....hugs all around! I've been wondering about you two.
bailey....I'm guessing this is the friend who you've redone the bedroom for??? So sorry for you, for her, and everyone in between.
sbe...I've had 2 kinds of skin cancers carved off my face. Is Jerry having his removed by MOH's procedure?? That way, at least you know it's "clear margins". Sending hugs and hope.
Pandora's box....perfect description!
dear friends...even when you think...ha, I got this....it hits. A few posts ago, I was encouraging everyone....today,not so much. Spent most of yesterday in a panic, thinking OMG, I've got cellulitis because of the new nip and going to lose the flap!!! Red, warm, swollen.....Now I'm thinking it might have been a reaction to the different kinds of tape I'm trying. Things are better but not great. On top of that, daughter is spiralling down in her depression again. Things just seem too hard....One day I'm thinking...there it is....the "finish line".....another day....crap, I'm back in the "this will never really be "over", will it" black fog. One day at a time again....we will DO THIS!!!!!!
janet....cross postings.....loved your words...
meant to add.....Easter blessings to everyone...........I am so grateful to have you all in my "basket".
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Nihahi - you can do this. If you even think there might be cellulitis, get the to the doc! Otherwise, breath. Really, just breath. You won't lose the flap - after all this time it is yours! It has passed its first birthday. It really will be over - the boob stuff not the daughter stuff. Sorry she is struggling again. So very hard to watch.
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thanks marty......usually her struggles or trying to find ways to help others is my "go to exit button" for my own concerns....because...you know..really...in comparison???? Today, not so much. Today it's "how the h@@l can I spend the day with her and her issues while caring for the "what's under the shirt" issue? I mean, can you GO to a Chinese buffet top naked???? Then I think of her pain, and think "not much" of myself and my current mindset.
Going to try not putting anymore polysporin on things, in case that is also contributing to the flap/nip crisis. Things are not as red or warm as yesterday, so I'm back to the "reaction to something" theory........
It's just one of those days, ya know....when it's early in the morning, and you just want THIS day to be over.....to start anew tomorrow.
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I googled "naked woman Chinese buffet Alberta" and got nothing, Nihahi, I'm guessing you kept it together!
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Nihahi, I feel for you and understand. Some days it just seems too much. But then the next day comes and you realize you can "do this," after all. I like what Sbel said about God giving enough strength for each day, one day at a time. I'm sorry about your daughter's troubles. Depression is so hard! I'm glad your day is almost over. Tomorrow is coming.
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Today was better....I was able to sleep in a bit, so that was nice. My friend does not have FBC, Jeannie, but it's in a lot of places. I don't think they even know which site is primary. Her attitude is very positive and she says she plans to fight every day. No, Nihahi, not the same friend we did the house stuff for...she is my friend who has stage iv FBC. These are friends I have known for many years. My heart breaks for them.
Nihahi you might be on to something with stopping the polysporin ....I developed reactions to the "sporins" and the "tracins" after stage I flap. I hope it's better today.
One more week until the Eagle Scout open house!!!
Sbel, hugs for you and Jerry.
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Hang in there Nahahi for that brighter day. I'm sure it will come.
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Bailey, what a good friend you are. I can't imagine what your friends and their families are going through. I'm glad you were able to sleep in. Woohoo for your Eagle Scout!
Sbel, thinking of you and Jerry. Even though these cancer memories are hard, it helps to know they are shared. I'm sorry Jerry has some lesions to remove. My parents (88) have been getting them removed for years. I had one deep one removed on my upper chest years ago--I have matching scar lines from my port and the skin cancer, one on each side of my body.
Nihahi, hope you managed to keep your shirt on for MOST of the day, anyway, and had good times with your family.
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Happy Monday everyone....
Got daughter to eat, got her taxes filed, had some "superficial conversations"......lots of "one boob" hugs. Hopefully she felt a bit better by the end of the day. No real resolution to her latest issues, but, with her kind of depression, things don't go away, they just hopefully stay manageable.
No gauze, no tape, no polysporin....minimal clothing....equals, NO redness, swelling or warmth. I keep obsessively checking...apparently it doesn't also mean no nipple! (phew). I figured I'll go out today and buy some cheapo, non-friction, well oversized tops to get me through. Thanks for the support during my freakout weekend. I guess it was justmy turn to have a "bit of a complication"...since up till now things have been pretty smooth for me. Both feet back on the ground today and hugs all around. Hubby is now just needing a cane, and is driving himself into work today....I have the WHOLE day to myself!!!!!
Fierce....if you're reading....hope the TE was removed successfully, (was a permanent implant put in??), your pneumonia is better and your tx can move forward.
bailey...enjoy the Eagle Scout celebration...you are amazing in finding the joy in between the tears.
jeannie....thank you for your strength and understanding.....it's going to be an interesting drive from Seattle to Oregon, with all the hugging going on!!
janet....you will NOT have the same experience with your nips...there...no worries, girl.
mammalou and tammy(morning sun)....love you. Hope you scars start to smarten up!!!!!!
sbe and liefie....hope the first Easter with the little one was special...in every way. Photos please!!!!!
cherrie and marty....you are very special and have both been on this road a looong time. I am so glad you are with us now.
bosum...hope you had some smiles yesterday...and some today too!
Sun's up...here we go ladies....TOWANDA!!!!
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Good morning, and happy Monday, everyone! I'll post Easter photos of Aubrey as soon as I can manage. It's going to be a long day--taking the train to San Diego for a meeting, and coming back again tonight.
Nihahi, I'm so glad your daughter is responding a bit, and that your concern over cellulitis is resolving.
Hugs to you, Bailey. What a friend you are.
Bluebird, I was also wondering what Nihahi asked--when they take your expander out, will they put a permanent implant in?
Blue skies, everyone!
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I thank God for you ladies! You make me smile. You make me cry. You make me laugh. You keep me praying! I don't know what I would do without you. Some ladies are not so fortunate to have a support group like this. I know I don't post a lot, but I read more than I post. And, I think of you all every day. You help me to know I'm not crazy for the thoughts in my head when I know others would never understand. {{{{{sisters}}}}} and prayers for you. I love you all. Have a good week. ...Julie
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Blue skies!
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Julie, like you I read more than I post. Some days just have no energy. But love this forum.
Nihahi, love the sails quote. I had a reaction to neosporin once. Used it for too long I guess. Stopped using it, redness went away.
In the hospital, they occasionally gave announcements over the loudspeaker. I swear I kept hearing TOWANDA. It made me laugh every time. Tried to explain to hubby, but it was over his head and my being loopy didn't help.
To clarify, the end of January had an expander put in to start reconstruction process again. The fill process would also give me time to decide if I wanted to go with another flap or implant. Then when I got the brain tumor (one doctor even told me he felt reconstruction triggered cancer returns)
They needed to do an MRI but couldn't because expanders have metal ports. So I needed it out ASAP. My plastics surgeon could have just done a slap dash job since he was fitting me in between cases and the main focus now is brain treatment, but he did a beautiful job matching righty to lefty. It's hard enough to try to match an implant to a natural breast, let alone match a flap! And I hadn't even finished the expansion process. But I did hear how he does it and now I'm mortified. But that's a story for another day. I just hope there's not pics of me posted on Facebook or floating on the internet somewhere!
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aww fierce.....that sounds like GREAT NEWS!
I know I left my dignity in the dust a looooong time ago. Now, crazy lady with occasional panic attacks seems to be a better fit than dignified...certainly more entertaining to family and friends
! fyi.....that "recon causes recurrence" doc is an asshole in my opinion.
bosum....what's your plan for the day??? Heading out now, but I'm warning you, I'm checking in later and will be looking for you!!!!!!
hugs back at you jbloom.
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Nihahi - Three cheers for being back on your feet! I just read your Elizabeth Edwards quote and we must be on the same wave length today. Because when I read that you made it through your wobbly weekend, I was thinking that you are like the branches of willow tree. You can bend and sway, but never break. And no matter what crazy winds a storm may bring, your roots are strong and solid.
And thank your for offering me reassurance about my future nips. Thats very thoughtful. I'm hoping for a swift and uncomplicated surgery, but if everything goes tits up - I know exactly where to turn.
Happy Monday everyone.
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good morning ladies! It's good to hear from you Bluebird. I'm dying to hear what your PS did!
Nahahi, I'm glad to hear you are doing better. I wore bacitracin on my nip for a week and developed a small surface infection in the incision line. When I went for post op, they said to stop and let it dry up. It seems to be just fine now.
I went to San Diego with high school friends and had a pretty crazy but fun weekend. Anytime I tell my friends that I need to get away, they try to accommodate me with a trip. We laugh so much and it is good. I didn't think about BC in spite of the nipple guard and biopsy site on my chest. Biopsy was benign by the way.
Now I'm back here in my box. I feel like since my DEIP flap last June, I have had endless complications and scares. I am so emotionally tired. But, I have decided I need to make a conscious effort to try and find happiness and peace of mind and joy that breast cancer has come and gone. I often ask myself why I can't get it out if my mind. It's gone, maybe forever. It's all part of that PTSD I think and I know you are the only people that understand that. Thank god someone does! I know I have a longing to make my life more meaningful, so I'm trying to figure that out. That's the hard part. Of course, it doesn't help that my DH is still struggling so much with chronic headaches brought on by stress about me. But, I am trying to be patient and see if we can solve this problem.
Anyways. TOWANDA! Carry on!
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Quick drive by post from work...
FBB -- glad to hear your PS was able to do a little magic!
Nihali -- glad to hear the redness has faded -- I remember when I had some stitch healing issues, the home care nurses wanted polysporin on them all the time, and then a surgical fellow had a fit when he saw me and told me xnay on the polysporin -- causes redness!! Who knew?
Janet -- I'm seeing our fav PS next week -- I think things are settled enough to start planning the next step.
Bosom/Mammalou -- sorry to hear you are in the overwhelm box -- I know it well too -- I planted myself firmly there when diagnosed, and stayed there full time until DIEP surgery. After surgery, I had a nice period of calm, but now I often find myself back in the box, trying to figure out why I'm still there, and attempting to climb out. I'm blaming tamoxifen at the moment
.Everyone else -- hope you are having a good day.
Ridley
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Nihahi and Janet, you are in the made me laugh column. Mamma, good biopsy results is in the thankful prayer column. FBB, it is so good to hear good news on the recon work. I guess we will all be waiting "for another day." Yes, even when we get good test results the fear that it might return doesn't seem to go away. I have the song, "We are Overcomers" stuck in my head. It's for all of us here.
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