Stupid comments ....
Comments
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I try to just say "I am fantastic, how are you"? Sometimes I get "fantastic? I wish I was you"! Yep me too.............If I could I would make their wish come true.
My other favorite is, "It is so nice that breast cancer patients have so much help available from all of the fundraisers." So where is it??
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It's been over a week since this happened, but I am still shaking when I think of it. I was hoping to get some new bras and finally get out of my surgical bra, but I was treated very rudely at the local bra store downtown. I was told it was okay to bring my little dog in, then an employee nicely told me that my dog couldn't be in a certain fitting room because they work with surgical patients. I said that I totally understood and was moving my things when another employee came and started yelling at me and rolling her eyes when I tried to explain. This was the same woman that burst into my fitting room when I was trying on bras post-MX in 2012 and then stopped and gawked at my freshly scarred breasts. I complained about my treatment to the nice employee, but I finally had to write a letter to the owner and tell her that her rude employee either needs some sensitivity training or another line of work because she is unfit to work with BC patients. I've had great interactions with the owner -- she fitted me for my first LE sleeve and fitted me for a bra after my recon -- but she was standing there when that woman yelled at me and I was very disappointed to be treated like that. I try to keep my money local and support my downtown, but I went right home and ordered the same bra online. A round of junk punch for my friends!
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OMG! That should change the way they do business, and local to boot! She just needs whatever you can dish out, but anger may just make you open the Whup Ass on her. I am so sorry! I need to shop for bras, but I keep putting it off. I haven't worn a bra since before surgery 12/15 and now I am waiting for the rads swelling and burns to heal and then I have to go, can't wait. But I will be ready for it, I hope. Ugh!
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Yesterday I got the "new boobs and tummy tuck for free!" comment from my physiotherapist ....!
When I first went to her I explained what I had had done, showed her my scars, and described the surgery to her. I gathered she had not seen a TRAM reconstruction before, but I didn't mind explaining.
Then yesterday, my third visit, she was finally doing what felt like some effective massage to mobilize the stiff tissue around my left shoulder (having left me for alone for about 40 minutes with a couple of heat packs) when she said, "I get that that is the skin from your stomach there, but how do they pad it out?"
!@##$$ ???
That was when she came out with the free boob job comment.
And that was when she became my ex-physiotherapist.
The lady I wanted to see works in a different clinic and is experienced working with oncology patients and reconstruction. She was away visiting family in Australia for three months, right when I needed her! I call that selfish!
Anyway, I'm booked to see her Monday!
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mebmarj, your post reminded me of a friend of mine, she was someone who after my diagnosis disappeared. I know how that feels! I rthink some people just are not equipped to have empathy, their loss!
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Morwenna, that's really unbelievable-- and from someone treating BC issues- similarly with LAStar- do people not have manners anymore? BookWoman- people also say to me- you were so amazing-- and really I feel I just showed up. And sometimes I say they would do the same.
I think because it's breast cancer everyone feels they own it. If we had been in an accident, or had MS or even bad depression people would at least be more respectful. You're not allowed to wag your finger at people with these other illnesses, but some how breast cancer is fair game.
I will have to use one of those stock answers for "How's your health?" or I might find myself being sarcastic and saying well, I think I'm going to die tomorrow. I think people are disappointed when they don't get any titillating goods. That's why I'm keeping my exchange surgery to myself.
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Oh it was just thoughtless and ignorant, and I didn't say anything at the time, just got ticked off thinking about it later. She's not used to treating bc clients and the lady I knew of, and wanted to see, was away.
I called to cancel next week's appointment that was already booked, and they asked me if I wanted to reschedule, which declined. If they had had the courtesy to ask me why, I would have explained why, and maybe she would have learned something, but they didn't, and I can't be arsed (throws another nickel in the swear jar)
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LAStar - Since we're both in the same state, I'm curious as to which shop that is. I, too, try hard to support local businesses but also try to avoid those with bad karma - and I think this one qualifies!
If you're not comfortable posting it publicly, I understand and a PM would be fine, if you're willing. Thanks!
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here you go, "you're so strong." Mmm, no, not really. What choice is there? Not a whole hell of a lot. Honestly I was scared, mad and anxious. I was toughing it out and investing in treatment to gain more years. Throwing up my hands, giving up, burying my head in the sand or self medicating with various substances wouldn't help.
"Awareness" campaigns do a disservice with the cute slogans. No one wants to talk about breasts clinically because they are embarrassed, hence it's ok to call them the nicknames. Any other cancer have that? Nope.
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LA, is there anywhere that you could review the store? Then others could see how bad it is, and the owner would have to sit up and take notice. Or at the very least it gives you a chance to vent, and warn others.
My friend had a stupid remark made to her after she finished chemo. She was at work and a client's' father told her she looked good, and asked how she felt. She replied she felt really well. Then he said to my friend that his neighbor had breast cancer and she was doing really well too.....then she died.
I used to get that a lot at the beginning too, where people would say they knew someone with breast cancer too...and of course they didn't make it. What in the world are they thinking when they share that with you?????
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stupid comment indirectly related to breast cancer :
Out to lunch with friend and my baby. Mixed up formula to feed little guy lady at table next to us asked how old he was. I said 4 months ( btw he is a big chubby 4 month old) she said "wow! Definitely a formula baby" I am sure she wasn't being mean ...I think???but I hate when people comment on how I am feeding/this particular lady sounded judgy and we were in a earthy/crunchy cafe but I am sure it was just me .I already have so much guilt about not being able to breastfeed.
Things I thought in my head but did not say
Wow!definitely a formula baby!......Me: no probably all the steroids and chemo I had during pregnancy .OR Wow! You can tell my boobs are fake? Ill let my PS know.
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Hopeful, it's Donna Bella in Corvallis. I have had good experiences with the owner in the past. I have written her a personal letter about my experiences, and I'm giving her the option to do the right thing. She does a lot for BC awareness and fundraising in town, so I hope she does.
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Nurseshark: Ignore stupid comments about formula feeding! There is a whole generation of people (me included) who were formula babies and we turned out just fine. There is no need for people to be so judgmental. One of my friends breastfed both of her sons and they were chunky!! Once they started to crawl and walk, the baby fat went away, but they were chunky infants.
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Nurseshark - sorry you had to listen to that! I just don't get why people feel like it's 'ok' for them to say anything that pops into their mind. I agree with Glennie - gotta ignore those comments. I think either of your comeback comments would have been awesome...that lady would definitely think twice about what comes out of her mouth after receiving one (or both) of those!
Lastar - Good for you for writing a personal letter to the owner of the shop! I do hope she will take care of the customer service issues she is having in the shop.
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NurseShark, those granola heads can be so judgemental! Ha, now before I incure the wrath of the entire granola-head community, let me say there are plenty if health advocates who are not judgy, you just were sitting next to a know-it-all with granola for brains.
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BookWoman
It does not bother me. As a matter of fact its one of the comments I find soothing . When someone says I'm courage's its because they see me doing what is need in a way they find admirable.
My reply is usually, I always knew I had courage but I didn't want to put it to the test.
If people are saying you have courage its because the way you are outwardly handling the BC is not so frightening to them.
Its a good thing, pat yourself on the back.
A gentle hug to you.
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Beachbum
Those walks for the cure....80% of the proceeds goes to fund the actual walk. 20% goes to some kind of bc fund.
I am not against the walks at all because many women feel supported, and its a happy day for them.
I would never begrudge anyone comfort no matter where it comes from but those walks are not for me.
So, when someone asks if I want to participate, I jokingly say, just hand over to me whatever you were going to give. I have over $12,000. in medical bills outstanding from last year alone. The bills from this years waltz at the hospital have starting arriving.
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Nurse-Shark,
If that woman had gotten me on a bad day I would have had to reply "What the F8ck do you mean by that?"
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Hi RaiderGirl, I so get the medical bills, I have almost $15,000 from last year, and with rads the meter is running for sure. I'm single, 58, and currently have no job or insurance. So this "journey" has not been kind. For me it is more of an obstacle course. I am beginning to look for a new position to secure income and insurance. At this point, I am not too sure how I will ever get to a break even point, so when people ask me "how are you REALLY?", I'm not too sure if I should tell the truth or not. If I sugar coat the truth, they look skeptical, and if I tell the truth, they all pull up the pity face. Ugh! So I am fine!
Another favorite comment, "I love the color of your hair, is that your real color?" And I reply "not sure, I'll have to wait and see what color I get". Which is very true since my hair is growing back in almost black and white! Not the blonde I am currently wearing......sigh.
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Beachbum102
No insurance is rough.
Have no qualms in telling people that some days you can't decide if the cancer or the bills stress you the most. They just don't realize that it costs thousands and thousands.
A person should not have to choose between their life or financial destitution.
Where the hell does all the fund money go? They are no closer to a cure or cause than 20 years ago. I am so tired of Breast Cancer Awareness, we are aware already. Use this freakin awareness money to help women in financial need.
Dam, I am in a rare mood today I just want to pimp slap the world ( not you). I better log off.
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Hi RaiderGirl, I so get it, and I don't care how much I owe, who I owe it to, or when or if I will ever get it paid off. I make sure I pay my car payments and my personal credit cards to keep my credit rating. The medical gets a monthly payment of $25 bucks, really? I will be dead and cremated before I have it paid. If I do it right, my last check that I sign will bounce.
I am very aware of BC, I have one boob so I gave enough. And where is all the money, where is the cure, and where are all the programs to help the women with BC? So far I have a donated quilt, two knit hats, free make up kit, and $75 in gas cards to drive to rads 35 times. I hate to sound petty, but I have to say I have hit the rock bottom of life. I laugh when I get told to go do what I want, enjoy my time, do something that I always wanted to do. Really?? I am just trying to survive. I have my bucket list, but if I can't live and pay the bills, how do I attack a bucket list before I die?
A good day is waking up.......I hope I don't have anyone ask me how I am today, I just may reload on them!
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RG: tell it like it is!! I was just whining on another thread about the lack of universal health care in this country. We are the "best" country in the world and yet our citizens have no health insurance. Wrong!! Terrible terrible that you have to face such bills. ((( Beachbum))) no insurance sucks!! Have you looked over on the financial type threads about some possible help? I know there are programs to help with medicines,,, something to maybe check on if you are on tamoxifen or one of the AI's, or any other meds, like for blood pressure, etc.My answer when people ask "How are you really"? *do you want the truth or a good lie?* That usually stuns them into silence.
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glennie19, I can toss out the "dying, just not today", they change the subject immediately and move on!
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oh, yeah,, I bet that works!0 -
Beachbum,
Someone who has no idea what it is like to face a life threatening illness said we all have to live like we are going to die.
It made me think, I have a need to live like I will continue to live. I want to buy shoes on sale for next season, I use face cream to avoid wrinkles, I floss, and I am trying to lose weight because I need to believe that I will be here for many tomorrows or else whats the point of anything.
A bucket list for me is Hollywood bullsh*t. In real life I am not wishing for exotic experiences that I fear I wont get to do. I just want to live my life.
I still buy green bananas.
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Bucket List #1. Stay alive
Bucket List #2. Repeat #1
I think that should do it.
Have a great evening!0 -
Beachbum
You absolutely crack me up.
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I have a lot of help from my friends, RaiderGirl! Feel free to copy the list and share.
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RaiderGirl - Your remarks really resonated with me; thank you for taking the time to express so thoughtfully something I suspect many of us are feeling.
Beachbum - Your situation is morally outrageous. All the billions spent on 'awareness' and those who are living with it barely get the crumbs that fall from the table, if that. If you know how to ask and who to ask and how many times in how many ways to beg.
And, yes, I just LOVE those books and sites that advise that this is a time to review one's priorities, perhaps take up a less stressful line of work, consider volunteering or donating funds to good causes, do things for others ('cause we never did before, right?), spend more time with friends and family, take time to savor this life that's suddenly not ours anymore. Yeah. That's so far from the lived reality or possibilities that it's beyond offensive.
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Don't get me started on the "cancer is a gift" horsesh.... feathers.
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