Stupid comments ....
Comments
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I always regret sharing that I have BC with others. As we all know it invites stupid comments. From this day forward, whoever doesn't know, I ain't tellin'. Best to stay in the closet.
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I'm thinking closet is the best.
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sbelezabeth I have always used the "What do you mean?" when confronted with racist remarks. Never thought of using it this way.
Youre brilliant.
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My BFF and I have always joked around about who is going to go first.....the other has to look out for the family that is left. Yesterday we joked about.....mainly because my daughter isn't married yet. Weird how it can be ok discussing with your BFF, but crazy as crap when perfect strangers ask you how long you have?!!!
A good friend who lost her sweet sister to a big Cancer recently asked me if I was going to make....not insulted at all....but really pissed off by a nurse I worked with said she wished she could get free new boobs. I couldn't refrain from telling her what a crazy bitch she was. Oops..
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Beatmon, I wish I had a new free boob job too! But the free boob job has cost me my job, my insurance, my savings, and will probably cost me my life in the end. I was supposed to have immediate recon with my mastectomy, and my blood pressure dropped to 70/34 and the PS closed without recon. So now I have one boob, I am triple negative, and heading back to chemo soon since I am Stage IV.
Define FREE please! I would be glad to give them my free boob job, and all that goes with it. Next!
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Beachbum...I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Lousy. Completely lousy. Cyber hug.
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Hi Everyone,I have to say that the worst stupid comment that I have heard was that "my karma must be coming back to me"; that was from a not very nice co-worker, she and I never have gotten along, I decided to take the high road and not punch her out that day. I also have a male coworker who will walk by me and pretend to pull my wig off my head, not sure if he is trying to be funny or that is his way of not be uncomfortable around me now that I have breast cancer.
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Yes, I've encountered that sliding-eyes thang across my chest that people do when they find out I've had breast cancer. And, then, when they see that I have perfectly normal-looking cleavage (I had a lumpectomy by a truly gifted surgeon and you can't tell I had nearly a quarter of my breast removed, especially with a balconette bra on), they "marvel" at how "real" my breasts look. I have scars on my tongue from biting down...
beachbum... I'm so sorry you are facing this again.
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I have to hold my hand up and say I can't resist looking at other ladies' chests myself when we are talking about breast cancer .... this is irrespective of whether the person I'm talking to is a "BC Sistah" or not. .......... Does that make me a perv? (usually I'm just jealous)
One thing that makes me smile when I think of it is when I was quite recently diagnosed and awaiting surgery, my husband hurt his back. Oh I know; it was that week, when our world was imploding: I was diagnosed with two sorts of cancer within the week, hubby had his car written off in a rear-ender (hence the bad back), and also got laid off from his work! This was a cloud with a silver lining as it happens, because he was available to be with me through all the early appointments at least!
Anyway, he was doing his physio exercises on a roll, and kept falling off, and I was laughing, and said "Look, I can do it much better than you!" He replied "Well it's all very well for you, *I* have a bad back!" To which I retorted, "Well? **I** have CANCER!", and we both just fell about laughing!
Looking back, we were probably borderline hysterical
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Beachbum102, I didn't know you were stage IV, I am sorry that your facing chemo again. That's a hard row to hoe.
As for the free anything with BC, only the truly insane or imbeciles would say that.
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Beatmon: excellent reply to that nurse! There is nothing free about this!!6doggies: not very nice of your co-workers. I get that people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say,, but "I'm sorry to hear this." will suffice very well in my book.
Morwenna: glad you and hubby got a laugh out of all the craziness that happened to you in such a short period of time!
((((beachbum))))
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For all those that want to "go" before I do, I can make that happen........reload! I'm sure that they will change their mind. The next time I hear "I wish it was me", hmmm so do I. Who wants BC???
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When I was at the dentist the other day a sweet young thing of a dental assistant, upon hearing about my cancer, looked me in the eye and said :
"I am so sorry to hear that. That is something no one wants to go through." Simple, and kind. Then she asked me if I knew the staff member who was a ten year survivor. I had spoken with her when I was newly diagnosed, and it had given me much needed encouragement.
My point is that even though she was so young she was well taught, probably by her co-worker.
Now for the stupid comment....
Just after I was diagnosed I was laying on my bed watching tv and my husband came and sat beside me on the bed. Trying to be a comic He picked up the measuring tape on the end table and proceded to measure me for a coffin. I gave him the look, to which he replied: "Too soon?"
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AndreaJ50
The dental assistant is a jewel.
Your DH did what many men do, they have to joke at the things that scare them the most. Smack him in the head...hard.
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My dental assistant will always be a jewel to me. She gave up her lunch hour to clean my teeth the day before chemo started! And my dentist (at no charge) made a mold for me to have fluoride treatments.....But she did say something stupid. When she asked what my stage was, I said stage 1 and she responded. "Oh good, then you will have a long way to go before you get to Stage 4" Sometimes people need a little slack and I was happy to give it to her!
Love to all, MsP
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Oh MsP, my usual reply to that type of response is "ain't no 5", then I get the "look" from them when it hits them what they just said. When my MO told me that she saw a shadow on my scan she told me I would be a Stage IV but treatable, I said "ain't no 5". Like I was supposed to be happy with a Stage 4? Exhausting, but I am pretty sure I saw $$ in my MO's eyes..............
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Re: MsP's dentist's comment (and it was nice of you to let it slide...): I think sometimes people HONESTLY believe that cancer progresses in an orderly fashion, from 1 to 2 to 3 then stage 4, rather than leap frogging from say, stage 2 to stage 4. So people think that if you're stage 1 or 2 you're relatively 'safe' and that may be part of why they don't understand how earth-shattering, and dangerous, this diagnosis is.
(I will refrain from commenting on the general level of ignorance about this disease (to say nothing of science in general) in our society. You're welcome.)
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Hopeful, I agree with you. Before I got BC,, I thought cancer progressed in an orderly fashion from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4. Little did I know,,,, So stage 1 & 2 seem OK.0 -
"If you die can I have your car?" That is a good one."You have such a pretty shaped head, you look good bald." Really.
"You look so good!" (What, I look like crap the rest of the time?)
Here's one from work ... "Are your job procedures updated?"
How about the awkwardness when you run into somebody you used to hang with a lot before cancer, but they fell off the radar when you were diagnosed? You see them 3 years later and they squirm a bit because you KNOW they wrote you off for dead. HELLO, I'M STILL HERE!
Somewhere, I think on BC Org, there is a thread that talks about shit cancer patients can say to other cancer patients, but nobody else can. Some of the stuff was funny and very dark at the same time. I remember laughing out loud a lot when I read it. If you said those things to non-cancer people they get uncomfortable. Maybe that's what you do to somebody that says tasteless things; just lay stuff out there to leave them speechless.
My very, very best friend of 30+ years NEVER came to my house during my treatment, and I was SO SO SICK. She just couldn't handle seeing me that way. That was weird, but I blessed and released it.
My sister (BC survivor), her oldest daughter (Stage 4 ovarian cancer), and her middle daughter (before she died 8 years ago (metastatic BC) - you should have heard some of our conversations.
Thanks for sharing!
Debbie
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Hi GirlPowerDebbie, Please send Heggy's caramels! I love them. I am from Richville, a Perry Panther. I put them on my bucket list......and the awesome fries with butter, and some ice cream, and some fresh roasted cashews. Oh my oh my!
Yep don't you love all the fun things we are told. I like "your hair looks great, is it yours?" Yep I paid for it................
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Had a falling out with a friend for various reasons but the kicker was- she never called after my 2nd diagnosis, never stopped by and we finally met up at a community cancer event. She asked did they get it all? Well it was a bilateral mastectomy so I hope so. Geesh. That was 4 years ago.
My grown daughter mentioned she was going to a certain place in town today and wondered if they would run into each other. Didn't know if she'd get the fake, how are you?!? from the old friend. I told my daughter she had my consent to reply, if ever asked by that person how I was, to say STILL ALIVE.
I'm still bitter. Probably should let it go, I can forgive her nervous statement maybe, but total lack of compassion- that I will never forget.
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minivan - you made me laugh, thank you. love your outlook on life
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Hopeful,Unless someone has BC or is close to someone or does , the following are the assumptions.
1) They don't know about all the variables. HER+ , what's that?
2) treatment is always cut, poison and burn, no matter what.
3) breast reconstruction is similar to cosmetic breast augmentation. "Oh, you'll get pretty new breasts"
4) BC patients look like hell ,explaining the "gee you look good comments"
5) Stages progress in order. "Oh your stage 2, you have a long way to go"
6) think BC patients did something to cause the BC, or its in the family.
7) believe that we have to be grateful 24/7 , every single fu*king comment is followed by "you should be grateful you're alive".
Ok I'm done now.
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Hi all, this thread makes me laugh! You guys have such good responses. I wish I had kept it in the closet more because people have such assumptions
First, the worst comment I got was after I was done with chemo. A friend wrote me a letter that included disclosing that she was suffering from depression- at the end she said,. "At least it's not cancer." She acted like my life is the worst, when actually I didn't and don't feel like my life is the worst. I'd personally rather be happy. I wish I had written back:
Life Is Not Measured By the Number of Breaths We Take, But By the Moments That Take Our Breath Away
Recently I got the question, "How's your health?" (which I always get-and I hate it but people are curious) and I say, fine. And then she said something like, well you've been through this life-changing journey, you appreciate life more now. And I replied, no, I always appreciated life. I see treatment as something I had to get through and I got through it, kind of like being in a bad car accident.
Everyone's experience is so different, I have a hard time with our society's idealization of the "the breast cancer journey."
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Raider Girl - that's it in a nutshell.
Momwriter, I could not agree more. That idealization, along with the assumption that this will somehow teach us to value life, health, our families, whatever really adds to the burden of the situation, for me at least.
Happy Spring, everyone. I hope you're all getting some sun and at least a taste of spring today.
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Kay - I wish there were a 'like' button for your post.
I'm sorry you're socked in - we are too, but, like you we've had a lot of spring already, so I'm not complaining. Besides which, it's sort of traditional for us to have crummy weather around the equinox - and we need rain, so I won't grumble if it happens, although it doesn't feel like it... Happy Spring anyway!
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kayb.....I never realized before reading your post that I should be ditching my un-enlightened friends and family. LOL and a good comeback when someone tries to tell you that you were an unappreciative, unhappy piece of $hit before BC.
MsP
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Does it bother anyone else to be told how courageous you are? Having cancer didn't suddenly give me courage--I just did what I needed to do to treat it.
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My standard answer to the "how are you" question is "almost perfect, how about yourself?". I have found that more often than not they start talking about themselves and they are happy and I quit listening. Or the "you look good". Answer - "did I look bad before?" IDIOTS!!!!!!
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BookWoman. I was and am scared every day. Nothing courageous about me for sure. We are endurers. When someone asks me how I am doing, I reply...."enduring it all"
MsP
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