Stupid comments ....
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Beatmon, at first, I was so taken aback by conversations that drifted into the "my mom/aunt/sister/friend had breast cancer, she suffered terribly/had chemo brain/died, that I'm ashamed to say I just stood there and took it. And then cried later.
I learned to kindly, but firmly, when I sensed the conversation was going that way, to hold up my hand and say, "I'm sorry, I need to change the subject, how 'bout them Broncos?" Other times I would quietly excuse myself and walk away.
There is absolutely no obligation to allow yourself to be verbally assaulted with images that will provoke fear or dread.
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Thj,
She didn't realize she is the "retard" in the family. Retarded in compassion.
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I told my parents about my diagnosis. My dad said, "Good! That's an easy one." My dad....
And then I decided to tell almost no one else. No pink and ribbons on social media, no pepto-bismal tshirts at a walk.
It's been great! I need help sometimes, and I've got a group of discreet family and friends to call.
Cancer is not my identity. ('Identity' just autocorrected to 'I'd titty' - perfect.)
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reading the many insensitive and stupid things people say, it could be that it is our current techno era - where so many don't have real social skills, just flap their lips to hear their voices.
Sort of like the oft used trite expressions from people who don't understand what real empathy is.....when saying nothing speaks volumes and is far more helpful.
I have told a few people - from my friends who are long term cancer winners, and who are totally positive, to family members who ..... are utterly astonishing in their lack of understanding.
If one more person tells me they bought pink to support me,I think I will scream....
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I've said it before and will undoubtedly say it again - the medical types who describe bc as a gift or who talk about how it shows us how strong we are/makes us stronger are the ones I truly want to go postal on. There is NO excuse for that kind of ignorant palaver coming from people who work with bc all the time. I know it's bad karma but I really, truly wish bc on some of them - why shouldn't they benefit from this gift they're so big on?
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Ditto to everything everyone has said before. What I hate the most are the Positivity Police. The ones who make you feel bad because you "insist on dwelling on the negative" and "refuse to move on" and "will bring it back on yourself" because you're not farting rainbows and butterflies all the time.
When I first got diagnosed, my SIL asked me if I wanted to meet her friend, who is "doing great.... she's only had a LITTLE SETBACK recently, it has spread to her bones. But she will be fine". My first reaction was, her poor friend, to have that kind of stupidity to deal with from one of her closest friends, on top of mets!!!!!
I have kind of isolated myself recently because people really don't want to hear when you're feeling bad. I don't know why they even ask me how I am, because when I tell them, their response is always, "Count your blessings, it could be worse. At least......(fill in the blank with some stupid platitude)".
And then I feel bad for feeling bad, because it is true, it could be worse, so why am I still "wallowing" in it.
Here is a great article I posted on Facebook for all the people who keep telling me that if I only "think positive" , I will be fine
http://medivizor.com/blog/2015/04/30/positive-thin...
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Junk punch for Kbella's brother ordered
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Debic-Read it.
LOVED IT!!!
Thank you so much. Helps take some of the pressure and stress off, which actually does harm!
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"Easy cancer," "little setbacks" and "farting rainbows."
I'm so glad ya'll are here. You make me laugh, nod in understanding, and your friends/family/acquaintances (and mine) make my jaw drop.
Thank you
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Interesting article, indeed.
I was ALWAYS a positive person, and in my mind I would live to 85 - I don't know, just sounded like a good age to me. I would imagine things like my grandchildren graduating, etc...
BLIND-SIDED!!!!!!
Now it's reality and the pervasive sadness that my body has betrayed me, and I truly don't know if I will see 5, 10 or 15 years. That notion of living to 85 probably won't happen.
So much for that life-long positive attitude I had.
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Jilly, hugs! I sure hope that you can see that long horizon of 85 as time passes. For me, it was not so much changing my idea of how long I would live, it was facing the fact that breast cancer was the most likely thing to take me out. I'm not sure why I didn't feel that way when I was diagnosed with Hypertension......I guess it is the "C" word.
MsP
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Yes, MsP...it's the "C" word. They can pretty much fix and control diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, etc.. (not to minimize them).
There's no cure. Period.
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Mrs. P
DH and I are childless. We wonder who will chose our nursing home and neither wants to be here alone.
He came up with a plan, When we are 90+ we are going to lie down on the yellow line in the middle of the road and wait the the Peter-built.
Seems as good a way to go as any .
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Oh Lordy, Raider Girl. When I read that the Peterbilt was going to take you two young'ns out, I almost wet myself. I guess as long as you are holding hands???? Seriously though, my MIL passed recently. She was 96 and had a pretty healthy life all the way to the end, except for mild dementia. She actually fell, broke her arm and the surgery and hospitalization for that was what did her in. But that's not the story.....My MIL was very frugal, more so than she needed to be. She was in a very nice assisted living facility and would miss her hair appointments because the stylist raised her prices. She would also do without anything that cost "extra". So when we found out about that, we made arrangements with the facility to send us the bills and tell Ma that everything was included. The coolest part was when she told us how wonderful the facility was and commented about how everything was FREE!!! What a way to go, thinking you are at an all inclusive resort.
Now Raider Girl, we can't allow you to lay down on the center line...we would miss your humor!!!
MsP
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Deblc - great article - thanks for sharing! Also love the line about farting rainbows and butterflies...LOL!
MsP - how awesome you all paid for those things for your MIL so she could enjoy herself and think everything was included...that is one of the sweetest, most giving and loving gestures I have ever heard about. You must surely smile whenever you think about the joy you gave her!!
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Hey, read this from the beginning, nice to see some familiar names.
When I get the how ARE you doing question, I say good! If they keep it up, I say, well, I'm lying through my teeth. I'm really lousy, but it takes to long to tell, and nobody really cares.
And this was on Warm &Fuzzy
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Hi, spookiesmom! Must say I got a chuckle from the rant you posted!
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MsP
Loved the all inclusive resort. My friends mom has dementia, lives in a nursing home. She believes she lives in a hotel. She will complain that she doesnt like her room. The staff puts a different spread on the bed and moves one piece of furniture. She thinks they moved her and is satisfied. Two weeks go by and it starts again. Nice to age believing you live at the Ritz Carlton.
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I have a rant on something that a "friend" said early on after my dx. She swore to me that she would be here for me, every step of the way. She wanted to help me anyway I needed and would be honored(yes she said honored) to walk thru everything with me.
Well, she showed up once before my surgery and I never heard from her again. Since my surgery was the day before Thanksgiving we had turkey a week early and invited friends and family...she didn't show up. I literally haven't heard from her at all and that was November 2013.
Last night I was looking on Facebook and saw her post a new profile pic and all these great pics of her and some friends at a ladies retreat a couple of months ago. I'm so pissed about this, my feelings are hurt, but mostly I'm pissed. I think I might delete her, I just feel like it was shitty. I know she probably got in over her head with her help offers, but seriously for her to just not say anything to me for this long??
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Tangranchris
Let it go.
She had diarrhea of the brain. She just spurted out whatever she thought at that moment without really thinking . She probably did not withhold anything, she never had the ability to Walk Thru It at all.
As for the ladies retreat, I wouldn't be able to help myself. I would comment "I had retreat too this year, A relaxing , reclining Chemo infusion chair, It's lovely, you should have been here"
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self explanatory
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RG......you sure know how to throw a junk punch. TangandChris, I agree with Raider Girl and Spookiesmom....let it go. I think it is mostly a vacant offer when people say, " Let me know what you need...anything at all. I'm here for you." When people say that to me, I have no expectations. And when I find myself wanting to say that to someone, I replace it with a specific offer of service with a specific time commitment....cleaning their house, watching their children or pets, laundry and ironing (which I love to do BTW)...something I know they would accept and would appreciate. I can't take away their illness or health worries, sadly.
MsP
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Funny, I was actually just watching Frozen on TV
Re Letting it go....I know that for my personal peace of mind I should let go of tons of crap. On the other hand I also sometimes have an uncontrollable need to call people out. Tang, I would SO comment on her FB picture as RG said, but in a totally passive aggressive way, like "Looks like you're having a great time, wish I could've been there". I would love to see if she responded !!!
(I still will never understand how people just disappear from our lives
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Please let me share the stupid comment made just 15 minutes ago.
My travel agent said " My niece is an oncologist and she says that BC is the best cancer to have because the breast is not a vital organ and once its cut out its gone"
Someone needs to resurrect the 45,000 patients that died in 2013 .
I nearly birthed a cow.
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I am always specific in my offers. I can't count the number of people that have said "whatever you need I will be there". I know who I can count on and those are the ones I call. The rest mean well but sometimes I think they are afraid I contagious.
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That's a surprisingly common attitude in the medical community. My surgeon told me I was lucky because he has seen many other ppl who have cancer in their organs. I guess it's true to some degree
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Since when is the breast not an organ? Its a glandular organ.
Its sad when we have to give an MD anatomy lessons.
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Tangranchris - delete her. Someone here once said you will find out who your friends and family are. I sure did.
Now is the time to purge toxic people from your life.
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I concur, get rid of the toxic. At least chemo- also toxic-gets rid of the cancer. One of my darling granddaughter's name us Jilly😆
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That's why Facebook has an option to unfriend people. I have had to do it myself.
You don't need her. Toxic people be gone!
JJ
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