Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Bite me is right! The sad thing is that the stupid comments keep coming years after treatment.
One thing I am a bit tired of is hearing everybody's cancer stories. Now that I have had cancer, for those that do know, they need to tell me about everyone else's cancer story. Sometimes it might just be a simple statement. Some people make me feel I need to be getting involved or giving advice to the friend of a friend of a friend who just got a dx with some type of cancer (whether bc or another cancer). Perhaps they are trying to figure out how to support a person they know with a dx and need some advice around that. In many ways, it keeps you back in the cancer world even as you are pushing to move forward.
One friend (who has moved into non-friend territory) goes on and on about other people's cancer stories. Her best friend and the husband both have had different kinds of cancer, then I had to hear multiple times about some woman a the company we used to work together at who was end stage. When the subject of my bc comes up, I am quickly told that "well you are done with all that!" Done with all that? I never bothered to explain the 5 year follow up process because she is not interested to hear about it. She is very uncomfortable around me now and I don't like the way I feel around her with any interactions we have. So I am just staying away from her and all those stories. She sees cancer all around her and is very fearful.
I had an experience with my PCP this week around some breathing issues I have been having and told her when anything is wrong, I always go to the "it could be mets" place in my head with any ache, pain or other health concern. She heard me though and took a chest X-ray. Nothing of concern there (yay), just dealing with some asthma. She took a huge worry away from me, and I thanked her. It allowed us to go on to decide what I need to do to get the asthma under control. She and my MO get the emotional part of this, the BS is very clinical so forget it. Doctors can really suck at understanding this stuff too.
I won't justify my feelings to anyone. This is who I am, take it or leave it.
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I am 64 with an 88 year old mother - who has convenient amnesia, sporadic dementia, but who doesn't know about my diagnosis. I won't tell her because it would end up being all about her and how SHE feels. The empathy gene missed her apparently.
I have told two friends who are themselves survivors, I shared" my news with several close family members and the guy who has done my hair for years - in case I need follicle assistance.
I got a bit ticked at the "if they got it all why do you need rads/meds/etc" comments and decided to say no more.
Bottom line: I am done talking except to those who are supportive and with me for the long haul. My Facebook Friends list is shorter now.
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NCDi -
That's the comment I hear most often and can't stand the most..."didn't they get it all?".
Your mom sounds just like mine. Mine passed away in 2008 but if she were alive that's exactly how she'd be. Whenever I mentioned a difficulty I was having, whether medical, emotional or financial, it was always "You think YOU have problems, well the lady down the street, blah, blah, blah"...she always skipped right over my little issue. Sigh.
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Me too on the mom front! My mother passed in 2012 and I was glad she was on the other side when I got my dx. I stopped telling her anything of significance around problems in my life long before she passed. My mother had the empathy gene, just not for me.
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ohhh sounds like my mother!! when I called to let her know about the biopsy results her response was "oh really but guess what we're getting ready to go have lunch with the Governor." After that it was pointless to talk to her.
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I guess I'm pretty thick-skinned and tend to believe most people mean well-like my best friend who said "Well, now your insurance company will have to pay for you to get new boobs" when I told her of my diagnosis. She was trying to get me to laugh and I did because (a) she's my best friend and (b) she's been trying unsuccessfully for the last 10 years to get her husband to pay for new boobs for herself. At 51 and 53 we'd both joked in the past about getting new boobs, so.........And then she cried with me.
And there is my co-worker who asks me at least twice a week how I'm feeling and reminds me that everyone in his church is praying for me. When you live in the Bible Belt that happens, and he truly means well.
I survived last October, but barely. A co-worker gave me a "Save the Ta-Tas" T-shirt. Yuck! It went in the trash as soon as I got home, but October brings out that kind of stuff so I rolled with it although it was tough. I was never so glad to see the end of October!
But this one really bothers me. I was recently at our local bank branch and moved a fair amount of money from my savings to my checking account. The teller who has known me only as a bank customer for many years and who I frequently find overly friendly asked me if I was going to do some major shopping. I told her "no I have some major medical bills to pay." Then she asked if I'd been ill. I explained I was diagnosed with BC last fall. She then looked directly at my chest and said, "So did they cut one of them off?" I replied " No they just took a big chunk out of one" and then marched out of the bank before she could say anything else. That was last week and I'm still pretty steamed. That wasn't someone meaning well, it was just............ I don't know what it was, but it was rude if nothing else and I still can hardly believe she said that to me. What is wrong with some people!
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Labelle, how insensitive and unprofessional of your bank teller. In the first place, it was none of her business why you were transferring money. That isn't her job to question why or what you plan to do with the money. The second part of the questioning .. well .. I just don't know. How awful some people are. If it was me and I ever had to encounter this person again and she stared at my chest, I'd have to stick out my chest and ask her just what she was looking at.
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Same thing you'd say to a jerk guy.
My eyes are up here.
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LaBelle- I agree the bank teller was unprofessional on every level. Next time you get one of those customer service survey's from your bank on "how are we doing?", let them have it.
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labelle - Yikes!! What nerve of some people. I always feel caught by surprise by these types of remarks/questions. Afterwards I am so frustrated with myself that I didn't respond the way I would have preferred. It's like my brain is in shock processing the rudeness of the person but we really are not required to tell them anything personal - it is none of their business. I know there are some ladies here who so are much quicker with snappy replies. I sure could use some lessons from them. LOL!!
Someone like Shirley MacLaine in Steel Magnolias comes to mind!!
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The bank teller wins the prize for most intrusive and unprofessional comment of the week, maybe the month.
This thread is easily my favorite on this site. But I should be honest and share a stupid comment of my own from some years back, well before my own diagnosis. I was visiting a longtime friend who was recovering from breast cancer treatment --doing fine now, I'm glad to say. At that time, I had a close family member with another type of cancer (we would lose him to it one year later), and my friend was describing to me her experiences with chemo, as a way of demystifying it and reassuring me. She mentioned the hair loss, which made me feel both sympathetic and frightened at the same time, if you can understand that. I did what I sometimes do in such uncomfortable situations: blurt out something that's intended to be funny but misses by a mile, and asked her husband, "was it sexy?" "No," he said curtly.
I think my friends were willing to cut me some slack because of what I was going through then, but I still cringe inwardly when I remember that. After my diagnosis, my friend took the time to share her story with me in great detail; I was & am grateful for that kindness, and I hope that she and her husband have forgotten my stupid comment. It's left me with a little more patience with some of the dumb and uninformed stuff people say when I tell them about my situation.
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I guess now I'm wondering if this bank teller would have asked these questions to a long time male customer? How would that male customer responded? It speaks volumes for how our society perceives breast cancer patients.
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Larkspur- I can relate to your experience as I think back to some interactions with my cousin's wife who was diagnosed in her 30s with BC about 25 years ago. Our family was dealing with a family crisis with my brother being very ill and remembering tell her I how I wanted to support her, but things were very hard for me. She was very kind and said she understood, but later thought to myself "why did you say that? Hard for you? What were you thinking?" Well, after that I told myself I needed to find a way to let them know I cared without overwhelming myself any further. I used to send her get well cards so she knew I cared. She was the first person I ever knew who had BC.
My dear cousin's wife went through many re-ocurrences with bc until she lost her battle in 2010. I found out while talking to one of my other cousins and inquiring about her. "Oh didn't we tell you, she passed last summer." We live far away from each other at this point, but I felt so badly I did not know. I reached out immediately to my cousin to let him know I had just found out. He later came out my way for a visit and he talked about everything they went through in the final years. I just listened. We had a lovely visit and remember hearing the world "finding my new normal" for the first time. There were no hard feelings for those stupid comments long ago, just a lot of compassion and love through a very tough time for that family. Thank god for forgiveness! Life is good for him now. He remarried in 2013, and I have seen him and his new bride several times.
I think your friends gave you some slack as we do to many these days. It sounds like your friends understood your circumstances at the time just as my cousins did mine. We all had some context around each others lives, right? I still hear dumb comments from people who care about me but don't understand the post bc world. I cut them slack because I know they care, they have proven it, but just don't have the perspective around this disease. We all seek to be understood, but not everyone will.
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My BIL...the one married to DH's sister...told me it was early cancer, but people still die from it. Thanks, I don't worry enough about that. He also gave me a card for $25 at a coffee shop. I don't drink coffee, with the exception of an occasional pepermit mocha frappe. On the other hand my MIL was shocked to find out I had BC again...dementia really sucks.
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TJH....dementia can be a good thing if the only thing you can't remember are bad things. Sadly dementia doesn't discriminate when it comes to memories.
I hope that you will be able to mend your relationship with BIL. Actually I wish more people were as educated as he about breast cancer; I guess we should hope for knowledge with a filter, though. The thing I always have on my resolve list at New Years is to have increased sensitivity and a stronger filter. This will probably be one of the last things I overcome.
MsP
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One of the dumbest comments:
"Im so glad they caught it early!"
---After I just told them I was stage IV!
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OMG Lynn1234, What did you say in reply? I mean, did they "catch it" early in the MORNING? Or what? That's terrible.
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Ouch!!!!!!
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Lynn....oh my! Surely this person doesn't make any decisions and/or handle sharp objects. Unbelievable how anyone could miss the impact of a stage 4 diagnosis. I guess we have to chalk that one up to extreme pink-washing, where every BC diagnosis is early stage, everyone gets a cure....and a pink T shirt. Dumb, just dumb!
MsP
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Lynn -
Wow. Just wow.
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Pharoah- "pink-washing". I like that.
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Jilly59 - I phone my Mum every Sunday - she lives in Scotland, where I was born. She is as healthy as a horse other than being a bit skaky on her legs but she has a lot of support to allow her to live alone.
Every week she tells me how bored she is, how she doesn't have a life and, "how she never expected to live this long"......
And I think how can she be so unappreciative of her life and, how healthy she is. Utterly sickening. But as they say, we can choose our friends..,.,family not so much.
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Lynn, the ONLY excuse for this person is that they have no idea what Stage IV means. I remember before my dx a friend told me her husband was dx with Stage IV colon cancer. I had NO idea what "stages" were but knew it was serious from the way my friend said it. I never say "Stage IV" to non-medical people. I say "metastatic" and then explain what that means. Even then I have friends who ask when I'll be done with "this" chemo. I think they just keep hoping that some day I'll be cured.
Nope.
Leah
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I think part of it is fear. Fear of sickness, death, how to deal with or communicate with people. I do think the whole pink thing is part the issue as well.
On the humorous side my SIL told me today that if I took ginger I would not have any SE from chemo, I will not even lose my hair ...it's a miracle😀
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There are many people out there who have little understanding of medical treatments and procedures. They simply go along with whatever their doctor says without comprehending the dx. Breast Cancer gets "lumped" together for some people as a generic category applicable to all patients. They have no understanding of the different pathology or stages and therefore different treatment protocols. My mother had a "lump" removed about 15 years ago. Surgeon did a large excision from right nipple to under her armpit. Who knows what it was DCIS, IDC?? No other treatment given as she was in her mid-70's. She never saw an oncologist - only got a call back after something was seen on a mammogram then sent to a surgeon for removal. My mother was/is clueless and refers to it as a "lump" as the doctor called it. Sometimes ignorance is bliss....
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There used to be an arrogance in the medical profession that their treatments should not be questioned by we mere suffering mortals. Thankfully that is changing but, we have to dare to question because it is OUR bodies.
I remember in 1985 I was told I "needed" a hysterectomy at age 34. When I questioned why I was told "because that is the way we do things and I am the surgeon." I asked if there were Meds that could alleviate my monthly discomfort and was told that there were but what was the point as surgery would be required......eventually.
now, I drag out my legal pad with all my questions and concerns
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I mentioned a while back that I'd had a bad experience at a bra store in my town and had written the owner a long letter. It took her a while but she responded with a long thoughtful letter. She let me know that she has been working with the employee that treated me so poorly (twice) and they are using it as an opportunity for growth and change. She hopes I will return and understands if I do not want to interact with the employee. I'm glad because this is the only place in town to get a nice bra, and she also does LE sleeve fittings and takes care of insurance. It's nice to see my post-surgical hormonal moody bitchiness used for a good cause!
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This thread is so full of amazing stupidity on a daily basis, sometimes I can't stand to read it! Then, I get one myself.
A coworker in her 60s asked why I was so concerned about treatment, and I reeled off the list of side effects, including menopause and "vaginal atrophy." She said, "oh I just learned about that! A friend said that she went to answer the doorbell and it just FELL OUT! And she just stood there and pushed it back in!" (Complete with hand gestures to indicate what had fallen out from where, and how it had to be pushed back in....)
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Cheesequake- OMG! First of all, the "why are you so concerned about treatment" feels like one of those dismissive, enough about you, let's talk about me types. The vaginal story is unbelievable though. I hope you don't have to see her again (or very often!)
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Thanks Jazzygirl. Unfortunately, I see her multiple times daily. Usually she and I get along famously, but occasionally she is just.... wow. I think a lot of times it's just complete, ignorant unawareness of how sensitive we are to this kinda stuff.
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