Stupid comments ....
Comments
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As bad as the day was that I found out that I had breast cancer, the worst day of my life is the day I watched my son walk across the tarmac to board the plane for Iraq knowing full well that he may come home in a body bag inside a flag draped coffin. I am blessed that he came back alive both times he went. Not the same, but alive and still mentally healing. Losing a baby or a child...no matter how old they are they are still our babies...is a pain I can't even imagine. So welcome to our group NorthernCanuck and I am very sorry for your lose.
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Thank you tjh!
I'm having difficulty responding but I so totally appreciate your comments. Tomorrow is my sons birthday and he would've been 31. He was in the Canadian military as well, and was scheduled to go to Afghanistan within the month. The accident took him before that could occur. So, thanks again for your kind remarks. I find it interesting that my dx is the day before his birthday. Life seems to be like that.
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Jan69, it is the nephew's wife that has the problem for asking such a rude and personal question. WTH is wrong with her? Can't fix stupid.
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Northern Canuck, so sorry to hear of your lose. Birthdays are a tough time for me too. My daughter's is in 2 weeks.
I understand how difficult it is to respond appropriately at the death of a child. I received greeting cards with very odd sentiments (get well soon, etc.) from people who apparently couldn't say anything to me face to face. Tossed those quickly. But several dear friends quickly came over with envelopes of cash to help pay for the funeral. I can't express adequately how much we appreciated this and have tried to do the same when someone close has a death of a loved one.
As for that nephew's wife, yes, she's into everyone's business. She's raising a houseful of dysfunctional kids, so the stupid will likely continue.
Sweet dreams, Jan
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Northern- I am sorry for the loss of your son.
Hugs to all the ladies who have gone through the worst of the worst. My heart really goes out to you.
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NorthernCanuck -
Right, you may not have to worry about your hair. Do you know if you are ER positive, HER 2 negative? You may have the Oncotype done, which may eliminate the need for chemo, especially if you have a negative node.
It is a hairy, scary time, full of anxiety and sleepless nights, but it passes. Our life is never the same, and that brings me spells of sadness at times. You move on but the reminders are always there, even if it's just doctor appointments.
We are here for you!
PS: Loved Lake Louise, too! We are going back in 2017.
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hi everyone, I love this board. It's nice to see everyone encounters dumb comments. I was just DX May 1. The week after I was at home eating dinner with a few friends, and one of my "friends" looked over at me and asked "have you even cried yet? You don't even look upset." um..... really of course I cried is only been 4 days. But thanks for bringing it up on the one day I'm actally eating and able to have a conversion without breaking down. some people need to just think before they speak.
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ZZlady- I am sorry about your dx, and your dumb friend. I remember being very numb when I got diagnosed (I had already had the year from hell when bc came along so I was just emotionally shut down by then). I did not cry for a long time. That being said, I resented every time someone made a comment about how well or not well they thought I was doing.
If anything, the dumb comments will help you to know who will able to be there for you. So if your "friend" cannot be a friend, just push her to the outside for awhile. You can decide later if you want her back in your life. Not everybody does the cancer thing. It is not our job to make them feel okay about what is happening to us.
It looks like you are about to start chemo and hope you get through everything you need to with lots of good support from others.
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thank you jazzygirl, I really like when you said " It is not our job to make them feel okay about what is happening to us." this is so true. we all need to remember this. My sisters father in law has brain cancer, last night while talking to him he said this is our time to be selfish. We need to do what we want and not worry the small superficial things.
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A VERY wise man, take his words and use them.
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ZZ- managing other people's reactions to our dx and treatment process is one of the hardest things about any of this. The thing no one tells you either. You get lots of info from the docs about what to expect physically during and after treatment, but no one helps you to navigate some of the other things in life that are also challenging like relationships with others, your work, finances, and more. That is why these boards are so valuable, we can all help each other here with things we just figured out that work for any of us. Some of this is trial and error stuff.
And yes, it is your time to put yourself first. You may find that becomes the way you live afterwards too. And it's not a bad thing either. Self care is how we stay well.
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Very wise advice from Jazzygirl. Sadly under these circumstances is when you discover who is truly supportive versus who should be held at a distance. You have no control or influence how other people respond - only how you may allow them to upset you. Far easier said than done as words once spoken cannot be taken back. Regrettably some people like to be very involved in the emotional and psychological stress of the patient. They like being up close spectators without the vested involvement of truly helping and being supportive. I say keep these individuals at a distance as they only cause stress.
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I had my 90 day review for the job I started in February a couple of days ago. I had the first biopsy (stereotactic) two weeks after starting this job so basically ever since I started I've been dealing with "could it be cancer?" to "oh crap it's cancer." My supervisor said that my skills (I'm an RN) are great, they have no problem with how I do the job but they are going to add an additional 30 days of probation because ... get this ... I'm aloof, difficult to approach, a bit stand-offish and spend too much time on my cell phone. Ok one ... I'm dealing with a very difficult situation and sometimes I just don't want to talk to these people who for the most part just don't get it. And two, I'm on my cell phone at times to play a stupid game to get my mind off of what I'm dealing with and to stay awake at 3am when I've been up most of the day dealing with doctors and appointments and trying to figure out how to keep a roof over my head while I'm out of work after surgery. So I'm not on an additional probation because of my work skills I'm on additional probation for my social skills. Go figure.
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Tempy, I wish you the best and I hope the additional time flies by for you. I just got a new position, and I am scared that I am going to struggle learning the job because of my chemo brain. Yikes just trying to live is hard enough without all of the BC crap. I took a 10 PM to 10 AM shift just in case so I can schedule all of my appointments during the day and work all night. So more stress but I hope a good thing. One would think that the medical environment would be a little more understanding, but doesn't appear to be. But you got this, we just keep going no matter what. Good Luck! Cheryl
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Tempy: your supervisor obviously has been promoted above her empathy level. I guess she needs to walk in your shoes. Social skills are the thing these days, sadly. Show her this website and shut her up. She knows nothing of what is important.
Hang in there and blank her stupid comments out of your mind, replacing them with a picture of something that makes you laugh.
It's the important stuff that matters. Hang in there!0 -
Another month of trying to play nice nice with some of these people, playing "the game" for a time. If it weren't for the fact that I need the insurance and my team of "rock stars" (per the HR lady all of my doctors are the best they have within the healthcare system) I'd say screw it and find another job but yes social skills are more highly thought of versus hey can you rock at doing your job?
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Tempy- I can relate to you being called a lot on the cell by doc offices and remember going through that too, etc. I am self employed and had to juggle a lot without them finding out what was going on with me (never shared what was going on). I work in healthcare consulting and never have witnessed much empathy in an industry I would expect to have more. It was a slippery slope many days.
What I can say is if you need this job right now, do your best to keep things going. Do what you need to do right now to keep your income going and insurance in place. Once you are through treatment and more recovered, go find better people to work for. They can stick their crappy review where the sun don't shine.
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Jazzy - with the three types of cancer in the one biopsy the plan is for a NSBMX with immediate reconstruction sometime in July as I have to save up some time off so I can have some sort of check after surgery but won't have an income for quite a while. I'm going to have to stick it out and once I feel up to it start applying and interviewing for other jobs. Because I'll be off for more than two weeks I have to take a personal leave of absence and then when I come back may have to apply for another open position within the healthcare system I work for if my supervisor doesn't hold my position for me. Goofy situation but seems a lot of what this place does is assbackwards. Only good thing is that for cancer care, hope you have the team I have.
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Tempy- Sounds like you have your plan figured out. I am glad you have good care lined up. My care was very good as well.
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Tempy, I can relate to your situation. I have been at my job for 15 years. Last year was the hardest year of my life - Cancer dx, 3 surgeries, countless dr.'s appts., struggling with depression, fatigue, etc. My yearly raise was withheld and I was put on a 90 day probation because the doctors I work with (I work at an ophthalmology clinic) felt that I didn't seem happy at my job and I wasn't putting in my best effort. Some fellow employees felt I was, like you, stand-offish and didn't know how to approach me. Needless to say I was floored and really hurt that they would do that to me and couldn't put 2 and 2 together and have a little empathy for my situation. My 90 days was up over 3 weeks ago, and I have yet to meet with my supervisor to discuss the doctors' decision. I have been working on my resume...
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I am sorry your employers and coworkers are so unreasonable and ....sorry...cruel. I feel blessed with my coworkers and all they have done for me
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The spectator description is right on the money, cp. Do I ever wish I had known who to tell and who not to tell .. I just wasn't prepared, but none of us are prepared for this.
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Kittysister- I agree, you never know how people will react. I told a selected few to keep it private for professional reasons and of the 12 or so I told (including family and friends), two of them could not deal with it. If I had told more, I am sure I would have had more stupid comments.
One friend kept asking me how I was doing during rads treatment, and when I said I was struggling with fatigue, I got a BIG lecture about how I must be depressed, but certainly had the "right to be" with everything I was going through. I told her "I am not depressed, I am fatigued from rads treatment, you clearly don't understand." I stopped talking to her. She later surfaced saying "she was sorry we had lost touch." I wasn't, and just let that one go. The friendship was on the way out anyways......
The other friend was somewhat helpful during the time of dx and with some rides, etc. from the hospital. Last year, she told me she had been talking about some of my health issues with her card group. Supposedly not about my bc dx, but never really sure. I was stunned, I asked her specifically to not discuss my health with anyone and re-iterated it when she told me. No friend does that. I let that one go recently too. I cannot be friends with someone I cannot trust.
Life has a way of showing you who can and will show up for you. Pay attention and be grateful to those folks, park the others for awhile and/or let anything go that does not support what you need.
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So, this weekend I encountered a shocking display of selfishness and low down behavior. I was at a family wedding and ran into the fiancé/bf of a woman that I know is going thru BC treatment. We aren't close, but I have reached out to her and we've talked a few times about what she is going thru. We chat on Facebook and text as well....so I knew she had undergone a MX at the beginning of May. When I ran into her fiancé at the wedding I asked how she was doing, he proceeds to tell me that they are no longer dating and that he has only been a "moral support" to her the last 6 months. In addition to that he had met a new woman a month ago and they had gotten married 3 days earlier.
I was FLOORED and taken aback. I mean seriously it was so awkward and shocking to me that he had the gall to show up to this family wedding like that. I was speechless!
His "moral support" sucks, clearly.
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Honestly, how tacky can he BE? That would have left me speechless too! I hope she is ok.
Jazzy, I wish I had been more careful. I announced my upcoming surgery on facebook, but I did it to request prayers. Afterwards, I was shocked that my best friend from childhood never commented back. Others didn't either, but that didn't bother me as much as my "former" best friend. And I agree, you can never know who's really talking behind your back about your diagnosis, treatment, future, all of it. Jaws like to flap. You can't be too careful! I see that now.
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Tang- wow, that story is a really awful one. There are many stories here of women on these threads whose husbands, boyfriends, etc. have left them when they got diagnosed.
Sounds like he was not really in anything for the long haul. She deserves better. I would have been speechless too.
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What a tacky jack ass! Hopefully Karma will bite him!
I can't imagine having a partner or husband that wasn't supportive. My DH has been fantastic, he just wants me healthy.0 -
Really?? He did what? Junk punch him. Obviously he thinks his brain is in the same location, that's how he thinks!
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Beach- junk punch him, perfect!
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Tang: that guy deserves a junk punch for sure. How is your friend doing?
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