Stupid comments ....
Comments
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If you can believe it, I'm getting blamed for her finding out. It's kind of a long story, but she told me that he had left her for another woman and I said I knew since I'd seen them at the wedding together. She went to the family with it and told them I told her and now they are mad at me. I'm really pissed about this whole thing....uggggggg. He's the one that did wrong!!
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visited family (my husband's family) some of whom have pretty much avoided husband and I like we have the plague since diagnosis .any who we traveled 7hours by car with 6month old son to be with family and celebrate me finishing treatment( its a big fricken deal) and introduce the little guy as many had yet to meet . My husband's brother and his wife ( the avoiders) looked pissed off as soon as we arrived did not acknowledge our son , the brother did not say a word to me his wife only comment was she wishes she could just shave her head because she hates her hair right now.....they stayed for maybe 20 min. I'm so pissed and hurt right now hoping venting anger here will stop me from writing a very snarky email right now
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What is wrong with people!?!?!?!?!?! NurseShark, it would be hard not to say something, but I suppose it wouldn't do much good other than to get it off your chest.
T&C, she is SO better off without that guy! Drama King!
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NurseShark - I'd say that in some way we all see who is worth our time, effort and love in this. Those people are clearly not worth your time or your emotions... we only have so much time to spend in this world. When people show you they are not worth your time, it is a blessing! Go spend it on someone who cares!
The worst things so far said to me were from my MIL, who we did not tell about my diagnosis until several weeks after my mastectomy. Her response? "Oh, well I didn't want to tell you but the last time I saw you, you were looking so drawn. I was wondering if something was wrong with you". Incidentally, my father had just died a month before. Maybe that's why I wasn't looking my best? When I said not to worry, that her son was taking very good care of me, she turned to my husband and said "well, that's good because some day you're going to have to take care of me". Suddenly my cancer turns into an imaginary death-bed illness that my husband has to care for her for!
Some people are just about themselves!!
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NurseShark, I can't believe that you didn't feel loved, supported and comforted by your husband's family. Maybe you should have pulled out your shears and given that beyotch a haircut??? Don't you wonder about the personality of someone who doesn't ooooo and awwwww over a baby??? Junk punching in-laws is always tricky. I vote for your husband doing the dirty deed.
Hoptimistic, my late MIL was the most self centered person I have ever known or will ever know. Everything was always about her to the point that I stopped sharing anything with her many many years ago. I never shared my triumphs or my challenges because it just didn't matter. She never seemed to notice that I never shared, so we just had a cordial, superficial relationship. I could never figure out how a child of the depression could be so selfish and so pretentious. She has been a role model for me in the sense of what to never say or do to my SIL and DIL (who I dearly love). .
To all the ladies who have told others about their diagnosis, treatment, etc. and regretted it, I am sending a big hug your way.
Love, MsP
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Tang- I am sorry you got pulled into all that drama and blamed for a situation that has nothing to do with you. Time to get some space from all those people. I have known people in my life who get all rugged with me about something when in reality, they are just not willing to be mad at the person that has really wronged them. That is when I step out of the picture. That young woman has some things to work out about what really happened and maybe she will with time, but it does not have to be on your watch either. I hope she is doing okay and getting through her treatment. I hope you can find a way to keep in touch if you want to without being in her firing zone.
NurseShark- those people don't appreciate the effort you made to see them. They should be happy to see you and to see a baby that came along during a pretty difficult time from the sounds of it. That is another 7 hour drive you won't need to do again. I know it hurts and I am sorry. I hope you are continuing to do well and your baby is strong and healthy. These are the things that really matter.
Hoptomistic (love that by the way) - your MIL is a piece of work. I am sorry you got your dx after your father's passing. My sister got her dx 4 months after my mother passed and mine was two months later. It was a brutal year for our family and no doubt has been for yours as well. I am glad your husband it taking good care of you. You will get through this.
Kitty- I have heard some real horror stories about what people have done with dx info on Facebook. Some people are going to just run away, go silent, etc. Others are going to talk it up like it can never happen to them. I happen to know some very deep secrets of the woman who betrayed me and won't do anything with those, but when someone else betrays her, I won't feel sorry either. Karma, baby.
One thing about stupid comments I figured out is that it shows you how much people don't know about cancer. That is not one disease but many. It also shows you their beliefs about cancer and who gets it or not.
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All,
I just fell into this group and saw this thread. I had my surgery last week, and waited until after the surgery to take it public. The family members we did tell were told in no uncertain terms to keep it off of social media until I was ready to share it (I have that one relative who will over share for the sympathy vote!).
I really wanted to control my message, and was able to do just that. I lost a high school classmate to this awful disease, and she was an author and prolific blogger. That isn't me. I crafted a short and serious message (shared below). It was well received, and there were no inappropriate comments that I have seen.
Last Friday I had surgery to remove an early stage breast cancer from my right breast. I also had several lymph nodes removed. My prognosis is excellent, and I am very grateful
for the support of my family, friends, and medical team.I am not asking for pink ribbons, or tears. But, if you are over 40, or have a family history (I didn't) I beg you to get your annual mammogram. That was how mine was found, and it was so small I couldn't have found it myself.
This is all I will be publicly saying about this. If you would like to know more, or if I can answer any questions, message me. Thanks, and make your appointment!
I wish you all the best in your recoveries and treatments. It isn't a road a chose, but it i the one I'm on.
Wendy
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These stories are incredible. And MM, that was well written. I wish I had written mine after the fact. Part of what I didn't know then!
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That is almost exactly message I gave the principal to share with my co-workers. That way they had the facts and not thier version of the facts. It was impossible to hide it since there has to be a long term sub in my room, so I am very obviously not at school. So the option of not saying something wasn't there.
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Tangandchris - that is just crazy that somehow YOU got blamed for that guy being a complete jerk?!?!?! Wow...unbelievable
Nurseshark - so sorry you had to put up with that nonsense from your brother in law and his wife. You should have been able to go and enjoy your celebration.
Hop - I always loved (and actually still do love) the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I get such a laugh from watching it - mostly because Marie did so many things that reminded me of my late MIL! Hang in there!
Midgiemoon - your message is great - hope your recovery is going smoothly!
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The latest stupid comment...As my hair is falling out In handfuls...I know they mean well, trying to make me feel better about it..."It will grow back". No shit, that doesn't mean I choose to be bald. I hate it and it totally sucks. Sorry, I am done with my morning vent😨
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tjh, sympathies for sure, I remember that time so vividly. Losing my hair was the hardest thing for me. So many people said things like "it's only hair, it will grow back," etc., but that was so not helpful!
Making jokes about how much money I was saving on shampoo, and quicker showers, and not needing to shave, etc., was one of the ways I dealt with it, but if anyone else had said those things to me, I would not have appreciated it one bit. I had to get to that point in my own time.
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I was watching the Roosevelts series again by Ken Burns on PBS. I am sure some of you have seen it, but something struck me about the segment I saw recently where Franklin, who had such struggles with his legs and feet after polio, created the Warm Springs rehab center in Georgia (which now the Roosevelt Institute for Therapeutics) and how he spent his time with others afflicted with polio and other disabling maladies.
One thing that struck me this time is how he said he could joke around with those there about the disability, but that only those in "that club" could do so, no one else. I think cancer is the same way, I hear women here joking about things here around what we have gone through, but others don't have the right to make comments or jokes about what we go through, right? We are definately in our own club now.
I think loosing hair is a very tough part of cancer treatment. When my sister told me she was doing chemo (before my dx), my response was "do you want me to go with you to help find a wig that may be good for when you are working?" She got a wig for work as well as a baseball cap with hair around the edges for her off work time. She just gave one of her wigs to a friend gong through chemo again due to a re-occurrence. BC sisters helping other bc sisters.
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The hair was the hardest for me also. I cried from the first day a handful came out to the day I had it shaved off. When my husband got home from work, he just laughed, as I was crying and said that we looked alike now, but I had the advantage that my hair would grow back. He didn't care, bald or not, boobs or no boobs, he still loves me. My hair has grown back really thick and curly and now he calls me "Curly". What a guy, I think I will keep him for another 32 years.
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Jazzy, I agree,, those of us in the club, can make jokes,,,, outsiders,, not so much.Nomatterwhat,,, he sounds like a keeper!
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How is this one?
My first teaching job almost immediately after 6 chemo's. I felt strong enough, wore a nice wig and sufficient make up to make up for the missing eyebrows and eyelashes.
During the cofferbreak one of the older women came to me and said:
- can I ask you something personal?
-sure, go ahead!
- have you been seriously ill, or...?
- hmm..now that you are asking, I just finished my last chemo sip..
- gosh!! I knew it!! You look just like my husband, who died of lung cancer 6 months ago!
- hmm.. Okay, well I am so sorry for you
Hilarious, don't you think??
Marie (with lashes, brows & short cut, looking as if she were 35 instead of 58 hahahah)0 -
Even us insiders can cross the line! I was at dinner with a bunch of friends for my birthday. It was a nice restaurant and we were all dressed up -- it was so nice to feel fancy. A mutual friend that also had hip flap reconstruction happened to be at the restaurant and started making jokes about how she and I can flash and moon people at the same time. That joke would be so much funnier if (1) I hadn't heard it so many times in the past 3 years and (2) if I wasn't out trying to have a nice time and (3) if it wasn't in front of people that aren't in the club. It made me feel awful, and she picked up on it. She was a little buzzed and kept saying that she'd crossed a line and ruined my night, but I just wanted her to drop it. That said, I can still say the awkward thing too, so I understand. But seriously, I'm sick of jokes about my reconstruction. I'm covered with scars and numb in so many places, and it all just freaking sucked.
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Dang LAStar. You needed a break from the cancer stuff and sorry your friend could not be more sensitive. People who have not been through it would not appreciate the humor, would be confused by that, made to feel uncomfortable, or need that whole thing explained to them. I am glad you said something to her.
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so I'm telling the story of how I got Kris, my other dog. I said I was doing chemo and couldn't deal with Spookies coat, and had her at the groomer.
Her: oh. Are you a survivor?
Me: thinking, no I'm a ghost talking to you.
Her: my friend was just dx'd with lung, liver and brain cancer. She's Stage IV.
Oh. So sorry to hear that.
Duh.
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Hi ladies- I remembered this article I found in a cancer publication back in 2013 when I was doing rads. I found a link on line and you might find this helpful.
I was glad I found this while I was in treatment and found it to be very true, and it is the root of many of the stupid comments we get from others.
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Spookie- I hear those cancer stories from those who know. Oh you had breast cancer, let me tell you about so and so, or someone who I know who died from cancer. The friend who betrayed my confidence about my health issues would tell me endless stories about people from an old job who have cancer, or someone else who had cancer, or just about anyone on the planet she knows who has or had cancer. Even after treatment and recovery, I realized she never once said to me "and how are you doing?" Thus, someone easy to just let go of.
This is my favorite Emily McDowell card.
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I think I just shouldn't have said anything. I'll be seeing more of her, but only at the dog park. Doubt this will blossom any farther than there, but we do sit and yak while the dogsplay.
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Jazzy, Thank You for 4 things! I wish I had read it sooner. Cheryl
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Great post, Jazzy -- I will be referring that one to friends.
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Spookie- I have learned to just say to people "I prefer not to talk about it" if I don't think they can have a normal conversation about the subject.
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Jazzy - great article and card! And a good comeback to say "I prefer not to talk about it" - I will have to remember that one!
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Sigh.
How many times do I need to explain? I even put links to an article about lymphedema on Facebook in March (Lymphedema Awareness Month) thinking to educate my friends and family a bit .....
But a lady I sing with today: So, how's your arm doing?
Me: OK.
She: How long do you think you will have to wear that sleeve for?
Me: Uh, it's a lifelong condition. Can't be cured, just managed to hopefully prevent it getting too bad.
She: Oh, I'm sorry. You probably told me that before?
Me (Inside voice only!): So quit asking already!
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Morwenna- I call that "when are you going to be done with all that" comment. I have heard them whole life around any difficult situation. The early death of a sibling. The medical crisis and decline of an elderly parent, and of course, my own bc. It is unfortunate people can just be present with what is. I think you have done more than your part to make people understand. Time for the "I don't want to discuss this again/further/anymore." It really does shut people up!
I am sorry to hear about your L and hope you are taking good care of yourself.
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This was on the Flat & Fabulous FB page - I thought it was great!
Well - the picture shows up when I edit the post, but it doesn't when I get out of it. It says:
"I'm sorry dear, In order for you to insult me, I must first value your opinion. Nice try though."
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Mel- LOL!
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