Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Solfeo, you hit the nail on the head. I find that when you tell people, except for a couple of chosen few, you're just asking for trouble. I have a couple of colleagues who know, and lately they have been really impatient as I am not dead yet. They're constantly asking me how I feel or whether I've heard more from the doctors (obviously not since I haven't been back to the hospital since June and they're not gazing into a crystal ball and then calling me to tell me 'you will be dead by Christmas') or telling me I look tired, I should exercise (like registering for a marathon), I should eat less meat, I should drink less coffee, I should treat myself and eat cakes, I should go to church, I should move house closer to work ('why not move into a houseshare, you would have people to talk to in the evening?' - considering the tenant turnover in houseshares, before long, half the town would know I have bc) etc. If I find them articles on Pubmed, they hand them back to me as they find them 'too complicated'.
Like Ruska, the other day, another of my colleagues smugly remarked 'oh, you are really not smiling today'. I had only slept 2 hours that night because of back and leg pains (and, of course, when you are awake from 3am onwards with such pain, you wonder about bone mets), and I had 3 clients who seemed to have agreed to make my day a misery (you know, the 'which cock-up do I sort out first?' kind of day). Gosh, did I feel like hitting her...
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Frankly I am putting all the stupid comments in one basket labeled "SELF ABSORPTION" - these are the same people that have made the Kardashians famous!
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OH Sandy, that is about the best cut, I've heard
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Sandy, your comment about Kardashiants family is so true!!! Can't stop laughing! You are so right !
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Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they say. Years ago when a college sorority sister of mine had her bc dx at 29 (after years of fibrocysts and a strong family hx), I had no idea how to talk to her and what to say--I grew up at a time and in a culture where the word “cancer" was whispered, as if to stay out of earshot of the Evil Eye (or Ear). She & I lived 1000 miles apart, which made it tougher too--she kept working even as she had two toddlers to raise. But she was very candid, as if she'd heard all the stupid remarks before (and probably made a few when younger). She was forthcoming about each stage of her treatment and clear about her chances (which would have been far better today, 33 years later).
Part of the problem with stupid things people say to cancer patients is that secrecy I mentioned earlier.--especially among those of us for whom heart disease claimed most of our loved ones, and well into old age at that. In the past, many people didn't learn their friends & loved ones had cancer until hair loss from chemo, or even until their loved ones were clearly terminal. (Diagnosis wasn't as early then, either, and there were few or no life-extending treatments for Stage IV--so often patients themselves didn't even learn they had cancer until there was little they could do about it). Compounding this was the way popular culture portrayed cancer (the “Love Story Syndrome") as a consistently inevitable brave downhill battle, with the patient deteriorating imperceptibly by minute degree until she ended up looking pale but still beautiful on her deathbed. Movies (even TV series with medical advisors, who should know better) portrayed all cancer patients as bald and emaciated---so that's how people expect us to look no matter what stage we are or the kind of treatment we're getting. Heck, I had assumed I would be that way too, and feel like shit--I had never considered that, but for the side effects of radiation, I might still feel healthier than in years (just as at dx) despite being the sickest I've ever been. When people tell me I look great, I take it as a compliment so long as they don't add “for someone with cancer." (I know I don't look as good as I did before I began regaining more than half the weight I'd worked for over two years to lose, but that I do look better than before I started the diet and had my knees replaced).
But there may be another factor at play: people are afraid. Not of catching our cancers--nobody's THAT stupid anymore. No, it's because cancer struck us out of the blue like a mugger jumping out of an alley. They see that we got cancer for no apparent reason, and are terrified they can get it too (and to be accurate, some will). So the magical thinking begins: "I don't smoke, drink a lot, take hormones, eat badly, etc., tempt fate, or have a family history, so I won't get it. But SHE got it, so it must have been something she did or didn't do." Or sometimes they really DON'T know what to say and automatically stick their feet in their mouths. Remember, that for many of us there was a time when we, too, were clueless.
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When I stopped wearing a wig or scarf, my hair was very short, like less than an inch. My hubby's friend cracked me up by saying....You rock that look. All you need are a tattoo and a few piercings. At the ripe old age of 72, the only tattoos for this lady are the ones left over from rads! Love, Jean
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Yes, I wish I had told fewer people, too. I agree it strikes fear in most women and SOME times they just are at a loss for words. MAYBE they were afraid of saying the wrong thing .. or maybe not. I could never be sure. Jean, your hubby's friend said the right thing!
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I am not sure how you get by without telling family and co-worker. I work at a large middle school and being gone 12 weeks last year and coming back wearing scarves and hats needed an explanation. But they have been fantastic...I didn't cook supper for 8 weeks after surgery, they had a meals on wheels for me and when summer started they chipped in gave us $500. in restaurant gift cards. They don't focus on it, nor ask questions. But we have always banded together when one of us is sick.
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When I had my first mastectomy 19 years ago, I was back in the office after being off for quite a while recovering. Walking down a hall way to a meeting one of my male colleagues looked me in the eyes then down to my chest and said, "Oh, just half happy to see me?"
What a moron.
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Frazoo, I am so sad that you had to deal with that moron. unbelievable!!
MsP
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Frazoo, sometimes people say stupid things without even thinking what they are saying. But this guy was probably trying to be funny. It's so hard for us handle the diagnosis and loosing part of our body , not knowing what the future will bring us... And some people trying to make a joke out of it....
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"Oh, just half happy to see me?"
Wow. Just ... wow.
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I had such stupid comments from a stranger that I just felt more bad for her than upset on my own behalf. I'm glad I don't have to live in her head!
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i could understand coworkers saying stupid stuff but friends and family yikes.
I got one for you, while driving my mother to my house she said to me I got breast cancer because I drank beer and didn't have children. WTF really well that would be half the population since at diagnosis I was 36! My own mother a moron. SMH
I do love the people who compare their own medical issues like it's a game. Wanna smack those fools. I can also do without the oh yeah my 70 yr mom had that she died.
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fter having 2 separate mastectomies this year due to cancer the doctor ordered genetic testing. I was telling my sister I might have to have a hysterectomy too. She asked if I would be a man after all these surgeries!! And she is normally very bright. 😡😡
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Wow Marie
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Thankfully my team of doctors, especially my genetic counselor, are all very comforting and considerate of my feelings. But some members of my family don't really understand what cancer means and they say things like "We all have cancer in our bodies and we don't know it" or "How could you not do reconstruction!?" or the one relative who thinks the entire medical system is a lie, and that cancer is created by the government.
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Don’t get me started on those who tell me to spurn treatment because it’s all a plot by the “Cancer Industry” and Big Pharma. (Not to mention the idiots who think I got b.c. from wearing bras--underwire or not--and using antiperspirant).
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Cancer is created by the govt?? Wow,, that is really out there. So all the governments in the world are in cahoots to give us cancer,, since cancer is everywhere,,, and has been for centuries.
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Yes, all governments are in cahoots with regulatory bodies to keep us from the cure that was discovered years ago. Yes, I heard that one recently at a social gathering. Yes, I saw other people accepting it without question. Yes, I wanted to bang my head against the nearest wall. The screamin' stupid was unbelievable, but I decided that - since it was a social occasion - I would just suck it up and not embarrass my hostess.
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I've loved, and cringed, reading all of these comments! I can forgive the people that you can tell just don't know what to say. I've found men say the dumbest things by far. A male friend asked me why I just don't go ahead and have a double mastectomy because then I could get some "really spectacular fake ones". What an idiot.
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Cuz it is all about the free boob job.
RC: Love your dog!!
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Free boobs..wow! Since I kept mine with a lumpect, maybe I should now go for the free boob job. I could have 4 of them, 2 saggy real ones and 2 new perky ones. Could they be interchangeable depending on the occasion or should I just keep all 4? Would that make me twice as sexy I wonder??? What stupid stuff folks think is important if they've never fought for their life. Today I am so grateful for having many things in perspective. And for a sense of humor, kooky as it is. Love, Jean
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After all the mastectomy, expander, chemo, PT, and reconstruction I find it absurd that anyone would willingly go through even implant surgery just for bigger boobs. My implant is not uncomfortable but it is not real and nothing will ever make it real.
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glennie19: I love your dog, too! I have a Pittie too...she's the love of my life!
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Dogs are the best !!
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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Safe Travel and a healthy New Year to all!
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I ran into a friend the other day that I haven't seen since before chemo and she just looked at me and said 'hey...your hair is coming back'
Ummmm...that's all you've got after 8 months and knowing that I've been through hell? Pffftt whatever.
Downgrading her from friend to acquaintance!
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