Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Wow, that is so much worse!
After my MX, a lady came to my hospital room to sell me a prosthesis. She must have heard I was happily divorced because she declared with great authority that it was "the release of stress" that causes BC. Hmm.
Honestly, when there is so much blaming us for BC, I can't imagine what it is like for people with lung cancer or smoking-related diseases. They are already trained to blame themselves. One wife of a man with metastatic head and neck cancer said to me, "Yeah, but he DID smoke." SO?? Does that mean he deserves this?!Sigh...
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This is a repost. Scuttlers posted it awhile back. I thought it deserved to be perserved. I put it in the topic box on Pinktober revolution.
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"This is just a sampling of the bonehead comments we hear all the time. Thanks Scuttlers for finding this
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scuttlers wrote: I may make a copy, put on the fridge, and play bingo for one week. If I get a "Bingo", hubby takes me to dinner. If I get a "full card", I get a full spa treatment. Then all those idiots would be wondering why I jump up and down and scream happily at their stupid and asinine remarks. :-). !!!!!"
Most times I just want to not be nice and say something hurtfull, but nastiness can boomerang.
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You are so right Split bean. I have found out today that a dear friend has lung cancer. I don't care if he smoked, no one deserves this crap.
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I have a cousin who's brother got colon cancer and now has been dx'd with lung cancer. The docs said it was b/c of smoking. My response was "Well the genetics have allot to do with it, they're are now 26/53 of us on Dad's side that have cancer". Her "OH no it's the smoking". Me "Okay if that's true then what about all those that didn't smoke". She diverted back to "Oh no doctors said it was smoking". Her odds of getting cancer are huge considering her two brothers have 3 cancers between them. AND of the 21 women--3 aunts and 19 girls they're 9 breast cancers, 1 liver cancer, 1 sarcoma, 1 thyroid. 1 lung. The uncles and boys have had 2 prostate, lung, 2 colon, 3 kidney, throat. (chit I've lost track). Wonder what her response will be then. Bunch of skin cancers. But no it's smoking.
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ayr1016, your MIL's initial response was pretty shocking! I swear, there was an SNL skit about people who react inappropriately to bad news. What a curse that must be!
kyliet, I think that yoga teacher needed to change professions because she is a clueless ninny who has no skills in helping people. So sorry about your friend.
I hear you all about the imposter syndrome. For DCIS, I had 2 lumpectomies, 11-hour BMX with reconstruction, and 3 additional reconstructive surgeries due to a complication. But I was spared chemo, rads, and AI's so I can't completely relate to my friends with treatment for higher-stage BC. However, there is no imaging for me at this point and it's hard to find an ONC that will follow me. One told me to come back if my bones start to hurt. It's hard to not worry when there is little monitoring that can be done.
I love the bingo!
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No, you are not the only receiver of stupid comments. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted so much for my husband to comfort me. And I remember saying to him that of all my siblings, I was the only one who never had anything wrong, ( In fact, I am hardly, ever sick.) and his reply was, "You've had a good run." That comment hurt so bad. My 28 year old son was in ear shot of the conversation and said that was so mean. My husband has since made a couple other stupid comments. I think he is scared and really does not know what to say. He has apologized to me twice. We have been married for 36 years. I just have him and two sons. Other then that, I am alone.
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No, you are not the only receiver of stupid comments. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted so much for my husband to comfort me. And I remember saying to him that of all my siblings, I was the only one who never had anything wrong, ( In fact, I am hardly, ever sick.) and his reply was, "You've had a good run." That comment hurt so bad. My 28 year old son was in ear shot of the conversation and said that was so mean. My husband has since made a couple other stupid comments. I think he is scared and really does not know what to say. He has apologized to me twice. We have been married for 36 years. I just have him and two sons. Other then that, I am alone.
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When I told my DH about my diagnosis, he pulled me in for a long hug and eventually said "My mom always said you were my angel." It was what I considered to be the stupidest comment he could have made. It made me feel like he already had me dead and buried. But he's been by my side through every step and tells me all the time how much he loves me and thinks I look awesome. I know he didn't mean anything by that comment. Just goes to show what people blurt out when they are panicked and don't know what else to say to make things better.
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Husbands! I came home from work one day in the middle of treatment, all weepy and freaked and making no sense whatsoever. I blubbed, "I will die of cancer and I don't want you to be alone so I want you to get married again but then you and she will die and come to heaven and I'll be all jealous that you're there with her." !!!! He didn't miss a beat. "It will be OK honey," he said, "I'll marry a sinner so she can't come."
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OMD, E, that is so precious
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sbelizabeth, your DH has a gift!
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Solfeo and Elizabeth, thanks for the laugh
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Raidergirl...Anyone know where she has been? She hasn't been on BCO since Sept 1, any info on her?
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I think my favorite one so far has been from a guy I went to high school with tell me " You only have Breast Cancer they will just cut it out and you'll be fine its not like real cancer" Well not only did they cut it out they took both of my breast. Some people have no clue
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The last person who told me I was "lucky " it was only BC got my response....6 hour surgery, drain s for 6 weeks, chemo for 4 months, 3 hour surgery, 10 years of anti hormone pains, months of no hair...Do you want to trade places? It shut them and they were crying.
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Joleigh, welcome!
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good reply!😍
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Meadow hear anything yet?
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Sas, no not a word. I saw in her bio that she has extended family in Brazil...Maybe she went to visit? But she would have said she was taking a break, don't you think? I don't think anyone here who is active on a thread they started would just go silent for 5 months. We may never know! Thinking of you RaiderGirl, hope you are ok.
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I think these "only bc no big deal" comments are a result of the stupid pink rah rah rah "awareness" campaigns. See the Pinktober thread. I don't want to offend anyone who finds comfort through pink, but how can the general public be so unaware after all this awareness?
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Meadow actually it has happened more often than you would think. The Mods said they'd try. Give it a week and send them another note. It's tough when someone goes MIA. We never quite get over it. Hang in there.
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RAIDERGIRHOOTIHOOOWHEREAREYOUMEADOWANDIAREWORRIEDPOPINANDTELLUSYOUAREOKAY!!
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Thanks SAS, hoping we learn something
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I've been disappointed at how everyone has minimized what I've been through. I KNOW how lucky I am that I "only" had to have a lumpectomy and radiation but it was still scary and painful. My skin fell apart and even three months post-radiation, my breast still hurts A LOT almost all of the time. I'm not having horrible tamoxifen side effects but I still don't feel good. I'm still an emotional wreak, I'm tired, I'm scared...but everyone acts like I should be totally fine now.
If you don't have chemo or a mastectomy, everyone thinks it was just a walk in the park for you. It's depressing. Even my family acts like it never even happened now.
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I tend to agree with a lot of you about the whole "pink" awareness stuff. I watched all those commercials and listened all month (year) long about breast cancer awareness. But while I also believe in positivity..... the message they are sending seems pretty black and white to me. The dark side .....we are told how many women have died from breast cancer; and the positive..... is how far they have come in treating it and if we fight we can survive.
But they leave out everything in the middle....all that time spent getting treatment, the pain, and what it does to us physically and emotionally. The attitude seems to be....if you survived, be grateful and you are done with the race. While I truly am grateful, I don't think we'll ever be DONE. We will always carry our scars both physical and emotional to remind us of what we've been through, and darn it....I refuse to accept just surviving. I want to LIVE life to the fullest without this cancerous baggage I was given to carry around.
I just don't understand how an international campaign of awareness can leave so much out of the picture. If we are all so "aware", then why are there so many questions from so many women right here on these boards? I myself was totally unprepared, and I was in the "really lucky" category.
Its kind of like dropping someone in the middle of a foreign country at war and telling them to survive....no map, you don't speak the language, your life is in danger, you have limited resources, you don't know your final destination and you don't know how to get there. We can sometimes be so busy trying to survive from one day to another, that we either don't have the time or the energy or we just forget about the "living our life" part of the picture.
If we are all so "aware".......then why is there so much about this journey that the world is left unaware of? Being positive is a necessity to a happy life.....but I believe that most stupid comments are born of ignorance and not necessarily negativity.
Don't mean to offend anyone (I actually love pink!)......I just think they could do a better job of making all of us truly, fully "aware".
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Great post Anniekay80.
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why not repost this to Pinktober thread? They might want to put it on the site they are building. I'll bump it so it's easy to find.
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Anniekay, this should definitely go to the Pinktober thread. Check out Traveltext's site pinktobersucks.com. He is a male breast cancer survivor. I think you would find both very interesting. This past October saw a flurry of activity.
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Thank you all for the positive feedback. I only wrote down how I really have felt on the rollercoaster that became my life 3 months ago with the phone call...."you have cancer". I will check out the threads you all mentioned but I don't know how to move or repost a post.
If what I had to say brings some comfort to even one person, I'm truly happy I took the time to write it. For me writing about how I feels is usually very cathartic.....I feel like I set down a very heavy load.
Cyber hugs to you all.....
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Hi everyone, just needed to post after a stupid comment said to me today. Friend: so how are you doing? Me: I have tough days and better days. Friend: We all have tough days. Me: somedays are really hard and I can go to some really dark places. Friend: yeah, we all have tough days, you got to stay positive that's what I try to do.
Excuse me? You have a amazingand supportive husband, 3 great and healthy children and oh yeah, you don't have stage 4 cancer!!!
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