Stupid comments ....
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I don't know if I can call it a stupid comment but I just have to share this story ! Today I had a missed call from a friend. When I saw this missed call it was around 11pm. I thought it' was too late to call back. But then this friend started texting me : is everything ok? Please tell me you are ok! Please call me back !
So I called back... I said : what happened? Why you worry so much? Did you see a bad dream about me or something ?
He said : no.
So this is what happened. He went to the place where I used to work before. And everyone there knows that I have a breast cancer. He walked in and met another friend of mine, she was standing and crying. When he asked what happened she couldn't even answer, she was in tears.... Finally she said : you know... Ruska died yesterday...( Ruska is my real name). So now it was two of them crying over my death....
The thing is that one of the coworkers probably decided to make a joke and said that I died...
What a joke!
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*jawdrop*
Oh Ruska - that's beyond horrid! I'm so sorry some tw@tbadger thought that would be anything like a joke...for once I'm speechless...wow...just wow...
(and we're all thrilled you're still here with us)
x
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OMG,, that is not a joke!! What a jerk to do that.
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I absolutely refuse to believe someone would make that up, I just can't imagine that. It had to be a misunderstanding. Horrible! Good to have friends who care so much though. Solfeo is rigbt, they clearly love you very much.
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I've had fun reading about how tactless--though well-meaning--people can be. And want to share my little story.
I had some family here for Thanksgiving dinner...this was after I had my diagnosis and about two weeks before I was due to have a double mastectomy.
Somehow we got to talking about our various health issues. My brother had a total knee replacement last winter. My other brother fell off his roof and cut his leg. I told everybody about a fall I'd taken coming back from the library. I had about 25 pounds of art books in my tote bag and the toe of my shoe caught a variation in the sidewalk--the block I stepped on was about an inch higher than the one I was leaving--and I went right down. Hit my knee, hand reached out....hurt my wrist...
Just then my brother's girlfriend jumped up from the table and pointed her finger at me:
"That's a sign of CATARACTS! You get so you can't see low-down things! That's a sign of having a cataract!"
We were all stunned. It was so odd.
I was dying to say thanks, I'm still rocked with a breast cancer diagnosis and impending surgery and you have to make me aware that I perhaps have yet another malady....so appreciate that!
It just seemed like too too much to dump on someone...
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I guess mine are more "reactions" to me telling them I have BC, than comments. But, I want to share and get these things off my mind with others who know where I'm coming from and how it feels.
I told my (ex) mother in law this morning about my diagnosis in person. She is someone who has always been "open mouth, insert foot". But, I was taken aback by the 1st word that came out of her mouth. She said "AWESOME". I don't believe she meant it as "yay, you have cancer". I don't even recall what she followed up with. She is one of those people who inappropriately responds to bad news. I almost did not want to tell her, but she is my children's grandmother and I thought it would come up at some point. It is almost as bad as when I told my step father (on the phone) and his first words were "you are joking, right? Is this a joke?" Who the *insert angry word* would joke about having BC?
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Last weekend I was visiting my ex in laws, including my sil, her dh and a family friend. I hadn't seen anyone since my bmx 4 weeks prior. There we were, 4 women sitting at a table chatting. It was actually good conversation, until.....the subject of breasts came up. My ex sil was holding hers saying "they just keep getting bigger", my mil sys "mine didn't stop until I was 50". The family friend just sat there, probably as shocked as I was that they were talking like this in front of a woman who just had hers amputated. I know they didn't mean to be ugly, buy really? It was so shocking and validating of their ignorance, I just laughed.
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Okay here goes nothing.....I have to turn myself in as the person who said something stupid regarding my diagnosis. I had to give the news by phone to both my daughters before they heard it from the family grapevine. I said something like "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I just f***d up your family medical history cause I have breast cancer".
My girls didn't see the humor in this at all. I said something similar to my sister on the phone cause she lives in Florida. Now she acted like she saw the humor; but my sister is my rock. She will listen and follow my lead no matter what; when she gets off the phone is when she lets herself break down and cry but NEVER when we are talking.
But I want to add that IMO I think it is stupid for doctors/medical staff to shoo away your concerns about possible bad test results just because you don't have a family history of breast cancer. I always used to say "but somebody had to be the first". Now I have the privilege of being that first. Of course, my opinions are based on the fact that my oldest brother died 17 years ago 9 months after he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma and prior to that there was no family history of any kind of cancer.
Anyway I think we have all been on both sides of the "stupid remarks" category....at least I know that I certainly have.
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I have found that I have to keep a sense of humor, if I hadn't I would be insane at this point. There was no breast cancer in my family. The only cancers were melanoma in my Mom and younger brother, moles that were removed and an AIDS related sarcoma that he had in the weeks before he died in 1997 at the age of 32. I would hope that I haven't said too many stupid things in my life, but I am sure I have. I think people do not know what too say....with the possible exception of people like BethL's inlaws. My latest is one of my students who said my hair was creepy in a nice way....but she is a 6th grade student with special needs and no filter.
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God bless the children! When my grandson saw me for the first time after surgery (it had been less than a week post op) he said "are you sure you had cancer cause you just look like regular grandma". I was putting out great effort to look like I wasn't in pain or feeling miserable so I wouldn't worry my grandkids (ages 10 and 12....my grandson is the 10 year old). I just had to smile at him. But then again I think of my grandchildren as straight IV infusions of pure joy! By the time we left their house, though I was very tired, I felt better than I had since surgery.
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I've done a cancer tree- Known cancers on the paternal side are 25 out of 53 blood relatives. Not only can't I get the relatives to pay attention, I can't get the docs to pay attention. WTF?
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AnnieKay: 'regular grandma'! I love that!!...I asked my daughter to tell my granddaughter (age 8) about my dx before I saw them for the first time since losing my hair: I had seen last them before chemo. We decided my GS (not yet three at that point) was probably too young, but DGD is smart as a whip (and the light of my life) and I was pretty sure she'd figure out something was up...
DGD actually acted shy when she first saw me, a reaction I've never seen before: usually after not seeing her for a while she runs into my arms for a big hug. This time, no. She hung back and started to leave the room. Apparently she wasn't sure how to act around me. I just smiled and asked 'aren't I going to get my hug?'. She gave me a big hug at that point, and since then (two visits since) I have been 'regular grandma'. Does my heart and soul good.
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RaiderGirl, you hit the nail on the head. I guess the most stupid comment I got was "we can't find it, maybe there is nothing there". This was repeated by two different radiologists after "something" showed up on my initial mammo. I went through 5 hours one day of testing with one doc and 6 hours the next day with another. MRIs, ultrasounds, too many mammos and too many blind biopsies to count. No one could find the area.
Another stupid comment I got "I guess we can do a lumpectomy, but I don't exactly know where to go", as uttered by the surgeon who was going to initially do my procedure.
Ended up having a double mastectomy with another surgeon and tissue analysis after showed invasive cancer.
Last stupid and hurtful comment came when someone said, "it isn't stage 4, so what is the big deal?"
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So sorry about that. Kids just don't understand things and ones between 16 and 24 seem to think they are experts on everything. I have noticed there is a lack of compassion and empathy is this next generation too, as well as a lack of respect.
Focus on being healthy. Take one step at a time.
When I was being tested for my diagnosis last February, the second radiologist told me that he could not find my cancer on the scans, but jut to know that he saw calcifications in my cardiac arteries, so that I had blockages and needed to get to a cardiologist ASAP! This is the day after being told I had "something" show up on my mammogram.
I had to have all kinds of cardiac testing before my mastectomy. It was exhausting having to deal with two health problems at one time, so I know how you feel.
I would suggest making an appointment with an ophthalmologist to rule out any eye issues. Then you can have this issue behind you. Good luck and God bless.
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IMO there is no better medicine that time spent with grandchildren. I was awakened early this morning to hear my grandkids coming in the front door. We apparently have a snow day and my daughter needed a babysitter. Oh and since my husband works for the school district he had a snow day too.
I am so lucky my gkids live close. For 2 years they moved 3 hours away for their dads job. Now that they are back I treasure the easy and frequent accessability. I also left it to my daughter to do the "telling". Their parents are the ones who have to answer their million questions, and who know them best so....they get the job of giving bad news.
My daughter had warned my gkids I had just had surgery (don't know what she said in detail but she is usually pretty honest with them). So when I first saw them they were both hesitant about approaching me. I told them both I don't hurt anywhere on my back so a good hug (with my arm protecting my chest) with a back pat would make me feel great. I got the biggest hugs.
Who would have thought we could be thrilled to be "regular" grandma? I used to want to be super grandma or cool grandma. I guess it was just comforting to my gkids that getting "sick" hadn't changed who I was and am.
Gkids are one of Gods greatest creations!
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Not seeing my grandkids last summer when I was doing chemo was one of the worst parts of the experience.
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Tjh
So sorry to hear you couldn't see your gkids during that time. It can be really hard on the kids seeing us "not ourselves", but it is hard on us too. Problem is we are the adults and have to do what is best for them. It is hard not to be selfish and grab onto those little rays of sunshine to make us feel better. I thank God my gkids are old enough and mature enough to handle what is going on. But then again I'm lucky enough that I don't need anything but surgery as treatment......and surgery alone was bad enough. I am in awe of all you women who have had to do chemo and/or radiation or have to have multiple surgeries. You are all warrior women in my book. So far for me everything is going according to plan....BMX with TEs then exchange somewhere down the road. I pray I continue without complications.
So everyone who is lucky enough to have gradkids make sure you appreciate every moment with them. They are so precious!
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I had a family member say-have you lost any weight yet? I know you have always wanted and tried to lose weight! People with cancer lose weight
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I had a family member say- have you lost any weight yet? I know you have always wanted and tried to lose weight! People with cancer lose weight.
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I'd answer, yes, 34#, but there has to be an easier way.
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In early Dec. I went to a cast party for an annual show in which I'd performed since 2002 but from which I had to withdraw in 2015 because I'd thought I'd be too sick or tired to get through rehearsals and give a performance worthy of the show. (I did get to write some of it). Most of my pals told me unabashedly and without any reservation "You look great" and then in the same breath, "but how are you, really?" Fair enough. But a few gazed at my hair & chest quizzically before hugging me and congratulating me for getting through treatment (mostly) unscathed. One asked "You were able to keep your hair?" and another actually exlaimed "Wow! Your hair grew back fast!" I guess they'd expected I'd be bald, flat and emaciated (or moon-faced from steroids).
In fact, there are times I am reluctant to mention my having gone through bc because I feel like an impostor or malingerer compared to those who had chemo and/or mastectomies.
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I understand what you mean about feeling like an imposter, as I didn't have chemo either. And then family thinks it was "easy" for me. What they don't realize is the stress, and the worrying of recurrence is just as real for us, not to mention the side effect that are still there from treatment we did have, like 2 scars on my breast, fibrosis on the muscle wall from radiation, and side effects from tamoxifen that I have to take for 10 years!
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Sandy and ORgal , I had mastectomies and still feel like I got off too easy not going through chemo or radiation! Why do we beat ourselves up and compare cancers and treatments? I have to fight the tendency to think a relative had it easy because they "just" have DCIS. After talking with her she has just as much fear as others that are later stages. The mental battle seems to be underestimated by others.
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I feel the same way! I "only" had DCIS and decided on bilateral mastectomy to greatly reduce the chance of ever hearing the words "you have breast cancer" again. But I do find myself comparing my diagnosis and treatment against others.....I can't help it. I had the surgery and don't need any further treatment (no hormonal therapy, no chemo, no radiation) I was even able to have nipple sparring mastectomies, so other than the bi-monthly fluid fills which are not fun and exchanging the current TEs in the next several months, I won't even need another surgery for nipple reconstruction or tattooing.
Even as I write this I can see how wrong I am to feel like an imposter, but it doesn't seem to matter.....I still feel like I got off easy and shouldn't call myself a cancer survivor; after all I only knew I had cancer for exactly one month before I had the surgery to remove it.
I even feel bad about the fact my husband has been so supportive especially when I read other's stories about being single and alone or worse being with a partner who isn't supportive at all. I want to broadcast to the world how great my husband has been....what a pillar of strength and how this horrible diagnosis actually brought us even closer......but I don't do this very often because I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty for getting lucky with my diagnosis? Why do I feel guilty I didn't have it worse? And why do I feel guilty for having such an amazing husband?
Logically I know just how wrong it is to feel this way.....but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. Maybe some of this is just the hormones talking or anesthesia brain......I hope so. I can't believe I'm feeling sort of guilty that I'm not more sick, when I know I should be grateful for the miracles I've been given.
These boards are a godsend.......I don't feel as isolated when I read through the posts and find women here who feel the same way I do. Thank you all for sharing your stories....it does help with some of this emotional baggage I've been carrying around. Maybe I'll "lose a few pounds"!
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i can't speak for everyone, but in my opinion no one should feel like an imposter. You shouldn't feel guilty. You all had cancer! You all had your lives turned upside down. You all went through so much. Your lives will never be the same. I went through so much but feel that there is no difference between those who were fortunate enough to catch it early, and myself.
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Solfeo
I love it.....a must buy! LOL
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I am still dumbfounded by this. A co-worker I had just met, telling me that she gave up her career teaching yoga....because it was too stressful treating all those women who got breast cancer because they wouldn't listen to her and relax.
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what a beach!What did you say to her?
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I was so shocked, but it got worse. I said 'oh, I had breast cancer' and she said 'well you would know what I mean, what stresses were in your life that caused it?' I wasn't being drawn into that conversation, so I made an excuse and left. Luckily I don't have to see her again.
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