Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Sure you want her as a "friend"?
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Annie, if you would like your post cut and pasted to Pinktober, I will do it. May have been done already, JUst catching up on reading.
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singlemom, if you managed to hold your tongue, you are a better woman than I. I hope you have at least one amazing friend that makes up for the void left by conversations such as that. Big hug to you!
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Spookies mom and LAstar -have been realizing over the last couple of months that she is not really a friend! Very strange as when first diagnosed she came in very strong for about 6 weeks, now she just seems "over it". I think this most recent conversation made me really see how insensitive and self absorbed she really is. I don't know about everyone else, but I tend to not be that bothered by stupid statements by people I am not close to, but if your a close friend of mine I get very hurt and upset!!!
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If she's a close friend, maybe she can handle a little dose of reality to help her remove her noggin from her tuchis. She might be in denial about your diagnosis because she loves you so much. It's really not your job to temper your friend's narcissism, but if it helps you cope better to tell her how you feel in person or in a letter, you should do it.
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It's something you'll see all over this forum. You *think* they're your friend, but eventually they show their true colors. It's toxic, and you don't need it.
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I agree. I think I am going to distance myself from her. This is not the first time I questioned our friendship. Thanks!
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I am feeling pretty hurt about an insensitive comment made by a close friend. She is a very close friend.Today we were talking about problems she is having with hip. She recently found out she has moderate arthritis as well as a cyst on her hip. I have been supporting her over the last month going to doctors and having tests. She told me today about her appt with her recent doc. We talked for awhile and The plan is for her to have cortisone shots. The doc said if these didn't work she may need to eventually have hip replacement surgery. My friend told me she was very upset about this and pretty emotional. She said this is a significant thing going on with her body and it is hard. She went on to say that she is too young to have this problem( she is 50). I did not know what to say. I am very supportive to my friends when they have any medical issues, but She said all of this in a way that she was feeling very sorry for herself andthat is fine and understandable but to do a pity party to me about it felt insensitive. It was like she forgot I have stage 4 cancer and a 10 year old child. I find her to making insensitive comments from time to time like this.
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singlemom....sometimes you have to cut the negative people from your life because the simply suck too much energy and life from you. Sounds selfish but you and your 10 year old need to be your focus.
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I was wondering if I was being too sensitive about the whole thing. Wondering what you guys think. She can be very supportive and loving, it is just weird that she comes out with things that make me want to scream"did you forget I have stage 4 cancer"!!!!!!!
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singlemom1 - I agree it was insensitive of your friend - but in a way it also shows how close she feels to you - how comfortable she feels in sharing her fears about her health and future. She wasn't treating you like a friend with stage IV bc, just like a friend. I guess I am being sympathetic to her because I just got test results that threw me for a loop - a bone density scan 2 years after stopping 4.5 years of tamoxifen - I thought I would be in great shape, just checking to get a base line and found that I have osteopenia. a surprise - but also a glimpse into the great abyss. I exercise and eat right and essentially was told - if you didn't, it would probably worse like all you can do is delay the inevitable - mortality, shrinking, bending over, stuff breaking, pain - I have been semi-hysterical - TOTAL INSANE OVER- REACTION - I know and I am already gaining perspective and will move on and so will your friend. You are right, it was all about her and her hip - and I am sure she realizes that in the scheme of things - there is NO comparison. but my advice is cut her some slack.
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Singlemom, IMHO, she legitimately has a very serious medical condition at a young age which potentially has life threatening consequences to correct. She could die from surgery or have lifelong consequences from having surgeey that could eventially lead to her death.Why is there a contest to see whose serious medical condition "trumps" whose? I am partially resisting AIs because I am more afraid of dying from a broken hip and the consequences and needing to have a caretaker over worrying over dying of cance.. Does it alleays have to be "eithor or".
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Stupid comment made to me when we met with the Breast Specialist was "I have good news and better news" so I said I was told I have cancer what is good about that. She said you have IDC and it's very treatable and they shouldn't have to take the lymph nodes(which they did) so you shouldn't have to worry about lymphedema(which I do). All you need is surgery maybe chemo and radiation. So which part of all that is the good news and the better news? Then she gave me a huge book living with breast cancer and my husband a book caring for loved ones with cancer and sent us off. Still waiting for the better news.
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Jelson- I think you hit it on the nose when you stated she spoke to me as a close friend, not a close friend who has stage 4 cancer. We are good friends and I wouldn't let this come between us, I just needed a safe place to vent as I find it very difficult for people to understand what having stage 4 cancer feels like and that leads me to feeling more isolated I appreciate your feedback.
Melissadallas - this has nothing to do with a contest on who trumps who. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that I was unable to adequately explainthe situation or the dynamics and that is why your response to me felt like a reprimand. You mentioned dying from a hip replacement and being more scared of this than dying from cancer. Well, I am unclear of your stage or extent of your cancer, but you do realize that stage 4 is terminal?? Statistics don't give much time and I have a 10 year old daughter with no father, no grandparents and no aunts or uncles. All she has is me. So you may not worry about dying from cancer but that is a reality I live with everyday.
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Singlemom1, I can definitely see how your friend's comments would have hurt you. Like many others here, I have been surprised and hurt by the insensitivity of friends and family. Also amazed at the sheer ignorance out there about breast cancer. I feel for you and your daughter and wish you many, many more years.
MelissaDallas, many of us have little to no real 'choice' about taking AIs. Frankly, I would prefer to have avoided the dry eyes, headaches, thinning hair, aching joints, sad moods, weaker nails, higher cholesterol, zero sex drive, I could go on …. broken bones possibly down the track although bone scans will keep an eye on this. But I am pleased there is something I can take which gives me a reasonable chance of not recurring again. The very rare possibility of a broken hip (which can be replaced) is not a reason that many would regard to not take AIs.
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Thank you optimist52 for your compassion and understanding.
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MelissaDallas- As the daughter of a breast cancer "patient" I just have to say that your statement accusing a woman who is living with TERMINAL CANCER of trying to create a contest to "prove" that her condition is worse is simply insensitive. From your post, it seems that you would consider a condition that has "potentially" life threatening consequences and "could" eventually lead to death the same as a condition (such as stage 4 TERMINAL BREAST CANCER) that HAS life threatening consequences and WILL eventually lead to death. Terminal cancer IS worse than "moderate arthritis" and I don't see how anyone could logically defend their position otherwise. I don't believe that you will ever find a woman who wouldn't be completely thrilled to have "moderate arthritis" which on it's own literally cannot kill you and only MIGHT eventually warrant elective surgery to improve quality of life in place of having terminal cancer, where they HAVE to endure disfiguring surgeries, chemotherapy, frequent shots & pokes, radiation that burns them and medically induced arthritis from medications that keep them alive. Sure, arthritis is unfortunate and definitely not ideal, but would likely be a walk in the park compared to what a lot of the ladies on this forum have to endure and you have no right to tell any of them that they are wrong for being offended by anyone who believes the two conditions are even remotely comparable.
What a blessing for you though, that you have assessed that your chances of dying from a situation that literally on it's own cannot kill you, such as a broken hip, are higher than dying of cancer. I'll pray that your prognosis continues to stay as optimistic.
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Before I was diagnosed, I went for an US. I got called back that same day to then have a mammogram. It was a long process and as I was leaving the woman taking the images said to me "let's hope it's not what we think it is"!
WTF?! She said it with a cheery voice and a big smile on her face. Some people are so clueless.
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MeToo....That woman is the MVP of WTF!!
MsP
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I truly enjoy this feed because it helps me know I'm not alone. My way of dealing with things has always been humour so my onc and I have developed a great relationship. During my last visit there was a male student Doctor with us...
Onc "ok up on the table this young man is going to have a look at your breasts"
Me " oh good it's been awhile since a young man has looked at my breasts(hubs is 43)"
Student " its ok I prefer mine without cancer"
Onc " I'm sure she prefers not to have cancer either, it wasn't a choice, can you just give the patient and I a minute alone"
If my oncologist wasn't there I would have junk punched that boy. Wtf.
That's just one of many comments I get.
I sent a picture of myself to my mother and she responded with " Ahhh why did you shave off your eyebrows? Your husband is so handsome, does he still take you out for supper?"
I didn't shave my eyebrows, they fell out you moron and no I take him out for supper Lol
Hopefully everyone is doing well xxx
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Not about cancer, but humorous....I don't see student doctors even with my Doctors in the room. I had one of my daughters in the ER for strep throat. At the time I had a day care in my home and it was sweeping through. The resident/intern looks in her throat and says "She doesn't have strep, her tonsils look great" and then he argued about taking a strep test while staring at her boobs...7th grade, Jr size 5 with 34D. I asked. "Any other thoughts since her tonsils were removed 3 years ago?" His reply "Oh, let me have another look". I said "Hell no...I will will see her Doctor and the Hospital Administrator tomorrow. " He about cried...I told the administration that if they billed my insurance I would have them charged with fraud. She saw her Doctor the next day. Positive strep test:) You ALWAYS have the option of saying NO if your Doctor has a student or intern with them.
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Mrs774......thanks for sharing. Loved your comment about being the one taking hubs to supper!!! You are beautiful by the way, so lucky husband. I like the way your oncologist protected you from the student doctor's comment. You've got a keeper there! All the best as you finish treatment.
MsP
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I typically brush off comments as "You look so good", or "I can't even tell you're sick", as compliments and just smile.
My sister is the one driving me crazy. We lost our mom to liver cancer, so when I was first diagnosed, she automatically assumed I was terminal. My daughter actually had a "talk" with my sister about acting like I'm going to die. I think it upset my daughter more than it did me, as I understood where my sister was coming from. But after all that, she was supposed to come out (which while I love her dearly, I think she would drive me literally up a wall - although the one good thing - if she came out after surgery - she's very high energy, so my house would be clean... hmmm), But I digress. She was supposed to come out, and just last night asked me if I thought I would survive this. (The original conversation with my daughter was in March). Then her husband is supposed to be in the Bay Area (they live on the East Coast), and she wanted to know if I wanted him to sit with me through chemo. I do like my brother in law, but I can't even begin to explain how awkward that would be. So, I said, no, but I would love to meet up with him for dinner. Oy! At least she is trying to be supportive. But wow.
I hear "You're so strong" a lot, but as I was called a warrior before this, I guess that's to be expected.
The one thing this has taught me is what TO say. A friend is being biopsied for cervical cancer and I just reached out to her offering an ear. I found the scariest time is between the biopsy and the results, and you don't want to scare your family by talking about your fears. And I found that only someone who has been through this gets the dark areas where you mind travels. Another friend is losing her husband to brain cancer. We met up for drinks on the beach in Half Moon Bay, and just shared stories. It was cathartic for both of us.
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"and I have a 10 year old daughter with no father, no grandparents and no aunts or uncles. All she has is me"
I have just recently been diagnosed, but I have a 10 year old son (and a 17 year old daughter) and we have no other family in our lives either. And while their dad is still in the picture, he among other things is addicted to pot and porn and has a much younger girlfriend living with him who is so messed up I've been told my kids shouldn't be around her.
I myself have not been hit, at least not yet, with truly insensitive comments per se. It's more when I feel like people are being kind of polyanna and not really getting the full weight of my situation. Like above, or the fact I have a family history of cancer including my mom and her older brother dying from it.
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Tjh, you rock.
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I haven't posted here before...just lurked...
But, have to say...
Singlemom - I totally agree with you and (most) of the other posts on here. I think most of us would switch to only having bad hips over a serious disease - in a heartbeat. BTW...my daughter is almost your daughter's age. She is 9 and 1/2 and I worry about her all the time.....
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It has been a while since I've posted here -- my DP has been in the hospital five times since January, she's finally on the mend. But her last hospitalization was caused by a royal screw up by her PCP and the hospital's lab. Okay, at 1:15 on a Saturday night I noticed that she was getting incoherent and her skin color was awful. So I throw on some pants and leave my soft clingy tee shirt on and drive her to the hospital. The triage nurse listens to me and we race her to a trauma room. The nurses start doing all the right things then leave the room. Two minutes later my DP crashes. I hit the red crisis button and the crash cart and lots of people arrive. One doctor turns to me and says I need to leave. I understand this and start gathering up all of our stuff. As I'm getting ready to leave, another doctor says "you have cancer, you shouldn't be here, you need to have an oncologist look at you." Asshole. I'm in my second year of NED, I wasn't treated at that hospital as no one had experience with IBC. Cancer had nothing to do with me being with my DP and I certainly didn't need an oncologist. When I demanded to see her blood work from the day before. Her hemoglobin was 5 -- that's not compatible with life. No one had bothered to call us on Friday with her lab results. Those results would have made me rush my DP to the hospital. The you have cancer doctor comes in to get permission to start blood transfusions and says "I'll write you orders for admission to the oncology ward." I lost it and said why the frick do you think I need to be admitted to the hospital? His answer: you only have one breast." Duh, no kidding doctor, I haven't had the missing breast for two years, why is this a medical emergency? The patient advocate says she'll take care of it. She apologized and I asked if we could write orders admitting him to the psych ward.
Damn, my DP just had CPR and this flake is obsessing on my "missing" breast. I came real close to hitting him.
Sigh
brid
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It has been a while since I've posted here -- my DP has been in the hospital five times since January, she's finally on the mend. But her last hospitalization was caused by a royal screw up by her PCP and the hospital's lab. Okay, at 1:15 on a Saturday night I noticed that she was getting incoherent and her skin color was awful. So I throw on some pants and leave my soft clingy tee shirt on and drive her to the hospital. The triage nurse listens to me and we race her to a trauma room. The nurses start doing all the right things then leave the room. Two minutes later my DP crashes. I hit the red crisis button and the crash cart and lots of people arrive. One doctor turns to me and says I need to leave. I understand this and start gathering up all of our stuff. As I'm getting ready to leave, another doctor says "you have cancer, you shouldn't be here, you need to have an oncologist look at you." Asshole. I'm in my second year of NED, I wasn't treated at that hospital as no one had experience with IBC. Cancer had nothing to do with me being with my DP and I certainly didn't need an oncologist. When I demanded to see her blood work from the day before. Her hemoglobin was 5 -- that's not compatible with life. No one had bothered to call us on Friday with her lab results. Those results would have made me rush my DP to the hospital. The you have cancer doctor comes in to get permission to start blood transfusions and says "I'll write you orders for admission to the oncology ward." I lost it and said why the frick do you think I need to be admitted to the hospital? His answer: you only have one breast." Duh, no kidding doctor, I haven't had the missing breast for two years, why is this a medical emergency? The patient advocate says she'll take care of it. She apologized and I asked if we could write orders admitting him to the psych ward.
Damn, my DP just had CPR and this flake is obsessing on my "missing" breast. I came real close to hitting him.
Sigh
bride
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I'd encourage you to complain to the ombuds.
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My elderly mere male (MM) neighbour asked if I was in pain after my surgery and how long was the treatment going to take as he gave me a single silverbeet leaf.
I said the rest of my life I expect and thanked him for the leaf to feed my family of four.
What was so annoying was his sister died from the disease - he had no clue at how insensitive he sounded.
GRRRR
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