Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Ok here's one. I was a worried stage 1, talking to the second-opinion onc about whether I was ok on just Tamoxifen to avoid recurrence. At some point she said, "Nobody lives forever." Um, ok, how about we trade places and I live to be 85 and you get cheated out of decades of life?
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That reminds me of the onc I saw. She was going to put me on aromasin. Mentioned just a couple of the side effects, which I thought odd, and then added with a laugh we all start getting aches and pains after a certain age. Well thank you for that, but I do prefer to get them from the natural aging process instead of drug induced. Never went back to her.
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OMG, guys. How damn stupid (insert insensitive or thoughtless) are people? I hope it's okay that I'm laughing at some of them. I mean...what else CAN we do?I have a couple to add.
My PS (whom I really like and I get what she was trying to imply): that implant Exchange and/or getting implants is the "fun part of breast cancer".
I have a couple of ones from my brother too but they make me so mad, I may have to share later. Anyway, he's not invited to sit at my table of life at the moment. We only have room for so many.
Cancer is a good way to weed out the punks in your life!!!!!!!
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Hercules:
Your mom's is pretty hilarious. You gotta admit. Almost as good as the person a couple of pages back whose mom said she got BC because she's a vegetarian.
Tell her a bunch of your BC buddies are exchanging electrons with the Earth as we speak.
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Eastcoast, stop hogging all the electrons!!
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Hercules, your post made me laugh! The barefoot book of breast cancer treatment, all good as long as you don't step in dog poop.
Eastcoast, I really like your saying, 'table of life'. That struck a note with me. The analogy was instantly visible in my mind. Who do we invite to join us at the table for the proverbial 'last meal'? Even Christ only had so many on the menu.
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Runor:
I think I read the "who you invite to your table" maybe in the Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I can't quite recall. But as we get older -- there are only so many that we are able to really share life and experiences with. Some people disinvite themselves. But that's ok.
If we walk in grass and cure BC, what is walking in poop going to cure? I think Hercules should ask her mom. Poop is organic after all, right???
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Runor:
I think I read the "who you invite to your table" maybe in the Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I can't quite recall. But as we get older -- there are only so many that we are able to really share life and experiences with. Some people disinvite themselves. But that's ok.
If we walk in grass and cure BC, what is walking in poop going to cure? I think Hercules should ask her mom. Poop is organic after all, right???
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I dunno Eastcoast, maybe colon cancer.
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I said the stupid comment yesterday, I couldn't believe it as it fell out of my mouth. I started a program through the hospitals wellness center for BC patients to regain strength and such, we work with a personal trainer and I was paired with one other lady. After class we were sharing our recovery stories and she told me she was able to have immediate reconstruction at the time of BMX and I said it! I said "that was lucky"!! I was so surprised when it came out, so mindless. I immediately apologized and said obviously there is nothing lucky about having to go through any type of recovery or reconstruction but sheesh, I'll definetly soften my feelings whenever loved ones and others say similar things to me. I cringe every time I think about it.
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Don't be too hard on yourself, TWills. I don't think that was so bad in the context of two patients discussing their surgeries, and I'm sure she understood what you meant.
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TWills, we've all been there one way or another! You caught it and apologized and were very gracious. I think it's good for all of us to remember that most people are just trying to encourage us as we go through a bad time. The rest of them...not so much!
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TWills:
I actually totally get what you meant and I bet she did, too. (Or maybe not if she never had to experience the joy that are tissue expanders.) Don't feel bad. This was not a harsh statement.
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I take that opportunity for a teaching moment. I've learned a lot through my process and was guilty of the same misconceptions before diagnosis. If I can help someone be more vigilant, then it's worth the awkward conversation.
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I've just stopped wearing my wig and have started back to yoga. I was in a class at a place I have never been to and a lady came m over to introduce herself, she said I might not remember your name but I'll remember your hair!! WTH! I almost said I would remember her missing teeth. I was nice instead.
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my mom just announced she is 71 and can't help me after surgery and my sister told me she can't help due to her allergy to My cat. Good times.
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I say this as a cat mom of 2: I'd rather have my cat as family. Allergies my ass! (Although cats aren't terribly helpful after surgery.)
Do you have anyone who can assist? Do you know what surgery you're having yet?
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Oh my Kahnartist I think our mom's would be good friends. Mine is 75 and said she couldn't help me because of her bad knee. (I pointed out that I hadn't asked her for help) .
What about friends? Or and I know this probably isn't ideal but could you stay at your sisters and have someone watch your cat for you?
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meshell5324 and eastcoastTS, I prefer my cat to everyone. My boyfriend and best friend are going to pick up most slack. I can be by myself for other blocks of time. I would rather it that way. It is just sad to think about how the people in your life can only be counted on until they can't be
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I know I've said -- maybe on this forum -- that this crisis shows who is in and who is out. It has for me. And not all family have been in. That has been my experience.
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ok eastcoast can I ask you to talk about that a bit more?
I'm struggling to redefine my relationship with my sisters who didn't cut and run when I got cancer, but who weren't super involved or supportive either. I can't keep being disappointed and upset when they forget I'm having surgery or don't show up when they say they wil. But what exactly does the redefinition entail? I want to keep somebody relationship with them.
So how have you ladies redefined those relationships with the people saying the hurtful things on this thread? Do you remove them entirely or modify the relationship?
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HerculesM,
I have "let them go." Had a former boss and I thought we were close after the boss relationship ended and friendship began. I send a Christmas card but that is it.
Same with some family. I will send a birthday and Christmas cards but nothing more. They don't ask and I don't tell.
Funny thing is that I realized how much I was pouring into these relationships.
Now I have time and energy for the relationships that really matter.
I did have someone that didn't show up email me and apologize. I was gracious but I am also weary of allowing her back into my circle.
I wrote about this in this blog: http://leaderlines.net/it-is-over/
The paragraph about showing up is at the end.
Coach Vicky
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I love when people comment on my new hair style and how much better my hair looks. Should I tell them "thanks, but it's a wig".
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Last night my sister texted me and said she has a sore throat and wishes she could just take a month off and rest. K. Yea
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I think the mindset of people who make these comments is twofold. One is they are afraid of BC especially when someone they know has it. Of course it's not contagious but it's hit too close to home and two, they think once all the surgeries and treatments are completed we are cured so no need to talk about it anymore. They don't want to hear about a possible recurrence - newsflash neither do we.
There are also people who put the blame on us for getting it in the first place. Right - we asked for it.
I can understand them being in denial because they are really afraid it might happen to them. I had a friend who argued that it was all genetic and since she had no family history she was home free. The fact is for the most part the experts don't really know why some of us drew the unlucky card.
There are also people who avoid us like we have leprosy because it's easier for them to deal with it. What you don't know....
For the most part I had a supportive family and friends. I didn't confide in anyone about my fears except one person who had been through it all.
I guess you really find out who your friends are at a time like this.
Diane
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I don't know whether to say I HAVE breast cancer or I HAD breast cancer.
Hub likes to say that I HAD breast cancer, they cut it out and now it's gone. But is it? Is that the end of it? Because if it is, then yes, I agree, breast cancer is a past tense event, it is over, gone, tralee, tralaa, I am cured!
But hold on a minute (sound of screeching tires). If I HAD cancer and cutting it out was the absolute, forever end to it, why was I radiated, why am I tamoxifated, why am I lymphedated? There seems to be a whole lot of shit still going on including the use of diagnostic mammograms instead of screening mammograms for someone who (past tense) HAD cancer.
To me the word HAD implies that this is a done deal. Because if I say I HAD it, telling everyone that I feel I have beat this thing once and for all, no Olivia Newton John for me, and then it does come back, what do I say? Well, I got more breast cancer? I had it, I beat it. Then lo and behold I got some more of it! Who knew?!
Well I knew! I DO NOT BELIEVE I AM CURED, merely postponed. I think if I was 70 when diagnosed I might live long enough to die of something else and then wow, I guess they were right, I guess I was cured of cancer (since something else killed me). However, I was diagnosed at 53 and I doubt very much I will live to even see 70.
I HAD breast cancer - and went through several surgeries and still taking treatments.
I HAVE breast cancer - and went through several surgeries and still taking treatments.
What is correct. Have or had? Present tense or past? I seriously do not know how to refer to my situation.
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You raise good questions, runor. I just had a friend ask me, "So you've finished all your treatments? You're cured now?" Well, that discussion has already unfolded on this site. There is no cure - there's treatment that makes us NED. Our surgeries and treatments are in the recent past - our hormonal therapy continues so we are still in treatment. If I tell anyone about my BC now, I say I was diagnosed in March.
MJ
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Runor - good question. I say I had cancer, even though I'm still in treatment. It was cut out and all of this is just precautionary. I know all the data and stats, but it helps me mentally.
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good question. I agree. Is it i 'had' it, or am i in some type of holding period. My MO always says I'm in full remission. So is there a partial remission? She did say until I reach 3 years and then 5 she will say remission. I understand with my stats: 3b, inflammatory.
Stupid comment by a good friend: She had to come back for a diagnostic mammogram, and it was clear. She then said she would have just died if she had to go through what i did. Umm, I didn't die.
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Valstim52 - OMG - what a thoughtless comment!!!!
I've had people say to me that they've had minor illnesses - but - "wouldn't know" what they "do" if they "got cancer". Amazing.
Like it's Ok for us to get it - but - not them. WTH.
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