Stupid comments ....
Comments
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At my niece’s wedding last weekend, I saw an accountant that asked how I was doing, (grew up in the same neighborhood, and she used to work for my sister) that said their office was on the same floor as Chemo Cold Caps. She asked if I’d done that, and I told her no, it just seemed like more than my husband could handle by himself. Thought it was quite a coincidence
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Thanks so much for the nail treatment tips. I've only had one pedicure in my life and it was several years ago. I scrub my nail clippers with alcohol wipes before and after every use and always clip the affected nail last. I was surprised that Jublia doesn't have a more impressive track record given its cost and prescription status. I believe Dr. Andrew Weil mentioned Tea tree oil while acknowledging that other home remedies (Vicks, original Listerine, vinegar, etc.) work for different people.
I'd wondered about the laser treatment. Was that performed at a podiatrist's office? I happened to run across an ad, but the facility seemed rather shady. Again, apologies for going off-topic.
Lyn
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I had a business colleague, who knew me well, ask me, 'What have you done to bring this cancer into your life?'
Really, well, I said, 'I don't know, I guess I'm just lucky like that.'
Ack!!
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Royaltea, that really was a stupid comment. You handled it better than I would have. I would probably have told her that I have gotten some stupid questions in my life but that by far was the stupidest question anyone has asked, whether she was a superior or not, and suggest that she get informed.
Sorry she said that. It almost sounded intentional. Who is that dumb?
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VLH -- Yes, my Laser treatment was done by a Podiatrist. His Office is in a Professional District. The cost there is either of two rates -- it depends on the number of nails affected. All of my toenails were treated, but the affected ones got more intensive treatment. I had two toenails affected, so my cost was the lower rate. I think it was $400. My one follow-up treatment session, to treat all my toenails again as in the first treatment session, was included in that cost. The treatment was painless -- just some warmth in the toenails as they were treated with the Laser -- but it did not feel nearly hot, just warm, and that feeling of warmth in any particular nail was only when the Laser was being used on it. The Doctor directed conscientious use of the Terbinafine cream between and following the treatments for a time.
My Laser treatment was done about four and a half years ago. In the interim -- I think it was the next year--, my cure was confirmed by Lab work. If I were to have nail fungus again, I would want the same treatment again.
I understand some cases require more treatments to get resolved. I understand some Doctors charge considerably more, and not all of them include a follow-up round in the quoted cost.
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"I don't know, but whatever it was, it's also really increased the number of stupid questions I get."
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ksusan, perfect response! Another one could be, “I am not sure, but whatever it was, it also brought rude, ignorant people like you into my life.”0
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Ah! Royaltea, what a stupid comment they made. I feel that being diagnosed has removed my filter. I think some people need to be told when their comments are that awful. After I was diagnosed, the day before my MRI, my boyfriend at the time (now my ex)’s dog had a seizure. He was a wreck from the dog, not because of me having cancer. That seemed to be the least of his worries. He asked me what his dog did to deserve this. His dog has a cyst, and he asked me if dogs can get cancer. I just said yes. The timing on his part was pathetic
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That’s brilliant, ksusan!
MJ
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Royaltea, that comment wasn't just stupid, it was violating and blaming! Oh my god. I am mortified. And it's easy here in the comfort of my computer room to think up pithy and sharp retorts. It's like being an armchair athlete, I find it kind of fun. But in the moment, I too have been open mouthed speechless at the STUPID things people say.
Yesterday a lady told me to just cut my boobs off. Just get rid of them if they're that much trouble. Like it's trimming your nails, nip, nip, done, good.
I actually did tell her that at this point, getting rid of my boobs is NOT going to save me. That's like closing the barn door after the horse is out. Yes, in some cases, mastectomy IS the most prudent path. But not all. What I did NOT tell her is all the complications that can come with that surgery. All the life long effects if not months or years of struggling to get back to some better place. Everyone knows women who 'had their breasts off and never looked back'. That's because I think many women do not sit down and share the misery and struggle that losing their breasts can bring. In the face of stupid comments they have decided to edit their realities to the masses. Who can blame them?
If having your kid's tonsils out had a 30% chance that your kid's vocal cords would be ruined and he'd be mute the rest of his life, how many parents would subject their kids to a tonsillectomy? Removal of breasts can affect shoulders, mobility, removal of lymph nodes has its own shit show of misery - I know! I'm there, and I only gave up one node! A hairdresser here in town who lost both her breasts is thinking she'll have to give up her hair cutting career because of pain and inability to use her arms like before. For some, depending on the effects, mastectomy can be career ending! I realize many women do NOT have problems. But people who say 'cut them off' have NEVER laid on a table while a man with a knife hovers over your exposed chest. It's a big, fudging deal and people are so stupidly flippant about it. But before I got cancer and educated myself and researched some of this stuff, I hate to admit, I was firmly rooted in the Stupid category - because I did not know.
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Thank you, Icietla!
It's difficult to think of an appropriate answer on the fly when someone asks something as unexpectedly asinine as what you did to bring cancer into your life. I would want to respond, "Given that even small children get horrific cancers, why on earth would you ask that question? Cancer isn't some divine retribution or the result of a negative attitude or it would never affect a bubbly, innocent toddler. Would you ask such a thing of that baby's parents? We don't get to pick our genomic alterations or none of us would ever face the devastation of cancer."
I think this attitude may go back to the mumbo jumbo concept that bad things only happen when we "invite" them into our lives. I recall arranging my hip replacement surgery several years ago when one of Oprah's gurus was touting that idea. I was so excited to kick the excruciating pain to the curb & return to my busy, active life. My highly-regarded surgeon somehow inserted an incorrect component, requiring a second surgery the following day. Two brutal surgeries in two days put me into kidney failure. I ended up needing a blood transfusion and my hospital stay was doubled. Clearly, the issue wasn't me "inviting" something bad into my life, but rather the lack of redundancies to ensure such an error couldn't be made. I don't know how you didn't blow a fuse!
Lyn
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Solfeo, do you have any idea WHAT part of mastectomy surgery affects shoulder mobility?
I am kicking around the idea of removing both breasts. But at this point that is such a big and scary idea. I remember laying in the surgical room looking at all those hard, cold, metal objects laid out, waiting to cut into my breast. My breast that never hurt anyone in its life and here it was, about to be carved and sacrificed, and I cried. I laid there and cried. So the thought of going in with boobs and coming out with none, yeah, that one stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away. I take my hat off to every woman who has had to face that decisions, willingly or otherwise. That's a big one. No words for it.
What I DO NOT grasp is the mechanics of the surgery and how / why it affects shoulders the way it does. I imagine if I had mine off I'd be an inch taller and 10 pounds lighter, because I have a LOT of boob and they are heavy. I would also be nothing but a huge gut and a big nose ... super sexy! But how does the removal of breast tissue mess up shoulder dynamics? If anyone knows I would like to understand this better.
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ksusan... LMAO. That is the perfect comeback! I have got to remember that one! Hehehe
I had someone ask me today why I looked so tired. My reply: Oh I dunno. Maybe fighting Cancer has worn me out just a bit. What do you think?
Really? Folks gotta tell me I look tired? No duh! I AM tired
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Hello ladies, this is my first post on the forum but I have been coming to this forum ever since I got my diagnosis in January of this year and I must say that it has been a Godsend with the wealth of information and support that I have seen on here and it has also saved my sanity many a time!! So firstly I want to say a big thank you to all of you wonderful people😊
As to regards to stupid comments; a friend of mine ,(who has been so supportive during my cancer journey so I can’t in honesty be too mad at her!!), has asked me at least on 2 occasions if I am depressed and both times I have said to her that while we all have our off days where we feel sad or a little down due to the treatment and it’s side effects and just the whole reality of having cancer ; no I am not depressed, (not to say that I won’t be in the future but I’m not at this period of time ). So the other day she asked me again but this time she started the conversation with, “ I’m just going to ask you a question, I mean I don’t know how you feel and you can tell me the truth or you can lie so I’m just asking; are you depressed or do you feel depressed?”. Once again I said no I’m doing fine and she said , “ maybe you are dealing with it so well because you didn’t get a mastectomy and didn’t loose a boob”. As you can imagine, I was speechless!!😳
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Hi Solfeo, thank you for the welcome😊.
You hit the Nail on the head about my friend and her insecurities and fears .
I think that Maybe I need to start a conversation with her about how she is feeling, What you said about people being forced to face their own mortality is spot on too and a cancer diagnosis is definitely tough on care givers and loved ones.
It’s so great to hear that your positive traits shone through at such a difficult - sometimes we can surprise ourselves with an inner strength that we never realized that we had!.
I know that depression after a diagnosis can hit at any time maybe even years after diagnosis and treatment and if and when that happens I’ll take the appropriate steps to deal with it . Right now I’m in a good place and I wish that she would just celebrate that with me rather than think that I am not being honest or that I’m in denial
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runor-what solfeo says is right. And the tamoxifen does make joints achy which just exacerbates the problem. If you opt to go flat, good posture, wearing your prosthesis, doing your PT, and moving those achy joints are important. If you opted for DIEP flap recon, no one would look at your nose...they’d be too busy marveling over the nice new breasts & flat tummied profile. 😀
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Interesting conversation on the effects of BMX. I chose that route and live flat. Don't even wear prostheses when I dress up. My size D breasts weighed a little over three pounds combined weightand I haven't had a problem due to the surgery. Did experience phantom weight sensation after the surgery but that eventually stopped. Three years after surgery developed frozen shoulder but that was due to bursitis and arthritis I developed in that shoulder but looking back I believe that was starting before my BMX.
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still I don't see my doctor, I will on sunday. also I don't know about the treatment plan. I try so hard to understand my cancer by asking and reading. for example, I don't know what is the meaning of 2/24 nodes in some signature of the BCO here ! how can I know my nodes numbers, all what I know from my report is that I have highly suspection of multicentric disease and metastasis reach to my auxiliary node, and the doctor took biopsy from auxiliary node to check it in pathology lab. I'm lost dear, feeling bad, most of the people not understand my feeling and no close one has same cancer like what I have. so, I feels lonely and scare to sick too much and death. all my family members become doctors through whatup and internet articles, eat this food, no need to eat that and so on..
I read one comment here if you have positive node, sounds bad, may i face a lot of problems, survival rate will decrease, treatment will be more aggressive, and treatment plan will be more long that people not have nodes involved. when I read metastasis or lesion I feel scary and sad. its bad bad bad words, I hate it. so, when I read high suspection for metastasis in auxiliary node and multicentrc disease and search about that, no enough comments and help, however, my mind told me this is rare cancer and also you are alone. oh my god! my life not ok, I don't start anything, no treatment plan, more than 7 weeks from the first diagnoses. I think I'm late, I waste my time to do double test in two different hospitals, sometime I think its better to die, I will try to be positive but its difficulty. I'm dealing with monster cancer, unknowns futures, I am 49 years, I think this disease comes in 70 or 80, not now. I don't know what the doctors will do to me.
I don't know what is the damn meaning of positive node and how it effects my life and treatment plan, DO I will face a lymphedema if the surgery take it out? how many nodes the surgery will take? how can I resist the chemo if the doctors include it in my plan? what is the fuckin multicentric means? what is my suggest stage?
I did bone scan two times within 23 days only between the first and last, the first result shows I have lesion in my tibia, single small active, and normal bone scan, when I did bone scan yesterday, the result shows different, I have uptakes in both knees and shoulders, and doctor write (likely to be arthritic change), and slightly heterogeneous in my spine (likely to be stress changed). and at the end he advised to make MRI because its more sensitive than bone scan, also said bone scan may not detect metastasis well! CT scan not show anything related to bone, what I know is the ct scan also is a powerful tool to check the bone and whole body, why the result of bone scan vary within 23 days? my mind said, the cancer may spread, then I cry about delay of the doctor, my mind alwayes takes the worst scenarios.
I'm grade 3, positive receptor and negative HER2, IDC, around 2.5 cm tumor, and 1.8 cm auxiliary enlarged node with high suspection of metastasis on it.
sorry to write all these lines, but I'm really scare and feels bad and lost in the dark. .no guides, no survive maps, no clear flashforward to the future.
thank you..
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Hi Hope99!
You may find some helpful information on the following articles of the main BC.org site:
Hope this helps!
The Mods
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It is interesting how some of us are affected and some not with the shoulder problem. My BS put no restrictions on me about using my arms yet the discharge nurse told me not to raise them higher than the incision line. I decided to use my arms but reaching carefully. Mentioned it to my surgeon and his comment was "how did she expect you to brush your hair." I'm wondering if being too cautious can set us up for the problem.
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I also wonder if being too cautious can lead to issues. At 8 weeks post mastectomy I still didn't have full ROM which is what my BS and MO were shooting for. At my next appointment, I complained to my BS that I still struggled to reach high. He asked me to go to the wall and do the "finger crawl" as high as I could. I did and as I stood there, he walked up behind and gently pushed me against the wall causing my arm to go overhead. I was shocked and cried out "Oh!" but amazed that it didn't even hurt! I said "I didn't know I could do that!" and he said "Now you know you can." He said we get too cautious sometimes and while I kept saying I couldn't do it, he proved that I could. He said to go home and mark a spot on my wall and pass it by an inch every day till I was back to "normal". (He also muttered something about calling down to the PT department and doing a little "retraining".) When I saw him a couple of weeks later I was 100%. This may not apply to everyone, but it worked for me. I'm a bit of a fraidy cat sometimes so I need some gentle pushes every now and then. Good news is...thanks to BC I've learned to be much more pushy!!
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Hope99: You are overwhelmed right now, and feeling very scared, as we all were when first diagnosed.
May I suggest a few things:
1. Take a friend or relative with you to see the doctor Sunday, let them drive you to and from in this emotional state, you do not need a car accident on top of everything else, due to distractions and worry.
2. Write down your main questions and have your friend take notes to help you remember things, and read any brochures or handouts they give you, and some docs or their ancillary personnel will even sketch out things for you to review, or even let you record the session on a iphone, (with their permission), to help you later rereview, remember, and process.
They will probably talk to you about surgery options, chemo, and radiation, depending on various things. It will all be too much to take in at one time, so plan to take it in slowly.
3. Allow time to make sure you understand everything important and questioms are all answered before agreeing to get work done on you, and get the best and most experienced breast cancer team you can in your area.
4. ASAP, if you have not already done so, call your primary care and talk about your anxieties. You may be a candidate for temporary anxiety medication, to help you get through this toughest period. You need enough sleep, rest and ability to focus on information they will give you. Do you have any contacts in church, or community, other than family, who could help support you emotionally and without judgment?
I am so sorry for your perceived loneliness and the terror you are going through. As others have said, they know the feeling, and it will get better.
I wish you the best. 250,000 women per year in the U.S. are diagnosed with breast cancer, and most do well long term with all the different treatments available. You are *not *alone.
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They had a PT come show me exercises before they released me - like putting your fingertips against the wall and slowly walking them up the wall. I really didn’t have any trouble raising my arms after a couple of days, but was careful to do it slowly.
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Indigo - I agree, your friend is probably imagining how SHE would feel if she were in your shoes rather than actually listening to you when you tell her how you feel. You said "Right now I'm in a good place and I wish that she would just celebrate that with me rather than think that I am not being honest or that I'm in denial", which I think would be a brilliant thing for you to tell her.
The funny thing about tough times are, you never can truly know how you will react until it happens to you. You can imagine all day long how you will respond, but the truth is, your imaginings aren't worth squat. The real test is when you are the one in the middle of it all. I will never forget someone a long time ago said to me "God gives grace to those in need, not to vain imaginations!" That has proven true over and over in my life. Things that I thought I would never ever be able to handle that I saw others going through, I found the grace and strength to go through when they happened to me. I was very surprised that I have not been depressed or even really that upset about my cancer diagnosis. I just went into "get things taken care of" mode right away and have been really upbeat and positive the whole time. Other times in my life, I got very depressed over a lot less. You just never know.0 -
Solfeo, maybe those 34% are not very educated. My BS cheerfully told me at my follow up post surgery "now you are cancer free". I wanted to slap her, but I bet some people do a happy dance and just move on. I wish I was ignorant sometimes.
Rebekah
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My radiation oncologist asked me if I knew why I was there.
Uh...who in the name of god gets here and doesn't know why they're here?!?! Apparently, lots of people. Lots of people can only cope by shutting off their ears, pretending to not know, deliberately forgetting and being confused. I KNOW people like that. They have no idea what their diagnosis is, what tests they are waiting for or what their treatment plan is. It is a way of coping. Not my way, but their way. And I bet anything that it's those 34% Denial is a River In Egypt types who make up that statistic.
I agree Solfeo, stupid study that employs people and applies for grant / research money based on nothing. What is shocking is that someone will GIVE out grant money to study Fear of Death. Who knew humans feared terminal illness, quick, let's study that!
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It is suprising to me. I know every single detail about my cancer committed to my memory. I asked my neighbor what kind of breast cancer she had, you know idc, ilc.. she didn't know. She also never asked about the treatment she was getting. I guess it is a way of coping, I chose to read studies and learn what works and what doesn't.
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I asked a colleague -- and granted, it was about 6 years ago for her -- but she didn't know what type she had. LOL I feel like I've taken a med school course in BC with a side class in ILC.
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at my first meeting with my RO, she told me , “the good news is, we can cure you”. I believed her because I knew nothing about breast cancer. I figured I was home free! It wasn’t until I started reading on this website that I realized none of us are home free
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Capecodgirl, I can't believe I'm about to say this because it's one of the things that drives me nuts when non-cancers say it, "We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow", but the truth of the matter is that that is, actually, sort of, the truth.
I think it is WRONG to tell someone they are cured of cancer, because just as you are finding, reading this site paints a different picture. I see people who are diagnosed with DCIS, hit it hard and show up later on the mets threads and I think, how the hell does that happen?! The ultimate sucker punch! So, cured? Not frickin likely.
You are very new to this. You are raw. We all are raw. We all are jangled and rattled and walk around in the shadow of death in a way that we never used to.
For me, over a year in, these are the thoughts that I am having lately. An attempt to find a balance and find a better way to move forward. Having cancer did NOT increase my chances of death. My death was 100% guaranteed the second I was born. Cancer did not bump that up to 200%. It's not like I was going to live forever and then boo, sucks to be me, got cancer, now I'm going to die and everyone else is going to live forever. No. Death is the one thing guaranteed to us all.
But knowing that HAS NOT made me feel better! We all wear a helmet of stupid that protects us from scary truths like Death and cancer knocks that helmet right off your head and there is no way NOT to know that we are ALL on borrowed time. Cancer has shit all over plans I never even knew I had, like growing old with my husband, or maybe seeing my kid married with children of her own. I might live to see those things, I might not. But before, I never THOUGHT ABOUT IT and thinking about it, man, it sucks hard! It is SHITTY having this radioactive cloud of misery first and foremost in your brain. It feels hopeless. Draining. Pointless. Terrifying. Angering. Frustrating. But mostly, for me, a deep, deep sadness that hurts. I am in mourning. I think we all are.
I feel that this KNOWLEDGE has left me in a messed up bloody heap and I have to get myself to my feet and deal with the mess and the problems and Act Like Nothing Has Changed. Because, in truth, nothing has changed. Chances of death are 100% the same as they were when I was born. Only now I Know About It. I know HOW I might die. I know WHEN I might die (if you read recurrence statistics). I worry that each pain and ache is the Angel of Death swooping in to sit in the living room and eat chips while I get mets. The mental state more than the physical state is the current problem. But that is subject to change without notice because as you have discovered, with cancer, the physical can turn around to bite you on the ass and become an even bigger problem in an instant.
I do not like the word survivor. In fact, I HATE it. It's wrong. I AM A CANCER CONTESTANT. I was dragged into this horrific game show against my will and forced to open door 1, door 2 or door 3 and once you're in the game show, you never truly get out. The only way to get out of this particular Cancer Contestant game is to die of something else.
So, we could all get hit by a bus. Only some of us are burdened with KNOWING about it, where before we really didn't give it much thought. Some of us might die of cancer and some of us might die of something else. But we are all going to 100% be dead, no matter what. And this messed up soup of thoughts is boiling in my head and I am trying to figure out how I ought to feel and how I ought to LIVE with this new truth and reality on my plate. I hope you can make sense of your muddled soup, CapeCod, I think it's what we all are trying to do.
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