Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Yeah, it's hard with argue with twisted logic.
My parents pretty much think that sleeping right, eating right, and exercise will be enough.
I just emailed my parents initial recs from the docs including both chemo and mastectomy, so I'm pretty sure I'll be getting an earful about it later...
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I don't have IDC - hope it's okay to post here because it still applies.
So happy to have found this tread. My mother - a real piece of work - when I told her my diagnosis and tx options, actually said to me, "Imagine how I feel...." When I met that comment with silence, she went on to say "How would you feel if it were your daughter?" More silence from me......."Well, can you take care of my dog while I'm on a cruise next week?" Reply: "Gee I don't know mom, I guess it'll depend on if I've started radiation - we'll see how I feeI." Her reply "well, that's going to be a real problem for me."
ummmmmmm what?
I guess this is really all about her.
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it’s rude but it was kind of a reminder/wake up for me. I’m new to this cancer thing, 5 weeks out of BMX and dealing with TE and sometimes I get so discouraged because I’m tired and I can’t do what I want to do. My BFF looks at me and says, “I don’t know what you think is wrong. It’s not like you have cancer.” I got so upset. I cried. I spiraled down a bit. But, then I thought, well ya dummy, you DO have cancer. Give yourself a break. I may have forgiven her because I know she didn’t mean it to be ugly, I just can’t help how I took it.
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"Well, can you take care of my dog while I'm on a cruise next week?" Reply: "Gee I don't know mom, I guess it'll depend on if I've started radiation - we'll see how I feeI." Her reply "well, that's going to be a real problem for me."
This boggles my mind. Tell her to get a dog sitter or board the dog. Geez. Sorry.
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Damn! From these stupid comments, maybe BCO was successful in "taking the fright out breast cancer" before they even started the stupid campaign! Everyone thinks this is all just a walk in the freakin park! 😵😱😫
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Regarding the comments tlfrank's mom made, I offer this definition:
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others."
(from mayoclinic.org)
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ShetlandPony - thank you for that. I've known this about her personality, but for some dumb reason, I thought this diagnosis would soften her a bit. I try to limit my exposure to her as much as possible. Awful when it's your mother in times like these.
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Today I went to our central office and met with one of our superentendents. He was struggling with what to say and finally said “You look better than I thought you would look considering what you have been through.” Thanks? I mean, I know he meant well but that wasn’t the right thing either. What exactly am I supposed to look like
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tlfrank- I'm sorry, I actually laughed when I read your post. I think our mothers should meet, I'm pretty sure they'd hit it off! It was so similar to the initial conversations with my mother (and many other conversations over the years). Not to offend, I also have a crazy mother and ShetlandPony nailed it! I said to my husband, "she diagnosed my mother and she's never even Met her!" 'm sorry , I know what it's like.
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So I was at an event yesterday (my husband's Rotary Club's annual auction) and a woman I know asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing pretty well. Another woman standing nearby asked me what was going on. I told her I had had breast cancer. Here was her response, made with a dismissive hand gesture: "Oh, they can take care of that easily."
My response: "Yes, I had surgery and radiation treatments and now I'm on medication that is causing me some side effects. I certainly wouldn't say I was glad to have gone through this."
"No," she replied. "But just look at those commercials for St. Jude's Hospital and look at those children and be glad you were so lucky."
What? I'm the first the acknowledge that there are many people out there (including so many on this forum) who had a much tougher time than I did. But does that negate what I went through?
I shouldn't let people get to me but she really upset me!
MJ
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Tappermom, that would get to me too. Yes, people have it worse. There are people who should seriously have their license to free speech revoked!
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Tappermom, I probably would not have been so restrained in my reply to that insensitive woman. Some people may have it worse - however some people have it way better too. It's a relative to the individual, and for her to minimize it would have infuriated me.
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Tappermom, sorry that lady said that to you. She clearly couldn't relate to what you or any of us are going through. So many people truly think BC is a walk in the park and it's not. I also don't think the words easy and cancer should ever be in the same sentence! It's just not. And I don't think someone can really understand that unless they have actually gone through it.
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Thank you all for your love and support! Of course, I knew I would get it here.
MJ
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You’re so right, solfeo! And just today my DH chastised me for not remembering something he had told me. I reminded him AGAIN that my brain is just not working the way it used to. I didn’t have chemo but the anastrozole seems to be messing with my head.
I like your “I count my blessings every day but I take nothing for granted” - so true!
MJ
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People just don't understand that chemo is not the only thing that messes with the brain! Hormonal therapy does too. Just the other day I couldn't remember the term "static electricity". I finally had to describe it! It's very frustrating to say the least!
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My mother has said to me on more than one occasion since my diagnosis "getting old really sucks" (she's 67, hasn't worked in 20 years, has been retired in Florida for 3 and has no health issues) then proceeds to tell me a story she read about TNBC being super aggressive, lagging behind in research, doesn't matter if caught early etc etc. My husband was in the room for one of these and asked her"Are you stupid?" and before she could answer "you need to shut up." I do love him. She's been better behaved simce
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I hear you, lala! I was in a meeting yesterday, typing notes on my iPad. I wanted to write “color” - heard the word in my head, typed a “c” but for the life of me could not figure out what came next. It stumped me for a good minute or two. FYI - I was an English major and editor of our local newspaper for 11 years. I’m a crackerjack speller (proud to say I won my high school spelling bee in 11th grade oh so many years ago!). It’s soooo frustrating!
MJ
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Could STFU be our response to these absurd/silly/inappropriate comments? LOL That sounds like the response I'd like to give.
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Tlfrank - I think I have your mother's twin! Exactly like something mine would say. I finally set some serious boundaries with her a few years ago after she did some very unconscionable things and I went for an extended time not having contact with her for my own sanity. It was an awful couple of years but I learned basically that I can't trust her with my personal life and that she's never going to be the warm empathetic comforter that I would love her to be. So I tell her very little, and don't expect anything from her in return. For me, that helps. My siblings have all come to the same conclusion and about the only things we can discuss with safety with her are the weather and her dogs. Ironically, she seems quite happy with such shallow talk and for the focus to be on her anyway so we actually are all getting along better now than ever. Wish I learned that 50 years earlier!
About the discussion of have vs had cancer, I have been wondering about this too! Someone asked me the week after my mastectomy if I am in remission now. I had no idea. So now I guess I will just say that I had the first of several surgeries and am beginning treatment so won't know for years.
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ready2bedone - my mother is also a master at guilt manipulation. When this whole watching her dog subject came up she presented it like this: "Will you watch my dog for me while I'm on a cruise, or should I take him to Fernando's house and let him hide under the table for a week?" I'm totally serious. I've already resolved myself to have an "intervention" with her when she comes home. I'm just heading into radiation and I don't want to deal with her S*%! during this time.
As far as have vs. had cancer....my boss summed it up nicely the other day. (She had a close friend who died after a 10 year battle with this monster) She said "I'll always be that elephant sitting over there in the corner of the room".
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tlfrank - that is true about cancer, but also makes me sad
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Tlfrank - there's something about having to go through a major crisis that makes you truly appreciate those in your life who are supportive and helpful, and makes you decide you no longer need to put up with all the crazy #*&$ from toxic people in your life. In this regard, I am thankful for the rough things I've been through, traveling through life is a bit lighter without all the baggage!
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So, I have read this thread for over 2 years and considered myself lucky, until this past week. Before then, the only stupid comment I got was from one of my "best friends." She visited me shortly after my first mastectomy. Not only did she stay for 3 hours, she told me, "Oh, you have to have reconstruction, men love breasts!" after I said that I wasn't doing reconstruction. I did end up having reconstruction, but only after I thoroughly researched and soul searched, not because of what men think! She is still my friend, but not as close as we once were. Then, this week in a staff meeting where we were discussing FERPA (privacy laws) as we have a new student with spina bifida, some of my more ignorant colleagues couldn't understand why we can't just tell everybody that he has SB. I tried to enlighten them by saying, "Well, as someone who has cancer, it might have a negative connotation." A colleague who violates privacy issues all the time, waves at me dismissively and says, "That's just in your head, Sherry." I responded by saying "No!" but then was cut off by her. The principal then changed the subject. I really wanted to say, so when you hear the word cancer, your reaction is positive? I hardly ever speak in staff mtgs. and rarely discuss anything about cancer at work, so this really ticked me off. Fortunately, a real friend came to check on me afterwards and understood. The "best friend" from above did not. When I mentioned that the next day, she said, "Well, you are sensitive about that." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "How about you get cancer and let's see how sensitive you are?"
Think I am done with her.0 -
A very close friend whose was the caregiver for her adult (21 year old) son with cancer, gave me wise words about "had / have" cancer.
She said "a cold will never just be a cold."
I am not sure it is "had." The physical cancer may be gone but the cancer affects / effects never leave.
Coach Vicky
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I stopped by my old school to say hi and one of my coworkers from there said. “You look tired. I mean, you look good, but you really look tired.” I thought to myself, “No s#!+ Sherlock. I AM tired, but thanks for noticing how tired I look and letting me know!” I should have said it out loud, because then she tells me how her sister in law had BC and it spread and now it’s in her spine and her brain and she isn’t going to make it. WHY would you tell me that? WHY? I’m not freaked out enough as it is without people telling me how other friends and family have only months to live because of BC. Sigh. Today was just a day. Tears were shed
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Why, oh why are people so insensitive? My sil proceeded to tell me all about someone with colon cancer and how when they opened him up he was full of cancer and died within 6 months. Right before my surgery! I learned after that to just say, "I don't want to hear that" if anyone else started a dead and dying story. I saw my twin pass from MBC, so I know full well the devastation of this disease, thank you. I don't need Joe blow to enlighten me.0
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I was explaining to a friend how my risk for recurrence was around 30% and that if it comes back it could be in the liver or spine etc and she said “Well anyone could get liver cancer, I could get liver cancer”. She thought she was being so positive.... I get really tired of the half glass full people. BC sucks, I dont need anyone to tell me it doesn’t
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Ignorance is bliss. Not too bright in my book
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It makes me sad when my mom complains about how hard it is getting old.
She's had no idea how hard it is for me to hear someone complain about getting old -when I'm not sure I'll live long to become old.
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