STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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flat, I am sorry you had to deal with an a$$hole of a boyfriend during BC treatment too! WTF is wrong with these men? They are just breasts for pete's sake! Did he think you liked the idea of having them taken off? We are also pretty attached to our body parts but sometimes they betray us. I had a tiny DCIS and chose lumpectomy but you can bet your life if I felt I wanted a MX or needed one, I would do it without worrying about what my husband thought of the "look of it." The fact that he did not come to your daughter's service speaks even more to what a jerk he is. You are way better off without him around.
I love the idea of a flower tattoo to help to remind you of the beauty you possess, with or without your breasts. You sound like you have dealt with the loss of him very well. Good for you!!
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Greytmph2, your situation goes beyond simply needing to vent. On another thread you said, " My boyfriend is threatening violence if I continue on with treatment but because of this illness, I am dependent on him." PLEASE TELL SOMEONE ON YOUR MEDICAL TEAM what is going on. Tell the hospital's social worker or a nurse. Tell them you are in an abusive relationship, and that you are afraid you would not be able to pay for treatment if you left. They can help you look for another way. Also, I googled and found this resource: 888-774-2900 Coalition Against Domestic Violence for your state. Best wishes. Be strong. Ask for help.
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Grey, I don't know where to begin! First of all, get a plan in place for your safety. Call the social worker and ask for help, and lots of it. Then make a plan to get out. You do not need anything from that piece of crap BF. You will find a way. I have been down that road and it is hell on earth to live like that and you need to take care of you first of all. I thought I wouldn't make it when I caught my ex a-hole, but I have been alone since 11-14-2004 and I am still living and surviving. Survived the ex and all that crap, and survived BC. Get your bad ass on and you will be surprised what can happen when you pull up those cancer killing boots and stomp on everything in your path.
I HATE it when I hear all these awful things that happen to us, stupid comments, and terrible family. My brother wanted me to send all of the pictures that I have from Mom so he can have his daughter make a slide show for her funeral, she is still living!! WTH?? Maybe he thought I was going to die and he needed them for the funeral. My plan, I donated my body to research at the local medical school, my cremation is taken care of, and I am hoping and praying that the last check I write bounces! And I really love it when people I know ask me how long I have left. Who does that?? So I tell them longer than you with a creepy evil smile on my face. Isn't cancer enough for us to handle??
And one more, we all have a lot to lose - our lives!! Can't fix stupid.............Cheryl
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I second the motion. Tell the nurses, social workers, preacher, anyone that will listen. At the very least the asshole BF is not paying your bills and you will not be beholden to him.
Are you the beneficiary to his life insurance...'cause I know a guy who knows a a guy. Know what I mean? ( raising eyebrows, evil grin).
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Flatsy, BevJean, and all....I've been dxed since early Feb 2015 - when I joined this forum, I called myself Vol (I'm a TN sports fan)...that's the only screen name I could think of...then after spending some time here...I re-named myself...December...it seemed fitting. Others who have seen my ranting posts, almost down right mean...and very discouraging to most, I'm sure....will wonder how Iof all the ranters here, I haven't found this thread before. Had more chemo Tues, so I'm too tired to enjoy my usual temper tantrums...but I wanted to speak out and say...I get it!
After my 1st round of chemo, I was ready to never do it again. And I discovered Hydros...normally I hate pain pills and they make me sick...but they are my best friend now. I don't even care i I get addicted. What ever gets you through the night.
The digestion problems have been horrible. Lots of pain in my lower ab and i don't know what to take...a stool softner or something for diarehia...because I can't tell if I'm horribly constapated (which I think usually I am because of the pain) but when I finally get to C*&P, I pour out water in a gush....just glad I don't take those "farts" for granted as being farts. What an embarrasing mess that would be!
Hey, if we can't rant about this sh*%%$y stuff here, where can we? And believe me, until the ugly "C" came into my life, you never heard a foul word out of my mouth! Now it feels so good to say "fart" and "shit" and even F*&K! I stay away from the GD words, though - still counting on the Lord to pull me through this crap - either in living or dying.
My chest, too, hurts all the time...my TEs are killing me, my right arm from the Auxillary surgery is killing me, my body aches all the time. Everyone has always thought of me as so strong...and none of my family or friends know how bad I hurt, how sad I am, how weak I feel, and mainly how alone I feel. I'm always alone. I feel abandoned..but I don't want to be a burden to my adult children, or my family who lives out of town...or to anyone...so, as far as they know, I'm just hunky dory.
Like so many others here, I've had more heart aches in my life than I can count...before the cancer. I've lost my job, my identity, my lover and best friend, my son never even calls, my husband of 25 years became abusive about 10 years ago and I had to leave for my own safety (and yes, I still miss the good parts of him - hope his new woman can take the abuse better than I could)...and I've experienced too many deaths and suicides.
It was just a few years ago that I had the whole world in my hands - could manage anything that was thrown at me...I was young for my age, beautiful, full of energy and positive thoughts...actually thought I was a big help to to world.
But all that is gone. Now, I'm bald (always had long thick, hair) getting fat (yep, even with the chemo, all I can eat is ice-cream...and I've always been so skinny)---I know I'm ugly on the inside and out now. It's so hard to describe unless you are talking to people who have "been there".
I don't know how much longer I can keep my house. I'm broke and on food stamps for the first time in my life. I think I've got about $23 bucks in the bank...a dollar maybe in my wallet. I've given all my savings to my children over the past decade. I don't know what the future holds for me. And often, I just don't care. Amazing that I've not taken my own life yet...just figure that's not my call. But I would welcome death - as much as I love my grandsons...I figure I can enjoy them from Heaven just as easily.
I, too, just don't care anymore. There's only one thing left to be taken from me, and that's my life. Which brings me no joy so hey, what the F^%K!
I'm so disappointed in so many people...in the world...and yes, even in God right now. So, I do understand.
No one here is really alone. I guess it's true...misery loves company.
I too, hate the pink shirts...I don't want to hear, keep fighting...this isn't a fight, this is an ambush! I'm sick and tired of all of it..and just wonder, what's the point.
You try your whole life to be a good person, live right, all of that stuff...and, this is how it ends? Bull Shit.
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Well I was going to complain about the dreaded upcoming husband's family reunion. But oh my God, my problems are not that bad when I hear of Grey's and December's rants. Crap when every aspect starts going bad something good has GOT to happen.
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Grey. I understand it is your choice ,keep strong and good luck, I'm a little sad but you do what you need to do for you.0 -
Grey, please don't give up on YOU! As hard as it is, there is help available. You have to advocate for yourself. Please seek help from a counselor or social worker. If you don't have treatment, this could have very bad consequences that could impact your future life. There is a lot of help available. Please call 211 infoline and tell the counselor on the phone what you are going through/feeling. They will help you to get the help you need with both paying for care, medication etc. and your mental health. Don't delay! Please.
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Grey, we are all here to support you however you need.
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Deleted last nights rant. It felt good to get it off my "chest"...but no reason to pull anyone else down. It's just this Chem/SEs never stops! For anyone in an abusive relationship....take all the great advise that has been posted... It's really good advise. No one, especially anyone sick, deserves that kind of treatment!
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December you don't need to delete your rant this thread is here for you. Your medical team should have choices for you if this chemo regimen get too much tell them that maybe CMF could be done instead. Hang in. You too Grey.
You are not pulling me down I forgot all about my dreaded SILs when I read your story.
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Grey, glad you are back we are here for you. If you choose chemo you should talk to chemo veterans here. Some people really don't have that bad of a time. Ice for mouth sores, drugs to help se's and cold caps to save hair. When I told my mo I won't do Act he suggested CMF which can be much easier. I chose only to do AI'S only. Remember doctor's are advising you with their expertise in the end you chose.
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Grey, I don't know exactly what to say except we are thinking of you and willing you to find your way and end up with life being better for you. Things are complicated, but I sense that you are developing some direction, strength, hope, and control. (What do PE and ED mean?)
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Grey, I don't mean to tell you what to do but if it were me I'd get another BF and a different Mo. I don't consider myself damaged goods and I won't let an MO dictate to me either. But that is me, there are many studies showing cold caps are safe and effective. There may be a very slight chance of skull mets but that risk is really for you to decide. Make sure you are happy with your treatment, it is your decision
I look and pretty much feel great my husband is soooo lucky to have me.
One thing I do agree with you on is you state your under extreme stress don't make a decision until you can reasonably pick your plan of action, but don't wait too long because your options may run out.
It is your life and future, don't sell yourself short.
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I know how you feel my mo is the best around here I felt apprehensive not doing his recommended treatment plan but he just said I will keep a close eye on you. So far so good 4 years later. If you choose to pursue cold caps penguin is good BCO member Hortense can tell you more or you can contact them directly. It is such a personal choice your family needs to support you and your decisions. I don't know how old you are as far as wanting children in the future. I'm older and my kids are grown I didn't have to worry about that. Good luck and keep getting information so you can make your treatment plans.
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wow it's that many 550 thousand. I have been lucky as far as my support team no complaints there. My husband is managing things as well as he can and my three children are helping and dealing I am proud of them. I'm newly diagnosed stage four hormonal breast cancer with bone mets. So I'm really pissed, I the harder thing is the randomness of it all. I was fit healthy active had horses. Now my life if totally changed I have people patting my arm all the time looking at me like I'm already dead. I hate pitty don't friggin pitty me. I had a doctor death oncologist experience as well. You know the guy who chats with your husband will your sitting there topless discussing the merits of your soon to be removed breasts. This same asshole scheduled. Me for chemo three times then canceled in the mean time I cut off all my hair thinking I was going bald....now I'm on hormone drugs and will have no chemo or surgery because I'm a lost cause . I'm so tired of crying and being afraid.
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o Grey. Wish I could hug you right now. You need new 'people' in general around you. Obviously I don't know you or your physical appearance, but none of that is true. Everyone has beautiful features. And besides, physical beauty fades, inner beauty doesn't. I'd much rather have someone in my life that knows this and loves me for me, faults and all (single mom-12 yrs. last 3 have been spent single and I'm good with that).
I'm a firm believer in believing in you, doing you. We can't change anyone else, but we can change ourselves.
You are surrounded with too much negativity. You need some positive energy around you. Losing you hair is hard. Didn't expect it to hit me like it did. I'd go sit outside in the early early morning or late late night (chemo weeks) and just run my fingers through and large amounts would come out. But it felt good to take control of the situation. If it was going to fall out it was going to do so On My Terms!! Lol
December, your post was hard to read yesterday. I certainly understand feeling so down. I have surgery next Friday, and still haven't decided uni or bi. It's driving me bonkers weighing all the pro' and con's. Suicidal tendencies run in my family. I'm the only one that hasn't attempted on my maternal side. I know there are people that love you dearly. I wish I could give you a hug also! I know I could use a good one today!! Nesting and preparing to be down physically for a while and hope my kids don't make a mess of what I've cleaned prior to surgery lol
Either of you are welcome to message me anytime. I'm not that far into this road, just finished chemo 7/28. But I'm a decent listener
And I hate to think of anyone walking this road surrounded with so much negativity. Neither of you need or deserve it.0 -
greytmph2
Dump his ass I'm sorry but no woman is damaged goods. This makes me boil over I hate knowing that their are woman out there being treated this way. You are a star , beautiful and special and let no insensitive doctors or asshole boyfriends tell you different. You need to create yourself a nurturing loving group of people.You started here that's great I have found so many wonderful people through this awful situation. Some people I have had to ditch I don't have time to mess around and neither do you. This was a backward rant I guess
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Wendy, so sorry. Don't know what to say to you but I'd be angry too
Wish I knew what else to say. (((HUGS)))
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I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with all of this negativity. What I can't understand is why people think getting DX with BC is our fault. Seriously like we asked for it and now that we have it we have leprosy and our so called friends and family members, really shameful, are acting like vultures. Good grief. We all know what happens when a Will is read they come out of the woodwork but BC?
Boyfriends and even DHs show just how shallow they are obsessing about our looks or loss of. How would they feel if the situation was reversed? It's a hell of a time with all we have to deal with to find out. Our friends who purport to be our friends but we find out they are in name only. It's like better or worse but they are banking on it never being the worst. Convenient.
I do have a supportive DH but I also keep my game face on most of the time. My youngest son was really emotional when I was first DX. Not as much now. I am 4 years out. I have Stage 1b and dodged chemo so my treatment - 33 Rads- wasn't as difficult as it was for some of you. Still my DS has friends who lost their mothers to cancer and that scared him.
I'm sick and saddened by all of the drama, financial concerns and fallout from our so called support team as a result of this DX. On the plus side there are still people who do care and Drs who don't treat us like a statistic.
There are no guarantees for any of us no matter what stage we are. All we can do is live and appreciate every day. Not trying to be morose but it's the reality of having this disease.
Diane
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I have never posted on this thread but feel compelled to now.
Grey, my heart goes out to you. Please contact your hospital's social worker, the ACS or anyone and everyone you can find to provide support through treatment.
Dump the mo. Run as fast as you can and find another.
Last, and I apologize if my bluntness offends you. Lose the man. No one should ever subject themselves to any kind of abuse just so they can say they have a man. You are worth far more than that piece of trash. He is not a man, but a selfish coward. Real men, real human beings, do not treat others like this! And, if your family thinks that having a man, regardless of the price you're paying, is that important, you may have to distance yourself from them too. Put yourself first!
I spent 23 years married to an abuser. I made all sorts of excuses for him and why I had to maintain the relationship. I damaged myself, and worse, my children in the process. I broke free 8 years ago. My daughters and I healed (some issues remain but we keep working on it) and all of us have never been happier. It was not easy, but it was worth every bit of the struggle.
Wendy,
I am also stage IV, with very limited bone mets. I had rads to the met on my femur and take Femara. No chemo but this does not mean anyone is giving up on me. This is reasonable tx for hormone + stage IV. I have just entered my 5th year of NED. I still work full time, travel and enjoy life. PM me if you have any questions or check out some of the stage IV threads.** Disclaimer- I did have a bmx because it was thought I was stage II. Six weeks later, bone met was found, which then changed my tx plan.
Wishing all the best.
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grey, not saying should or not but the actual Pet Scan is not bad I have had worse procedures. My daughter died from pulmonary embolism 6 months ago so I know that world now too. Life can suck and does most of the time just saying.........be tougher than it or at least try........
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hugs back at you
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Been following this thread lately .. I just haven't posted in a while. My computer died on me and I had to get another. Grey, December, all of you really .. I just wish I could put my arms around all of you and give a great big hug. None if this is fair to any of us. I was going to write something about my own vents, but mine really pale in comparison right now to most of what I'm reading.
Grey, really, you are early into this DX still. For me, it took a couple of months to even sink in .. I'd wake up every morning thinking it was just a bad nightmare. Then my emotions would go haywire and I couldn't even think straight I won't go so far to say you are in shock, but it does take time for all the things being thrown (and it's a lot) at you to sink in. It's also the time you're forced to make big decisions, and that's the worst.
I was also told my nodes were clear after the CT scan. I don't know why they did a CT on me when others get a MRI. But anyway, sure enough, after surgery, I had one lymph node involved. I thought to myself, what was the point of that expensive CT scan. I just don't understand. Did it miss that, did it grow fast, or was the one reading the CT scan results wrong. Nobody could give me an answer. In fact, they just looked blank when I even asked about it.
I am glad you found these boards. We are here for you - for everybody. And I wish I had found them sooner and read up. I would have learned what I needed to learn .. read others experiences, side effects, problems, etc. ..... and not let the medical system rush me or make me feel small about my concerns. My concerns were important, at least to me. Actually, that was one of my vents. Wishing a peaceful day for everyone, or as peaceful as it can be, anyway.
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Grey,
My heart goes out to you in every possible way. It is difficult, and even tempting, to put your head in the sand, but that changes nothing. Not having a PET, does not make things go away. As far as not believing anything, results from biopsies are not set in stone. Only the results from surgery yield the whole picture. So there is no deceiving, but a biopsy is just a preliminary look see for cancer. It yields some details, but doesn't give the full story. An mo who tells you, before a scan, that you should put your affairs in order if mets are found? Well, I suppose all of should have our affairs in order, but you really must find a new mo. I was stage IV six weeks after my bmx. My mo and RO gave me realistic information and lots of hope. Not a single word about death, based on my situation. I have over 4 years of NED and my life is full and happy. Why would a doctor fill you with gloom and doom when you don't even have the whole story yet? Everyone's story is different but your mo seems to be writing the prologue before you've even started chapter 1.
Take care.
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OK here is my rant: Hate taking Anastrozole every day beause it is a daily reminder of the stinkin BC. So I also have joint pain and fingers swell up which is a side effect I am told. Breast that had the lumpectomy last Sept. and radiation completed Jan. is still tender to the touch and partially numb. So I also had the Reclast infusion via IV due to osteopennia and was very sick next day with bad flu like symptoms. Called the Doc and they said it is a common side effect. Oh and one more rant: Now I have a small lump on the OTHER side they are watching with mammog every 6 months. I say with my history why not just go ahead and biopsy the darn thing so I can stop worrying...ah yes BC the gift that keeps on giving.
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Beachlady28, it surprises me too that they have not suggested a biopsy yet. With my dense breasts, I think they probably would have. Not to be a smart ass, but knowing my breast center, they would probably do several. Just curious, were you ever diagnosed with dense breasts?
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I saw a professional photo exhibit of Iceland. One picture captured a volcano explosion and stream of hot red flowing lava in beautiful colors of orange and red. I said 'that's it, that's how I feel". Now when I am ready to explode outwardly I look at the photo I took of it on my phone and let it do the screaming for me. I am too tired to scream, it seems like it would be too much effort. But in my head I am yelling about feeling worse after treatment than during it. My breast hurts ALL the time, the swelling has not gone down and I am supposed to spend 40 minutes a day massaging it but of course the lymph pump that would do it for me was declined by my insurance, I am reduced to wearing tight sports bras 24x7, my internal temperature feels about 150 degrees all the time, I am constantly exhausted and my brain feels like it is in a fog. My BFF keeps telling me about her mother who had DCIS removed 20 years ago and never had any SE's and maybe STRESS is causing my SE's and probably caused my cancer. This week she sent me a b-day card telling me to "Be HAPPY, you could be living on the street or in a 3rd world country in a thatched roof hut". WTF? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I over reacting? My DH told me to forget it....
Oh, and lets not forget my anger at the lovely staff at the ONCO office who told me that the fact I am not feeling well is not due to the drug and they weren't interested in seeing me? I'm sorry, but really? Who am I supposed to be discussing my CANCER issues / concerns with?
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BC2015, forget the stupid card, and her as well.
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HI kittysister,
Yes I have dense breasts. The "good side" left breast had a cyst aspirated 9/03, then also had 2 biopsies 6/98, and 12/07:all benign. Am thinking of asking for a biopsy of the small lump on the left when I see the Surgeon for the 6 month recheck on the cancer lumpectomy done on the right 9/14. From what I researched, alot can happen in 6 months, you can jump a stage. And the left is still a BIRAD 3 - which means "probably benign". Well "probably" does not sit well with me. Would insurance cover an elected biopsy?? Then again, how many times can a body withstand invasive procedures before actually causing an infection?
Anyone with any ideas or issues like mine, please post.
Ah stinking BC - not only the gift that keeps on giving, but also the gift that raises many questions...
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