My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Ok, just wanted to stop in. I’m stable!! Good news, and he’s dropping my dose to 100mg due to side effects. My tumor markers are still rising, higher then ever but the ct scan bone scan show no new tumors. So I’ll take it! Will see how I do on 100mg
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stress is starting to hit hard for this surgery. Whoa. What was I thinking ? Scared would be a good word maybe. Not ready for more pain. Cancer sucks. Cancer is sad. Cancer ruins things. Families,people. Love. Life. Innocence and we just have to struggle everyday to just get the basics done. Is it too much to ask to keep the body parts we were born With??? Too much to ask?? Why does all the shit happen when you have had enough stress to last a lifetime. It makes no sense to me. How things like this happen. No one can even do anything about it. Except pump us full of poison that eventually come out somewhere else later. I hate you cancer. Leave us alone. ~M~
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Gracie~ congratulations my sweetheart. Ibrance does work. It's just a hard medicine with fatigue. I wish you much much luck in the new doseage. That should make a good difference for you. I am sending you hugs love and kisses! Go ibrance!!!!! Much love ~M~
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SEnding lots of love right back to you Micmel!!! Keeping you in my prayers too for this surgery! I know it’s going to be hard but truly if I could go back and do it all over again I would have reconstruction! That’s been one of my greatest regrets through all of this, that I didn’t have reconstruction! It would’ve made a huge difference in the way I looked at myself, and may have just changed everything! So know that you’re in my prayers and I’m checking in every once in a while to make sure you’re OK!
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Gracie~ thank you honey. That really helped me. 🦋💜🌹. I adore you. Hugs and love ~M~
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Keetmom, hope you are feeling ok today.
Love your pictures Tanya, and illimae, and more snow! How I miss travelling. I travel between Spain and UK and Ireland, but how I long for real distance. When I was first diagnosed and treated and well again DH and I travelled to Canada,Thailand, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Singapore, also within Europe. I realise I will never be able to do all that again, but I am so glad I did. Now I feel sometimes it is just too stressful to think about.
Micmel, try not,to think too much about next week. Try to look forward, it will soon be over and done, and you will be on the mend, feeling positive again about yourself. You are a strong woman!!
3 sessions of radiotherapy done this week. Treatment week next week. Sick of hospitals, sick of being sick, feeling very sorry for myself ladies. Know there are others feeling this way. Group hug. Love to all x
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Minnie~ the sentence you ended your post with is exactly how I am feeling today and this entire week really. There really are no words for when rock bottom hits and we feel weak and weary tired of fighting something they can see and know it's there.... but can't remove it? Or kill it!! They tell us to keep fighting keep fighting. You're doing great. Really ? I feel like an analpore daily. A gammot of side effects that only some can be controlled, only to discover you have to switch tx now because the shit is smart?? That's what I have to look forward too? Second line of therapy, when that time comes.
If they say I am in remission. Why do I feel so freaking awful?? All of the time. Sweaty, tired, aches, somedays dizzy, some days headaches, from all of the medicines we are forced to have to take. To get through the awfulness of what we are living. It effing sucks. Somedays I just seriously think, why am I putting myself, my kids and my precious loving sweet DH through all of this.... to what experience progression and end up dying way too young? Why should they all have to suffer literally with me, as an albatross around their necks pulling them under the water like cement shoes. Watching me cry, watching the anger and scanxiety, the ups and downs of who I have become, the way I slip in and out of this person I am forced to be. Even if I want to hide, I can't. Even if I hate speaking just the smallest sentence to anyone in my house.... it seems to take effort and energy. That i just seem to be loosing daily. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just fall asleep and never wake up. Just let them get on with their lives and put away the darkness that is constantly filling our everyday.
Even if no one wants to admit it....... that gray cloud is me. The darkness is me.... the anger is me.... the sadness is me..... in a constant movie projector roll of a gutted loop of film that had once shown a happy woman who would have never needed anything else ..... now the loopplays my impending cancer diagnosis as if the movie was being played on television as a rerun that never ends. I realize that no matter who I am to you. I am a burden, I don't function like I used to for anyone or towards anything and That is a heavy burden to carry around isn't it ? Bad day huh? More like Swiss cheese of a life I have to live. Hoping you're all doing better than I am ! ~M~
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My thoughts exactl
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most days anymore I don’t know what I would do without you all to understand how I feel. You ladies are diamonds 💎 in my rough! Love you all ~M
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Micmel, I read your words and the hair stands up on my arms because I can absolutely identify. I literally bristle in the presence of your raw and real truth. We all fear where this roller coaster ride is going to take us. You have a lot to struggle with and I hear the weariness and sadness and bitter disappointment in your words and I wish to hug you, and bring you a cup of tea and just sit with you and then pour some whisky into your tea and paint each of your toenails a different colour.
If love could float on winds and sift under your door your house would be full of swirling energy and murmuring voices of women, so many women, who daily walk the walk that you also walk. IT would be a thick fog of comfort and strength. You can't see it. You can't feel it. But it is there. We are hugging you now.
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Runor, could you come to my house next? What you said brought tears to my eyes. I am feeling like Micmel wrote today, and what you said....Wow! Words are so powerful!
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I too, am sick and tired of this disease, I am sick and tired of being sick and 😫. Sick and tired of a house full of people, sick and tired of dealing with mil problems, sick and tired of worrying about Dh upcoming surgeries, wondering how I, I who is exhausted, hurting, aching, dizzy. How will I dress him, how will I bathe him, how will I drive him to pt, when I feel like this?
Hugs and prayers.
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Bigbhome, I know your fears. I was the primary caregiver for my husband the last year of his life. Not going to lie to you, it wasn’t easy and I didn’t have cancer to deal with at that point. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in your fears and worry and I will be praying for you! Big hugs!!!
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Seems like we are all on the same page this week. It's overwhelmingly enough everyday. But then look ahead into years. I am two years and three months out from my diagnosis and it still feels like yesterday someone told me I was loosing my hair, my breast, and possibly my life. It also seems that for some reason having cancer doesn't be seem to be enough for someone .... throw on top other issues. Like Bigbhome mentioned. DH worrying about him, MIL worrying about her. We have enough to do deal with just having cancer. Why does shit keep piling up?
Medical Bills, deductibles that add up yearly and are staggering because of the debt piling up. I think the shit piles up and that is what makes me loose my will to fight. I watch other people needing help around me. And I am useless with worry just like Bigbhome just said. “How will I get all this done “. “I am so sick and tired". How are we expected to endure more? And why? We clearly have more than we can take. It makes no sense at all. I could beat my head against the wall for hours and nothing would change, except adding a Head ache. It is like living in quick sand, and then once we wade out of that, the quick sand turns into muddy muck thick and deep, while we are on our knees trying to do the simplest things, like offering to take care of our sweet DH's should they need it. Or even tying to make a grocery run without looking like death warmed over. I have this surgery Friday. Maybe it will give me back a-missing piece of me, maybe not. But the suffering I see and hear makes me more than angry, it makes me want to crawl away and hide, like a wild animal does in the wild, when they know that there time has come. At least then, I wouldn't hear the word cancer and I would not be struggling and fighting with everything I have, against an enemy I can't see or punch or kick or even have a chance against. My mind set changes daily it seems, I was just starting to settle into my 40's. Extremely happily married. Extremely and there are not enough extremelys to get my point across.. and then the channel changed! My remote will no longer go back to the channel that used to be my life. It's all gone. Now I am this broken vessel that leaks fuel daily, and never runs right ever. That is who I am now. And forever. I'm sorry if you all ever have felt this way.. it truly sucks. And I would not wish that on anyone. But if you do, and if you are feeling this way, you're not alone. They don't say misery loves company for nothing. I care for you all so very much. Much love ~M~
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Gracie, bigbhome I took care of my DH too. But not an mil with Alzheimer's. I did have BC during his last year. I did surgeries, Abraxane and rads to chest. I had my last rad the same day he died. HOW? I have no clue. If anyone had told me I would have to do that, I would have said No WAY. But, there was a way. It all worked out in some miraculous ways. We are stronger than we think we are when necessary.💞
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Let’s all go to bigbhome’s house! We’ll do some housework, help out with mil, lay out some skinny jeans and a concert tee for DH, then relax by the pool doing shots and getting our toenails painted.
That’s the image that popped into my head, I hope it provides a laugh and doesn’t sound disrespectful. Wishing you all a mellow weekend 🙂
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You are right, Grannax. It's just that this has been going on for weeks, and there just doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Almost six years with cancer. Am I grateful to be here, yes! Am I also tired of the se's, the roller coaster ride, yes! Am I grateful dh did not die in the accident, yes. Am I tired of all the dr's, tests, along with all my Dr's and tests, yes. Am I grateful that mil and sfil are safe in assisted living, yes. Am I tired of organizing, scheduling, filling out paperwork, meeting with realtor, lawyers, estate sale people, yes. Am I tired of dealing with daughter and sil, who want to rob them blind, yes. Am I tired of 1 sil, who is apparently ok with doing the same, yes. I want my house back, I want to only focus on Dh, I want to see my grandsons, ride my horse and not have to think about all this mess. Sorry for the wad of self pity.
Gracie, thanks for your thoughts and prayers! I have to say that I am relieved to see you! I have been worrying about you.
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Ha! Mae, you crack me up!! Sounds great to me! Oh, except no tee shirt for Dh, he can only wear button down and you have to button it! Shots and toenails! Can each one be a different color? I can make kick-ass margaritas!
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yup! Runors going to paint them! FYI, I’m pretty good at drinking kick ass margaritas
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bigbhome Kick everyone out of your house, take the battery out of your phone and throw it in the pool, go for a long ride. Then stay invisible to everyone except your DH until he is recovered. You have done enough, the rest will have to wait.💞
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I'll bring some gin to the pool party, and some nail polish. There is nothing like the company of female friends (especially if we were all together). We understand what each and everyone of us is going through. I had a duvet day today, slept so much and feel better for it. You are all in my thoughts even though we are a world apart
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Can I bring chocolate? It has always been my miracle food
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I feel the same way ladies. You are a wonderful circle of friends. I would love nothing more than to be in your presence, it would be an honor. Although I may never want to leave your sides. We my have to have a large compound like sister wives but instead we'll be MBC sisters. That way everyday we can always help each other. Always have a ride, always have that milk you need or a cup of sugar. Or a good old cry. It sure would do me. Bunch of good. Sometimes when I sleep. It makes me feel worse during the day. I usually wake up with a headache. That's miserable. But around 330 to 530 I hit my wall and most days give in to it. Then the feeling like shit goes away, I start to feel a little Better, so why would I want to go to sleep again. So I end up staying up way too late and the circle starts all over again. Ugh! Like Minnie said... much love from all over the world. ~M~
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Runor~. Oh how I adore you my friend. You're words are like whispers in the wind. Thank you for those kind words. Bigbhome~ sending hugs to you. I'm sorry you're also having a hard time. You're on my mind.
Lynne(50's)~Chocolate delicious. White, dark chocolates, or what's your favorite? I love chocolate as well. It's one thing I find hard to let go of as much.
Mae~ you're always right on time. As I remember the picture of your colors of skinny jeans laying all perfectly in a row! Beautiful rainbow. Which is what we all need!
Grannax~ you darling woman. Always make me smile. My wedding shoes came in, they are prettier in person. Now I have to practice walking....instead of falling.
Minnie ~ beauty, i am Sorry you’re also having a hard time with pain! That Will drain you every time! Zaps all energy all enjoyment!
Much love to all ~M~
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...... on a happier note my MOB dress shoes came in and I love them. They are way prettier in person and the picture doesn't do it justice!0 -
Come on, Micmel! What are you waiting for? You know what those shoes are, don't you? Those are the magic kind. The click together three times and wish a tornado out of the sky, kind. Close your eyes, see us all at your house in one big toenail painting, whisky sipping, house cleaning bunch of craziness where bad hair days and lopsided boobs are just A-Okay! Now click those heels my dear and repeat, there's no place like home, there's no place like home........
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runor, love it. I can feel that tornado starting to lift me up, quick grab the gin, nail polish, any chocolate I haven't already eaten. I'm on my wayyyyyy!!!
On a brighter note, feeling more human, and realise my illness must dictate what I do each day, instead of trying to fire on all guns as I always did. More rest.
Micmel, love those shoes, this is going to be a gorgeous wedding. Stay strong, my friend. Will be holding your hand till Friday and beyond
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you guys crack me up. That helps me tremendously! Thank you each for being here and part of this support. I still can't Believe I am less than a week out. Now. I think I can i think I can. Click click come on shoes. Do your magic!! 👠 👠 ruby red slippers activate. Lol oh wait that was kid powers!! Darn.... thought I was on to something there.... I could use a manicure! Gonna be a windy week in my house. Since I'll need you all surrounding me! Much love~M~
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lol micmel, it’s “wonder twin powers, activate!”
DH and I said this as we clinked rings 🤜🤛following our wedding vows. It wasn’t even planned, we just looked down at our newly jeweled hands and dorked out.
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lmao love that Mae. I don't think that is dorky. I think it shows you found your person. That is a story to tell forever!!!! I shouldn't be surprised. You seem to have that sense of coolness about you and so does your DH! We are close in age. I totally remember that show! Lol watched it all the Time.! Having friends for dinner tonight ? What's on the menu ? Have a blast. Much love ~M~
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