My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Good morning! I agree with this northeast weather...very rainy summer. I hope this doesn't mean a lot of snow for the winter. Although this will be the first winter in 15 years that I won't have to deal with getting to work in the snow, I worry about my kids and everyone else. I get my hair colored every 6-8 weeks. I've done it for years, my onc never mentioned hair color. It makes me feel good, I'm all gray without it. I say go for it! I've been blessed that I have never lost my hair, have never had IV chemo, only hormonals and now Ibrance.
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Hi Lynn!! Good morning to you! I didn't even think about snow! I agree with you about hoping the snow isn't bad this winter either. I'd be happy with one 6inch storm, just to say we had snow this year. But as I get older and now with this MBC diagnosis, I don't even want to go out in either extreme heat or extreme cold. I don't like it at all. I was never afraid to drive in the snow. But now my kids are older and my DH drive in it, so I also am a worrier about arriving safely. If I am honest, all I pretty much do is worry about everything and everyone! I think I hold an associates in it for sure! I have to say how happy I am, that you were never tortured with loosing your hair. Some women were like oh well and it didn't seem to bother them as much. But I was 💔! My hair was long and straight, now it's curly curly. I don't like it really. But I realize I want it to stay strong. If I am constantly tugging at it and styling it, I do not want to damage it. I don't wash it a ton, I'm afraid to stress it out, like me!! Another rainy day, which ill take. I am worried about Florida!! I really hope that this storm does a major hook away from the US! Hope everyone enjoyed the Labor Day off with their sweet families. I know I did! If it wasn't for my sweet DH. I'd probably be talking to myself in some corner by now in the looney bin! Much love ~M~
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I am going to vent! I have to say, I love my
Kids so very much. I have stayed here for years so they could have their little lives. We had a deal that they would go to college and work parttime and pay some of their own bills while attending school. Every step of step of the way, I have had to beg plead, chase, threaten, just to go to school and get that degree before something happens to me. It's like talking to a wall. I have broken my ass, my DH continues to break his ass, by living far away during the week to work and coming here every weekend and dealing with even more, with my being sick. My daughter is slowly Getting it. But it has taken quite a lot, she's slowly maturing , but I also have stage four cancer. Albeit very stable at this point, but we all know that can always change. It's such a struggle. What I want more than anything is to sell this house and move with my DH into the final house. With the porch that I would very much like to sit on with him,like we have always planned. When do you choose that it's time, how can I know when enough sacrifice is enough.? We have been doing this now for 14 years. We are tired. My DH is 52. He's ready to have calm times with just him and I. Alone. His son is 16. But that is different. His x shares 50-50 of time and pays half of everything. My x is still paying back Child support, and they are 20 and 21. And lives in his mothers basement and he is 48. I am the one constant in their lives. The one who created a great blended family together. I just get so hurt when I don't feel like anyone cares about their future except me and my DH. How can they be so clueless? It makes me so sad sometimes that they can't see, everything that has been done for them. It really baffles me. Hope everyone is ok. I know Claudia you're in my thoughts with this storm. Love you all ~M~
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Hi everyone! I am flat out exhausted. I think everyone in this state has lost their minds! The store shelves were empty yesterday! We live in ne Florida, and people are acting like the apocalypse is happening tomorrow! They are criticizing the governor for making fuel trucks a priority, instead of water, bread and canned goods! The newscasters finally got on the radio and reminded people that they all have running water still! Then gave detailed ideas on how to store it! Its nuts! We are ready, I had let the dog food run a little low, and we never store an excessive amount of grain for the horses in summer, because in this heat and humidity it can turn bad quickly. Now they are taken care of so I can rest! Whew! We will make a final decision on bugging out tonight, but either way we are ready.
Micmel, I get my hair done Every 5-6 weeks! When it grew back after chemo I let it stay natural for awhile, then looked in the mirror one day and said I look older than I am, and I have gotten it done since. My personal opinion is that I want to feel good about how I look, as much as possible. My mo has never mentioned it. Check out my suggestion on bone mets thread and tell me what you think ok?
Keetmom, I am glad all is well with you and your family! I hope the rest of the week goes smoothly.
Mae, if you saw what is happening here, you would either laugh or pull your hair out! We used to live in sw fl on the water, and have never seen people freak out like this! OMG! I hope you are feeling good still!
Lynnwood, We are praying for one, if not two, hard freezes this winter. We have not had one for two winters now, and we need these bugs to die here! Between it being so wet and no freezes, this has been a miserable summer. We are overrun by bugs we don't normally have to deal with. Hopefully you will have a nice winter!
Hi Nan! We know that you are busy with your dd, I hope you are able to enjoy it all!
Hugs and prayers everyone
Claudia
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Micmel-I don't know your situation at all-as few people really know all that goes into each of our decisions -so this is just generic advice. When I got my first diagnosis in 2012- my first thought was oh no! how will the children manage without me? My BS at the time said how old are they? I said 20 in college- she said they will be fine, they are grown. but, I knew that I was very involved in their lives (like our generation has been-so different than my parents who assumed we would figure it out and let us try) and that they were very dependent on me. I started to parent differently in some ways-when asked for advice, "oh- it sounds like you have some good choices" Trying to increase their reliance on themselves in case I wasn't going to be around long.
It is hard to put yourself first when you have kids-but, it is you who will keep you and DH well-kids are hard wired to put themselves first for a long time, that's how they survive. I was in a meeting at work and someone complained that they were getting burned out and someone else said-"it is your responsibility to keep yourself from burnout, not ours". I heard that life lesson loud and clear.
I also color my hair every 4 weeks
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bigbhome, I laughed at everyone here too, plenty of veggies but you couldn't find a frozen pizza to save your life. I guess Harvey really did a number on people cause I thought Floridians were immune to such jitters. That said, this is a cat 5, I hope everyone is smart and stays safe
Still feeling good here, yay!
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Nkb~welcome to our thread! We shoot around so many things here and share whatever is going on. I just have been really thinking about this for a good while now and it just is weighing on me. I agree completely that they rely on me. Absolutely without a doubt. That is really not by choice but just because their real father can't even find his way out of his own city, to put it mildly. It just happened, because I was the one constant in their lives. I want them to succeed and be healthy strong happy adults. That is why the degree was so important to us. Assurance for independence, and security. I agree with what you had said. I have to figure out what is enough for me and what I can and cannot do anymore with my illness. I really find living a life that is filled with as little stress and possible, before diagnosis, new need.I could balance the stress and manage everyone's relationships and make the blended family work. It works well thank god,but they don't hand you a booklet that says on this day they are declared independent! The last thing i would want is for the past 14 years to be for nothing, when I could have saved a hell of a lot of money and been down there years ago. Now I don't even know how long I really even have. It's such a hard topic for me. Thank you so much for sharing! Hope to see you again! Hugs and a 💐 To you! ~M~
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Claudia~Hi darling! Glad you're all ready to hunker down and be safe! Hope you managed to grab the frozen pizzas! I hope your hip has cooperated with you! I am sorry hubby has to go out of town on your MRI date. Timing of things sometimes sucks! Glad the horses have their feed and you feel better about that. I know how much you love them! Please be safe and if you can please check in. I'll be worrying, because I always do! It's the mother in me! I am sending good thoughts you have no damage or problems at all and it hooks away!
Mae~ you snuck in there again. So glad you're feeling good with your radiation. I am so glad that it's moving along and not causing you any discomfort. The clean up pretty much continuing out there? I saw pictures of people's things literally out front of their homes thrown out. That makes me feel sad for them. People work so hard for their homes. It's part of who we are. Mother Nature doesn't fool around. I'm just glad you're ok and done with it !
Much love you guys!
Keetmom~ how was the first day of school ?? Hoping to see some pics of Emma!!😊
Lynn~ looks like there are two more storms in the Atlantic, I remembered you said you were in the northeast as well. Looks like Jose and Katia is brewing are out there! Jose is the one that looks like our contender for us!! I am not on the shore coast or anything but we did have a terrible time with Sandy!! Entire fridge contents spoiled! I am sick of storms. Hope all is well with you! Hugs to all!! ~M~
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Good morning, I know one of our own, dear Lita has a tough day ahead of her. Actually just plain hard time ahead of her. I am sending good vibes and thoughts of understanding to her. I honestly want nothing more than the best for everyone fighting this awfulness. Also, thinking of Florida! Hope everyone is ok. Hugs! ~M~
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Claudia~ idea for Lita? And the candles ? Is that what you meant? I don't follow bone mets anymore. Too large. I seem to get lost in there lol I come here to be able To put my feelings someplace. If someone has the same feelings or needs to vent or say anything at all really. I'll be here. Love you guys ! ~M~
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Micmel, it's a way to share pictures with Lita, of us lighting or candles at the same time. I read everyone's posts and hope all is well. I will be a little better after the storm.
Hugs and prayers everyone
Claudia
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Chicago~you doing ok? Haven't seen you in a little while. Thinking of you too and hope you're doing well!!~M~
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Mae, it is a zoo here! I think part of it is Harvey, but I think the majority is Matthew. That was only 11 mos ago and many are still rebuilding from that. The governor and other emergency management, are telling people that they don't have to leave the state, they just need to go somewhere safer, like a shelter, before it hits. So many are on the roads, they are making traffic a nightmare. They just started giving fuel trucks police escorts so they can get the fuel to gas stations, coast guard stations , military and our ships. While I applaud everyone for taking this seriously, I don't know where this panic is coming from. Usually, Floridians barely pay attention, much less panic! Oh well, my rant is over. I am just working on the small stuff today, like getting potted plants secure, stuff like that. I have wanted to bleach out the water tank in our rv for awhile now, this seems like a good time. There are 2 more hurricanes behind Irma! That's crazy!! I need a break from hurricane news! How is you have left? Are you feeling any fatigue yet? Let us know, ok.
Micmel, Dh and I did that for 7 years! After our trip out west last summer, I asked him to stop. By the end of November, he closed down his business and started another that keeps him home every night. He had wanted to stop for awhile, but I was so concerned with money I asked him not to. Boy, what an idiot I was! I can't speak for your kids and family, but what I will say to you is, hopefully, you have brought your kids up to be strong, independent adults, whether they are or not, is on them(except the 14yr old) at this point. We, as parents, cannot, and should not, stop them from trying and failing or succeeding on their own. Unfortunately, if you think back, most of you best life lessons were learned from your mistakes. As much as we love them and want to protect them, we are doing them a disservice by not setting them free! I will tell you that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Every time our son made a mistake or bad judgement, he knew we were here to listen, always, to bail out, never. Unless life threatening of course! Only you and your Dh can make that decision, but darn Micmel, life is short! When faced with tough choices, I have started asking myself 2 things. 1. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter? 2. If I died tomorrow, would it be something that I regretted doing, or not doing?
I think life is to be lived exuberabtly and joyfully! I took a page out of Litas book and weeded a little today! I forgot how much frustration that gets rid of! Plus its finally below 90 degrees here! My son bought me an outdoor bonsai tree, and I'm telling you, I fear for its life! I keep forgetting to water it!
I hope everyone is having a pain free, great day!
Hugs
Claudia
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Hi Micmel-Thanks for checking on me. I've been fine-just had a few busy days with caring for my mom, cleaning and a little volunteer work. I went to my first yoga class since diagnosis last Saturday-it was a class for those recovering from cancer and it was great! The teacher kept me in restorative poses and worked on some of the gross asymmetries that developed when my left side was so full of fluid and tumors. I am going back for a week at the end of the month to be a "student subject" for teachers studying yoga therapy and am looking forward to it.
I am not a parent so take my advice for what its worth. But I think it is time for you and DH to move forward in the ways that would make you two the happiest. You can give your kids fair warning but It would be nice if you and your husband could live together in the house that you want, rather than putting everything on hold. I know you will figure it out.
Mae and BigBhome-Thanks for the updates on the hurricane situations. Sounds so stressful.
Keetmom-Hope Emma had a good start to the school year.
Peace.
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Chicago~So glad all is well with you. I am hoping your mother is doing ok, I know that with my mother I have some issues as well because she lives in Mississippi and doesn't walk too well.she fell and broke her arm in like 3 places and I was going through my heavy chemo. I was not able to travel so I felt really upset. Still do, although we would be the blind leading the blind. I will add your mom to my good thoughts and hopefulness that she will be good. I also have a chance to take some yoga at the hospital. I just haven't done it. I always feel so tired, we have been cleaning the basement, getting rid of so much crap, don't know where it all comes from. Just piles of things. Then you blink and it's back. That has been taking up my energy. But you have peaked my interest! So glad to see you ! Hugs and hugs !
Claudia~ wow. I am really hoping this darn storm does a hook upward and away. I know it doesn't look like it. But everyone is still battling recoveries from Harvey!! I can't imagine everything you're doing to prepare for all of this. Its quite scary. I am glad you're not being evacuated. One of my childhood best friend lives in the keys and has been evacuated! He has to get out and stay out. So scary. All I want is for everyone to be ok! Hope your hip isn't giving you any trouble! I'll be happy to light a candle for dear Lita. I mean who doesn't adore Lita!! She is quite a strong woman! You all are. I hope you'll be able To let us know that you're ok and safely out of the storm. I'll be sending thoughts your way and good vibes. I'll be checking for you!!
Keetmom 💕 Hope all is well!
Nan~Miss you! Hope you're feeling ok! We miss you. 💕
Mae~radiation number ?? You mentioned no side effects, hope that is still the case, you continue to amaze me darling! Hugs!!
I am seeing my palliative care doctor on Monday and havemy meds tweaked and reviewed If need be. I was put on Effexor and it's helped tremendously with my heat flashes. I was told it was an antidepressant, which I am ok with because it's low dose. It's really Helping with both issues. So I recommend palliative care doctors! She's amazing. Much love!! ❤️~M~
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Good morning~Has anyone been put on effexor before? I am just wondering how you did on it? Was there any side effects? How long were or are you on it? What mg? Has anyone been put on anti depressants? I really haven't been on them before and I am wondering how long it might take to feel the real quality that this medicine may bring me!! I need the lessening of heat flashes. Also, the anti depressants would be a good addition to my daily regimen!! Hope everyone had a restful sleep!! Happy Friday to all! Bug 🐜 🐜 off Irma,Jose! Be safe everyone. Much love ~M~
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Micmel, I am on 225mg Effexor, and have been on it for past 5 years. It definitely helps with hot flashes and depression. One thing to consider though, if you want, or need, to come of it, you will need professional help. I wanted to get off and Mo explained risks and definitely doesn't think it's worth it. After reading up on it, and talking to him, we don't either. That doesn't mean you should not take it, that is something to keep in mind. I do well on it.
Irma has just gone to worse case scenario for us. Where she is passing, she will be spinning off lots of tornados in our area. This was our biggest fear, and unless she moves again, that is what will happen. Please keep everyone in your prayers.
On a more positive note, the butterflies and hummingbirds are out everywhere! If I can get some good pictures, I will share! I'm going to put new food out for the hummingbirds. I saw a good size one out this morning. The butterflies are all in the bottle brush bushes, they love those red blooms! We have a couple of hydrangeas blooming also, they like!
Well, back to hurricane prep and waiting for11a.m. update.
Hugs and prayers everyone
Claudia
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Claudia, I am praying for you and for all who are in the path of the fierce storm. Please stay safe. Don't take any unnecessary chances. We have not yet learned how to harness the strength of storms, but I do believe in the power of prayer.
Big hugs from, Lynne
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Claudia~Hello beautiful, I am sending all the strength and good vibes I can muster, I am following the storm also and am in your corner here hoping and hoping it won't bother your or your area. Also, for everyone else as well. You're such a good woman. You don't need any of this crap! Now on to the lesser important issues, I am only on 32.7 mg I believe is the lowest dose. We are looking at it again in a month to see if it's helping. I already see help with heat flashes,almost immediately. I am however concerned with coming off , but then I think, well you will always have cancer, and the worries that come along with it all, so maybe I won't ever want to come off of it. Thank you for your advice and experience with this medicine. It's a new one for me. When I was first diagnosed, I think I googled way too much. Would end up feeling worse than when I started with fear, now I just don't add to the obvious stressors.
Lynne~ hello there! Nice to see your sweet self here! I haven't seen you in a long time now. I haven't been on the other threads. I seem to get lost there. Hope you'll come around and let us see your shining face!! Hope everything is well with you and your family. Big hugs to you !! ~M~
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It has Been such a crazy few weeks, between Harvey attacking Texas, and now this crap with Irma and Florida! Who knows what Jose will do. I wrote a little while back that I was facing a choice with my kids and seeing if I could decide when the best time would be to not say cut the cord, not ever, but when will I know that I have given my all, in doing what I can to raise them.? I don't know why, but sometimes it seems like before you're diagnosed, people were actually nice and involved in my life. Not my DH, because with out him and his love, I don't know where I would be. To an extent my kids, do they really understand still after all this time ? Has it sunk in yet ? His much time can they possibly need, knowing that. I have no idea how much time I have left. I would think that knowing that your closest person in your life has such an illness, that they would spring into action and help. Not so much. I have to literally beg them to do their own things. Their own stuff. I don't have the energy anymore to chase after them to do what they already knows needs to be done. I don't understand why it feels like everyone else seems to be slipping away from me and I am the one who is sick. I never raised them to be clueless selfish kids. Maybe its denial. I know that goes around a lot with cancer. But come on 21 months into this and still denial. What is a reasonable cut off for them? A year? Six months? Ugh! Hope all is safe! I realize I could be just talking to myself. But that is ok! Getting it out is half the battle for me ! ~M~
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Good morning Micmel! I am Mom to 3 young men and get what you are saying. My sons are 34 ( autistic) 28 and 25. Of course my oldest son will always need a lot of direction and supervision. My middle son is on his own, he needed a little push should we say to go out on his own but once he did he's doing fantastic! I think it's sometimes more comfortable to stay home for them. My youngest has a goal to be on his own within a year. He and his girlfriend are actively saving for an apartment. As far as cancer goes, I think that either they just don't get it or they just don't want to deal with it. As much as I've tried to prepare them they are still saying I will be fine. I will say that they are helpful and considerate with whatever I need need
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Lynn~ good morning darling! I like the idea of then being on their own! The reason for keeping two homes, was to make sure they got their education without a mountain of debt. I have to battle everyday to get them to even wash their own clothing. That may be my fault. I just used to do it, I was a stay at home mom for most of their lives. I also sliced every problem possible. Part of it I believe nownwas guilt over my divorcing their father, and he was never involved in their lives much once it was final. I ended up loosing people in my family over it. My father, one sister and a brother. They chose my x. He told pretty good stories and people believed him. I never told my story, just kept to myself, never said a bad word about him. I was always the a bad guy. Now fast forward 14 years and my son is the toughest. He just has no motivation to help here in his own house. If one of his friends asks for a favor. 💥 💥 boom. He's off and running, first inline to lend assistance, if it's our home. Forget it. I have to beg, threaten , or whatever. Since I'm being so honest about it. I sometimes even do the item myself to prevent further problems down the road. I realize to a fault that I have enabled them. I always worried since their father payed no attention to them. I have been over compensating, out of guilt. I plan to make some changes. But adding a diagnosis such a this makes me weak. Both in spirit and physical being. This disease takes so much from us, even changes our closest relationships and we don't even know why. Hugs and much love ~M~. Be safe Lynn. Thanks for checking in. It means a lot.
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ok to burn off this stress I just mowed my lawn. I put on my head phones and pushed that mower. I'm sure I'll be sorry later and I am done for the day. But it still felt good. Haven't mowed my lawn in years!! Have a good Saturday ladies. Hope you're moving alongtoo. Feels real good!! ~M~
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Good morning, Micmel-Good for you for mowing the lawn! It does feel so good to be able to do strenuous chores again. Now you can kick back and read a good book. I would let other peoples' laundry pile up if it won't be too stressful for you
. I'm going back to the yoga for cancer class today.Claudia-Thinking of you today-praying for peace and safety in the midst of the storm.
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Morning all, got up, took a 40 minute walk around the neighborhood, had breakfast and coffee and will start on dishes soon.
In medical news, I only have two more weeks of rads and only minor finger joint stiffness from tamoxifen. Next scans will be in late November, just after the one year post dx mark.
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Morning all...busy first day of school here..will share a first day of school picture...Emma is the bigger one, Delaney is my middle DD she has a genetic disorder called Cornelia de Lange syndrome, she is non verbal...but is the calming force of our house.
Claudia-hope you are safe, it looks scary..we are watching closely as my DH best friend is in Fort Lauderdale and didn't evacuate because of the gas.
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Keetmom- love the picture, the light is beautiful there. First day of school was always so exciting
Micmel- I think that what you are going through is very common-every family has some variation of how to grow up kids. I think for us the old plan of kids leave home at 18 and are on their own and make a go of it etc doesn't work well anymore. A lot of it is the super high cost of living-rent was $50-$100 per month with a Roomate when I left home, now it's thousands of dollars. College costs so much money and if you end up in tremendous debt from it, then your whole life is changed trying to pay off college debt instead of buy a house, or get married or have kids. You will have to let go of some outcomes and standards for them to get independent. I stopped doing my kids laundry when they were 10 and my son announced that he wanted to wear the same shirt everyday. It's true I had to share my washing machine and dryer with them-and they were rough on them-but, whether they had clean clothes or not was their problem now. They made their own lunches from 2nd grade. when the school called and said they didn't bring enough food for lunch- I said talk to them, they make their lunches- the food is available. I did let them get away with some stuff because they went to an extremely academic high school and had hours of homework every night and I wanted to "enable" them to do it. But, I had a friend who did so much for her kids that they were afraid to make a phone call to a business or even go into a 7/11 to pick up a few things on the way home! That story was a lesson to me.
Yours is more complicated by the divorce of course, taking the high road as you did is the right thing. I took walks with friends and asked them how they were dealing with the various growing up issues and we really are in a whole new era without the usual guidelines. Our kids are all different and each need a different roadmap- some need a lot of help, others less and we need to navigate this. I do know that me yelling, begging or whining didn't do much. I don't know the age of your kids or what they are capable of-but helping them to independence is a good thing usually. When my daughter was in college she said their were parents who came every weekend, cleaned their kids apartments, washed their clothes, cooked a lot of food for them-she was appalled !
It's hard to get a little selfish when you are a mom, but, you seem to be building up a lot of resentment which is not good for you. Do what you and your husband want to do, support your decisions, use your active voice, give them a little notice of your plans and move ahead. I wouldn't use cancer as your reason, I would use this is what dad and I are going to do now. Good Luck- it's hard!
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Nkb~I thought as they got older,it would get easier. Sometimes I think it's harder. Certainly more costly, but then again what isn't more expensive, then when I was growing up. Even rent is crazy. I want nothing more than to have them get their education. So I know that when something happens to me, they will be able to be ok with their families. No debts. Paid education. I am leaning towards a goal to where they will be saving money and preparing to eventually move. Go to college and it gets a little more flexible. I don't do their laundry. Haven't for a while. Lol at the same shirt. Know it well. Thank you for the thoughts. It does help.
Keetmom~ look at the lovely school girls! Looks like they went on a preparation shopping spree for school supplies! I am so happy they are doing well. Beautiful children, beautiful family. Hope mom is also holding her own. Busy as she is! Amazes me.
Mae~ almost done the radiation. Wow! Time flys. Sounds like you've had a busy morning already. I wonder how Many steps you have already logged in! Is the clean up complete?
Chicago ~ you have inspired me to contact the hospital to check to see if they have a program. I think they do. I hope I can get into one. Although I might fall over. I did mow the lawn. The slope was a challenge for sure. But I did it. I am thrilled that the weather is changing to cooler. I am going to try to start my walking again. I had forgotten how much I miss music.
How is your mom doing ? I hope all is well. Hugs to you.
Claudia~ thinking about you. Hoping the storm continues to change direction and strength! We are sending good thoughts and much love to you and your DH and horses. I will be checking for you. Hope you don't loose your power.... thinking of you !
Nan~ love you darling. Miss your shining face here! Think of you often!
Lynn~ hope you're having a good Saturday. I was thinking they should give us moms a handbook when their kids are born. Saying If this happens... do this... or if that happens..... do that!! Hugs!
Much love! 💕 ~M~
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Micmel, everything is done, just need to run some errands, I'm at 7,407 steps so far and I'll easily make my goal of 8,000 today.
Jumping in to the discussion here and while I'm not a parent, I am a kid (in my head I'm still 21). My parents grew up with rules and chores, so we had none. My older brother took full advantage of being momma's boy and lived w/my parents his entire 48 years so far, except for about 3 years when he dated his ex wife (dumbest person I've ever met!) and when they and their two sons lived with me. I on the other hand Iwas out at 18, back briefly after being laid off, then gone for good. I think it's more personality than how you raise the kids, some people just don't enjoy doing things for themselves. One the surface though, I might be seen as a brat. I raised myself and hope my parents saved money for a home when the time comes because they are on their own.
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