My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Bigbhome, thinking of you and hoping everything is going as expected.0
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Lynne, that must have been a whirlwind trip of Ireland. You have probably seen more of it than I have!
Big b, thinking of you.
Great pics Mae, off for a bit of vitamin sea myself today. DH and I taking the boat out for a little fresh air, temperatures of 30 C every day, going to get that reclining deck chair out and stay cool.
Good to see Tanya back.
Love to all xx
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Love stories. I have one to share as well as some thoughts from a stage 4 young woman's view.
My partner and I met on an online game. We are gamers and nerds, but the chance of us individuals it only meeting and falling in Love is so small.
Some background on him:
He is first generation Indian (like from India) and they do arranged marriages. He spent his whole, albeit 18, years of life telling himself he was going to have this one person he would spend his life with, love, and experience what he was brought up to expect to experience (school, career, marriage, kids). Sheltered with a close knit loving family. He never had a gf, dated, or allowed himself to be attracted to women sincerely he found it pointless. They weren't going to be his wife. He was in his first semester of college, pulling all nighters, and only played this online game bc a friend begged him to. He is very shy and generally doesn't go out of his way to reach out to people he doesn't know.
Some background on me:
Grew up in a very Christian household where my parents were divorced, were abusive, substance abuse, and generally wa eft to raise myself. My mom thought technology is the devil and everyone online is a serial killer/rapist murderer. I've dated, was a few years older and just trying get by in my tender age of 20. I had never played an online game only PlayStation games (thanks Dad) starting when I was around 12. At the time when we met I was working 2 jobs and only looked into this online game bc it was free and I didn't have a PlayStation anymore.
Somehow we met one day and had kind of a crazy experience with this group we were in then went our separate ways. Then we met again in another group and started talking. Talking in game led to talk through instant messenger to texting to talking on the phone. We developed a relationship long distance, but during the 2 years he was getting his associates degree he would come visit every few months if he could. His parents knew nothing. He felt like he would be disowned since I wasn't Indian. My mom knew nothing since she isn't crazy and think she everyone is bad. They did meet eventually when I was having issues with my roommate. Jen came up to help me while I was at work since she started damaging my stuff and putting my dogs in danger. I was at work the night shift when my mom drove by only to see the front door open and screen door shut. She ran inside just as he was walking out of my room in a towel. She was screaming at him and telling him to call the cops (she of course didn't have a phone). Eventually they both calmed down and figured out what was going on. I got 2 very interesting voicemails while I was at work that night to say the least. Luckily they hit it off and talked for a few hours. Now how his family found out about me was very different. The day he finished his degree he told his parents he not only had a girlfriend, but he was moving to another state to go live with her that night. They were very upset. It had been 2 years at this point, but they didn't disown him like he thought they would. Side note: he has the most amazing family and to this day I don't know why he felt this path was best, but I understand his logic. They supported him and just wanted him to be happy. Mostly they were upset he wasn't going on to get his bachelors degree right away. We lived together for a few years till it was time to finish and get his bachelors degree. At this point we knew what we had was not only real, but we work as a couple and partners. We moved together to a new city where he spent the next 5 years in school (architecture is one of the few degrees that's is 5 years
boo). I met his family and they are my family now in my heart and soul. We planned from month 4 of our relationship to get married, but it would be when we were stable, done with school, and could afford to do whatever we wanted. This would only be a 1x thing. We both have very strong commitment values in this. His last year on school is the hardest. Thesis year. A few weeks before this FINAL part in and seemingly endless stream of schooling I found out I had breast cancer and had 9 months left to finish my own bachelors degree. We were devastated, but positive. I really feel like few people find what him and I have together. We never moved out of the honeymoon phase even though we have had to work on things in ourselves and our relationship. We have the same thoughts all the time, can laugh, and be stupid together. We see each other with all our flaws and accept the other for who they are. I know soul mate is cliche, but he is why that phrase exists.I took a break from school to kick cancers butt. Chemo kicked my butt though and his mom stayed with us during my treatments every other week for the year and a half till I was done and just needed to do radiation. I couldn't feed myself, or even shower for the first 7-9 days after chemo. She did everything and is a godsend of a woman. Everyone pulled together to help me. His brother in HS took care of himself while she was 4 hours away taking care of me. His dad had to do all the work for their long haul trucking business on his own. And the two sisters in college would drive home alternating weekends to help grocery shop and do anything else. My partner wanted to take the year off of school, but I knew he would miss graduating with his friends and honestly what could he do? Watch me sleep and be a zombie? Plus he had a full time job since I couldn't work. He was so strong for us even though I know he was barely keeping it together. He never once got mad or was insensitive about me having cancer. I felt guilty during this time. Like he didn't deserve a partner like me who was sick, but he said he would rather go through this with me than be happy with anyone else even if he had the choice to never know about me. I was NED November 2017. I started back in school before radiation though so in February when I had my 3 month follow-up with my rad onc and complained about a constant headache I had been having for the last 2 weeks. She ordered and MRI and this led to that and I was suddenly stage 4, recovering from a craniotomy during midterms of my own thesis. He stuck by my side. Helped with homework. The family rallied once more.
My onc told him and I that statistically my prognosis is I have a few months to 2-3 years before this disease usually takes people. She reminded us we are not statistics and they are going to fight like heck to get us as much time as possible. With this I've asked him if he really wants to still marry me on our 10th anniversary in Jan next year. It would be easier to just keep being how we are, but he never waivers. I have the hardest time with this. I can accept dying. I can accept the pain cancer causes in me, but not in him. I am his world and this I feel like will shatter him. The guilt of what this will do to my loved ones is the worst. He says he will never be with anyone else. I can't think of him with anyone else either, but I've told him I don't want him to have to go through life alone. If he finds some one who he can laugh with and find at least some comfort then I am ok with that. I told him not to push them away because of me. I've come to see this potential person as more of a placeholder since I know when he also dies one day we will reunite. It will be like the beginning of our relationship...it was just long distance for a while till we did what we needed to do and could be together for real. No, I can't imagine or want to imagine him being intimate with someone else, but I also can hold the guilt of denying him that if I'm not there. Those thoughts I don't think about because if they come to pass I won't be here to care. That's how I've been coping. I think it's important to let a partner know these things as well. I'd hate for him to struggle internally because I didn't say how I felt on the topic of him moving on. I'm not ok with him being with other women, but this cancer stuff isn't either of our first choices. It's not like he has the option to be with me and is choosing someone else. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the cards we are dealt I think. You aren't a place holder. Everyone dies eventually and some way earlier and more unfair than others, but at least we get to have that connection and feel that love for however long that is. You will always be special and significant to him. Fight because it's unfair. Fight because one more day is a day closer to a cure where women won't sit here online and grieve over the stolen time from their husbands, children, and family. Fight, take those 27 medications that make you feel like crap, eat healthy because your loved ones are also fighting a battle for you. This isn't one-sided. It's ok to cry and be sad over this. It's a sad thing. I don't know if I will ever accept that I'll die soon. I'm scared. It doesn't feel real. I still cry a lot. And I think it's ok to acknowledge those feelings and thoughts, but equally important to acknowledge the good. You don't know how much time you have. No one does. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You could live another 40 years and not know what happened to the cancer. You can be thankful for every smile you have or given, every moment that left you in awe, each time someone showed that humans have an amazing capacity for love. You may not be in control of the fact you have cancer or where that might take you, but there are good things you can control...you just have to let the good in so the bad doesn't overwhelm you. Not as easy as it sounds...it takes practice and I still struggle some days. Good thing we have forums, lol
Sorry for such a long post. That's our love story and my thoughts on him moving on after I'm gone. I hope it helps someone out there. Cancer makes you think a lot.
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Hi all! Haven’t been writing much...dealing with se’s from Abraxane. Third weekly infusion today. My daughter Em is home for two glorious weeks with her two young boys so I’m going to be pretty busy getting every second with them that I can. I probably won’t see any of them again until Thanksgiving or Christmas once school starts. Will get back in the threads and get caught up a little later.
BigB, thinking of you today and hoping things went well!
50’s, Lynnewood, Lynne, Micmel, Grannax, Runor, Minnie, Tanya, will be thinking of you all and will hopefully be back soon to catch up.
Love all you ladies!!
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Gracie, enjoy your time with your family! Good luck with your infusion today and I’m praying that your side effects improve. Parryand1, welcome to our thread, our safe place, our support place. I read your unique love story. You have been blessed to have such unwavering support from the people around you. Do not listen to the statistics....that is the FIRST thing my onc told me. They are outdated and do not reflect the new treatments available and more are coming every day. Stay strong and live your life, I always tell myself that I am not dying today and that gets me through, one day at a time.0
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Parry~Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. I had happy tears through my eyes because my DH and I also met online. Here we are 16 years later. I know everything you said I feel for my DH and he feels for me. He takes care of me. He loves me. He and I are one. Never will another love ever compare ever. I see that inside of you. Welcome to our second home. We are always share cheering our sisters and loving each other unconditionally and a place here where this is no judgement! Love and live each day much love ~M~. 🍾 in honor of your love story!! actually now that I think back, I had no guidance or parents either, abusive siblings, it’s a wonder I even made it out. Sometimes I believe that is why I developed cancer... being in a constant state of turmoil and anger, anxious feelings and anxiety..... all those turned into cancer......
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Gracie~. You rest up my sweet I know. Abraxane kicks you're rear end. Drink a lot of water. Stay away from the acidic... drinks. I am thinking of you. Much love ~M~
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Hi Minnie, enjoy your vitamin Sea today and enjoy the breezes. It looks rainy here.
Waving to Lynnwood. Hope you’re doing good.
Thinking of Bigbhome and her DH.!
Divine~ How’s that foot ? Hoping the pain is ok!
Dreary Monday. The best. Thing is my DH will be here until Thursday.. that has me in smileville!
Love to all ~M~
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Today my husband and I celebrate our 35th anniversary! He's a great guy. I'm just so sad that he has to deal with all my stage iv b.s. He doesn't complain and helps in every way but I'm so damn angry that I can't pull my own weight any more. I'm trying to think on the positives for today though. I'm better than I was even if I'm light years away from where I should be. He's going to our Mexican restaurant to take out our favorites for supper and we'll share a bottle of wine, or maybe two, LOL.
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Welcome Parrynd1 😀
Happy Anniversary Muddlingthrough and DH
I have my 3 month post gamma MRI tomorrow, results on Wednesday. I don’t have a good feeling about this one, no real reason, just apprehensive and that feeling was confirmed by a fortune cookie the other night, lol. Oh the irrational joys of MBC!
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Hello all of my beauties! Missing posting here, trying to keep up with reading! Wonderful trip to NYC! Wedding was elegant and so fun! Still out strait with summer; preparing this week for grandson's birthday and trip to Moosehead lake leaving Saturday for a week. Dizzying but fun. I will do a longer post in the next few days. Just remember: " A good woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water!'. Love to each and positive outcomes for those of you facing surgeries, procedures, scans, bloodwork, or treatment changes. XOXO Mary Jane0 -
illimae, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and Wed. Only good vibes coming your way.
MJHJAN1014, beautiful photo!
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Mae, I hope that fur tune cookie was wrong and you receive good results on Wednesday. We will be thinking of you tomorrow as you have the MRI.
Gracie, I hope you are feeling okay after today's chemo.
Lynne, I hope that sciatica resolves soon
Mary Jane, What a gorgeous picture. I am glad that you enjoyed the wedding. Have fun at your grandson's birthday party and also at Moosehead Lake.
Muddlingthrough, Happy anniversary. Woohoo! I think we all feel guilty and angry that we need to depend on someone else for things we want to do ourselves. I am not a good patient, and I tend to resist my dh's help at times. I know that makes things more difficult. Anyway, think about how it would be if your roles were reversed. How would you feel if you were the caregiver and your DH was the person needing some assistance? You would most likely be happy to help because of the deep and enduring love you have for him. You would be sad and frightened, too, but it would be good to know that you could do something to help. I am sure your DH feels the same way. Love and life are full of ups and downs. It is easy to enjoy the good times, but it take an enormous amount of shared strength and love to weather the bad ones. You are fortunate to have a relationship that is strong and a very special husband who wants to share in every phase of your life. Embrace it. Take full advantage of this special day. Put on your favorite outfit. Savor every bite of that Mexican dinner. Give your DH a big hug and kiss, give a special toast with that wine, and enjoy your time with your special person.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Muddling ~ happy anniversary! So very special, considering this thread Ian made for love and everything associated with it. I am so in awe of couples like you. I strive to live that long with him. My sweet best friend, and love of my life congrats beyond just mere words for the love you two created together. Warms my heart! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
Mae ~ I will be with you in your pocket. I amAlways with you in goofy spirit... don't say that. It's going to be ok. It's going to be alright my sweet friend.
Lynne(50's)~ Hello sweet woman. I bet it's like soup their today like here. Yuck. My DH is making new steps for one of our doggies. Our oldest Tag our rescue is getting weak legs in the back and then in the front, he keeps scratching his pad raw from the concrete. The plain was too steep for his old bones. So daddy made him new steps. It went from three higher steps, to five longer and less steep steps. What does he do? Falls off the side at the area where the steps used to end...
Hope everyone is doing good today. I thought I was taking a ritilan and it turned out to be a Valium. Good night ! Slept four hours now I feel foggy! Yuck. Much love ~M~
Omg..... MJH you’re very beautiful and I love the pic of the lovely lovely couple.. I hope you had a lot of fun.
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Illimae, sending positive vibes for a very boring mri tomorrow. I hate the anticipation of tests and results, maybe we can blame your uneasiness on that! Mary Jane, beautiful picture! Love seeing what we look like “ in person”! Muddling through, happy anniversary!! I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband too, 38 years now. Lynne, you have such a way with words, always eloquently stated and full of compassion and support for all. Micmel, we are in the soup!!! Way too humid!! Very unsettled weather, I had acupuncture this afternoon and literally drove in and out of the rain 3 times. Hi to everyone else, all take care!!0
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Dear 50'sgirl, thank you for your kind words. If roles were reversed I'd do everything I could do for him. I've always been verrrrrrrrry independent and it's hard to admit the need and accept the help for the simplest things. I *wouldn't* from anyone else.
Thanks to all for your anniversary wishes! We had a change in plans and will get the Mexican food later in the week which just means I still look forward to it! We're having other goodies and gifts. And some wine all the same. He got champagne. Yes, he's a keeper.
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Good Evening all,
I didn't take pain meds today I just can't deal with the exta SE's today.
Divine I hope your foot is healing strongly.
50's girl how is your new chemo treatment? I haven't read too much about it in your posts. You always seem to be consoling everyone and saying just the perfect words for us to make it through another moment. I just hope you're alright.
Mae I pray your MRI has fantastic results. I'm sorry you got that feeling though. I hate that feeling. Sometimes it's just everything all combined.
MJH you look stunning and elegant in your formal attire.
Muddling happy anniversary.
Big B I'm thinking of you and your husbands big surgery. I pray all is well. I hope some help and tender mercies come your way.
Lynnwood I remind myself that I'm not dying today quite often. I don't know where it came from in my psyche but it runs across my mind and I breathe.
Gracie I hope the SE's subside soon. Just rest and let the medicine do its' job.
Minnie waves to Spain, Yes, I'm back. My cousin went to Spain a few weeks before I went to Morocco and she said it snowed where she was. ???
Welcome Parrynd1 thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for inciting us all to fight for ourselves and for all of our loved ones. Make some more beautiful memories and enjoy that family love.
I have new pain after surgery it feels like a nerve or something was damaged and its a gnawing pain. Hard to get comfortable. The pain meds make me nauseous so today I'm not taking any. I took alleve and will just have to go for acupuncture or something. the pain meds put me to sleep for hours and with the Ibrance fatique it's a day of bedridden zombie lady.
Have a good night ladies,
Sleep well all
Tanya
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Tanya, thanks for.your good wishes. I pray you'll have much less pain as you recover.
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Muddling~Nothing wrong with a month long aniversary. I also loved champagne , DD wants mammosas at her shower. Seriously? Orange juice expensive, champagne is not cheap either, along with the fresh fruit like strawberries 🍓 in them. They delicious but we have to pay other expenses still. Again happy anniversary!
Lynnwood~We are right in the thick of it all. It's thick outside of this house Because, our back door is a slider. The outside of it is covered in humidity. Yuck
Tanya~thinking of you darling. My pains bop all around everyday. Our minds always go there though huh. Sending you hugs.
Bigbhome we love you. Thinking of you and DH!
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Hello there everybody!
I am writing a post for another one of our sisters, Bigbhome She asked me to write and let you know why she hasn’t posted an update on dh’s surgery. Well the surgery did not go as well as we had all hoped. It was touch and go for a while. The surgery took much longer than planned as there were many complications.
She is very much emotionally and physically exhausted.
Sending love and prayers to Claudia and her dh!
Mae- I’ll be sending them your way as well!!!
Love to each and every one of you!!
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Parrynd, thank you for sharing your story with us. You are lucky to have the love and support. Make the most of every moment x
Gracie, hope you are coping this week.
MJH gorgeous picture, you both look wonderful.
Happy anniversary Muddlingthrough.
Mae, sending good vibes and hoping all is well.
Bigbhome and your husband, saying prayers for you both.
Hi to everyone else. Had a lovely day on the boat, but the heat is building here, reckon we are in the 90s this week, sleeping was hard. Need the air con now! Try to resist until it's necessary. Another 6 weeks of temperatures like this. Phew! X
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Thanks for all the well wishes!
Bigbhome, thinking of you and DH.
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THinking of youbtoday Mae!!! Praying for a good report!!
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thinking of you, Bigb.
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Bigbhome and DH. You’re like family. Holding on to you both very tightly. Love is surrounding you and support is coming over the miles. (Thank you Chelle for letting us know love you)
Mae~ in your pocket.we are here waiting. Love you friend Hello to Minnie, Divine~ how is the foot ?
Gracie~ Hi hun. I hope you’re feeling good today. Love to you too. ~M~
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Sending prayers to bigbhome and family.0
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Prayers for Claudia and her husband. Prayers for Tanya as she recuperates from her biopsy. Good vibes to Mae-if fortune cookies were accurate, I'd be a lot richer and more successful!
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lol Chicagoan~ that is SO very accurate. Tanya. Rest up beautiful lady. Divine you two. Bigbhome~ we love you and are with you over your shoulder sending out hugs of support And love. Remember one day at a Time. Or even one hour at a time if need be. You’re very loved my friend. I know I have your phone number. But didn’t want to disrupt or disturb. You’re really on my mind. Huge sister hugs. Glad Chelle has been there for you. She’s amazing. And so are you.
Mae, Mae ~ you don’t strike me as someone who is superstitious.... screw that stupid fortune cookie. Thinking of you. Much love ladies.
Hope you’re doing well Chicagoan!
Magda. Thinking of you as well. Has anyone seen z posting ? Lately. ? I’m worried about her. She’s fighting everything so hard. Precious woman. I love you guys. My sisters. My friends. Let us all hang in there together! ~M~
Keetmom, how are things ? Emma. ? You ? The rest of the family. School must be not that far off of starting I am sure. Yuck!0 -
bigb Glad your DH survived his touch and go surgery. That sounds especially horrible to me because if I ever had to have surgery to repair my bionic neck.......well I don't want to think about that. But, for you to have to endure the waiting during the surgery and now his care. I don't know if it will be at home or in re hab but it sounds like it will take a lot more time for him to heal. You need to be a bionic woman.
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Just wanted to jump on two bandwagons as well:
- the good wish and positive vibe one, to all of you strong ladies (and families) for the constant encouraging fortitude during the hailstorm
- the "we met online" one. Leslie and I met on a board dedicated to Alanis Morissette 12 years ago. We were both big fans and we started chatting about our common love for her and her music. We have been going to her concerts for years until now. She is playing Milan tomorrow night but we definitely are not in the best place to go atm.
Anyhow, have a good rest of the day on the other side of the ocean y'all
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