My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Illimae, good luck with your transition into a smaller, more intimate work place. Change is good but often uncomfortable, like when you get new bra.
Micmel, I hope both you and I go forward, cautiously, differently, with our daughters. The thought of mine being out of my life kills me, even as I rage and roar at her shitty behaviour. I hope you get past this next procedure and then slowly begin to feel better. It is exhausting to always be exhausted! I am sure you know.
Lynne, yes it is hard to not give advice or ask questions. The questions, which are a form of caring and a way to stay in touch are often misread as prying and controlling. It's so hard to show that you are interested and concerned without being accused of being nosey.
Minnie, our kids can break our hearts like no one can.
I had doc apt yesterday. There is blood in my urine. He has ordered more tests. He tried very hard not to say he was looking for more cancer. But that is essentially exactly what he's doing. There are bears in the woods ... Trying not to freak out. Then of course I have been coughing lately and I immediately think I have lung mets. It would not occur to me that the air is thick with forest fire particulate and smoke, which it is. The moon last night was deep, deep orange, smoke moon. I will be doing several urine tests and an ultrasound for which I will likely wait 5 or more months. Ugh.
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runor, plz proceed with caution in your relationship with your daughter. Yes, hopefully things work out; however, it is still a good idea to reevaluate, reassess all that has transpired between you two, and make adjustments.
I say this as one who also has work to do in this regards! When diagnosed with stage iv bc in 2011, I immediately overhauled what was draining me, what I was doing out of obligation, eliminating as much stress in all areas of my life. Then, as my health stabilized over the following years, things have crept back in and I find myself overextended. The mother in law situation has finally mostly been resolved. But the other situation is how dh expects us to roll out the red carpet for his son every other month when he and his family come to town which has become too much work for me. My stepson and his wife are great people, but they take advantage of us. Once again, this is dh allowing it.
And getting my my broken foot bone repaired is hopefully where I truly draw the line. I can see my weakness, putting myself last. I walked on this broken bone for at least four months and dh never allowed us to slow down. Trips to see MIL in hospital and nursing home. Monthlong cleaning out her place. Vacation in June, I walked over 10,000 steps a day. Grandkids visit included trip to the zoo, trips to the pool and fireworks. Not to mention everyday life! Tho we didn’t know the bone was broke, I constantly compained how bad my foot hurt. Didn’t seem to register with him. I put my foot pain last, and I am kind of mad at myself for it! I must learn to insist my needs are taken care of first. Stop giving in to the subtle pressures dh puts on me to do more, more, more. I must stop placing lesser value on myself than those around me! Easier said than done!
runor, sorry to hear about the new development of blood in urine. Plz keep us posted, and wish you all the best.
Illimae, I can understand the mixed feelings of retiring from a job you loved! I’m pretty sure once you get into the swing of not having a job, you’ll wonder how you ever had time to get anything done while you were working! You will be able to do much more of what you truly want to do.
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Runor, Breathe. I know we always think cancer, but there are many reasons for blood in the urine. Almost all of them are unrelated to cancer. Blood in the urine in not uncommon. It can be caused by UTIs, kidney infections, kidney stones, inflammation, medication, and, as my sister-in-law discovered, from a little blood vessel that has an innocuous leak that needs no action. My DH had kidney cancer and never has had any blood in his urine. I have had several different kinds of urology scans, tests, and procedures due to a few different kidney issues, so if you have questions, let me know. Oh, and I have NO cancer in kidneys, ureters, or bladder. Try to relax. Urology ultrasounds are quick and easy. I have my next one Monday at 7:30 a.m., and I will probably be out of there by 7:50. Keep us posted.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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good afternoon ladies
Keeping the pillows from blowing off the couch today. A storms a brewing outside heard a few thunderclaps.
Big B thanks for catching up with us it’s nice to see your name. We miss you here and we appreciate your friend keeping us connected. Take care of yourself and DH.
Divine Runor and Micmel our relationships with our grown children are definitely sources of stress. After we live through the relationship part then comes their adult problems kids illness mates - it’s a real dance choreography to navigate through it all. I agree that some loving tough foundation has to happen before the problems become compounded. Just wanted to let you all know that I’ve been there moms love hard.
Divine so sorry about your broken foot. It’s like the crumbled cookie syndrome where the mom goes to the store buys all ingredients comes home baked cookies and gives all the best cookies to husband and kids and eats the broken ones for herself. I pray as your foot heals it serves as a reminder to say no to whoever needs to hear it. And I promise you I will remember your broken bone when I think of slipping into that role again. Definitely been there.
Mae I wish I made a cleaner break with my job when I left. They still call me a year later for help. Enjoy your new self care job.
Good luck with your tests Runor and 50s girl.
Take care
Tanya
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Hi ladies, I’ve been lurking for several months and read your posts every day. You’re an amazing caring, courageous and kind group! I was diagnosed with stage 4 last year with a “thingy” that is a sub-abdominal mass 3 years after my original BC. Yes it is unusual for MBC to go to the abdomen. I had a progression this year to lungs. I’m on Taxol now and just finished #14 of the marathon that has no end in sight. I don’t have any mothering advice, my daughter is 36 now and is starting to realize that I might know something a
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Welcome Pots!
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Hi Pots. Welcome. The ladies here are amazing. Their knowledge is so helpful, and just the ability to say things here that you cannot elsewhere. We all understand. On to 28th course of treatment this week. I have learned I hope to live in the moment. Enjoy life lov
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omg Mae!!i love your hair honey it’s grown so much pretty lady!!! I love your new pic!! Just lovely 💙
Pots~Good morning to you and welcome to our second home. I am very pleased you decided to post and say hello! Most kids at some point have to see that we moms and Dads know a thing or two. I guess that is where patience comes in huh? These are loving, special,sweet ladies that have honestly become my second family. The support is not only understanding because we are all living this nightmare. But because there is a real sisterhood here. We lean on each other everyday! I hope you’ll find comfort here like I do.
Minnie~Hi sweetheart!!! It’s been so hot here. I haven’t gone outside. Tomorrow I report for my procedure #12 since this cancer began. I think we all know how that goes. Yuck. Hope it goes quickly. I have two weeks to feel better from that and get a hold of my side effects for this shower. I don’t know where this energy is even coming from..😢🤭😓. Much love to all ~M~
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Micmel, keeping you in my thoughts for your procedure tomorrow.
Post an update when you can.
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micmel. I must have missed a previous post, what procedure?
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We had a family reunion yesterday with my moms brothers and sisters, I had to accept help because my sisters lawn is hilly and Uneven, everyone helped so much and gave such big hugs when we left they all knew the bad week we had and that my liver is being naughty, but it felt good and I am accepting the help that I need and know it is OK to take.
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Keetmom~I know what you mean about help. DH does everything. And I have no energy to really offer. Ibrance sucks the life out of me. I hope you're feeling stronger and I also hope this next Treatment will kick some major butt.. thinking of you ans glad you enjoyed your family Time. Soo important.
Grannax~ I have to have a lump removed of fat necrosis from my reconstruction side, and then two more adhesions on my liver scar across my belly.... the underneath tissue somehow decided to fuse with the tissue below and every time I move. The tissue goes one way and my abdomen goes a separate way. It's very painful. So out they go! I have enough surgeries that I can say! Ugh! Nothing to drink after midnight. Yada yada yada. Yes we know... been there and done that yet again! Ugh! Thanks for asking
Tanya~ we had some juicy storms here too.. as long as no one gets hurts. I love the storms. I look at is as the world is crying tears of cleansing and makes me think somehow it can wash away all the ugly.~M~
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Micmel, thinking of you and how tired of all this you are. I hope for you, and for everyone, a brighter day and some good moments that make up for some of the bad. Keetmom, I read your posts and my heart skips a beat. Sending strength.
This is a random thought that has been rolling around inside my head. I will roll it out here, maybe flatten it like pie dough and see what comes of it.
LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST.
How many times have I heard that in the past year and a half? My god, constantly. I almost expect a team of cheerleaders waving pompoms to come bouncing out and start blowing kazoos and shooting off confetti cannons. Yet, more and more that single sentence is bothering me on a deep level and it finally occurred to me what was bothering me about it. It is an astonishingly stupid thing to say.
Have you ever seen prisoner's on death row the day of their execution? Are they having a great time on their last day? Are they blissful and bouncy and smelling the roses? How about people marched out into fields and shot execution style by their corrupt and evil governments. Are they all "woohoo, this is my last day, everything is so fabulous and I must soak it all in and appreciate it all"? No. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Paralyzing terror and grief so profound it manifests as physical pain, THAT is what most sane people feel knowing this is their last day. For many of us, death is the worst thing we can imagine, and as we imagine it FEW of us rise above into angelic, transcendent world view. And yet, without truly thinking of what we're saying, we tell each other to live each day as if it is our last. That kind of misery is unsustainable and very quickly becomes its own form of unending hell and suffering.
I get why we say that to each other. We are admonishing each other to pay attention. See the small, beautiful things. Smell the rain, drink the coffee. Look into the eyes of your kids and loved ones. Marvel in fresh washed sheets dried on the line or garden fresh peas as they pop out of the pod. But all of these things can be torn away from us over the terror and agony of knowing that we are dying. It is very hard to be in the moment and concerned with dying at the same time. And if you are a cancer person you have an ugly reality on one side, and the Carlton Card people telling you how to live (like it's your last) on the other side, ripping you in two opposite directions.
When I think about where this diagnosis might end, I am destroyed. It has taken a year to tentatively poke my toe into the land of the living. It is hard to make plans thinking I might not be around to finish them. If I lived each day as if it was my last I would not make a move at all. I would fall on my face and weep over everything I was going to lose. For all eternity. Our last day is likely to not be our best day. Especially if we know it's coming. I think we have to examine, deeply, the way we try to lift each other up and while the intnetion behind those words is good, they actually describe a crisis instead of a gift.
This is some messy pie dough. I don't know if I am making sense. But sometimes I have these half baked ideas that I can't unthink.
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Runor, your thoughts are shared among all of us, however, I seem to be the oddball in this group and in general.
I’d prefer to live longer but I’m a little curious about death too. I’m not religious so I feel like when we’re done, we’re done but oh, how I would love to see/feel all my dogs again and DH when his time comes, I just don’t want to suffer. Cancer has robbed me of my future but right now I have so much, comfort, the love of an awesome man, my lovely boy biggie 🐶, I want for nothing, except time. I do as I please and enjoy all the things im able to do like travel, 5k’s, cooking, etc.
I don’t know what my last day will be like but if I had my way, I’d choke on a cupcake, lol
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Micmel, Good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.
Keetmom, I am glad that you accepted help. Why is it that it is so difficult for us to do that at times? When people offer help, they truly want to give it.
Mae, Perhaps I am even more of an oddball than you are. I figure that everyone is dying from day one, so why dwell on it.
Runor, I always enjoy reading your thoughts. Today's post was particularly interesting and thought-provoking. Perhaps I am one of those people who drives you crazy. I have never thought that someone should live each day as if it were the last one, but I do try to appreciate things everyday. The fact is that I love my life, warts and all. No one ever has a perfect life, but if I look around mine, I see more good things than bad. Perhaps my thoughts are too rosy, and my advice is not helpful at all. Maybe my words are astonishingly stupid. I think I would say that I concentrate on living and not on dying, and my diagnosis cannot change that. I do realize that we have to make our own decisions about how we view life and death and how we adjust to the curve balls that life throws at us.
I have decided to take a break for a while. Thank you all for supporting me, listening to me, and sharing your lives with me. You will all remain in my heart.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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50’s, thank you for sharing yourself with us. I hope you enjoy your break and please do stop back in sometime 🙂
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Micmel, like you always say, we will be right there in your pocket tomorrow!
Keetmom, it's hard to ask for help, but accept it when it's offered. Hope you are feeling ok.
50s, I always like reading your thoughts, you seem a really nice genuine person. Someone who makes a good friend. Hope to read your thoughts again.
Runor, we can't live every day like it's our last. Just enjoy every day the best you can, even if it's doing nothing. Death comes to us all, and we never know when our last day will be, or the last day for those we love. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with everything, and to try to look at it too from the perspective of those closest to us. Enjoy what you have for as long as possible.
Good night from over the pond x
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50's, I'll miss your posts but understand a break. Please come back when you're ready.
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It may sound like a good idea to some, but for me, to live every day as if it were my last would be far too dramatic and much too emotionally heavy. At some point soon after I was diagnosed in 2011, dh was trying to deal with things, thinking I was gonna die soon and exasperatedly said, “Don't you ever just want to jump on a plane and go see things you haven't gotten around to yet?!" (Like NYC and Mount Rushmore).
I firmly said, “No." I was not going to live a haphazard, reactionary life and add to the chaos that had visited me, us.
But the diagnosis does lead us to question just how should we be living? And over time, I learned that I wanted to live meaningfully. Whether dealig with beloved grandchildren, adored son or just a clerk at a store in a town I was just passing through and would never see again, I decided I would be more mindful, more present in my actions. I cut out a lot of uneccessary interaction with people who didn't mean much to me who were taking up my time. I do things more deliberately now, tho life has a way of jumbling things up and throwing me off course at times. Still, I keep,coming back to chosing to live in a way that is meaningful to me. And I got to see NYC, Mount Rushmore and numerous other places since the diagnosis, on my own terms.
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50sgirl, I’ll be thinking of you.
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Only had a chance to briefly scan through the posts but wanted to post quickly. Welcome Pots! Micmel, good luck with your procedure tomorrow, please let us know how you make out! 50s Lynne, your sweet gentle compassion and advice will be sorely missed here. My prayers will be with you during this time.0
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You guys get it!
50s, I will look for your return.
Illimae, I look forward to your unique pics and think, how does she do that?
Divine, yes, yes and again yes.
Micmel...standing with you.
Minnie, good night to you over the pond.
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No, 50's don't take a break. 😢 I'll miss your encouragement too much. Well, it's not about me, it's about you. 💕
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Runor~So raw....but as usual. So honestly accurate. I hate the live for today bullshit. Either. Because today I was in pain all day... yesterday oh wait yup. Pain all day. What I am doing, Is living like like I'm dying..... which i am. Early on in my life I cut out the cancer of all relationships that made me anxious and unhappy, and I have never looked back. Now having this life threatening disease makes me realize who is all talk and who is all action. My sweet beautiful DH, Got my beautiful room done for me today. I love it so much. So today that is my happiness. Tomorrow I guess I'll have to find something new to guide me to smile. But being in this room will make me smile everyday because he did it ...But you my friend, I adore. Just hold on tight to those you love.
Lynne 50's~my sweet friend. I will be watching to see your beautiful self here again. I respect your needed break. But everyday you'll be in my heart. My sister.. you always make me smile and are beyond kind and loving. Sending hugs and remember, this is also your home.
Keetmom~ hope you're resting, hug Emma please for me ?
Gracie~ hope you’re doing well with Abraxane! I’ve had I know it’s no picinic. Love you
Divine ~ how's the foot? , I agree that living like it was your last day everyday. Would be too much pressure. If i had my way I'd go in my DH's arm, where the place i have that has never let me down. My saving grace in a shit world. I have good strong days. And others are catatonic. I guess we just have to put one foot in front of the other.
Today I helped carried a metal hospital bed up the steps, I am sure I am already way sorry, but damn it, I was a tank, with muscles before all this cancer diagnosis craphappened. I wanted to feel helpful. I did it though.
Mae~ be careful with any cup cake please. I don't think you're an oddball at all.
Lynnwood ~ Thank you sweetheart, another one for the books huh? Already counting down how many waters I can consume before midnight,which is the cut off. Ugh! Here we go again.
I have to be up way early. So I will speak with you ladies soon. Good night sweet sisters. 💙🌷🌹
Much love ~M~
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Part of my new view Hubby hung my tv . I’m officially moved in my new room! I love the color so much !
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micmel I guess you are in surgery right now. Will you have to have two incisions? One for lipoma and one for adhesions? I've learned a lot about lipomas recently. There's a new show on TLC called Dr.Pimple Popper. Seriously. It's about a dermatologist who mostly removes growths etc. She does all of it with local anesthesia. She does a lot of lipomas, a collection of fat cells under the skin. They have shown huge ones being removed. It is life changing for some patients who have had to live with huge deformities for years. They look like chicken fat, one was the size of a whole chicken! It made me want to lose weight, fast.
You must have lost a lot of weight in the last few months. Your TRAM flap, having trouble eating, now this. Maybe your strong self will re-emerge. I'm sure you'll look great for the shower and the reception. I have confidence in you.
Your new room looks pretty. I'm enjoying my new rooms so much that I think I am getting too cozy in here. I am just getting over my worst sinus infection ever. I waited too long to call for antibiotics. Unfortunately, they are one of my SE from Ibrance. For the past 19 months I've had six or seven. Sometimes, I can keep them from getting bad by taking mucinex daily but not this time. So, I needed my new cozy room a lot in the past week.
Hope to hear from you soon.
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Allie did a photoshoots of me yesterday these are a few of the pictures.
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Hi to all! I am so behind, my son is getting ready to move and we are painting, sorting, packing and purchasing for his new apartment. He is getting an apartment with his girlfriend, lovely girl. Times have changed, my husband had an apartment before we got married and I never dared to spend a night there until our wedding night. Of course this was almost 40 years ago! Nowadays couples live together like it’s nothing. They do plan on getting engaged then married in the future, hopefully not too far in the future! I’m going to make some short posts, so many times I have typed a book and lost the whole post.0
