My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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JKL~ thank you my friend. I knew deep down inside that this would happen and I would be faced with this day. That’s what estrangement does to families and people. It’s almost as if they realize and start to panic. In my case I think my stepmonster is doing the panicking at this point. People now know. She kept me from seeing him all along, God knows its not only her fault for sure. He is a ballless man , with no backbone. I’ll just tell him. I love him. Everything is ok. Because it has to be. No other road to travel. Ty for even caring.
Pots~Hello darling. I will also be with you during your scans. I have them also coming. Up blood work Friday! Ugh! I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other. It’s all I can do. It will be sad. I got the warning yesterday to prepare myself for what I’m about to see. was told he looks like he’s 100 frail skinny and barely even skin and bones. How scary is that? I’m scared 😱 plain and simple.
Parry~Hello sweetness. Thinking about you and your doggie. I hope you’re feeling well. You guys are an amazing support system and I thank you. Without all of you this thread. Would be me babbling to myself. Because I always needed a place to vent. A place to let go of my fear and terror. So I can be present in my family life as much as possible. You guys allow that to happen with me.
I thank you all for being apart of something so binding and real. You’re important fantastically strong women!!! 💙💙💙
I’ll report back if my eyes will even open from crying. 😪. Thanks again.
~M~
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micmel you know I have been in your shoes, with my dad and the Wicked Witch of the North , so I know first hand what you feel like today. I'm in your heart for this day.💞
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Grannax~Thank you so very much.... it does help knowing that others understand. I will just try to breathe deep and calm down. I am feeling quite anxious. Also because. It's only the second time I'm seeing my sister again after the 14 years. It could be a year or two off. Rembering that isn't my favorite. My other niece/sister person that I have also been estranged from will also be there. With her son. Whom I have never seen. So I've have enough reunion feelings to go around. I'm going to feel exposed... and vulnerable. My DH can't get up from work. So I face this without my support system. I'm going to have to trust my sister. I hope it's ok to do so. My stomach feels flip flopping already knowing she's on her way. At least my step monster. Won't be around. I'll have to switch on auto pilot for this one. Thanks for the kind words and support. It's very special.
Much love to all ~M~
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Micmel, my step-mother and I never got along. Not fighting but avoiding. When she was a couple of days away from her death from lung cancer I went to see her. She was only 49 but looked 100, skin and bones, and completely bald. I processed the physical appearance since I was also warned but...When I looked into her eyes I saw amazing beauty. I was so startled I even said "you look beautiful" which made her smile. She could tell I was sincere, and I was, which surprised me too. I've never forgotten that. Anyway, I hope you'll see the beautiful soul in your dad's eyes. I think we all have one, regardless of our physical appearance or the mistakes we've made, or the brutal physical struggles we sometimes have. I think you'll see that and it will comfort you.
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Muddling~Thank you for reaching out to me. It means a lot, to know what to expect when I get there. It worries me that he may die alone, or with some strange hospice nurse that he doesn't really know. I mean I know the job is wonderful and that they do things that beyond help the patient. But I meant a family member. Someone who cares. And loves him. Someone should be touching his face and holding his hand. I don't care how prideful someone can be. Death is scary and elusive to us all. So I can't imagine he feels very calm. Perhaps he does. I don't know. I guess I'll find out. But a goodbye needs to be said. My DH was saying that. He may enjoy seeing me and decide to hang out another month or so. Which could be possible as things shut down. Which could mean another visit. If he mentions it. Or is even coherent. You ladies. Are so special to me. Thank you for caring. Oh and muddling. I know you have been having a hard time as well. Thank you for taking the time to care. 🤲🌷. Much love ~M~
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Pots- So happy to have found someone who is on Aromasin! I just started this drug about a week ago along with Affinitor, after a 38 month run on Ibrance/Faslodex. Are you experiencing any SE? Do you do the steroidal mouthwash? Anything else you want to pass along as to what I might expect? Thanks so much!
Praying for all you wonderful folks!!
MM
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Good morning all! Not posting much but wanted to pop in and wish Micmel well on the visit with your father today. I’ll be in your pocket too.. hope you have big pockets! Still trying to shake this funk. Been helping my mom clean her basement and she’s a hoarder for sure. Found a 1967 sears catalog among other things. Found some good things that she gave me, an original wedding invitation from her wedding in 1956. My dead’s discharge papers from the army. Brings up tears to see her past being sorted through but it was bad. It’s taken 9 of us 2 whole weekends and not done yet. I read every day and think of you all through all of our good and not so good events. I see my onc next week, a little concerned about some soreness in my ribs, not pain or constant and I did have a fracture there at one time. I actually think it might be muscle related, I’ve been struggling with constipation and straining quite a lot, finally found a solution for it. Oh well it is what it is, just tired of overthinking. Micmel, I give you much credit for the forgiveness and compassion you are showing for your estranged family. Forgiveness is my worst character flaw. I am not good at it at all. I would not be able to do what you are doing. Don’t forget to put yourself and your feelings first during this difficult time. Enough rambling from me.. love you all.0
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Micmel, know that I’m with you in spirit as you visit your father today. It may not be easy, but it will be good for your soul. I speak from experience. I never had a relationship with my father, but when I heard he was sick I felt compelled to visit. We had one month to get to know one another and come to peace with everything. Im so grateful for that month. He apologized and I forgave and a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
So, yesterday I had the bronchoscopy and biopsy; procedure went well, thank goodness! I was crazy scared! I know the biopsy was important as it will lead (hopefully) to more treatment options, but it’s hard to swallow that it's now in my lungs. Ever since I woke up in recovery I’ve had an awful, wheezy cough. Then yesterday evening the cough turned productive and foamy (eww, I know!). The doctor said this would go on for 24-48 hours
After the biopsy, I was wheeled over to radiation for the first of 10 fractions on the tumors in my L2 and pelvis. I know this isn’t going to magically make the pain go away immediately, but knowing that we’re working towards pain control helps.
Then I came home to my package of Xeloda. I haven’t opened the package yet, it was late when I got it and this morning I went back to radiation. I’ll open it today and probably start it in the morning. Let’s hope this chemo is kind to me...
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Sheila, you da bomb! What a trooper! Glad to hear things went good with getting the biopsy done. Hope all goes well with rads and xeloda too. Girl, you is made of tough stuff! Be proud of that!
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Being able to talk here has been a godsend for me as well. I’m glad we have each other to complain, laugh, compare and confess to. Seeing so many people going through tough stuff I see so much strength in you all. It gives me strength as well. I also see vulnerability and weakness which I find comforting because that’s how I feel much of the time.
Good luck to everyone this week in all your endeavors!
Shelia, so glad to hear everything went ok
I’ve gotten some suggestions that may help my old man dog so I’ll have to look into it more, but at least there’s options that don’t cost a fortune.
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Pulmonologist called. It appears to be breast cancer mets, not a new primary lung ca, but in both my right and left lungs. What's next??
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Sheilamarie, have faith in the treatment. We are all here for you. Imagine a really lovely hug, that's what's needed. You've been through the mill, as we say in Ireland, you are so strong. I think we all look at dates, in the first year I was convinced I was dying. Then I realised, I have to live while I can. Not like I used to, but still live. I was angry, snappy, and just downright mad at the world. I also realised how much people care about me. I actually made new friends, people who don't look at me as "the one with cancer ". There are others who give me that look - I've given up on them!! I intend to beat the average survival! I'm at 2 years now, hoping for at least 2 more.
Micmel, in your pocket too. Do what is right for you and don't feel guilty.
My uncle is safely back in Ireland, slowly recovering. Life has returned to our normal slow pace, so much so, that we need a weekend away, so up the coast for the weekend, a good hotel price, room with jacuzzi, and a spa treatment included. Live girls, live!!
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Sheilamarie, sorry to hear of your lung mets. I’m sure your onc will have some answers for you and get your new treatment started. The waiting and the unknown are the worst part! Let us know what your onc says.. I wish I had some answers for you. Sending you a big hug.
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sheilamarie, yay for mets over new primary. I expect you’ll have better treatment options than you thought.
Micmel, thinking of you.
Hello everyone else 😀
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Micmel-I hope today went well for you with your father and family. Big hugs!
Parry-We do have a great group of women on this page. It's wonderful having people who are going through what you are going through, to talk to. I can talk to my friends and family, but they don't really get it, and I know it depresses them, so I try not to talk about it at all around them. My husband comes with me to all my appointments, so he knows what is going on, but nobody can know what you are going through unless they have gone through it too.
I had my CTs/bone scans yesterday. I got a copy of my results last night. I have one lymph node in my hip area, that has grown a little bit from the last time. There is also a "scar" near my heart, that they don't think is cancer related. I've never had any surgeries around there. My lumpectomy and port are on my right side. I'm seeing my oncologist and having blood work on Friday. I guess I have to wait until then, to see what she suggests. I'm hoping to stay on this chemo. The side effects are minimal, and much easier than Taxotere was. My hair is still filling in on the top (since this one only "thins" your hair), where there was none, and the sides and back are almost an inch long since growing since July. I actually used conditioner in it today! LOL
Very cool and rainy here, since we got home 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow morning, it's suppose to be 9 degrees first thing in the morning. There was snow an hour north of here today. Luckily, we only got rain. Cold moving in tonight. We are suppose to get snow on Friday here. We still have a backyard full of leaves to pick up! DH filled 7 barrels of leaves (we dump down the hill), just from our driveway. Our huge oak tree in the front still hasn't lost it's leaves yet. Maybe they'll just blow down the street. Last year it snowed before we got them all up too. It's awful doing it in the spring, because the leaves are frozen to the ground. We'll see if he works on it tomorrow. Highly doubtful, with it getting dark at 4:30 now. Oh well!
Good luck to all that have scans and treatments this week!
Hugs!
Lynne
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Lynn, I’ll try to send some of my So Cal weather your way! Could the ‘scar’ be from any of your treatments? I know AC can affect the heart and it’s crazy the things our bodies go through that leave scars and we don’t even know. I found out I broke my pinky toe in the last 5 years and never even knew!
Shelia, good news kind of
it could be better, but it could be worse. Either way I’m glad you have answers and can start taking care of it. The murder mystery part of it all is just maddening. One day in the future we will be able to cough into a hole and it will tell us all our dark secrets, lol. I hope the new treatment treats you well. We are trying to get coverage to try a PARP inhibitor hoping the lungs and skin will show something positive. I did well on a trial for one the first time around. Micmel, how are you doing sweety? I hope today went ok.
Minnie, that weekend getaway sounds lovely! Glad to hear about your uncle too. Hey
Daily rant: the weight I lost for the wedding is creeping back. Talked to doctor, showed her my food and exercise log and how it doesn’t make sense to be gaining. Found out it’s a possibleSE as well as water retention and swelling to pretty much anywhere on my body...le sigh. Good thing my fitting is next week and not last month because this is as good as it gets! Haha.
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masonsma~always nice to see you here. 38 months of ibrance is amazing. That's wow! Some women in my palliative care group patients are on 45 month 43 month 32 months. I think that's pretty amazing. Glad you found someone else on the meds you're on now!
Lynnwood~ Hello lovely. Ty for caring about my day. It means a lot that I come home from such an experience and have such support to read. I also have some rib pain on ibrance. Chronically comes and goes.. it's nice that you are helping your mom. Sounds like things needed to be thinned out. I am so glad I did that last year. It can become overwhelming!
Minnie~Good to hear about uncle...thanks very much for caring. Having to experience that is a very difficult. I don't recommend it.
Divine~ what a beautiful new picture you have chosen for your avatar. Lovely lady! Good to see you!
Pots~ hugs to you sweet woman.
Mae~ Thank you so much. It was a draining exhausting day. Which I'll go into in a few. 😊 missed you! Hoping you're getting your space you need!
SheilaMarie~I have been thinking about you. I hope you know that you're very special. They have to be able to whack them down. Don't give up they can't be that big. And if they are clustered. Maybe radiation can take care of it. We are holding onto you tightly. One day at a time. No one needs a new primary. I'm hoping it will rebound quickly with entering radiation.
Parry~ I hope your older dog responds well to what you're trying. My old man Tag is also slowing down a lot these days it won't be long I'm sure. He falls a lot. Back legs are weak. We've all been through it before. Sad as hell as it is!
With my Dad, Today went well, he was in bed when I arrived. I heard his voice and poked my head into his room area and he was covered with his blankets. All I could see was his eyes. He looked like a frail young boy with huge big blue eyes. He said “Hi Boo". Which is my nickname he gave me. I went in and took his hand.. he said “It won't be long". I didnt know what he meant. My sister came in and said do you want to stay in bed or get up? He got up and came out and sat in the chair with us in the room. He was talking and speaking to us pretty well. He asked me to come back, twice and said he loved me. Then I was leaving and he asked if I wanted to order a pizza. But my mouth can't handle pizza, so I just said no thank you, my back hurts and I need to rest. But I'll be back. Next week. I kissed his forehead and he said to me. “Please come and stay overnight in our extra room and spend time with me?"
I wasn't sure if he was confused, or if he was serious. Or if it was his way of forcing myself to be in the same area with my step Monster to force some communication. He has to know the past wasn't good. He's ignoring it and trying to mend what fences he can. It's kinda sad. I don't think he realizes how sick I am. He was looking at me funny. And I asked him what was wrong. And he said how good I looked and that I didn't look sick at all. He said your skin looks good.. your hair is long. You look really good. So I'm not sure if he realizes how sick I truly am. Like it wasn't adding up. But overall it went really well. I think he sees the damage and time that has gone by and been done. It's just time to let the negativity go . I have to. Not with stepmonster too much has happened. I'm going back to see him next week Tuesday! If it all works out with my sister,So I guess it went well. I'm just thankful I made it to see him.
Thanks again for the support! Much love ~M~
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Lynne(Man)~You snuck in there somehow. Good to see you ! The weather sounds yuck. Raining here for sure. Misty chilly all day long. Makes for really good napping weather. Thank you for your wishes about my Dad. It sure is hard. They were not very nice during my divorce at all. It's things like this my DH and have a hard time swallowing the sudden changes of heart. I know death will change outlooks on some things. But my DH and family here is always my main priority. I will give them a chance. It's all I can offer. I'm not needing a best friend. I have that already. In my DH. I'm not looking to hang out a lot. Just maybe weekly or every other week, some Company would be nice. She is my sister and we were close for years. time got away from us all. Life's is hard!! Sounds like your fever has subsided. Thank goodness. No snow ❄️. That's not allowed yet !! Ugh. Hugs to you sweet woman. I completely agree about our group here. I adore each and everyone of you and am thankful for the many friendships we all have here. We bond together. Like you said we understand and others only get it soMuch. Thanks again for caring ladies. I love you all for being you. hugs and goodnight ~M~
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........ so true. But we need our DH's and their love. I consider us equal. Although he is pretty darn good at everything he does. He's one of the real men out there! Realized we haven’t seen Holmes. Hope you’re doing ok friend!
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So, so true...
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Good Morning Bella! 😊 it's a chilly morning again here. There is a snow flake in our forecast and I'm yucked out at that thought. Yuck! Hoping it's just little flurries. Goodness gracious. It isn't even winter yet.
Hope all is well you you sweet woman !
~M~
Mae~ winter is coming.
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micmel. I love that he called you Boo. That's my favorite part. So touching. You will never forget all the pain but you will never forget that small, intimate moment as a memory to hang on to.💞
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Grannax~It was the only Time During the visit I almost cried. But I held it together. I didn't want to fall apart....and I didn't. I held it together. We all did. I was a young girl/ toddler when he called me “Boo"! So it flooded me with memories. It is very sad it's ended up this way for sure. Life is so difficult sometimes ! 💔. Much ~M~
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Micmel, sounds like your visit was a success, I’m so happy for you to hear your Dad call you boo again. I bet some healing took place just with that one simple word. You are a strong special lady to deal with so much.
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I just swallowed my first 4 Xeloda pills. For some reason even the thought of taking them made me feel sick. Taking them just enhanced that feeling. Ugh. I think it’s because everyone else seems to take a lower dose due to SE and I’m taking such a HUGE dose.
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SheliaMarie, if you haven't done it, go to the xeloda topic and read the first few pages to start with. They have lots of good advice on all pages but the first few are good to begin. I hope it will work very well for you.
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Micmel, I was thinking and praying for you all day yesterday. So relieved the first visit is behind you and it sounds like no harm was brought to you which is a huge relief. Anything else you get with your father from here on until he passes will be a gift.
So sorry to hear about snowflakes in your forecast so soon. I have family in Wisonson, Michigan, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania. They all have a snowflake or two in their very near future❄️⛄️❄️!
I hope you find peaceful rest these next few days as you recover from your trip to see your dad.
Blessings😇
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muddling ~ Good advice. I have not been on xeloda. Although I hear people mention how good it can work. I am praying it work for us all. At some point down there road. Good to see you hope you’re doing well today!
Lynnwood~Thank you for caring and you know I always feel better knowing everyone’s ok! I slept from 1:00 to 4:00 pm emotional warfare !! Exhaustion sneaks up on you for sure. I have blood work Friday XGeva also! Ick !
Bella~ty for being so kind as to think of me as I see my father. You’re so special to me. Thank you. It was something I needed. I still think he may have some others ideas where my step monster is concerned. Maybe he isn’t trying To mend everything ! Ty you again for being you!! I hope everything is good In your world.
Shelia~ May xeloda bring you to a stable stable stable. Big hugs for you! It’s always uncertain when you start a new treatment. I hope your side effects aren’t bad at all for you!
Love you ladies !
Claudia and Lynne(50’s)~. Special hello
Hello Runor. Much love to all. ~M~
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Hi Ladies,
Sheila taking the first combo of any medication that they give us always is scary and unsettling to say the least. I hope that the combo with radiation works wonders.
Micmel sounds like your daddy visit was quite a success. You're really doing some warfare with family issues. Looks like you're healing inside and out. I too was moved when you mentioned he called you by your nickname. Way to melt your heart. Thanks for the funny picture about women. I shared it with some of my friends and we all had a good laugh.
I saw some pictures of my grandchildren in upstate NY with hats gloves and boots. Brrrrr. I think tomorrow our weather will change to cooler temperatures.
I got my PET scan phone results today and thank God and all of you for your prayers and encouragement. There was no progression. I will have a more in depth detailed meeting with my ONC on Tuesday. For today I'm very grateful.
Have a good evening all.
Tanya
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Tanya~🎈🎈🎈🎈🌷🌷🌷😌😌🎁🤲 congrats beautiful friend. I'm thrilled for you sweet woman. You deserve stable. We all do. Thank you for sharing with us. We knew you'd find out soon and really wanted to know! Doing the happy dance ! For you. Keep it going
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