My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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To all who are suffering.....
2 Corinthians 4:16-19
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Much love and prayers for all of you!
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I respect all religions, tho I am against cults.
I was raised Catholic then became a born again Christian in my 20s and it definitely helped put my life on the right track with its teachings. I had a prayer life and talked to God. I've had several experiences where I know without doubt, a higher spiritual presence was guiding me. And I held to my faith in life's ups and downs.
Then I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. On the inside, I was freaked out and my head was spinning. I turned to God but did not feel any kind of comfort, insight or understanding of what I was going through. This went on for a couple years. Finally I outright said, “God, this just isn't good enough. I need more." It felt good to admit it.
So guess what? I never got any answers. Mostly I keep searching and questioning and I have grown okay with that.
It is something else to be conditioned all your life to believe in God, to believe in Jesus Christ, and then to question those beliefs. For me, it is personal growth. As women, many of us are conditioned to be submissive, be good, don't question authority, do as you're told, that someone else, usually a man, has the right answer and you have to listen to them and not trust your own gut. We are often taught not to ask for more, to be content with our lot.
I am growing beyond those societal constraints.
For me, it's not about if God likes me or doesn't like me. Life is not a personality contest to where I have to keep trying to live up to God or anyone else's standards. The fact is simply that I was diagnosed with mbc. We live in a world where there is disease, poverty, crime and many other tragedies.
I believe there's more good than bad in the world. I feel there is a higher power than us, but is that power a kind and loving God? I can't say.
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Sheila-I am so sorry you are in such pain. I hope the radiation helps you! Big hugs!
Micmel-I know it will be hard for you, seeing your Dad like that. I am glad you are going to do it though. I didn't get to say goodbye to my father. My Dad died 4 months before I was first diagnosed stage 1 (in 2005). My mother called our house, and our eldest answered. He sounds just like my husband (and is a Jr), so she thought it was my husband. She said I think Jack's dead. We had just gone to bed, and our son yells up and tells us what she said. We live a block from them, and put our clothes back on and rushed over there. My mother is trying to do CPR while kneeling on his legs in a chair. She's also has the phone. I grab the phone and talk to 911. My husband gets him off the chair and on the floor. He starts doing the CPR. The fireman get there, and take over. He hadn't felt well that day, but refused to go to the drs. He said if he didn't feel better the next day, he'd go. It had been an hour, since they were in one room watching tv, and he got up to watch the other one for a game. She fell asleep, and when she woke up found him in the chair, and the tv wasn't even on. There was orange juice out (he was diabetic). She noticed his coloring wasn't good, and when she touched him, he was cold. They got him back for a minute, but it was too late. He was 68. Hard for us that he left behind, but I'd love to go that quick.
Divine-I was raised catholic (and still consider myself a catholic), and so were our children (my husband went to catholic school too). We went to church every week, when the kids were growing up. Once the last one made his confirmation, we only went Easter and Christmas. I still do that. Only my eldest grandchild has been baptised, but neither her mother or our son go to church, and she doesn't got to CCD. Our grandsons don't go to church either. 2 of our kids come with us Easter and Christmas, and sometimes the other 2 do too. I still pray just about every day.We were always told that God was everywhere, and I don't feel we need to go to church. Too many things have happened to me and my family, that I don't believe he hears us. Like you, I'm not sure if there even is a God. I too believe that there is more good than bad in the world. I always try to think positive, but with this disease, it's hard a lot of the time.
Well after calling the oncology office everyday this week, I finally got someone to tell me what my tumor markers are from last Thursday. The PA I saw that day, got on the phone. She told me she was so sorry I had to wait that long, and she wasn't aware. Well it went from 520 to 716. I told her I guess this chemo isn't working. I have my first scans for this chemo on Monday. Lets home there aren't many new tumors, and the others having grown too much larger. I guess I will be taken another trip to Dana Farber in Boston, for a second opinion. She told me there was a new clinical trial coming out soon, and I could look into that. At least I still have options left!
Second sunny day in a row today! After weeks of rain and cloudiness. It's window though. But the sunshine makes me happy.
Hope everyone is having a good day. Hugs and prayers to those who need them!
Lynne
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Divine Mrs M, that is so beautiful . I can see some lovely furniture there!
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Masons~Ty for your sweet thoughts and words. Life is a very hard deal sometimes. Just watch television and it's plain to see something is clearly wrong with our world today. Too much mean killing useless reasons. Why can't people just mind their own lives. It has to stop. Our children are dying. No more violence, no more senseless killings. Geeze. Afraid to walk out the door anymore.
Lynne(Man)~ thank you very much. I intend to see him as soon as I can. They are setting him up and apparently he's not very happy with these circumstances at all. He doesn't like strangers or people he doesn't know around him. This is causing some issues. He's very distressed. I just hope i can get there to see him. In time. Very soon. Ty for caring. Also, I am in your pocket with this change in treatment for you. Why can't cancer just kiss off ?
Divine~I also was raised Catholic, baptized, first holy communion, confirmation with four years of CCD. Don't remember boo. Only that I got presents at the party. I have been in a church for a funeral, it was a Catholic funeral for sure. Now that I look back it was DH's good friend and I looked at his suffering wife with such loss, thinking god please don't ever do that to My DH and I? Now look. 😡💔 I hope there is a goodness somewhere.
Minnie~How is that uncle of yours ? Nice to see you. We are all going to drink heavily on Divines porch. Lol
Mae~ thinking of you knowing you were pre funk and missing your wit and funny self !
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micmel, I figured the funk out and should be my old self soon. It’s basically that I quit working with the plan to pack up the house but it’s not happening. DH has been bringing more stuff in and I’m faced with being a nag, which I don’t like or being buried under stuff he can’t/won’t part with. On top of that, between him and the houseguest, I rarely have a moment alone, normally I enjoy weeks to myself. So, tomorrow I start on the kitchen and identifying furniture items to sell or donate, DH says he’s on board, his intentions are good, I’m mostly hopeful. Ive learned that being bored is really bad for me, I’ve worked since I was 12, so I never knew.
I hope everyone is doing ok 😀
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Mae~ That makes perfect sense to me. I know my mind has way to much going on if I don't have something to do each day. I can only lay in bed so much. I am sorry that you feel crowded. I don't which is worse honestly. I also am not a . Big fan of clutter myself so I can relate.... it's like even when the blades of grass grow I hear it speaking, saying please cut me. I hope that You're able to etch out some of your own time somehow. Much love my friend. ~M~
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Remember when I was a model about a month ago? It was because of Suzanne Lindley and Say yes t to hope. She interviewed me and this video was just released.
You can see it on
https://Youtu.be/iXapHDoj9HY0 -
Grannax~😊That so very awesome. I'm going to check out our star of the group! 🤩. Thanks for sharing !
~M~
Edited to say. Our second star ⭐️, Tanya and her wonderful article !
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..........I am starting to finally maybe think I figured out where I was exposed to some sort of toxins. Where I grew up, above me was a golf course. The fertilizer would collect from the rain and end up running down our yard and into our well. It seems that the houses on that strip where I lived all had wells. There are 9 houses original. 6 out of the 9 houses, had someone in their family who lived there developed some sort of cancer and the others had either auto immune diseases or heart disease. The township started seeing a pattern and decided it would be best if they conveyed those homes to pubic water. Sooo. Somethings very odd about that.I had an old Friend tell me there is a class action suit in action because there are several areas effected. My friend lost her grandmother to colon cancer in an area, that was also flagged because of an air base and the fire foam they used to put out their fire drills, and practice teams at the facility ended up also effecting other homes wells. So I need to go to the township building to gather all the information. My home where I grew up is also in one of the zones that is under the Red Cross bones. It makes me so sad because I loved my childhood home so very much. The freedom I had with such. A yard and pool and open space. (I lived in the pool that was also filed with our water) so I could have been swimming in this fertilizer for years and years. It was my only safe haven. I can't believe the entire time. The water could have been bad. I was the youngest child. And I lived there longest out of all the children. My mother has had boughts of skin cancer issues. And never been In the sun. So there is a good mystery. Goodnight ladies !
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Illimae, is there a park you could go to nearby and just sit and enjoy some alone time? I know I am kind of a solitary person and need time to myself. Plus parks are beautiful
If no park then maybe a little walk if you can. Micmel, I don’t know what’s worse - know the cause and that it could possibly be avoided or left to wonder thinking life just dumps on you sometimes and there’s nothing you can do. Either way I hope you gets some answers and justice if that’s what it comes to. It feels like nothing is safe anymore. Be it pollutants or just being in a public space.
Lynn, I’ll be with you hoping no new tumors!
Grannax, I hope to check out your video a little later
I have this new pain in my right hip (everything happens on my rights side I’ve noticed) and my mind immediately tells me I have bone mets. I just had a clear bone scan 2 weeks ago & I’m hoping the pain goes away soon. Been coughing somewhat steady...finally feeling these lung mets..boo. Out of all the cancer so far the skin is the most irritating & painful. My skin is breaking out and every bump I make worse trying to figure out if it’s skin mets or just plain acne.It’s so much fun being a hypochondriac.
Hope everyone else is well or hanging in there. Go team!
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Micmel, I was not trying to tell you you have to be there for the death watch. You have a lot on your plate, exhaustion and pain of your own. I just would hate to see you not go at all and then regret it. Regret is a bitter mouthful of bile. If I sounded preachy, I apologize. I recognize that getting anywhere is a struggle.
DivineMrsM, my early religious life was much like your own. In my early 20s I asked a simple question of my faith and watched it all come tumbling down like a house of cards. I then waited for a new and better faith to grow back in its place. Still waiting.
For me, this quote by Gertrude Stein pretty much sums it up. " There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer."
And so without a clear, solid belief to shore me up, I stumble about, trying to be a good person and do the right thing, not so that I am pleasing to some god in the future, but so that I can stand to live with myself now. I do pray to The Force or Yoda or the magic rock or whatever, and ask for strength and grace to face whatever it is that comes my way. But there is no belief that any force out there will lift some burden from my shoulders. What's so special about me that I deserve the consideration that billions of other humans have been denied? So I guess I have to step up like every other life form on this planet and take what comes my way, do what I can to deal with it and have some sort of grace as I do. Most days I fail at this spectacularly.
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Parry~ Hello lovely woman. I hope that you are doing well. It's Friday. Big deal. Lol. Doesn't mean much to me now. It used to. The main thing I love Fridays now for us to be with my DH. It's all I seem to want. Being lonely sometimes makes too much Time to think. I need a serious hobby!
Runor ~ thank you. Sometimes I'm a little Dense when I'm up in the clouds with my mind and rational thinking. Ugh. It's just a lot to deal with. All within the one week my DH cannot be here. Because of prior events and obligations with his son and college applications and working on arranging college visits. He graduates in June. Our last chicken problem is. Will I be able to see it? Traveling isn't in my itinerary much at all. But for this son, I will seriously have to figure this one out. Another problem is the heat. I pray it's indoors with air conditioning. My heat flashes are not very attractive in the heat at all. My withdrawal has improved but I have to tell you. I have a whole new understanding of what poor addicts go through. It's so just Terrible. Terrible.
I guess the answer we all seek will not be answered anytime soon. I will just put one foot in front of the other and walk in to see him Tuesday. It's all I can do.
Thank you all for the words. Somehow I'll do it. We all somehow do it. Don't we ? Love you ladies.
Chicagoan? Haven't seen you at all!!! 😞
Lynnwood ~ thinking of you
Sheila Marie~🤲💙
Bigbhome ~ missing you!
Nan~????????????
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Grannax~I couldn’t get it to work. Can you re post ? I want to check it out.
Gloomy day here today. Cloudy chilly. This early darkness bothers me I think. I enjoyed the light longer. I’m realizing this now. I also am not a big winter fan by any means. I am hoping for NO nor’easters this year. Snow is pretty for about a day. Then it’s more of a dirty nuisance!
Hugs to all!
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Sitting here with my Advance Directive paperwork and can’t quite put pen to paper. Feeling sick knowing that this is necessary and not wanting to believe that this is necessary. I wish I felt a loving Gods presence, but considering I feel as if all my prayers since I found that damn lump 18 months ago have been answered with a loud, resounding “NO!”, I’m terrified and not at peace at all..
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Good day all
Sorry Sheila this diagnosis is a scary place to be. Make your prayers anyway faith goes up and down .
Grannax I couldn’t find Nouzy or Nouazy. You can give her my info or do whatever connects folks here and I’ll be happy to share my khyphoplasty experience.
Tanya
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Shelia~I have said the same things many times. I have done all that paper work as well. Just because you're signing it means that you have one less thing to think about. I didn't die when I signed mine. And you're not going anywhere. You are our sister and we love you. You're still in fight mode, still in the land of what the hell happened to my life shock. Just like. Me. Hold my hand. Cry on my shoulder, I am merely a phone call or pm away. Holding your hands tightly. I understand. I really do.
~M~
Tanya~ How sweat for you to try to reach out. Maybe Grannax can connect you two. You’re certainly a calming presence for sure.
Love you ladies !
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I do still pray, Tanya, though not as often as I used to or should. I just wish I was at peace and that I didn’t feel abandoned. Even with all of my personal issues with God, I try to at least pray for others and I try to always give Him thanks for his many blessings on my children and loved ones.
Mic, Intellectually I know that signing them doesn’t mean that, but I’m in such a sensitive place right now. I know you understand.
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I know intellectually we shouldn’t have cancer sweetheart!!!!!! I know the anger comes in rolls. Followed by such sadness you can’t swallow or breathe. Never understanding why others keep living happily and we are riddled with this beast on our backs. It is in no way fair. I know you knew that already by signing that. But I just knew that Was how I felt. I felt helpless, that even in my own death I still had little control, signing that power of attorney meant my DH would possibly have the final decision regarding my life. I chose no resuscitation or life measures. No life support, no financial draining anymore. I don’t want to be a vegetable and I don’t want be a bigger burden than I already feel here and now. Today I slept all day long. From around 12:30 to 3:30. Loved every second of it. That is where I find my peace. I rest my insaine mind because that’s all I can do when I can’t stand the own thoughts in my head. That is the only peace I have found sweetheart. And being here with you ladies. If you need to talk. I am always here a dial away. Please please remember that please.? 💙💙you!
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Hi everyone, I have dipped in and out this week, not a lot of time on my hands. My uncle is flying back to Ireland tomorrow morning. We have an early start at 730 to allow time to get him in the car, into the airport etc. He has got a little stronger each day and can walk a short distance on crutches. Everything is in place for him at the other side. It has been so hard on an 81 year old with Early Alzheimer's. I hope he can recover his physical strength.
Sheilamarie, thinking of you and hope you are comfortable.
Micmel, hope you can enjoy your weekend.
Will catch up with the rest after tomorrow.
Night night
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Hi everyone
Minnie, so glad to hear he is getting better each day. I won’t say not to worry, but trust that he can be strong.
Some advice I’ll throw out there in case anyone needs to hear it or hasn’t tried it. Meditation. When I was in a bad place only stressing all day every day, waking up at night planning how my fiancé will cover our bills and all that fun stuff. Meditation was suggested to me by my mom. I’ve heard of it and never tried it. I didn’t know it can be anything that gives you strength. Repeating a phrase that lifts you up, or concentrating on a word that gives you strength. You could listen to some calming music while doing this. The first 2 weeks I did this when I woke up at night, in the morning or just when I felt I was drowning. I couldn’t even go a minute without breaking my mediation concentration, but eventually I got better at it. I noticed I was sleeping through the night and could focus better during the day. I know it may not be for everyone. I always thought it was specific to certain religions, but anyone can do it and it doesn’t have to be religious if you don’t want it to be. I’m Christian so I find a verse that gives me strength and repeat it to music for 5-10 minutes, but there is also a Sikh meditation my mom showed me that I like as well. Hope this can help someone. I know I never thought to try it.
Hope all you beautiful ladies are doing well. Scrubbed the bathroom tile floor on my hands and knees today. Bad idea. Oh well. It’s way cleaner now. People use to have to scrub the stone floors in entire castles and huts...I’m lucky to have modern cleaners and tools.
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At this point I'll try anything... nights, day, evening you name it... sometimes I lay too much and I just want to scream because I don't want to lay down anymore. I don't want to be up too long....or my back starts to hurt. I really have to say no one could ever prepare someone for what cancer does. Not only with your mind. But every single cell we have. At any given time it could be a hot flash or a set of goosebumps that are pretty impressive. That's about the only thing impressive on me anymore. I want to live. But I'm tired. And I'm tired of sleeping, because I want to live. Whenever I leave my house, I count the seconds until I'm back in my little haven and I can't see the bright and shiny people living so wonderfully obvious, of how cancer has ripped so many people off of their lives and families. I'd rather stay inside if I am honest.
I was telling my bff who came for dinner last night. I don't really want to go outside and look at how beautiful this world is. All of the sheer beautiful things I have not yet gotten to see. Nor will I ever. When I see the beauty I feel even more out of place. Like I don't belong there because all of this is a permanent thing. (Normal life -and spans of humans in my thoughts) like I am a even more temporary presence that is slowly winding down like an old broken clock except, I am only 48. And others are younger with children and babies.
Mae~I hope you started on your kitchen like you planned. I know you need to be kept busy. Once again you're amazing. Sending thoughts your way.
Minnie~Glad to hear your uncle is on his way back home. I can't imagine how the poor man must feel. I wish him nothing but strong healing. It's miserable here raining windy leaves blowing everywhere! I've got my blanket. Early night for me. NyQuil down the hatch.
Parry,Ty for the suggestion. Like i said I'll try anything.
Daniel ~ How is the family ? Sending hello to lovely wife Leslie!!!!
Much love to all ~M~
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When I go out grocery shopping or what have you I feel like everyone knows I have this scary cancer and crap prognosis. Like a sign flashing over my head. Then sometimes I get mad at people who act like jerks. Don’t you know I have cancer? I know they don’t and I can’t expect people to or understand what I’m going through but I don’t remember being so conceited and I’m not sure how I feel about feeling like this. Then I’ll see old people and cry so I’m just a mess. Micmel, is this kind of what you meant? I thought I was the only one and that I was just being ridiculous about my situation. Cue internal scoldings probably making me look more like a crazy person...
Oh and to the people who give nasty looks when you ride the electric shopping scooter...boo on you and your judgey looks. Just cause I look young and fine doesn’t mean I am. I feel bad for my fiancé since they look at him too. How dare he let his perfectly healthy girlfriend ride the scooter so people who really need it can’t. Ok, deep breathes...phew.
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Parry~Yes the bright and shiny people that haven't a care in the world. I break out in self combustion and I know they look at me. Bright red face, looking ready to faint. That's when I usually break out in my speech loudly on purpose so they look Iike asses, on how people should listen to their bodies. Cancer is sneaky. Then they basically bail and split. Or the perfect couple that we used to be holding hands and smiling going about there weekends and garden projects or plans for their homes, working on it together. Where am I ? Either waking up from a nap, or mad dashing through the isles barely getting anything at all, just enough to eat so I can go back home again.
Then there are the people that are complete assholes and have money falling out of their asses and act like they own the world. They treat people like shit everyday and keep Getting away with it. Nothing ever happens tomthe murderers that harm young children or families. They are in jail yeah. But they have a roof over their heads and are eating daily meals. They die of natural causes, at age 89 or so after committing such terrible acts. Short of jail, they are still living. How about abusive parents to small babies and or children ? Or parents that desert children and leave them alone. It is a mind boggling, mind destroying, body destroying disease. Family ripping, tear jerking, confusing, numb, angering, heartbreaking ,insaine provoking, evil.
I thought back to that day at the attorneys office last summer, signing those documents, coming to terms with my name being on that DNR paper. It was so surreal. I can relate Sheila. I think we all can. At one point or another. The sadness is what I can't get over. The grief never ends. Ever since that awful day. I've never been the same nor Will i be. I do a lot of reading...many ladies live a real long time with our disease. If I really think about it. I don't even know if I'm strong enough to live a decade like this. But I will do whatever I can to try.
You ladies are powerful women. We have to find a way to continue the strength in our darkest times .. we have no choice whatsoever. Even if it's for other people, our families. That is our only defense to this. Along with our treatments. Love can move mountains.
This has been hard month for many of us. Let's buckle in tight... together... good night ladies. ~M~
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Melissa, just dropping by to send you a big hug. Thank you for caring so much for everyone at all times.
Leslie sends her love too. She is finally getting over her ear infection/conjuntivitis. Cold rainy weather is hitting Italy hard right now (its been a week and a half of daily storms) so here's hoping she wont get sick again.
Much love and respect to all of you gals
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Hello Daniel~Glad to hear Leslie is doing well. I believe it’s the time of year for flu, or colds. I’ve been dealing with sinus issues among other things. Everyday is a challenge. But we live for our families. We live to love them. Hello to Leslie! ~M~
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........this is my old guy. Last night was really chilly and he went straight into his little bed. I came out of the bathroom and this what I saw. He snuggled himself right into his ownblanket and off to sleep he went. He's hard of hearing now.. so I believe when he sleeps it's a very peaceful sleep for him. I spoil my dogs. But who doesn't ? Keep warm if you're on the north east! Or apparently in Italy as well! ~M~
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it's freaking cold out even worse than last night. Brrrrrr I don't know why I bother taking naps. I can't help it, my body just stalls out. I could sleep for weeks and it wouldn't phase me. I start the mornings feeling great. Then the fatigue train hits. Then I am down again. I see my Dad Tuesday. I can feel the anxiety already creeping in a long with the fear.
My oldest brother has really stepped up and has been so supportive even though he also was never really loved by him correctly either. None of us were. And we are seeing it clearly now as this begins. Seeing the first member of my immediate family die, estranged or not. Is a very hard thought to process when you're already in terror of your own death. I have to reach inside deep with this one. For him to have peace as he leaves us Again, but this time forever there is no going back now. It's too late. Just like i knew it would be. I was once so close with this man. How I ended up here is partly his fault for sure. And the assmonkey queens fault. But not mine. I reached out. I made efforts. I tried many times. No response. Now I have been called on by him to see him. Only now ? Because it's the end. That's the only reason it's happening now even. It wasn't a priority.... I've been terribly ill for going on three years in January. De novo none the less. Two phone calls and an unfulfilled promise to visit me and hold My hand during chemo. I never called back again and either did he.
I saw the actions as the same empty promises we all got as a child. I did call this week to leave a message, in case I didn't make it..in time and he could hear my voice. If the monster would hold the phone up to his ear. But this is a woman who has had his youngest child banned from the icu unit. Not knowing if he would make it through the night at last heart attack. As if I was a threat. His youngest child. Scared to death to not be able to say goodbye. Feeling like, how could someone be so mean.? How could she possibly get away with that? That's disgusting behavior. Why does she live through 1980's chemo.and lukemia ? When I'm fighting to live through 2016 chemo everyday I breathe. Why did she make it.? Why won't I? I am not a bar person. None of us are here who are forced to battle this beast.It's so maddening for sure. Answers I'll never get. I need to let go of for sure.
Much love ~M~
Tanya~ thinking of you today darling. In your pocket as you scan.
Too all of our ibrance ladies. I know this isn t a noted side effect that I can read about. So I wondered if anyone else has had an irritation in the inner skin of your elbow? Like where you bend it? It's not that bad. But I am noticing the longer I'm on it. The more tender it is becoming. I have to scrub it... and the skin does come off slightly! Not terrible but is there. Just wondering !
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Micmel I feel you’re getting stronger as Tuesday approaches and I’ll be in your pocket as you say goodbye to your dad.
Pet scan was baaad. It’s the veins 6 sticks today. Brutal. Nice people skilled and all but no veins for them to work with. Hey I didn’t cry or curse. I’m saving that for another day. Thanks for being there for me in my pocket.
My granddaughter took me for my Pet scan and it took longer than expected. I was worried about her waiting 1:00-4:20. But then I walked outside and there she was sound asleep legs hanging out of the front window. That cracked me up. She’s 18 and in her first year of college.
Minnie I’m glad your uncle left for Ireland. I know he’ll be happy to be in a familiar place
Have a good evening all
Tanya
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Tanya~Geeze I'm so very sorry that you have to play the bad vein game. It truly becomes annoying and quite painful after a while. I just wish they had a better way so that didn't have to happen to many many women and even. Men. For me, I only have one arm to expose to the pin cushion. Left arm off limits. Lymphadeama saw to that one. Your pocket was very comfortable, I had to Laugh at your mention of your granddaughter. They are something to make us smile for sure no matter how old they are. Hope for nothing but good results for you my friend. Hugs ~M~
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