My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Mae~Hi honey! I understand, completely. Somedays I feel like hell on wheels in my own mind. Obviously as you can clearly see by past postings. I also haven’t been myself... I feel like a bee inside a jar. You are loved Mae! Hugs. Hugs!
Waving hello to Lynne (Man)~ Hello lovely. Feel better!
~M~
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illimae, I hope the three residents in your home can come to agreement on what needs to happen in the space and who is responsible for what.
I voted. We didn't have to wait long. I had hoped not to see anyone I knew but of course, one poll worked is a lady I worked closely with for a few years. Oh well! I'm looking forward to a week or two without political ads and calls. That's an exaggeration but they'll jump on 2020 way too soon. I actually hope to live long enough to vote in that one.
This week I've had to block an individual and a few topics on BCO. Not related to this thread, but necessary. For too long I thought I'd try to empathize, but finally said "no more".
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sorry that you’re dealing with this muddling. Sometimes I have to remind myself that jerks get cancer too.
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Micmel - I’m here. Been reading, but mostly about mets to lungs and primary lung cancer. Either way, my situation sucks. I’ve laid in bed crying my eyes out, fearing that my life could very well be over in six months. That would barely give me enough time to see my youngest graduate high school. It’s not enough. That’s just not enough time. I haven’t heard when they are scheduling my biopsy, but I would like to get that over with so we can at least formulate a plan. So, yeah, it’s been a rough couple weeks for me mentally...
...and physically! The pain in my lower back has spread. My entire right pelvic area is under attack by something evil. That’s how it feels, no exaggeration. Now I’m also getting muscle spasms in my right thigh. But at least this one has an end in sight! I saw my rad onc today. I go for a pelvic MRI tomorrow so we can get rolling on radiation. I’m sooo ready to see if this helps. It definitely helped with my chest/arm so I have high hopes. Rad onc seemed completely confident that we’ll get it “fixed up”.
I believe that if I get the pain under control I maybe could work on my emotional state. I don’t know, but I hope. ~ x0 -
So true, illimae, and sometimes a cancer dx brings out the inner jerk. In this case it was the former. Anyway, "block" is a good thing.
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Muddling~I’m very sorry darling. But very relieved to her it doesn’t involve this thread. That’s really important to me. I want you to feel loved and safe here. Just let me get the goon squad together! Hugging you sweet friend. I’m sorry that you would have deal with such things. We all have our own loads for sure. You do what you gotta do!
Mae~ everyone can be a jerk. Every our own families. Mothers fathers sisters brothers. Children even. It’s a mad mad world for sure. I know exactly what having too much time on your hands is like. It’s almost a form of torture even. I’m so happy though you can do the gym thing. That’s so amazing to me. Unfortunately, where my limited cancer is has landed in my spine area and constant repetition aggravates the area. I would love to go back to the gym. I miss it very much.
You ladies are wonderful. Let’s all hang in there together
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this yellow house is my house. The rainbow looks like it’s penetrating into my bedroom where I sleep every night. This was taken today after the storm. My neighbor took the picture and sent it, saying someone was reaching out and touching me. It’s pretty amazing. To see such beauty right outside my house! Let’s hope it was something to allow me to clear my fog and have good blood work and scans these next two weeks. Love to all ~M ~ 0 -
Wow, Micmel!!! Very cool!
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Thanks, everyone, for the nice compliments on my porch. It turned out good, but it is all a matter of what you want to focus on in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, a slumlord owns rental property in town. One of his rental houses is beside ours. It is in bad shape. Another of his rentals was across the alley from our back door and was in such incredibly horrible condition, dh worked with city officials to get it torn down! And even in that shape, people lived in it for years until they were evicted and the city hastily condemned it.
I have some really nice neighbors, tho. We aren't on top of each other and in each other's business, but have casual back and forth interactions.
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There is a house like that in every development for sure. Lol at the word slum lord. Haven't heard that in ages. Neighbors suck for sure. Especially, if they are a wild pack of banchees that stay up late playing loud music and banging back a lot of beers. I just want you to have peace and quiet on. That lovely porch. I've always wanted a porch like that to sit with my DH on our rocking chairs. Sure don't know if that is going to happen now.
Things went well with my sister last night. I learned my father is dying and they don't give him very much time to live at all. I was told there is an urgency to see him and he has been asking about me. I have a terrible lump in my throat and heart. He hasn't been the best father consistently, but when he was at his best we were so very close. Time is lost. Life is fleeting, is the last thing I remember him saying last time he had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I went to see him then in ICU. I showed up the very next day to see him again and my step monster had me blocked from seeing my own father. We don't get along and that was her way of punishing me. I'm torn about the entire thing. One because I am honestly scared. I don't know how I feel about being so close to seeing someone dying, knowing that I could be following him not far from now if things start to go awry with my own condition. That's scary to me. The other is this month has been really difficult. Between falling and busting my face in late October and then my sinus infection and this entire withdrawal extravaganza I've been going through. I don't feel very strong. So much. That I am pretty much ready to call and re-schedule my blood work/XGeva shot and scan back two weeks so I can recover fully. I can't handle much more mental stresses.
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hi to everybody.
Micmel, I love the picture and how thoughtful your neighbor was. It makes me think that just when you feel so dark and alone there’s always a spark of light and positivity. In your case nature was giving you a big kiss and saying you go girl! At least that’s how I’d like to think of it.
Shelia, I hope you don’t put a timer on your life. If you stare at the clock counting the minutes down you might miss all the seconds that could be filled with happy memories. I know some people say what’s the point I’m not going to be here soon anyways, but you don’t know that. You know you have right now. No amount of time will feel like enough. There will always be another milestone and it’s shitty and heartbreaking. I’ve often thought what’s the point of making connections and loving people if you just leave them behind or vice versa, but I’d like to think those special connections we make are like threads that keep us connected after death so we can find each other again. I’ve even told my fiancé it will be like a business trip. I don’t want to go and it will feel like I’m gone for a long time. Just because I’m not next to him in person doesn’t mean I don’t love him. The love is there whether a physical presence is or not. What’s a long time when you have forever? I told him to make a lot of memories he can share with me later. Wouldn’t want to run out things to talk about. I assured him I’d be causing trouble where I have to go as well (this didn’t surprise him in the least). Also, if you find any good threads or lung mets topics I’d love to see them. I haven’t seen to much of it around here. That and skin mets. I tell myself cancer is cancer no matter where it goes in an attempt to cope. I hope you find what you are looking for and can get some good (or even mediocre/not worse) news soon.
Seems like a lot of people are down around the holidays. I think this time of year brings forth how limiting cancer has made our lives, what we have had/do sacrifice and brings the hard facts about each individuals situation to the front. Plus it’s the the time of year to be frivolous, happy, festive and has many cherished traditions going on that we miss out of or have to find a different way to experience. Overall it feels like a kick when your down in my opinion. To that I say f cancer (my new motto) and I’m going to find ways to create happiness despite this cancer cloud that envelopes life. It may not be what I’m used to celebrations wise, but learning and creating a new normal with friends and family is how I fight to not succumb to the emotional toll this cancer has taken. This year we will be decorating gingerbread houses the day after Thanksgiving to make our ‘family village’. I will be putting together a Christmas scavenger hunt for my family with a special prize (tbd) for everyone at the end of Christmas Day and focusing on the time I do have and have control of instead of what I don’t have, all the changes or things given up.
I’m not saying this fits for everyone. I see you guys getting out there and making memories and embracing life. I’m proud of everyone here whether you are doing good or struggling. You haven’t given up. you are doing what you feel is best. I hope you are proud of you too and can find comfort, love, and maybe some contentment.
One of these days I’ll be banned for writing too much. Sorry everyone!
Cheers to all
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Parry~Hello beautiful, glad to see you. I agree i am hoping it’s a sign that things will be ok, somedays are up and somedays are down. But at least they are days. The holidays literally have snuck up so badly on us I think we aren’t going to be able to make our Christmas in time with all the work that has to be done. Decorating is just not happening. I’ll be lucky to have a tree even put up. A Charlie Brown tree for me this year. Maybe two. One in my room for reminder. I can’t believe thanksgiving is only two weeks away. I will be doing no cooking. There was talk about DH’s sister and husband coming and having 5 total people. Who knows what will even go on. I’m too exhausted and mentally drained to even care. This thing with my father is something else. Knowing a parent is dying. Isn’t something. I really have experience with at all. Throw that in with the reality that I myself am categorically dying as well slowly. Is a double whammy!
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Micmel-I'm glad your visit with your sister went well. Sorry about your father. Do you have to travel far to see him? If he's close by, I would try to see him (that's just me though). If you have to travel, maybe you could call him instead, and say what you have to say. I love the pic with the rainbow! Big hugs!
Sheila-I hope they figure out something for your pain soon! Big hugs!
I am so glad voting is over (we voted once DH got home, lines were almost as long as the presidentials), but I know, being in the state with the first in the nation primary, they will start hounding us next spring! I put up a no soliciting sign on my front door from the last presidential primary, and they still come to the door. This morning, I was sleeping, and at 8am, my doorbell woke me up. It's on the front door, and our bedroom is in the back of the house. I did not rush downstairs. I finally went down around 9, and saw a sticky note on my door window. It said "don't forget to vote today". Really?? I am going to put up a no trespassing sign at the end of my driveway, maybe that will keep them away! Also add "NO POLITICS" to my no soliciting on my door. I don't answer any phone calls from numbers I don't recognize anymore. Only if's the 3rd time that I've seen that strange number, and I tell them to put me on the do not call list. If it's important, they will leave a message. The phone calls are unbelievable for the year and a half before the presedentials. I wish every voted in primaries on the same day!
I called the oncology office today, to find out my tumor markers (I called yesterday, but never got a call back). They said the numbers were there, but were waiting on the dr to sign off. I said for the past 13 years, she tells me she signs off on everything, and I am told by the office that she hasn't. I was told she was in the office (the only day she sees patients is on Fri), and they would have someone call me back. I told them I was going to vote, and to leave a message with the tm number. No phone call back, no message. I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow! Ridiculous!! Maybe I'll just stop over to the office in person!
The sun is suppose to come out tomorrow, so Mom wants to get out. That's what we'll do. Lunch and shopping.
Hope everyone has a better tomorrow than today!
Lynne
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Lynne(Man)~I am still in shock I think. It's going to be Tuesday that I see him so. I'll hope it goes well and I'll say my heartfelt goodbye and mourn in my own way it's sad that things happen this way for families. It's not like you can have a long discussion about the what's and what nots about the turmoil and what happened to cause the estrangement. All that will have to fall away to nothingness. It won't do anyone any good at all. It's going to be sad and my first real experience with death of a close or was a close family member. I knew this day would come. I just am in no way ready for it. But who ever is. Thank you for the hugs. I needed it! Much love ~M~
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Shelia~You slipped in there. I must have been posting at the same time as you were. I am sorry you're having a bad time, I think their is something with these past four weeks. I know when I say it's been a rough four weeks for us all. I don't want you to give up. You will see her graduate, I feel it. Mama bear needs to rest up and re group after some questions are answered. I always find when I'm worrying about my condition. My pain seems to escalate, it happened to me this week with my withdrawal issues. Now I'm experiencing the same thing again with this new stress of my father and his impending death. You are loved here and I know how strong you are. I know maybe you didn't want to check in. I'm sure you're mentally exhausted and don't really feel like. Doing anything. Thank you for letting us know how you are helps.I promise you when you say you were in bed crying. I was here in PA crying in my bed. It just sheer terror. You're not alone my sweet beautiful friend. 💙 ~M~
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Micmel, sorry to hear about your dad. Be open minded about your visit wth him. Just be there and don’t worry about what unfolds. You will be glad you saw him rather than stay away and wonder what if. Both my parents passed away in the late 1990s within 9 months of each other. It is true what they say, that the relationship we have with our parents continues even after they’re gone. Many hugs for you as you go through a very trying time in your life.
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Divine~Thank you. It helps to know others that have gone through this before me. I don't know what to expect. But I hope he hangs in there until I can get there. So much is happening. At one time. I am filled with fear and anxiety. As the pilot on airplane said in the movie
“I picked the wrong month to stop sniffing glue"
(Meaning my awful withdrawal episode) I'm suffering from stress and ptsd with scanning coming up and seeing my estranged sister and nephew and great niece for the first time in years. Blood work. Busting my face open on the concrete. My good friend dying here in my town of stage four cancer.sinus infection. I don't even know if that's all even! Stress is at maximum level. I need to calm down and prepare myself for what im about to not onlySee first hand and up Close. But the fear of knowing. That could be me. If things just explode without warning inside my messed up cancer body. I don't think i like any of this really. Not at all. No matter if I saw him every day or a lot. He's my father and deep down inside the love never leaves. I am just scared. Can't wrap my head around loosing a parent. None the less my own life. Which I could be the next one to really go. Talk about scary.
Then Patty, Magda and Keetmom 💔 another bad blow. Now I read another sister Wiepeg Paula is gone. She was an exceptional exercising woman and seemed to never stop. How does that happen!
Now we haven’t seen Katy K around ..😞 things have got to get better. 😞😞😞😞😞😞
Thank you Divine for your words and friendship. 💙. Love that porch. ~M~.
Can we sit and have. Some drinks on it ? Lol
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Micmel, drinks? Sure! What’s your fancy! I’ll serve whatever you like, from margaritas to old fashions, wine, craft beer or Fireball whiskey...just name it! All are welcome!
Many of us have or had a complicated relationship with one or both of our parents. My mother suffered from mental illness. I certainly wish I’d been much more kind to her when I was a teenager, even tho I made up for it later on in my life. Yet, she was at times consumed with my life and I felt guilt breaking free of her hold and going on to create a better world for myself. My dad was an alcoholic, yet especially in hindsight, I would never say that defined him. He held our family together thru all those times my mom was hospitalized and supported our family financially. Oh, yes, it’s all so complicated. Even now I am confused with what parts of my mom were her mental illness and what parts were her true personaity. One thing I did learn was that I became much much healthier mentally and emotionally once I was out on my own. They did the best they could during an era where society norms defined what their roles should be. Not a lot of room to grow into who you really might want to become.
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I just got home from my consultation with pulmonologist. He pulled up my PET scan from August.
Anyway, the procedure is going to be on Monday. This was a very emotional appointment as we had to discuss the what if's of being put to sleep. Because of the amount of pain meds I'm on, it'll take more anesthesia medicine, which just ups the regular risks. My thing is if I don't wake up, or if I need ventilation, or if my heart stops, I want to be resuscitated IF I can come back as me and not some vegetative state. If there's any chance of brain damage, I don't. He was honest and said that he's never seen a metastatic patient recover from CPR. Not truly recover. Now let me tell you what I heard. I heard that on Monday I may die. He said he'll do everything he can do to not let that happen, but that ultimately it's all in God's hands. Well this scares the shit out of me. God apparently doesn't like me. NOTHING has gone right since my MBC dx, regardless of how much I pray or how much anyone else prays for me. Even some of my more devout christian loved ones are starting to understand why I feel as I do.
I almost backed out of having the biopsy done. I like how straight forward this doctor is, so I asked him to honestly tell me if this biopsy can really make a difference in my life expectancy. He said that IF it turns out to be lung cancer and not mets, it could give more options for treatment, which is what my MO said, too. Then he said that I were his sister, he would definitely say do it. So for now, I have it scheduled for Monday. And I'm scared shitless. And I don't want to die. And why does God hate me?
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Good afternoon ladies
Thanks muddling for letting me know there’s a way to block people.
Sounds about right Mae jerks before cancer.
I love the rainbow Micmel. Whatever it signifies for you with the beauty color and light it’s fantastic.
Divine you’re absolutely right we all have some family dysfunction or dynamics that we’ve been through. Making a choice to do what’s best for you and your family is a difficult decision but is healthy for our soul.
Lynne NH I need a sign for my driveway too. I think it will say I voted already or something. Go away!!
Parry once I realized that this is it I knew I had to improve my QOL with traveling or just doing things i like. I agree not to count the time or have a timer on my life but I think it’s natural for us to guardedly plan for things in the distant future. I love how you’re doing the things that you can do right now. It’s inspiring and a reminder.
Sheila I’m sorry you’re in pain. The radiation did help me in my hip and back. It actually gradually disappeared and then I just noticed it one day, you know how you move in a certain way that usually is painful and you wait for the stab. One day I winced waiting for it to stick me and it didn’t. After radiation
I have Pet scan Saturday and I’m all set to start the anxiety insanity Friday. I keep saying I won’t do it (anxiety) and then slamnit creeps in.
Have a great day all
Tanya
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Oh Sheila honey~ I am chest heaving over here with worry and fear for you. I know how you're feeling, I'm terrified as well and I know how you feel about the dying thing. I'm about to see my father dying in front of my eyes knowing I most likely could very well be next. Perhaps like a preview for me almost. I'm terrified to see what's in store for me. I ask the same thing always. did god forget about me too? I pray all the time. Sometimes it ends up in yelling with my fists tighter and anger seething through me with absolutely no understanding of how to process such horrible emotions. You're so not alone. But I know that can't take it away, or lessen the worry about your sweet family. The only way you know what may happen is to try. This is why I say this.
I breathe on one lung. Only. I always have to be placed on life support during surgery because I'm already an increased risk of dying from lack of oxygen should something go wrong on the table. I totally get that fear of the unknown feeling. I was in that operation for over 10 hours. My DH was freaking out. But I made it. They watch closely for risk patients. It's your decision and any answer is ok. Just hold on to those you love and those who love you (including us) one day at a time. No one knows when it's our time honey. It very well may not be yours if you can get more treatment. You're in my heart and mind. Holding your hand in sisterhood. I understand. Geeze do I. 😪🤲😞❤️
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Divine~ I do wish we could all be together. The support would be a good and beautiful thing for us all. It’s just damn hard. I love the foliage also. Lovely view.
Tanya~ I just hope it means that someone is listening to me and my desperation in trying to believe in a god and try to figure out how to feel better somehow. It’s mind boggling the things we not only go through. But the fact that the hit just keep coming. Things go quiet for a while and you are scared shitless. Always In your pocket for scans. Mine are soon as well 😞💔 right with you in anxiety circle! Hugs
Love to all
Hugging you Sheila extra tight Beautiful friend
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I am doing some serious wrestling with this father situation here. This month has been so stressful. I don't even see how each day I even got through. Here I am faced with my own death but now my fathers as well and could possibly not be all that far apart. I guess in the end my step monster lost because she cannot separate us in death. If there is a way to find each other wherever we go. I'm sure it would happen. Maybe it is the eternal beings way of giving my father back to me finally without her input and interfering years on end. One never knows. I watch some of the medium shows and wonder. If it is real because, I don't have very many people who will have gone before me. I am afraid of dying too. I don't want to die. I love my family. I don't want to see my father die either. But maybe in some small way I'll be happy to know. He will be waiting for me when it's my time. Maybe then we can finally spend a day together, just us, no weirdness or issues. Just he and I together like it was before he left when I was four years old for her.
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Tanya. There's a lady named Nouzy who has bone mets who is considering the surgery you had. She's posted on the "liver mets, y90 " and other local. TX for liver. I posted back to her about y90 but I don't have bone mets. Do you post on bone Mets thread? I don't know if she does...I know there are questions you could answer some of her questions.
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MRI revealed the source of all my pain. I have a tumor deep in the muscle on my right lower back as well as a tumors on my pubic bone. I go tomorrow for CT simulation and should start radiation next week.
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Grannax~Hi honey...I'm so happy to see you. I hope that Tanya is able to help your friend sweetheart. Hugging you. I missed you ! 😊
Shelia Marie~I have been reading something on radiation, from what I have read it's very promising that they are moving forward with that. That means options sweetheart. Means you're forming an attack plan. I have. Heard. It can zap muscle and bone, brain and basically any met at all! I am very happy to hear they are taking fast action. The faster the better sweet woman! We are here holding your hand loving you every step.
One of my best friends came by today to have dinner with me. She brought it over. She's such a damn good friend. I am very particular with whom I allow to be in my life. I don't like drama and I cut it out of my life wherever needed. She's so kind and supportive. I'm so thankful for her. I needed to have a friend night. It helps calm me down. I've been such a wreck lately.
Hello to...,Runor...Mae...Parry..Bella..JKL...Minnie...Tanya. Divine, both of our lovely Lynne's....Bigbhome.....missing you hope you're doing ok..GP...Egads. Miss Bianca...Footprints...Daywalker....masons..... thinking of you... all...
one of my first friends on the boards got some really bad news today, she is going to be moved into hospice after these last few treatments are finished. Too much cancer now to manage. 💔When I heard this, I just didn't really Even know what to say. I am surrounded by so much sadness right now I can't even handle it. I have never experienced anything like this before. With my father, my estranged sister.. myself being diagnosed, and now this. All the loss lately is really hard. The fear never leaves. And the losses are piling up. I never imagined feeling so much pain inside my heart. I'm going to buckle in. Because it's trecherous. These are feelings I've honestly never felt. Throw in scanning and some blood work along with that, and I just am thinking. I'm going to be rescheduling bloodwork for two weeks out and scanning the following week. I can handle all of this at once. I'm about to say goodbye to my father and watch death first hand in front of my eyes. Having stage four cancer. And seeing that will be something I have never dreamed would happen. I guess I am going to have to go on auto pilot. Or else I may collapse under all this fear and stress.
Love you ladies. ~M
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Micmel, I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is always hard to be there close to someone near then end with everything so "real" and family relationships are often complicated. I haven't dealt with a family member being near the end but have had to see two people from work pass from cancer, including one man with breast cancer who sat near me and a woman who lived 8 years with stage 4 ovarian cancer. It is weird to discuss it with my colleagues because I find myself thinking, is this what they are going to say about me? And with the one who lived 8 years, she completely beat the odds living that long but still, in that best case scenario, I don't find that 8 years would ever be enough for me with my little one needing a mother. It is surreal. I hope you come to some decisions about how to handle your father's situation in a way that gives you peace and closure and leaves you with no regrets. The timing is certainly tough given that you are also dealing with going cold turkey recently.
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Micmel and Sheila, can we sneak onto your pockets and keep you company? Micmel, I want to be a white tiny smooth pebble in your pocket so that you know that we’re with you, you can rub it when you need company or comfort. Sheila I think yours is pink rose quartz. You both are facing big challenges with such courage....I’m in awe. I wish we lived closer so that we could give each other hugs and have a good cry or two before we pick up our feet and go on.
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Sheila... I am staggered to stillness reading about your terror and pain. My heart is torn out because this is the fear that gripped me back in the beginning, and grips me still in the darkest hours of night when I can't sleep and hear my husband breathing beside me and wonder how many more years we will sleep beside each other. This despair is real. This feeling of falling into endless blackness of despair, it's real and it is a hell that has no name. No way to truly describe it. I think what many cancer patients fight with is not how to find a way to live as much as to find a way to be okay with dying. I don't know how anyone does it. I wish beyond words that I had one single word to help you, to ease your suffering and soothe your mind. I wish I had the power in my hands to lift the fear and fill you with peace and knowing that everything will be okay. No matter the outcome, you will be okay.
Micmel, I have read about your father. I cannot imagine the stress and exhaustion that you feel right now with all the misery that has been heaped on your lately. I believe both stress and exhaustion are temporary states, to some degree. However, regret is a sticky burr that clings for a long, long time. If you will regret not seeing your dad, then do everything you have to do to get there and just be there. It is not your job to heal all the wounds of the past, to forgive or explain. He needs you to just be. Attend. Show up. That is everything. It will be enough. It will be everything. Do not heap upon yourself the curse of regret.
When my dad died, I was there. I had my hand on his arm and looked right in his face as he breathed his last breaths. My husband or mom or brother were not with me, as someone usually was. We visited dad in pairs. But this night I was alone. This night I did not want to leave. The snow was falling so hard and the roads were getting treacherous and I just sat beside his bed and listened to his rattling breath. Then it quit. And I shook him and said dad, dad? I got the nurse. She knew he was dead. But she made a great show of applying the stethoscope to his chest and checking his wrist for a pulse. She did this to help me believe, because I could not. I could not believe. I could not grasp. I thought I would fall apart but I didn't. I wanted to be there. I NEEDED to be there. I would have suffered forever had my dad died alone in a hospital bed with no one there to witness or mark his leaving. I was there. Thank god I was. It was the best thing he could have done for me. I felt that I had stood and been counted when it mattered. No regrets.
If you can find the energy, even knowing your step monster might be there, do this as a gift to yourself. No regrets. This is not, in any way, an easy task. But I think it will give you a measure of peace and satisfaction that you stood and were counted when it mattered. You strike me as that sort of person.
To all who need strength, I pray that it finds you. Hugs.
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JFL~ I am wrestling with it. But hearing stories and getting understanding that I don't have. Helps. I'm like a walking zombie. I'm tired my mind is tired and it's something I'm trying to prepare myself for. Its just too much sadness to even comprehend at one time. It's like my brain is short circuiting on purpose to save what little mind I have left. They don't say when it rains it pours for nothing. Ty for caring and I hope you're doing well and feeling strong. It means so much sharing feelings. Thank you. The medicine issue is calming. Down. I am not going to titrate down anymore until after the holidays and all of this is over. I can't do both at one time. So I decreased to lower doses and am breaking pills in half with palliative guidance. Phew gotta say. Ooofff. That is tough stuff right there for sure.
Pots~I smiled when I read your idea about the rocks. It's just beautiful. Thank you for such a thoughtful suggestion. The support we need is of something not many people can get. Throwing on top other stresses other than your own sickness, that's some major stress. I'm doing the best I can right ? We all are.
Runor~ Hello my friend. Always so good to see your name. Ty for sharing such a personal thing with me. I don't really know in my condition if I can provide the death watch... I just get too tired and the pain starts. I don't want him to die alone. Or with some strange nurse who means well and is doing the job she came for, my stupid monster of a step mother should be dedicated by his side not moving like I would be with my DH. No matter what it took. I feel Time has been wasted and it's just sad. I am begging to know if there is a heaven. I sometimes falter and give in to the anger and dis belief that a good god would allow good people here to suffer senseless disease and pain. I am starting to believe it's just natures way of keeping the population under control and is just one of those paradimes we just will never understand. =the meaning of life. Who the hell knows. All I know is what i am now living could be misconstrued as hell for sure. Am I already here? I will hold his hand and I will love him unconditionally in hopes he may wait for me on the other side. I have visions that keep coming up of me as a little blonde 4 year old girl looking at up a man who she thought was her hero. Her protector. Her father. Reaching for his hand... begging to feel safe and taken care of. Unfortunately when I reached for his hand, that monster grabbed his hand before I knew what even hit me. I'll never forgive this women for all of that. Now... if she isn't taking care of him during his death. I believe that just may be a moral sin.
💙. Love to you and all. ~M~
Holding your hand Shelia. Our sister
To my Dad himself. Please hold on Dad. I’m coming. Don’t let go yet. Wait for me.
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