My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Well, here it is, my tumor markers have taken quite a jump. See the on c tomorrow, will see what he thinks. I'm thinking the Abraxane has quit working. We'll see I guess! If it has i think I'm on to xeloda.
Micmel, thinking of you this afternoon with all you are going through with your Dad. Big hugs!I
Lynne, prayers for a good placement of your port tomorrow!
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Gracie, I am sorry that your tumor markers are up. I hope that you don’t have progression , and the rise in TMs is due to dying cancer cells. If you do have to change medication, I found xeloda to be a very tolerable treatment. It has worked well and for a long time for many people. I will say a prayer for you. Thank you for your good thoughts about my port placement. I am not nervous about it. I just want it to be over and done with.
Micmel, I am sure you are emotionally and physically exhausted tonight. You are in my thoughts.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Thanks for the prayers, Lynne! I’m hoping it’s just tumor flare too.
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Gracie~ my vote is Tumor burn.
I am. Beyond Exhausted. Tired! Doesn’t cut it. Long long day for this one. Going back to bed, will read back and reply soon.
Thank you ladies for all the personal messages I came back home too.. it was a special thing. I appreciate you all so much. Much love ~M~
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Micmel. I'll never forget the day the social worker told me that in hospital hospice would be paid for. Such a relief. It was for my husband during his last days of living and I was in my last week of radiation. Evidently if the family can't provide appropriate care the patient can be moved to in hospital hospice. It was by far the best care, 24/7 at no cost to us. He died peacefully and with dignity. Answered prayer.
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Had to cancel my appointment! Snow,....ugh!!!! Rescheduling for next week.
Micmel, I remember how exhausted I was at the end, taking care of my mom, and I didn't have the emotional things going on that you have with your Dad!!! Please take good care of yourself, the stress is very hard on you!!!!
Thinking of you Lynne!!!
Grannax, good to see you post! You remain in my prayers daily!!!! How is your new treatment going? Side effects tolerable? Praying praying for great results!!!!
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Hi All-
Just popping in to say hello. Micmel, I hope all went well with your visit with your dad. I'm sure he was happy to see you!
There's not too much activity on the other threads that I troll. Like Grannax, I am now on the A/A combo and it has done a number on me. 25 pounds down since the end of October. Had mouth sores and raw tongue from hell...Onc took me off Affinitor for 9 days and poof,,,all sores gone! Just started back this past Sunday so praying the sores don't come back. Using my mouthwash religiously. I miss Ibrance/Faslodex soooo bad!
Best wishes to all for good scans and good results!
MM
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I now have a port. The procedure went well. The anesthesiologist told me that she would only keep me under until the local anesthetic was applied, then she would let me be awake. I wasn't awake afterall, but all is well. I am glad to have that behind me. I fly to Florida tomorrow morning. Yay! I look forward to warm weather. With the exception of yesterday, it has been extremely cold here. I need a break. It looks like it will only be in the 50s or 60s in Orlando for the next few days, but that is much better than 5 degrees.
Micmel, How are you feeling? What did the hospice team recommend? How was your visit with your Dad?
Gracie, I am sorry that your appointment was cancelled. I hope the snow melts quickly.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Gracie. No the AA is just as terrible as I had read and had anticipated. Last week was the worst of three. Pain, no appetite( lost seven pounds in seven days), weak, sleeping 14 hours a day. Just bad. 😞
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50’sgirl,
Welcome to Florida. Our temps are warmer than what you are experiencing but 50 degrees here with our humidity can be quite chilly. Plan to dress in layers...cold in the morning, warm by noon, getting chilly by 4:00-5:00. Have a great cancer free vacation
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Lynne, glad things went well! Safe travels and enjoy that warm weather!
Grannax, I’m so sorry you are having bad se’s 😟 Will be praying for you that it’s kicking cancer’s rear!!!!! Gentle hugs!!!
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Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. I had a lovely day!
Lynne, glad the port is done. I have had my port for a long time and it makes iv treatments so much easier. Have a lovely holiday. Sounds like a nice change of weather will do you good.
Micmel, I hope all went well with the meeting. I was there in your pocket too, I'm sure you are worn out.
Gracie, hope the others are right and it's just a flare. Thinking of you.
Love to all, hope treatments, scans etc all pass easily. X
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Lynne, very happy to hear thst your port is in and all is well. Have a great time in Florida!! It’s been cold here in Philly too, today was the first day I’ve left the house in 8 days. Just don’t want to deal with the cold.
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Grannax, sorry about the tough treatment. Is it going to impact your fashion show? I think you had another one coming up, right?
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Micmel I was in your pocket too Just have a cold that’s kept me really behind.
Gracie my markers went up as well. Let’s hope it’s a false alarm! I’ve been asking around other thread and the consensus seems to be those tests aren’t super reliable and can jump around. Here’s to hoping!
Lynn glad your port install went ok
and Florida sounds awesome. Soak up all the beautiful weather I hope you have a fabulous time.
Well I thought I was getting over this cold everyone I know has had. Went in for infusion Tuesday and BAM Wednesday fever and the works like a brand new cold coming on. I talked to my MO telling her my white counts were good so I think i can weather it at home, but nope referral to the ER so there went my whole day yesterday. At least we found out it’s not pneumonia (yet), but the bad news is it’s a virus (metapneumovirus) they can’t do anything other than tell me I’m at a high risk for developing pneumonia. Living on cough drops, Tylenol and hot tea. Be careful everyone this is one hell of a cold and if you see someone cough it can travel up to 20 feet if I’m remembering right.
Hope everyone else is faring well in the cold months hugs and love to everyone
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Hi ladies~ I am coming up for air... I slept all day and my spine feels like glass. I honestly hate cancer!! screw you. Seriously. I just want to be able to do things again, help my sweet DH in everything he does. He busts his ass every single day. Taking care of two houses, and everything associated with them. He's so wonderfully special and each day he gets older also. Why can't I even do things ? My spine is ready to snap, but I'm stable? Ugh!!!!!!
Seeing my father was sweet. My sister and I visited him first, together and he was very happy. He said “what a pleasant surprise" And smiles huge. He kept asking me to brush his hair and help his sheets and move this blanket and his head pillows and foot levels. He wanted me to be around. He was fiesty....
The meeting wasn't very helpful, their income is middle and there is no help for middle income people at all. They used to be quite wealthy but over time of his princess pea not working at all but continually spending money added up. Now she has to work and makes decent money, but not even to afford the home and personal care. And pay all the bills and still work. So the gist is until he deteriorates more he won't be able to have Home hospice more than an hour a day. Not 24/7 like in a hospital setting.
My step monsters arm was mentioned she is going to be down for six weeks. He is staying I. The hospital unit until maybe Monday. Then he will be moved into a facility temporarily until her arm is healed and then she will be hiring a part time 20 weekly nurse for care and the family will have nights. And weekends and the rest of the gaps must be filled.
In pa at least, if the family cannot care for someone, they become a ward of the state and they assume all of your income. So it's been noted in his file that if a representative nurse, comes to the home and no one is there it will be noted. If it is a reoccurring thing, they will just take him.
I realize that I cannot offer any physical help. I can comb his hair and give moral support and visit him. I am not able to be caretaker. It breaks my heart. When I left. He said Boo, please don't leave me here alone to die. I didn't even have words. My heart swelled and I said “ we have your back dad, don't worry about anything" It was one of the most difficult thing I had to ever do. He is just fading away.
He saw me come into his room followed by my stepmonster at the same time. He raised his head and said “oh shit". “things must be real bad now". He knew the only thing that would bring us together would be his death. It hit him hard. He wokeup and reached for our hands. Instant drain of all my strength. I just don't know what to do. Where I fit in. How I act. How to talk... it was sad sad, confusion at its best. One day at a time.
Lynne~so glad the surgery went well, I was thinking of you. So happy it's over enjoy Florida you so deserve it.
I'm so stressed out. I've rested all day and I'm exhausted... still no relief. At all. I can't handle stress this way.
Much love to all ~M~
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here is a new read. Something we or others can hope for.
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I didn’t think I’d ever say this but...bring on the fat please!!!
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This is heavy stuff when you are least equipped to deal with it. I am so sorry for this.
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Skitzbitz. I saw something about this and meant to try to post. Send on the fat indeed. Fat instead of cancer suits me.
Micmel, so hard for you. Just to say we are all here as a sounding board. Scream if you want to. Please rest today x
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Yes Minnie I agree. Then, after the cancer turns into fat cells, they can give us AA to kill the fat cells. My chemo brain just thinks that is the funniest thing ever. LOL. I will be happy to keep this weight off though. Even though my red gown will have to be altered.
I'm still making plans to go to NYC February 16. But. last night I had a dream about tying to do too much NYC stuff and collapsing in the street. I also have to have a brain MRI next Friday. My DD mentioned brain fog so my MO ordered MRI. Now the what it's are starting. If it's not one thing its another.
Micmel I can just picture that scene. Timing baffles me sometimes, why can't we just do cancer? Isn't that enough? But, life says we all have to lose our fathers, no one is exempt. Then we hear these sweet stories other people have with their dying fathers. Adapt. But, how? 💞
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its a real shit storm. I'm mentally and physically drained beyond understanding. Like wow. Adding the constant worry if He's safe. Is this the last goodbye? How long does he really have? How long do I have ? Too much to process and dealing with the cancer placement in my spine from hell, you would think cancer would be enough. Even just visiting him regularly, and traveling up an back to see him just exhausts me even further . Cancer has ruined my life, our lives. My DH and family. Stuggles everyday. Helpless feelings of inadequacy and uselessness. I am on my week off of ibrance and I should have more energy but I absolutely do not! I'm going to be starting another round #28 I believe. Ibrance is wonderful yes. But it hits you like a train with mighty force of fatigue. Sleep is my solice. But one can only lay for so long. The thing that is also scaring me is my mother has voiced wishes tommive back closer to me from Mississippi. She also has her own set of health issues. It is both parents starting closely. I don't have any energy or power any longer I am done. With fighting others battles or being the shield. I am the one now who needs to be shielded. Thanks ladies. For the understanding and kind words. Much love ~M~
Bring on the fat cells!
I am getting ready to go for another visit with my DH and my daughter. My son can’t go because of his new job and then doing inventory, he isn’t happy about it. But loves his new job! I’m so proud of him. I’m so tired and I need a shower but I just don’t even want to Move a muscle. I want to sleep and dream that this isn’t not happening, and I am not sick. Maybe I feel if I keep repeating I am not sick. It may somehow happen. What An idiot! (In herminee’s words from Harry Potter
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Micmel, 🙏🏻❤🙏🏻❤🙏🏻
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Micmel
I’m glad your DH will join you on this visit.
Even though it’s sad it’s nice to get out with our families. I hope everyone behaves and your dad gets his soul nourished some more with your kindness and love.
Take care all
Tanya
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Micmel I’m sending what emotional mental physical strength I have to you. We are with you sister, you can do this, one painful shitty step at a time until it’s not as bad as the step before. Big soft warm hugs to you beautiful friend.
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Hello beauties, visited again today with my sweet DH.! My daughter also went and she is just so loving and sweet. She really has come around and learned I think from being out on her own. When we walked in. The step monster was in the visitors chair, the only visitor. So we threecame in and he was very happy to see us all. He was all bent over and looked very uncomfortable, so I asked him, Dad do you want to sit up? He said yes. So my DH and I lifted him up in his bed to his pillows and he said he was comfortable. Then he wanted me to re make his bed, because his sheets were bundled, so we made his bed over for him. Then he wanted me to scratch his back. Which I did for 15 minutes or more. When I stopped he said why did you stop.lol. So I went into the bathroom and got a cold compress to shrink the blood vessels and then they would stop itching him. My step monster had to sit and watch that occur and she couldn't lift a finger because her arm was in a braced up contraption. He didnt want us to leave.
I'm trying to just allow this to happen with him knowing he and I are ok. Then he sees civil behavior and won't be worried about after he's gone.
When I went to leave. I kissed him and he asked me when I was coming back again.
I said goodbye to my stepmonster so my dad would see it really was ok and didn't have to worry. She said thank you honey for coming to the meeting and all your help this week. I almost fainted. My DH said he thought it was an olive branch. I guess we will find out.
After all this estrangement all this meanness my DH drove me home and put me in bed And said “do you want to financially help them with the nurse for your father?" This Man was threatened, by them they said bad things about him during my divorce and all along throughout the estrangement they were mean. Plain and simple. No one came to any of my cancer meetings for families. No one helped my brother when he had his major heart attack. No one helped when. I needed help after ac chemo and abraxane and four awful surgeries. It was my kids and my sweet DH and a few friends. Those are the thorns that cut! How do you move on. I wrote on his board we loved him. I do love him. I just don't know how to feel sometimes ! Ugh families ! Much love.
Thanks Parry my beautiful team mate. Hi Tanya. Good to see you sweet friend.
Runor and Rosabella. ❤️❤️
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you are amazing Micmel. You have a ton on your plate and yet you care for others here as well. True role model. I hope to be like you when things go south for me or my fam.❤❤❤❤❤🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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Micmel I was thinking about dyin the other day and thought the best gift my family could give me was to be ok. To be able to pass on knowing they will endure and come out more worn but not broken. Of course I don’t want to say this because I want it to be genuine and not forced, but I think it probably brings your dad great peace to see you and see the civility. Families are complicated, relationships are complicated. Doing the best you can with what you are given speaks volumes of your character and I know your dad & even the step monster sees it. Coming from a very messed up family on my side I’m proud of you & how you are handling everything. Don’t forget to be extra nice to yourself as well!
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I am down with my back again😔 ugh! That is what I get for lifting my father. I just want to be normal again. This is troubling my heart. I just cannot be who I want to be. I am weaker than I ever feel within in my mind physically. My mind feels like I am the healthy 48. Year old woman who just wants to take care of her father. Right now it’s all I can think of. Besides my sweet DH who carried me into the shower today as my back went out in total agony ! Cancer you’re just too much of an asshole and I truly hate your guts! 💔
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Hugs Mel!!!! You have so much on your plate right now, please take care of you! Sending you gentle hugs, and prayers for you daily. It's hard to go through what you are going through with your Dad!!!!
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