My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Oh Micmel...tears of joy for you and your daughter...thank you for sharing such a special, profound story.
Gumdoctor
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Micmel that story gave me goosebumps. Hopefully soon, I will share one like that about my DD.
PerryandI. I've been reading your story even though I haven't posted. You and your husband must have courage above and beyond admirable. Thank you for your words of encouragement, that is exactly my wish.
Daniel you are every woman's dream caregiver. Your loving, faithful care of your wife uplifting to her and to us.
Tanya love the hula skirt. I have pics like this of me when I went to Maui 10 years ago. One playing a ukulele, one with a fresh pineapple on my head, one in a canoe, one surfing. Ha. All fake. It was for a little book for my granddaughter.
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Grannax~ I am hoping for you that you will! All that you have done and accomplished.... it just plain will happen.
I saw my father today. When. I arrived he wasn't in a good mood at all. I could tell he was fatigued and not comfortable. I had brought him warm pumpkin bread with butter and some coffee...at first he didn't seem interested but then slowly. Wanted to see what I had. I took his dirty laundry and put away his clean things. I said you're all set with your clothes dad. He replied “that is because you're the one doing all of it for me, and I appreciate it. Thank you..". I said back with a smile. “Dad, I don't mind. I want to make sure you have what you need, we are all a team right?" And he smiled. I sat with him for an hour and we talked about things that I never throught I would. Ever get the chance to hear. He said he knew I did the right thing for my life and that he knew I was happy and taken care of. He knew my DH is a good man. He knows I have a happy life that I am holding onto with all of my might and heart. Today was filled with exceptional moments. How odd... how it comes.
His back was itching him a lot. I covered his back with the itch cream that I had for my own skin issues with all my surgeries and it works! his shoulders and tried to coat it and make it thick to help. He seemed happy with that. And told me he was tired. I said I would be back tomorrow. He watched me walk away...sometimes I get scared with worry.... will this be the last time I look into his big blue eyes.? I don't want to see him suffer. But I've not lost someone of immediate family. And I don't know how one goes about loosing a parent or someone in your life that is not someone who comes and goes. Even though there was estrangement, the love as a child was there. I'm learning as I go that I miss being young when all you did was want summers off and all you did was worry who's pool we would swim in that day... I always felt like I'd always be so young. Then one day a wrinkle appeared. Then a lump. And now every single moment of my new normal is spent wondering if this moment I am experiencing with this person may be my last. Terribly frightening.... and surreal..... but I am also loving more and forgiving more. I kinda like those things. Sometimes change can be good.... ~M~
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Mel, you are such a wonderful daughter. It blows me away that you can put aside your own pain & fatigue to take such good care of your father. You are an amazing example to your own children (& to all of us!). No matter what the future holds for your dad, you have given him a gift that is truly enhancing whatever time he has left. I am so happy for you that he finally validated the decisions you made in the past; you surely deserve that. I hope your conversations with him bring you peace.
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I guess it all comes back to.... you gotta do what you gotta do... I could make excuses. But that helps no one at the end of a parents life. At least I’ll have these moments forever. The moments of him knowing that nothing kept me away. Every time he gets changed into a new sweatshirt or clothing. He smells the fresh smell of the fabric softener. The softness of love in the dryer. Every folding of every towel. Shows I loved him no matter what!
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Micmel it’s sobtouching to hear how you are taking cre of your dad. I wish I could have taken care of my grandma more. Life is so fragile. It can be over in a moment by any number of causes. Having cancer has stripped away the illusion I didn’t know I had that it’s esdy to live to be 50 or older. I almost felt like it was a guarantee and bad things happened to others. Now I know nothing in life is guaranteed. It’s not that it changed, but I’m more sensitive to it staring this disease in its face. I also realized just because I have cancer doesn’t mean that’s what will do me in. You just never know so enjoy what’s in front of you and hope to have more. It’s easier said than done of course! Yay another day of feeling like bleh, but I am glad for the time. Hope you & dad have a good day tomorrow 😊0 -
Parry~ my beautiful friend. I’m exhausted. As I know we all are. I thought yesterday about my energy levels and how they suck. I forced myself to move yesterday. When I got home, I was so happy that I made myself do it. I guess for me, It’s going to come down to pushing myself beyond what I thought was possible, it is a real thing for us all. I literally just woke up and could go back to sleep already. Caffeine doesn’t do a damn thing. My ritilan lasts for a few hours. But feel fake on it. Like a running engine with only fumes coughing to the gas station. I have a lot to do today. Ugh! Abracadabra it’s done! NOT!!!! I wish I had a magic wand! For us all. I honestly do!
Runor? You ok girl ? Nanette you’re on my
Mind. As all you other ladies and Daniel are. 💙 to all my friends! ~M~
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It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! 76 degrees, the sun is shining and the humidity is low! Its a great day to be alive!
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Micmel you can do it! Just don’t over do it lol. I definitely know the running on fumes part and I don’t do half as much as you. Once the pain is under control I hope to be more active, but it seems like everything is just a wait and see how it goes and time is not a resource I want to use for wait and see! We could use a magic wand! Decorate it all pretty with our team name and everything. Anytime one of us gets bad news or needs some help. Poof! Magic and it’s all better 🧞♀️💖
Bighome I love that picture. I can’t totally see myself hanging out drinking some sweet tea watching the clouds drift by and the birds chirping...smell of the trees and dirt. Hope you have some extra time to just enjoy your beautiful day 😊
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thank you Bigbhome for pointing out something I need to be thankful for each day. What a beautiful sky and a beautiful pic. From a beautiful friend. Who Ive missed ! Hugs sweetness !
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Today was so busy. At least for my standards. I took a shower. Which is a chore and a reminder of what I have lost. Violently. I'm beyond thrilled because my hair is growing back like wonderfully .. I'm thrilled about that more than I can express. I have a love affair with my hair. We all do I believe. Some care more than others id suppose. After that I went to get gas got a kick ass deal at cvs, went the dispensary for my medicine....went to Panera to get my father and iced tea and blue berry muffin. Then spent over an hour with him cleaning him up from an ice cream sandwich... he was sooo sticky... picked up his dirty laundry again. And came home and my DD had dropped off her laundry as well lol. Today I did 7 loads of laundry at least. Folded them all and now I am exhausted. I wanted to make a dinner tonight but I'm too tired. I always run out of steam. Like a radiator with no coolant or water left in it. I just stop! Hope everyone is well today. M
Tanya~ hope your travel home is a safe one.
Much. Love to all ~M~
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Parry~I do notice for myself that when I force myself to do more. I feel better physically and mentally. Like I have a use. It may not be what I'm used to. But it's still something people have to have!! Magic wand a for all and that way we can all wish for a cure for every single type Of cancer.
Like the announcement of Alex Tribec. Jeopardy. Stage four pancreatic cancer. So scary and so threatening. I can't imagine any cancer and I never could. Then I got it. Now it's all that my life revolves around. Sucks
Marianelizabeth~hope you’re doing good too. Been a little while. Sheila Marie💔🥺. Thinking of you.
Scwilly. In my thoughts.
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First Doxil infusion today-so far, so good. More details tomorrow
Love to each-Mary Jane
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rest up and get a good night sleep. Thinking of you! 🥰
Hugs ~M~
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bigbhome. That’s exactly how I pictured your home. Be
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Hi all, checking in before I get called out, lol. I’m here and doing well. Picked up DH from the airport Wednesday (the tour is over for now), so nice to have him home. I got new tattoos last night to honor my little ones (puppies), a paw print 🐾 🐾 for each that have passed in the color of their leashes (pic coming soon). Other than that, just relaxing for a couple days before Sunday cleaning and cooking.
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Great picture BigB! Where are the horses and where are your fur babies? Wish I was down there it was a beautiful day. Did you ride today
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Back- waiting for muffins to bake for flipping Scouts Pinewood Derby tomorrow. I love being part of my community and I have loved to cook and bake since I was 12. BUT, (watch out here comes a rant) . I am what you call the anchor in my family, I am natural mother and caregiver. I learned how to balance things better(more time for myself) in my 50's. BUT, I am sick and tired of beseeching my family to start stepping up and do more for themselves, "learn" my schedule and what I do around here. They don't get it when I flip out! I'm thinking "you bloomin' self centered idiots---I received new Chemotherapy this morning, then went to lunch with the dear friend who went to chemo with me. I had to leave both grands here with my 32 year old very dysfunctional, but sweet DD. She did get them breakfast, but mostly monitored them from upstairs in her flipping bed. Came home to massive sink of dishes and grands glued to video games. Had a few hours to regroup before heading out to my grandsons AMAZING unicycle show til 8PM, then took him to McDonalds and went to grocery store. Got him to bed and need to be at Pinewood Derby at 8am. I think I am going on the steroids I got with the Doxil. I think I could hit them all upside the head with 2 by 4's and they still would not get it. I want them somewhat prepared before I exit this world. i almost think i will die smiling because I won't have to do it all anymore. I am an enabler, but have been railing against it for months now. Of course DH is in New Zealand(none the cancer stuff had hit the fan when the trip was planned, and he has been so sweet on the phone and concerned) BUT-he is an engineer, and thus a reincarnation of Mr. Spock with mild Aspergers. He gets is his routine and can't always change it to adapt to a new situation. Gosh, I do love them all so......BUT sometimes they really are a pain in my toosh..
So, my MO and I met on Thursday and hastily planned my 1st Doxil for today. When he came into the room, I told him that this disease was starting to tick me off a bit. He said "me too".... I said "It's like the invasion of the body snatchers, you know, there are a few organs left in my abdomen that they haven't sampled yet, what's the hold up here?" He laughed and laughed, but the look on his face when he walked in was of concern. I asked him if he expected a response with the Doxil, or had things just gone amock. He said, Oh, yes, I expect a response, we need to get this turned around" I love this Doc; he is awesome! OH yeah-other good news(not) Today we did the Doxil via a vein, but I will be getting a port before next infusion on April 4th.
Nurses at this infusion center(new to me since MO moved) rock the earth-wonderful. So, got IV placed, got nausea meds, ice packs on wrists and ankles to ward off hand and foot. Waited a bit started Doxil infusion-15 minutes on noticed reaction = chest tight, breathing a little wheezy, feeling heartburn sensation. Told nurses- they were on me like the white on rice. Stopped IV, gave benadryl, steroids, IV saline, hooked up vitals. Began feeling better quickly-resumed Doxil at slower drip and got it in fine. Damn-I WAS NOT LEAVING THERE WITHOUT ALL OF IT ON BOARD.
Bighome-loved hearing you were lanquishing in the beautiful day at your lovely home!
Tanya-Hawaii looks like it suits you and your Mum!
Micmel-love you gal!
To everyone -love you all, would be lost without this very real, honest thread. Best, Mary Jane
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Made it back from Hawaii to NY. JFK was a challenge. Moms in a wheelchair, I’m pushing a walker loaded with carryon. Neither of us slept on the 9 hour flight. Got 2 large bags from baggage claim, rented a cart dragged the luggage to the curb and mom pushed walker. Caught an Uber to car rental. Dragged luggage again while mom pushed walker. I think it was 27• outside. Rented car it’s a do it yourself world out there ladies. Dragged luggage to car and loaded it. Drove to Long Island through NY traffic (something’s you never forget- NY driving). Got mom settled in and drove 25 minutes to north side daughters house. Just crashed in my guest gramma room thankfully all kids were in school. God willing tomorrow I drive to local airport turn in car and head home. Traveling is wonderful when you get there and some of it is drudgery.
My grandsons are all doing great and of course gramma has T-shirt’s with dinosaurs and sharks. The youngest grandson is 5 and wore underwear and a Batman cape to dinner.
Can’t wait to get safely home tomorrow. I don’t know where the grit comes from to get over these mountains in life but I believe they build muscle memory for things to come.
MJH I know the family expectation drill. It’s what you always do feed everyone with good food make them feel special and fall on a chemo needle. I think you make it too easy. I do it too. It’s insanity and motherhood. I’m praying for good results from the doxil but I also want you to have minimal SE’s.
Hugs to all Mae, Big B, Parry, scwilly, Runor, Daniel and Leslie, Grannax, Gracie, Lynnwood 1960, 50s girl Lynne, Micmel, Bella, marianelizabeth, gumdoctor, Japan. Anyone I forgot
Tanya
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Autocorrect
Japan=jkl
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Tanya, My goodness, your travels are full of challenges and adventures. You will need a few days of rest once you arrive home. Your trip home sounds absolutely exhausting to me. We all need a pair of Dorothy’s ruby red slippers so we can just click those heels and return home at will. I hope you enjoyed every moment you spent in Hawaii. I am sure your mother valued all that time you spent together.
Mary Jane, You need a break. How do you keep up that pace? I tend to have the opposite issue at times. My dh tries to do everything for me. Although I do appreciate his effort and help, I have to remind him that I do not enjoy feeling useless or helpless. I am glad that you started Doxil already. I am joining Tanya in prayer for a good response with no bad SEs for you. It is a good thing that the nurses were attentive while you started treatment. I think that nurses are priceless. They are right on the front lines, yet the doctors tend to get all the attention and accolades (not to mention money). That is not to say that I don’t appreciate doctors, too, of course. I wasn’t sure I would like having a port, but now that I have one, it does make things easier.
Mae, I look forward to seeing pictures of your paw print tattoos.
Micmel, Sre younhaving good weather there today. It is sunny and near 40 degrees here today. The sun always increases my energy levels. Of course, there is a bit of bad weather arriving tonight.
My grandson is coming here in a few minutes and will be spending the night with us. I am looking forward to spending time with him.
I am hoping to go skiing next week. Even if I just take a couple runs down the bunny trail, I will be happy. The conditions are really good, but I haven’t skied all season. For the past two weeks, i have had the miserable cold that everyone else in the world has. I think it is finally starting to get a bit better. I had a coughing fit during chemo last Monday. I was glad I was wearing a mask. None of the other patients seemed the least bit concerned. Of course, the nurses made sure I was okay.
Enjoy your weekend.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Mary Jane I’m frustrated for you. On some level I think I understand what you are going through a bit with my DH. Been trying to get him to do things on his own in preparation. The dogs nails & flea meds, what can’t go in the dishwasher, ect. When I find that magic wand Micmel mentioned I’ll pass it to you!
Tanya that sounds like an exhausting ordeal. You need a vacation from your vacation maybe, haha. I hope you get some time to just rest and reminisce about Hawaii
50’s skiing sounds so fun! I hope you get to go. Boo for colds! Go away~ Snow is so pretty I miss it being here in San Diego. Probably only have the energy to make a snow angel though I could root for all the skiers and snowboarders sipping some hot tea. Where do you go skiing? I grew up by Tahoe in Nevada so there were a few different places to go.
Nothing too new here. I’ve had to sit in the shower to wash up because I start to get tunnel vision standing and scrubbing my hair. I think my bloodwork is just low. I was able to walk around Hobby Lobby to pick out a shadow box so we can put our wedding stuff in it! I’m excited and nervous. This is something I’ve never done, but I do have a hot glue gun and double sided tape. Hopefully it turns out ok. I’ve decided to sell my wedding dress. I’ll remove and keep some of the lace and the veil. My hubby is not happy about this. He is very sentimental and would like to keep it. I’m still unsure, but I think he is trying to hold onto everything. If I used a pen to write with he would keep it. I do get keeping special things, but the dress is just going to sit sealed somewhere we never see or use it. By the time our daughter (we have embryos he wants to use no matter what and 6 are girls only 2 are boys) gets married she probably wants her own dream dress and bc I will mostly have passed I don’t want the pressure to wear it just bc of that. I’ll save some lace she can use and have with her so she has something if she wants it. Maybe I’m being silly about the whole thing...
Donna hope your doing ok
Hi to everyone and hope y’all are doing well and to those who aren’t hang in there. Big gentle hugs to anyone who wants one 😊
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Parry, about the wedding dress...I kept mine for 26 years. As beautiful as it was, my daughters were not interested in using it. It was the seamstress working on my daughter’s wedding dress who shared with me to cut it up and save the fabric. The wedding dress fabric can be used for special occasions such as christening outfits, baby quilts, or your future children may want to incorporate the fabric in their own weddings. I think it’s a great way to share the most blessed day of your life.
Blessings,
Barbara
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Hello Ladies~. I am the one who's catching up now... lol
Mae~ you called me out! Lol I'm glad you're just chilling and hanging out. I spent the afternoon napping. Four days in a row visiting my father wore me out. Included with that was 7 loads of laundry.. for various people with folding. Several errands... fatigue is real as we all know ladies.
Bella~And Parry~as most of you know, my DD just got married in 2018... my daughter by mistake ended up wearing my wedding dress. She tried it on as a joke and ended up loving it. She had it altered to fit her likes and removed the 90's..puffy sleeves. It was magnificent and it was her choice completely. I was so proud and peoples reactions were priceless. I never once decided anything for her. It was her choice and it was so very special. The happiness she may feel from that is irreplaceable at least give her a chance to make that choice. Of course it's your and your DHs choice. It was an incredible gesture either way...
Tanya~ exhaustion is not even the word, I could ever come up with. You are quite amaizing and you really are something special. The strength you have is unbelievable! You put healthy people to shame and I'm not kidding.. I know young healthy 38 year olds that refuse to work and want everything handed to them. It's happening in my family now. It's mind boggling. You my lady are something special. I am proud to know you. Welcome home sounds relaxing and good for you. Like Parry said you'll need a vacation from your vacation!!
MJH~Thank god the nurses are extremely attentive. That is some scary shit. It happened to me my first abraxane.....you are another amazing person. I am going through. The same thing with my DS. They are like little training sessions.... do this... this way.. not that way. I guess these are reasons that god had women give birth. It's because we are the teachers of love from their first breath... also we have to sometimes wear several several hats.. I sit in awe of all of you strong ass fighters. I sometimes think about how we haven't gone looney with all we deal with. I love you right back !
50's~it was pretty nice today. But tonight like you said another straggler storm or a nuisance storm is going to be coming in tonight. But we are on the line for sleet and snow. I think about you everyday and hope your husband is also feeling great!
Hello to Rosie...Minnie....Donna..Blueshine...Bigbhome.....Muddling.....Nanette...Sheila Marie....still thinking of Gracie MissBianca...Footy...Grannax..masonsma....Elleonwheels.Runor..? Ok where you been? JKL......JFL...Hello Gumdoctor....Candy. Hello darling. Daniel and Leslie...sandibeaches...a beautifulsunset... Anyone else I forget. I'll be back .. Jackaboo...Booboo... I'll miss you and the chance to have lunch.. but can't say I blame you for the chance to leave behind this cold crap weather! I hope our lynne(Man) feels our love . Hugs to anyone who should need one !
Much love to all
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Hi all! Got my scan results three other day. Instead of answering my questions it brought up more. I think they either have me the wrong test results or an imbecile read the scans. I know that sounds mean, but WTH! First off, no bone mets found. Really ! Multiple mets don't just vanish! Enlarged heart, which I don't dispute but then he says "with cardiac defibrillator in place". Really! Amazing how I don't remember that ever happened to me! Then lots of bad news about lungs, pleural effusion, pulmonary infiltrates that hopefully are from stupid sinus infection, but he thinks are signs of pneumonitis. Good thing I'm taking Levoquon for sinuses. Scattered gastrointestinal uptake. Hypermetabolic nodal mass in the precarinal space extending towards the right paratracheal space 1.9cm x 1.5cm. What???? So I have no clue what to think. We are doing a face Ct on Tuesday because my face is getting more painful. We are going to rule out cancer, then I will see an oral surgeon to see if osteonecrosis is getting worse. I earned a spot in front of the Md Anderson tumor board. MO is as confused as I am. Kind of scary. We are staying the course for now. We will see what the tumor board thinks.
MJ, I was so sad to hear about your progression. I'm glad Doxil is not too hard so far. If anyone can whip them in shape, its you. You are amazing!
Bella, we have been riding quite a bit. It keeps me sane! Today, I rode for the first time on chemo, it was tough but great at the same time! I needed it! We needed it!!
One thing that Lynne 50's said on here previously that I would like to repeat is if you get the chance to meet , jump on it! It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself!
Tanya, Wow!! I hope that you get some good rest at home.
Hugs and prayers,
Claudia
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Bigbhome~ That is some crazy shit! I would love nothing more than for your bone mets to vanish. Everything vanish!! I just hate that something already so frustrating for us makes us so confused. I just don't understand, they should already have a summary for you.
Spelling out every single item and change or no change. I am hoping that being in front of the tumor board will bring some needed attention to you and you get the best care possible! We miss you around and I'm very glad that you're riding..... I would love too. The summer before diagnosis I went with my DH... I loved it. It was painful. And I didn't know why. I soon learned. I had a beautiful tan palamino named dusty. Best horse ever. I’ll never forget it. I hope you ride for decades!! Hugs to you sweet woman. How is DH doing lately ?
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Sounds like they got the wrong person on the scan...I think you would not only remeber the defibrillator, but there would be a medical record of it somewhere. Maybe even a bill for the surgery. Definitely WTH!?
Thanks ladies for the insight on the dress. I have heard so many stories of women saving the dress and the daughter not using it. At least they had the choice. That struck a cord. I also have the Indian wedding dress and the reception dress. We are keeping the Indian ones. We don’t know what type of wedding our kid (s) will have. I think I may have been swayed. Time to look up preservation vs cleaning and resale. Even if it’s not used they can use the fabric for more. Very cool idea Bella thanks for sharing. You too Micmel point we’ll made :
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here is the dress Parry and my DD in it. Still makes my heart jump.
It was one of the most special moments of my life, seeing her in that dress, the beauty she radiated. It fit like a glove. I would love to go back and relive it all again! 0 -
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This is our team from yesterday~~Dick, me, my daughter Mary and her partner David plus Franny the pug.
I just got a message from minnie and she is close by. We hope to meet this week. I had my MRI and CT scan last week and both show no progression other then something in the right lung that the experts think is probably radiation damage from earlier. So very good news. Also the organization that provides free classes, counseling and more had their main fundraiser yesterday. I had been sick for a couple of weeks but pulled it together on Wednesday and formed a team called "Breast Cancer Eh?" the same name as my blog. Our little team raised over $1400 in four days! Not only that but we completed the 5K run along with about 150 others. The organization is called Inspire Health and I do feel inspired. It is a sunny day here and I am sure minnie will be enjoying it with her daughter and family.
Marian
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