My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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hi micmel....im so sorry to hear about your dad, i know how hard it is....i lost my mom when she was only48to BC and my dad passed at 63 after living with the results of a massive stroke at age 60. I took care of both. My dad was gonna marry this lady he had been seeing for 14years, he took her all over the world and after the stroke she stayed around for maybe 6 months then wrote him a dear john letter telling him she needed to get on with her life....imagine a big strong man at 60 being reduced to a toddler, having to relearn everything and it wasnt happening fast enough for her!....i understand that i dont know the details of your relationship with that woman but it sounds to me like she tried to put distance between you and your dad (to keep him all to herself) untill the point came when she needed your help...and you were there...dont know how she treated her own family (where are they)it sounds like she is crazy lonely and is likely to suck you dry and take advantage of your kind heart...who knows, she may even just wanna keep you close in case she needs a caregiver(the hardest job in the world) By what you have said of her past behavior, you can see some motivation in her currant behavior...to me she sounds like a selfish human and one that you really need to keep your guard up when you are with her, so whats the point? Be polite and kinda always be a bit to busy to get together....you are vulnerable now so just keep things vague till youare strong enough to see things clearly....when both my parents were gone i felt like i lost my anchor to the world...like i was cut loose from my mooring and set adrift .... feeling like i would never be able to go home again....my saddness has never gone away, i still miss them so much,(they were incredible) but thats ok..it doesnt keep me from getting out of bed...and i dont agree that it gets better withtime, with me it just doesnt happen as often but the heartbreak is still bad...LOVE lost will always hurt because you lost that love but it is only till we meet again in heaven...i get alot of signs that they are watching from above (long story)..and that makes me happy and sad at the same time...
darling friend....I love you
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Hi M, I'm so very sorry that your dad has passed and so very happy for you that you followed your heart and spent such good time with him in those final months. You are an angel on earth. As for the step mom, I think you'll know what to do, if not now then in the weeks that will follow. You're certainly entitled to let her know you need some time to mend your own heart. The texting is the sign of a very unhealthy person. I understand she is grieving too, but we can't give to others until we have healed some ourselves. Take good care of yourself.
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OMG, it’s Nan! (Eagerly waving hi 👋)
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Jen~Thank you very much for reaching out to me. It is really an upsetting thing and I have zilch of any experience processing this type of loss. I haven't even driven really anywhere, I just didn't feel it was safe. My mind has been in a fog and I realize that finally the adrenaline is worn off and the past three and a half months are crashing into my body. But I loved every Second of it. Every single second. Wouldn't trade it for the world. Sending you sweet hugs for you and thank you for thekind words. Thank you for caring. One day at a time just like everything else.
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Nan~ I am going to say it again. OMG Nan. My heart is so full and happy to see your beautiful self here. Thank you for what you wrote to me. I truly do feel as if my world has changed. One of my parents Is gone and my life will never be the same. Just like when I was diagnosed. Never the same. I will hold on to every single moment I had with him. Even as a small child. He was so important to me and even time did nothing to change that special feeling. When he needed me I was there. Not just words. Actions. I believe. It was a beautiful gift I was given. So thank you so very much for coming to touch base. What a special thing that was to me, just as I was feeling down. I felt like Mae.... waving vigorously! With a huge grin. It’s been a while my sister. I love you too. Miss you around. Beautiful. Think of you often. Hugs to you and yours. Now my DD is married ! How about that one ? Lol. Welcome back!
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Minnie, I too am saddened that your surgery is off for now. Assuming that rads are palliative so it will be an unknown whether this will help get you back to surgery. Pain may well improve though. Please keep us posted. So glad we had our face to face with your lovely daughter and granddaughter. Are they thinking to come to you in next year? Can't recall whether there was discussion on that.
Micmel I too had a wicked stepmother and I am thankful I never had to live with her and my dad but my 3 younger siblings did and they all suffered and truth be told still do in many ways.
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Marianne~I am realizing that ever since my diagnosis, basically everything. Sucks. I do fear progression of course, but I see death differently now. Now I hope he Is waiting. Now I hope the time I missed with him all those years will be ours. I am trying to figure how to grieve. I e never really done it except for my own health death. But this is a parent. My handsome, strong, larger than life figure that I had always seen as the man who would always Be that brilliant man to me. Now he's really gone and Ive seen not only the body, but something about seeing it in writing. Breaks my soul. Makes it final somehow. My mother was nice enough to send me everything she had of his pictures. One them hes breath taking in a portrait, his eyes sky crystal blue suck you right in. I cant wait to frame it. I'm putting in my room. Maybe even above my bed. I need him close to me.
I hope everyone is doing well. I love you ladies. Thanks for the support. Now I'm diving into scanning and blood work. Fearing progression of course. But this time, I have rib pain and side pain, shoulder pain. Both sides. My DH and family say it's because of months of lifting my father. (107) pounds at death and my body was annoyed with me. I pray they are right or hope they are right. I struggle with faith so much. It's bizarre. Hugs to all! ~M~
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Hi Marianelizabeth, I feel that the radiotherapy would only benefit pain, but I feel I can manage my pain very well, so may not accept it. Last radiotherapy caused me severe diarrhoea for weeks, and I really don't want that. I can only say if I get no worse, I can cope. My daughter and family may be with us possibly Christmas or Spring. We may visit BC again next Autumn. I'm so glad we got the opportunity to meet, and I wish you continued health.x
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waving to Minnie. Wishing you a painfree day. My ribs are also worrying me. So I am with you. On the frustration. Just hoping it’s a strain. I was lifting my dad a week ago 😞💔 one week today. My DH and SIL are out golfing in his honor today. Please have a good day ladies !
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My closest memories of my precious father , I love you Dad and I will forever, now more than ever, I hope there is a heaven up there. So we can be together again. I miss you already and this week has been so hard for my mental emotional and physical state. I’m trying to be strong. Taking care of you was part of my therapy for both losing you and my own illness. I felt needed again. I felt alive. I realize now the Way I feel, I couldn’t have gone on that way for too much longer. He may have sensed that. My heart and soul wants him back. But the patient in me understands without a doubt. Today at 1028. He passed one week ago today. I love you my Dad. I was 4.5 in that pic. Nothing meant more to me than that lap I was sitting on. It was a safe place. Loss is so hard. I understand now why people give up after such a loss. It’s a heavy load to carry along with this illness. 🥺😦!
Hugs to you all. Much love. Hug your family today and everyday. They mean so much.
Even the struggles, when it comes down to it, sometimes can be mended when it’s clear.
In honor of my father I’m posting this at 1028 am which is his exact passing Time. I love you Dad!0 -
ladies Tomorrow is the last GOT. I can’t believe it. It’s amazing how time flys when you’re enjoying something. I hope that it’s everything we. Hoped for ! I’m sure a lot of people are having GOT viewing parties which will
Be fun. I’m looking forward to the distraction honestly. Enjoy enjoy. So exciting !
Yay HBO!
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Micmel, lovely picture with your father. Although this time is so difficult, I am glad you had the opportunity to spend a lot of quality time with your father before he passed. I see some of your face features in him. So touching you posted this at 1028 in honor of him. Must be a very tough time right now.
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Micmel, The photo of you with your dad shows the love you both had for each other. Both of you so happy right where you are in that moment. I hope you look at it often.
I believe your step mother is realizing she’s alone now (does she have kids of her own?) and regretting she messed up any relationship she might have had with you. She saw how devoted you were to your father and wonders (or already knows) if there will be any one like that for her when her decline comes. I also believe she has seen what a good person you are. You have to do whatever feels right, but my thought is like someone previously (sorry I can’t remember who said it) who said to take your time deciding what to do. I would be keeping some distance if it were me.
My first scans are coming up Thursday and man is my mind all over the place. I may not know anything until the following Tues with my appt. but hoping these drugs are doing something. My pockets are very roomy for anyone who is available to hop in.
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JFL~ we had a special bond no matter where we came together or even how long it even was. I am thankful everything came together in the end. I'm beyond thankful for that time. Thank you for your support and words. I've read them three times already. Hugs to you beautiful friend.
Rosie~ thank you for saying that about how you can see the love. I honestly didn't think he was going to go so quickly. I thought we'd be out there all summer chatting up a storm together. I guess he had enough of laying in that bed. Can't say I blame him. I will be in that pocket for sure. Blood work Friday. Scan tues or Wednesday following week. So I am with you so much on being all over the place. Except this time i am carrying a heavy load of grief with me. I'm already scared about it enough. It's like torturing us. For sure. I hope your scans turn out great! You deserve it.
No no other children. For her. My father couldnt have anymore. She has a big family and she is second oldest. Lots of siblings. Let them take care of her. I'm sure I'll be gone way before then anyway. Ironic part is this woman is a walking miracle. She survived and was cured of leukemia in the late 80's. Which just doesn't happen. Ugh! Explain that one?? And now I have cancer. I want to be cured !
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micmel and rosie, I’ll be bouncing around pocket to pocket with skittles and dark chocolate!
Igetting up now and must have coffee and start the crockpot pot roast for GoT finale night.
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Good morning ladies
I’ll be pocket hopping for the upcoming scans Rosie and Micmel. Anyone else?
Minnie I’m glad you found a way to manage pain. Radiation is sneaky here. At least for me at first I didn’t feel anything and then boom in bed nauseous etc. it did work for the pain. I can only safely use it one more time so I’ll hold on to that last resort type of thing.
Micmel glad you’re finding old memories. I don’t know what will work for you with your dads wife. You have a beautiful heart so I know you’ll follow it and make the right decision for your self.
I’m glad you ladies have GOT tonight. I don’t watch it but it’s quite a phenomena.
My Cuban neighbor is coming over tonight with her husband and son to cook a Meal for us. My daughter, grandkids and a few friends will join. I emphasized Cuban bc she will cook their cuisine. My husband does not like Mexican food, I do, we’ll see if he starves. I may make something for the grandkids too. They like American food.
Have a wonderful Sunday all.
Tanya
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Cuban food is AMAZING! Nothing like Mexican!.... yes, beans and rice, but not the same seasonings. Plantains, YUM!!!
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Everyone who needs a pocket buddy, I am there.
I am feeling a bit left out with this GoT talk. I have never seen a single episode in my life. None of the pitiful channels our tv picks up carry it neither does Netflix, at least not our Netflix package. Daughter dropped over last night to say she and roomie have just started watching GoT and that it's got murder - with Jason Mommoa, sex - with Jason Mommoa and incest - with Jason Mommoa. Apparently this makes it worth watching. I don't mind looking at Jason Mommoa !
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My dear Micmel,
It’s taken me several weeks to catch up on this blog, and I am SO sorry to hear of your Father’s passing. I am sending you love and support, as all of your friends have done here. You are a very special person who we all love and respect. I will never forget how you reached out to me after one of the worst incidents in my life. You are always there for so many, and now it’s our turn to support you. Please know that I am praying and asking God to give you the peace that passes all understanding as you remember you’re Dad and what he meant to you. He is still with you and always will be. I still talk to both of my parents who have passed on, and it makes me smile sometimes to think I can still reach them.
Much love to you, girl.
Booboo (aka Laurie)
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So we ended up in Clearwater, FL. It is beautiful here. Starting to get very warm though, so I will stay indoors over the next couple of months. Can’t take the heat!
I found a good oncologist at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, and was surprised at how differently she does things. I asked if she knew a good OBGYN, as I am due for my annual mammogram, and she looked at me kind of funny and said I did not need to get mammograms anymore. What? My onc in PA insisted that I get them every year.
She is also into clinical trials, and said we could talk about what’s available at my next appt. She also ordered genetic testing...I’m waiting for the results. She said my siblings have a 50/50 chance of developing the same gene mutations that I have. Wow.
Anyway, we’re settling in, and enjoying all there is to do in the area. And there is a LOT to do
I am another one who never watched GOT, but I think I’m going to start at the beginning at watch it. Too many have said what a great show it is. I felt that way about Downton Abby. Loved that show.
Anyway, glad to be back with my sisters. May the road rise up to meet you all!
Hugs,
Laurie
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By the way, Runor...I’m with you on the Jason Mamoa thing....oh man, that guy makes my heart beat faster....too hot!!!
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No spoilers from me...Just watched the final Game of Thrones episode...
I have no words right now...
Gumdoctor
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It’s over. I’m torn. No words either. Nada. None.
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Well, I’m happy with some storylines, not so much for Jon Snows but oh well. It was worth it but HBO has a tough job for the Sunday night slot.
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Still processing that it won’t be on again. Looks like they are preparing the making of! I didn’t hate it. And I don’t want to put out spoilers.
Mae you’ll be proud. I had a viewing party!!! I know right, my two friends and her 18 yr old daughter came from high school. My sweet DH made fresh cherry pie and eggplant Parmesan! And spinach salad with raspberry vinegar dressing and droplets of crumbled cheese! Amazing! It was a wonderful night. But sad it’s over. Watching it again for anything we may have missed. Much love ~M~
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Hello lovely BooBoo! So wonderful to see you. So good to have you back, thank you for the kind words. I’ve missed you... hugs and love ~M~
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I would really think this is a pretty cool Mother’s Day gift or Birthday gift !!!! So cool !0 -
micmel, I am proud and happy you enjoyed it. Maintaining my Sunday dinner and watch parties with friends throughout treatment has been critical in staying hopeful and feeling normal.
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I am really starting to understand exactly what you mean. I'm spending more time with friends and trying not to be so closed. I realized that I had been hiding because I am embarrassed that out of everyone (the obvious 1out of 8) I'm embarrassed to admit my lifespan is toast. I'm afraid that the added pain I've been feeling is just overtired from a long three and half months. Achey and. painful. Isn’t just that!
I'm also almost done dexter. So I'm in the middle of a lot of things. The other thing I'm watching is the Act. And a handmaids tale. Good shows. I wish my DH was here every night like that in Sunday but what can possibly take its place. I am also done VEEP! Funny !
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Mae,
I think you are right. I have been so busy over the past few months...sold our house, moved to FL, and have been exploring a whole new place. I can honestly say I haven’t had much time to think about my cancer. It’s still there, but in the background instead of front and center. I have also found that doing something to help someone keeps my focus off of me. It’s been hectic at times, but I am in such a better place mentally.
Mel, I think you need to come to FL for a visit! The warm weather and sunshine every day are good for the soul
Big hugs,
Laurie
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