My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Poor Bahamas and Florida friends, this cat 5 looks like a beast.
My pre-packing is complete with room to spare. I realize I’m looking at my shirts that I’m packing for the 100 degree temps I have in Texas, not the 70’s I’m likely to have in Chicago, hope I don’t get too chilly.
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Mara,
I am SO impressed when I read about how you exercise. Can I get a little of whatever youare taking? I tend to be a lot like Mel with major fatigue, especially during chemo week. It's hard to get the normal house things done, let alone exercise. My DH says that I wouldn't feel so tired all of the time if I did exercise. To be honest, I never liked to, even when I didn't have MBC
Any words of advice for this couch potato?
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I have the fatigue so a lot of it is just persistence. If I don't do it, I feel more depressive and could stay in bed. I also don't say I must walk 30 minutes. I literally walk the length of the apartment 10 times when heading to the kitchen, I may hop on the treadmill for one song. I get bored but when walking, I have to watch for my cats so that is not boring. I does help with energy and mood. So in answer, imagine yourself as a car and every second of movement whether seated or standing is filling up your energy tank. Mornings are also the best time for energy as well. All of it counts and does not have to be a half hour at a time.
When I walk to the grocery store, I get more tired so I just stop at the corner and stand for a few seconds and then keep going. I refuse to rely on others to get me around when I am still doing well medically. I also have to take responisibility for my mood as well. I know the things that help and just keep doing them.
In short, stubborness is the biggest help and also, normally a person will feel better after.
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So, just had a nice visit with my older brother and SIL. Turns out the social worker misinterpreted my SIL's intentions on contacting her. She was worried about my depression and possibly not being able to look after myself. She was NOT concerned about my spending. That darn social worker caused me to feel quite hurt and upset thinking my family thought I was stupid. Turns out they don't. I let them know I am feeling good and they are satisfied. I did ask that if they are concerned, just let me know and I will ask for help if needed. I am glad for the visit that removed the concerns that I was feeling. I am also glad I did not jump the gun and call my SIL and brother when I was feeling hurt. That would have been unnecessary over a misunderstanding caused by the wording of the social worker. Feeling better with my relationships now.
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Mara~I am happy that you took the time to talk it out. Things always have two sides! I’m happy you’re so focused and realizes what power she truly has!! You go girl !0 -
Mara,
Wow. Really? I guess this is a good example of the professionals (and I say that with air quotes) getting it totally wrong. Or it could simply be a case of misunderstanding. This is why I like to tune into this blog. I always learn something from every single post. I am so glad to hear that your sibling (brother) and SIL were looking out for you and not judging you. This is such a good lesson for me. I do not give my own siblings the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for posting and showing me that maybe, just maybe, I might actually be getting concern and love, and I'm not being judged.
Thanks, too, for what you wrote about exercising. I'm going to try to walk in the mornings....I also got what you said....I don't have to run a marathon....just do what I can. My sincere thanks. I'll let you know how it works out.
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Thanks Booboo Simone Grannax candy’s nd Mel.
From the latest weather reports it looks like Dorian is in the Bahamas now and will go straight up the eastern seaboard. We may get tropical storm and some major choppiness in the gulf.
Mae your outfits are nice bring a jacket or sweater you’ll need it at night. My moms in NY she said they’ve had some 50’s in the evening already.
Mel I’m happy you’re getting some inspiration. Darn sciatica though. I started swimming regularly and an old shoulder injury let me know to back down.
Take care all
Tanya
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Mae~ not surprised at all at your talent again showing through. I hope you aren't chilly. Have a total blast please. For me! Be safe in your travels.
Still thinking of you ladies in Florida....safely tucked in away from that storm. Hoping it just goes away. Seriously. Freaking challenges every single day for so many.
BooBoo~Yes major fatigue blows the big horn!!!!
My doctor added in respiridone in with my 75 mg of Effexor. I'm really happy about that. I honestly hope it works miracles. I had a great 3 days, and now crash time. Feel like shit! Tired, achey, headache... I see oncologist on Thursday. To discuss blood work. Just check up. So he thinks anyway. I'm going to rip into him for a lower dose!!! I'm sure my ass is going to be kicked for not starting month 36 when. I should have it damn. I needed a break. I can feel the difference already. The treatments are the sedative for sure.......my goodness are they ever. 2 hour naps now. Instead of 5. I'm sick of sleeping.
I'm about to chow down on a big ole juicy fat New York strip steak! So screw You cancer. And yeah it's going to be grilled. so up yours, you cellular asshole! Rot in hell cellular bitches!!!! Okay phew. Got that out ! Hate hate cancer!
Love you ladies though
Waving to philly. Where ya been.. hope you're ok!
Minnie~🌹🌹 Muddling? You doing ok sweetheart?
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Booboo, yes mornings are good and studies have shown that shorter bursts of exercise have the same overal benefit as one long session. I will sometimes do a two minute fast walk on the spot. It's all about reaching 30 mins at the end of the day. I also look for opportunities to just walk around. Today i tagged along with brother and SIL to the grocery store. Did not need anything much, just wanted some more walking around. They didn't mind. I think they liked to see I like to go out.
Don't worry about going fast if it is difficult, go your own speed. Do the same thing I do, if heading to the kitchen, do ten laps before you get there. Not nearly so strenuous and good number of steps added over a day. Every bit will make you feel better.
As said, I can do half an hour on the treadmill but it is boring. I like all the methods of walking. Walking from one end of my home to the other is like an obstacle course with two cats who follow me around wondering if I am going to feed them too. Gotta make sure I don't trip. I even enjoy chair workouts. I used to do Senior Gold chair workout with Paul Eugene on youtube with my mother. He still brings a smile to my face.
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Mara~Honey~you bring a smile to my face. ♥️
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Mel, you make me smile a lot too. So glad I found you and the family here. This thread makes me feel connected as well.
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Mara~ I am glad you found your second home. We love you! I’m glad you know you have found your place. We certainly are a family.
Runor~ you and your shotty internet !
Hugs to you lovelies!
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Just popping in to ask for prayer regarding Dorian. We are in Jacksonville...we are between getting wind and rain to having it jog to the left and getting hit hard It’s the storm surge and flooding that is so treacherous.
Someone posted on FB that waiting on Dorian is like being stalked by a turtle. It’s so true. I described to my sister that it’s like the worst emotional roller coaster ride.
For those of you not in harms way, have a healthy and relaxing holiday tomorrow!
Bella
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Prayers and thoughts being sent out to all being affected by Dorian.
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Happy Labor Day to those of us in the U.S.
A few thoughts this morning:
I hope those of you affected by Hurricane Dorian are spared from the worst of it.
Family issues: they can be tough enough without a social worker throwing a wrench into the mix! Gosh, Mara, I’m glad you were able to sort out the harmful spin the social worker put on your situation.
One of my sisters thinks the exact opposite of me on soooo many matters. Even simple things like TV shows, she will hate the characters I love. She views the area economy a different way. While I see the actions of others in one light, she applies a different set of motives to their actions. It is ridiculous. She seems to challenge me on every thought I have. Another sister who gets along with both of us fails to see this conflict! Or maybe the other sister likes it for the entertainment value. I am cautious about the amount of time I spend with them.
On a sobering note: About 25 guys out of the electric shop where dh worked took the early retirement package. Shortly before their last day of work on April 30 of this year, one of the men was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away this weekend. Four brief months of retirement. He was the same age as dh, married 42 years, owned a construction business in addition to working full time at the power plant. Traveled, supported local schools. It’s heartbreaking.
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Divine,
My heart goes out to you about the man who passed away after only 4 months of retirement. I had a colleague who I worked with for over 10 years who retired. He saved, saved, saved....had so much money put aside and talked about all of the things he was going to do. He had colon cancer, radiation, etc. but thought it was all gone after treatment. Nope. Spread so fast. He passed away within 6 months of retiring. It sucks so bad.
I can also relate to your issues with sisters. I have 3...love them all...but have similar dynamics as you do with yours. I do exactly what you do....limit the amount of time I spend with them. I do not have the energy to fight or argue anymore. If we disagree, I just say we don’t agree and move on.
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Bella,
Prayers are heading your way. I am so hoping this beast turns North and goes out to sea. Please stay safe, and post when it’s over so we know you are okay. May God bless you through it
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Divine, thank you. The social worker did cause harm and hurt feelings. Thank goodness I didn't call SIL while hurt. By the time I saw her, I had already changed my feelings and decided that she was just really worried.
I am sorry about the fellow who died so soon after retirement. Those stories are heartbreaking.
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Morning all. Happy Labor Day. (for those in the U.S.)
Prayers for the ones in Florida and the East Coast- Bella and Tanya.
Sad about the recently retired folks that passed before enjoying their retirement. I hope I will not be in that category !!!! I posted on Disability Thread that I had phone interview last Friday from Social Security regarding my Disability application. I should hear the determination in the next 2 weeks. The representative from Soc Sec said I should have nothing to worry about.
Yeah where is Philly??? Hope she is just busy with life.
Well yesterday I went to the Church Homecoming Service of a church I used to attend. The service was good- good music, good preaching, and GREAT food. And lots of it. I visited with people I haven't seen since I guess last years' service. Of course, the "you look good" phrase was said a lot. And the "how is work" phrase. Then I had to say "I am no longer working". Some said " Good for you. Now you can focus on yourself" others just looked at me strangely when I said I am retired. One person said to me " I thought the cancer thing was better".
Then last night in bed I was thinking of the years that I attended that church. The VBS, the services, etc. I miss those days. I miss my life from back then. I don't want this cancer. I don't want how things have turned out.
I am glad I went to the service, just the melancholy that comes after. You understand.
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Candy, that melancholy. I have it at the end of the day when I think, wow, I didn't think about cancer at all today. Until now. Oh shit. Bummed out now.
I think that's one of the biggest hurdles that all cancer patients have, no matter their stage, is the mental shackles that lock around your emotions and your will to feel happy and hopeful without reserve. It changes from living joyfully to living sometimes desperately because you know the clock is ticking BONG! BONG! BONG! in the background. Heck, once you've had cancer it's not a clock anymore, it's some big guy with a baseball bat whacking a steel oil drum. There is a sense of urgency, mourning, loss and powerlessness that invaded my life the moment the surgeon said 'it's cancer'. Sometimes it recedes into the background. But only ever briefly. That, I think, is the shared curse of a cancer diagnosis. I think it takes a heroic dose of defiant chin jutting to keep on keeping on and until I was in the Cancer Club, I could never have understood it.
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I do understand the melancholy feeling. For me, it is both cancer and grief. When it does happen, it appears as a lump in my throat not resulting in crying and it can go just as quick. I don't feel it very often for my cancer since I am lucky enough to be stable, it was there more often early on for me. The melancholy for my mother is also fewer and farther between thankfully. I will try not to observe sept 17th as 8 months since she passed and just have a normal day. I tell her I love her first thing in the morning and just before sleep and that comforts me. Hopefully the cancer stuff stays away for a little while for me.
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Boy do I agree with the cancer drum. Drumming in my head. We all know it can spread on a dime. Just like Divine mentioned with that poor man . Like wtf is that?? My BFF father who I adored so so much was jogging along about a year or two at most retired. Had a massive heart attack and died on the running trail. No ID on him. It was awful. No one knew where he was for a few days. She went through hell only to find out her 67 year old father had died! It was terrible. He was healthy. A runner. Yeah he drank and got high. And was from a hippy generation. But. He was turning back the clock. Just as I was when I was diagnosed with cancer. Lost close to 75 lbs (was 90 lbs) but put some back on worrying about why I felt so sick. Just when we start to have the time to put into ourselves after some being parents. Working their asses off their entire lives. Only to have the rug pulled out from under your entire lifetime of existence boom changes forever, never to come back. Those memories are the dreams of today for us. We cry for them. Yearn for them. Desperately cling to the memory of the strength we once felt as a woman and human. All gone with those words. The drum then begins and we sadly switch lines, marching the cancer world looking over at the line we used to be in called care free living. Then we see those memories as life lines that can instantly bring you to your knees with anguish of loss. After loss after loss. We wake up. Rip off the scab. Clean up the blood. Re-band aid and limp on. Because in the cancer line you have to be on your toes. Cancer is sneaky. It steals things! Like the mean girl movie says. “It’s a life ruiner”
Stay strong Bella and Tanya.~. Thoughts completely your way. ♥️
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Thank you ladies for understanding the sister dilemma. One last thing I want to add about my contrary sister. She is often jealous of me and competitive with me. She's 5 years older than me. I was diagnosed with mbc in my early 50s so have been dealing with it 8+ years. She is now past retirement age collecting full social security benefits. This means she's lived almost 15 years longer than me without having a devastating, life-changing disease cut her down in mid-age like happened to me. She got to sail through her 50s and the first half of her 60s with an entire different outlook on life than I did. I want to say to her, “And you are JEALOUS of me? How can you not recognize the great gift of good health you've had and cast all jealousy and competitiveness towards your younger sister aside and show her some compassion?"
But she does not have it in her. That's what I accept.
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Hey Mel,
How about me? I live near Tanya! (Just teasing ya
).Divine, again, same dynamics with one of my sisters. I think she resents me for the “attention” I get from my other sibs because of my cancer. Don’t you just want to say “Hey, I’ll trade you places!” But now that I moved to FL I don’t see or hear from her much. Maybe that’s better? I still love her, but I could never be good enough in her eyes. I was always a disappointment to her.
Oh well...I am trying hard to stop my “people-pleaser” ways. I still struggle with it, even though I’m the one with cancer. I really want to be as authentic as I can possibly be these days. It’s time to stop the happy-face dance and let go. When I’m feeling crappy, I am going to say it. It is still very hard for me to be completely honest with people. I wish I knew why. Maybe because I’m the middle child (out of 5)? Who knows. I just know that I’m feeling pretty well these days and am so darn happy to be able to share with my friends here. Thanks to all of you for being there in one way or another! Love to all
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BooBoo~Honey~i gotta be honest, I still consider you a Philly area person. I guess it will always be instilled in me. Of course I would never want anything to happen!!! Thanks for reminding me though. Sometimes my Brain works slower these days! I was hoping it was pulling away from you! Hoping it makes a hard right turn !
Love you guys !!0 -
OMG! I hope you know I love you to the moon! I was honestly kidding. I do feel like we dodged a big one, but man am I concerned about those on the East coast. I’m going to be praying hard tonight
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of course I knew you were kidding my dear friend!
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Happy labor day everyone! I hope you're all enjoying the holiday.
We got back from vacation on Sat, a few days early. We were having a great time until my sister had a heart attack. She had a quadruple bypass surgery. She is doing better, but it will take some time for her to heal.
You just never know.
I hope everyone on the east coast is ok. Hugs to everyone.
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Oh Simone,
I am SO sorry about your sister. Please know that I will pray for a full recovery. God is so good. I am so sorry you had to cut your vacation short. That is a huge bummer, but speaks volumes of the kind of loving person you are! Takecare
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