My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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morning all! Treatment day for me. Blood work & quick check with trials nurse done yesterday and everything is good so I'm off for the last round of cycle 6.
It's my husband's birthday but nobody has plannes anything and I didn't get a gift - we don't do huge birthdays but we usually do something
maybe I'll figure something out when I get home from chemo
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Mae,
OMG. They are adorable. Love the pic of them all standing up looking out of the window. Priceless. And the other one looks like they are at the bar looking for a drink! SO cute! It breaks my heart that they are all gone. But they live on over the Rainbow Bridge. I strongly believe we will see our pets again.
Candy, your “son” is beautiful. I know I’m not supposed to call a male beautiful (I guess), but he sure is. Thanks for posting.
Hope you both have a good day.
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Here are my two. They're Mutt and Jeff. Actually the big guy is Thor and the little girl is Abbey.
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How do we post pictures from a phone?
Boo, your doggos are adorable!
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All doggies and cats shown are so cute.
Sondra, when you go to comment, you’ll see the B I and all that above where you post. Hit the little square that looks like it has a mountain inside. For me it’s third in on the right.
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Sondra, tap the landscape photo above and follow the prompts, here’s a how to pic.
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Hmm i don't get the choose library option, and you all almost got a photo of my thigh and the floor of this Tube train...
Op wait a second... I may have sorted it.
I did! That is our big farm boy Martin, in the very English backyard
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Mae did much better at that explanation than I did. Lol. Beautiful cat.
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I second that, beautiful kitty.
Sondra, I that your house/garden?
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Hello to everyone else and their puppers, so sweet looking. Love the cat as well. I posted pictures of my cats somewhere a while ago.
Laurie, glad you are feeling better, Candy, sorry about the coivd numbers going up. That is definitely disconcerting for sure.
I need some advice from people who are not involved with my family. The advice is about how I should deal with feelings of being left out of my older DB and SIL family. They did do a lot for me last year helping with selling, packing and finding this apartment which is quite inexpensive. For that reason and for my own independence, I do not ask them to help with much because of all they did. I also did not lean on them for support when the grieving process was in full force after Mom died last year. Went through social work with that and talking to the social worker at the cancer clinic too.
The issue I am having is I feel quite like an afterthought now. Have tried calling my SIL to chat but unless it is an emergency, she never has time. Gave up on that. We used to eat together once a week but I have not been to their home since Christmas 2019. Came to find out they had a vow renewal at their home last week and though I did not expect I would be invited, I was hurt not to even be told about it. I feel like we are less a family and that I am a chore. They are pretty good about seeing me around once a week or two, I know if I was having a medical emergency, they would be there but I am trying not to feel sad about not being included in their lives nor do they have any interest in what I do.
I guess, what I need is advice from people who know me well enough on here to know I am strong and capable and not an emotional weakling whose SIL brings up stuff that happened in the past when I was young,, getting angry at people attacking my Mom etc. SIL did not even want to hear much when I called to say I was stable. This is not to say I do not see them, but I no longer see the rest of the family. I also don't think they would be receptive to me asking about coming over once in a while.
What I am asking overall is, does anyone have suggestions on how to forget how we used to socialize and be satisfied with how things are now. I will never change SIL and how she thinks I am incapable, not going to try to prove anything but just to accept how things are and keep my own life events to myself.
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Sondra, beautiful cat.
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Mara-That sounds so hurtful, not to be invited or at least told about their vow renewal. I don't know that I have any great advice, but if I were you, I guess I would detach in love. Stop calling SIL but be pleasant when they contact you and just not expect too much for them except help in emergencies-and that is certainly worth something. We here know you to be an interesting, resilient woman. You have learned to enjoy your own company and seem to appreciate your own value. When Covid is over, maybe you can branch out and start trying different activities to make some new friends. You have a lot to offer as a friend and if SIL is not interested, her loss. The older I get-I'm 62 now-the less I care about who likes me or wants to be around me. Sometimes things hurt but I find it easier to "shake the dust off of my feet" and move on to people who do like being around me. Sending virtual hugs.
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Thank you Chicagoan. I will keep them in my life but just smile and nod as they talk. I do definitely enjoy my own company, and will just have to stop expecting people to change. I know they love me, just feel on the outside sometimes. I think I just need to value the outside more, not worry about what they are up to. Stop talking about myself and things I know they do not care about and just say everything is good and I am happy. Overall I am, I think the vow renewal picture just triggered some self pity on my part. Just have to shrug it off. They cannot know how strong I actually am to have survived last year and handling cancer 99 per cent of the time on my own. I know it, my phone friend knows it too. She is a wonderful woman who I started with as a medical check in service, but she asked if we could talk on the phone too. It has been a godsend to have you guys and her to talk to. It really helped eased the grief from losing my mom and having to separate from younger brother. Life has improved, I just get sad every once in a while. I am getting better at shrugging things off as well.
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Mara, you don't say how you found out. If it were me, I might say something like “I see you renewed your vows last week. I wanted to congratulate you." It doesn't accuse them of anything but let's them know you know.
Were there other people there? I have a feeling they might not have told you because if there were other people there, they may have been nervous to have you there because of COVID. If they didn't have anyone else, did they tell anyone?
The other thought is that they didn't tell you because you might have felt bad you couldn't be there.
I'm playing devil's advocate. I'm newer on this board and have read your posts, but I don't know you as well as some of these other ladies.
I am not trying to give your brother and sister-in-law the benefit of the doubt. You know your SIL and brother and I really don't.
I would be hurt as well had they at least not told me
Hugs to you.
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Thanks - I'll be sure to tell him. He brought home another gift for us last night, but we were awake enough to toss him out the back door before he let it loose. Quick check a few minutes later and he was really chowing down. That is a photo of our back yard, from the back door of the orangery (brick sided conservatory) - the blue house is the garden shed and there is a pond in there to the right. It was a labor of love for the owner and his partner, and I promised I would take care of it for him - water when its hot and get the gardener in once a month!
I will put up a picture of his sister tomorrow.
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No worries KBL. I don't have any ill will. We are in contact with each other. Not sure who was there outside of what I consider the immediate family. Some took the pictures so someone was there. Having thought some things, I realize, I should not feel hurt. It really does not matter what they do in their personal lives, just that they are happy. Same for me, I don't tell them the ways I feel happy but they would want me to be happy.
I just have to stop being oversensitive. I am glad to talk to you guys. Would not want to unload this stuff with them. Better to tell them everything is good which 99 percent of the time, it is good, even if it is quiet life. I just get down every once in a while. I think that is perfectly normal and sometimes better not to share with family who would just worry about me. I really just have to remind myself that they owe me nothing other than being there the odd time. Nothing more.
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Sondra,
Your backyard looks like a dreamy place. I love it. If you can post the backyard, I’d love to see it.
Mara,
I tend to be more like KBL. Talk about it. My siblings and I were taught to never “open up a can of worms” as Mother liked to say. Everything in our family was brushed under the rug. We never resolved anything when we were younger...we stuffed it. We didn’t learn to start being real with each other until Mom passed, and it has been quite a journey. My sisters and I are learning to talk openly and honestly with each other, even though it’s often much easier to do the avoidance thing. We’ve also found a much more satisfying way to resolve our issues, and it always means saying how we feel but being sure to not say anything hurtful.
I suspect that your health is why you weren’t invited, but SIL and DB need to know that those kinds of get-togethers should be yours to decline, if that is indeed what you would have done. Maybe you could ask your DB over and talk with him one on one.
Overall, I would have been hurt too, but nothing will change if you move on without trying to tell them your feelings. They are valid.
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Mara, I am sensitive also. I’m the baby of five, and my feelings get hurt easily, but I have definitely toughened up as I’ve gotten older. I had a brother that I tried to tolerate, but he and I had a falling out when my mother was dying, and I decided I did not need his toxicity in my life. I let him go and haven’t spoken to him in 11 years. I actually have no regrets. I had to do the healthy thing for me.
I think you will do what’s right for you. I hope after a few days the hurt settles and you feel better about it. I totally understand feeling down sometimes.
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Thanks fort the advice Laurie, we'll see about saying something. I may not be bothered down the road. I may say "oh, I see you had a vow renewal at your place" and let them tell me about it.
KBL, you and I have something in common as I have a younger brother who I fell out with, as did my older DB around when my own mother was dying. He was also quite toxic to myself and mother and I cut off contact soon after her death. Older DB also has no contact.
Older DB and SIL do still see me almost weekly and perhaps that is what I should be looking at, they are still involved and maybe I should just temper my own expectation and be happy with what I still have. They both would help me in a pinch and I guess that is how I should see things. I just need to stop triggering my own lack of self confidence. Glad I have you guys to talk to and talk it out and get different perspective. Usually other people have good advice that is worth considering and following.
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On another note, Mel, I have been putting the masks to use and they are great. I have a specific one I use when I make washing soda for the laundry, another for going to the grocery store. I plan to wear one of the other ones as well. That kindness was lovely and still most appreciated.
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people can suck!!
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My Deeohgee0 -
My old man! 0 -
Just checking in with everyone!
I love all of the pet pictures -- I'll try to post one if I can figure it out. I currently have one dog -- an 11 year old pedigree Giant Schnauzer named Gracie (who used to be a show dog). She is a gentle giant -- over 100 lbs. -- that we inherited when my brother passed away in 2015. (Gracie is the black dog on the bottom.) We brought her home when he died,
to join our other BIG girl -- a Great Pyrenees female named Brita, about 110 lbs., who we rescued as a senior dog. (That's Brita above.) Usually female Pyrs do not accept other female dogs into the home, but somehow Brita knew that she had to tolerate Gracie and welcome her to our home. They lived together until Brita passed in 2018, and then Gracie was lost without her buddy. She (and we) have adapted, but when Gracie passes, I swear that I will get another Pyr who is a senior. Best dog ever (and we've had many over the years.)
I think it overdid it on exercise the last few days. Last week, I had an endoscopy/colonoscopy and for the first time ever, they really knocked me out. I didn't even want to take a short walk. This week, I've gotten back into the community pool to do water walking and water exercise (an adaptation of my aqua fit classes pre-Covid) several times, including last evening and today midday, after taking a 2 1/2 mile walk. Oops. Now I am a couch potato for tonight, I'm afraid.
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Hi all. I've been gone a bit and see a lot has happened here. I haven't read all the posts, so for now I'll just say I love seeing all the pet pictures.
Mel, I got the masks and they are wonderful! I'm modeling the black one, I say is for "evening" in my new avatar. Lol. Very sorry I'm late thanking you, but I really do thank you! I have been dealing with some things including hand/foot problems from Xeloda after my gambling trip. We had a good time, but that triggered the H/F and I couldn't get to the cluster mailbox for several days. I'm much better now, and on a reduced dose. Reaching out with a hug. It sure is hard when our furry family members get older and I'm thinking of you at this difficult time.
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Mel I see your puppies 🐶. We’ve had our share of goodbyes with them and saying goodbye to them is truly emotional.
Everyone’s pets are charming. I love seeing the pictures.
Mara I’m sure you’ll find the right words when you finally get the chance. I love my family but some of them I keep my distance from so we don’t sever the ties completely over a brawl on the front lawn.
Tanya
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Mara, it stinks when we have to give up family, but our sanity is more important.
Love all the pet pictures.
BevJen, sorry you were struggling. I hope you keep gaining your strength back. Love your pups.
Bliss, I’m glad you’re feeling better.
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Mel, I love both of your dogs, handsome boys, even the older man. They both look well loved.
I appreciate seeing everyone else's dogs as well. Very cute fur family members.
BevJen, I can attest to the doing a lot of physical taking it out of you. That happened me the other day. Took two hour long walks and napped in between them as I got so tired out. It felt good and the naps were short but it is amazing how tired it can make you.
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- Tanya, thanks as always for your words of wisdom.
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Beautiful animals, everyone. Candy your cat is gorgeous.
I want to lie down in Sondra's garden and sack out for a few hours and her kitty can join me... then go to the beach with all your doggies.
My Mom's lab is 15 and has the weaker hind legs. But still pretty good. The solution for us was indoor/outdoor-grade rubber backed carpet mats thru house - the kind they'd put inside a foyer of a restaurant in winter, for patrons to stomp off the snow... cheap on amazon.
Mara your wig is FIRE! So natural and pretty. Regarding your SIL, I think the best attitude is half full, as you mention. You have a reliable family who have your back. That is half full. The joyfulness and inclusion may feel a little lacking from time to time and that is sometimes painful but it's wise to remember the full half so good for you. (Well more than half, as you actually *like* them and prefer more closeness!)
If I were you I would send a card congratulating them re the renewal of vows as someone else suggested. Maybe offer to have them for a cupcake-picnic to celebrate, the next time you get together. Initiate something fun and inclusive, and include THEM and have fun. That will feel good and set a tone, and possibly warm things up a little. That would be a "be the change you want to see" way.
This thread sleeps for no woman!
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