My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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micmel, I know it’s tough to see those we love fearful or hurt but I remind DH that things could always be worse, I said it often before cancer and still believe it. That said, he feels much better when I feel good and I almost always feel good
time for some reassurance I guess.0 -
Claudia~ Hello darling! Isn't loving people painful sometimes!? I know In my heart I'm going to be around for a long time. I do feel great. I got sick with a banging cold this time and the timing is terrible! I am sure he is overwhelmed because of the eagle court of honor. But when he says things like you just have to be ok, because your my other half of my heart and soul. Or what could I possibly want to do, if you're not around anymore?, you're the one I do everything with.
When he leave his office he calls me, when he leaves the second house, he calls me, his lives and mine are so closely knitted together, our children are siblings, never really in the heart had Step sons and step categories, the feelings were so deep and real. Open and honest and supportive and funny! When I see his tears, I know that we are dealing with some scary shit, because he is NOT the type of man to ever feel that way, not even his own mothers funeral, he was honorable and amazing. Once again took charge and I watched my beautiful man go to work on being the man of the family and the man of his own self.
Now that I am sick, it's somehow different, he believes that I will always be with him no matter where I am. I believe I will be always feeling a sense of waiting for him. I know deep inside my eternal being, I will always be waiting to see his soul or spirit again no Matter how long it seems, or takes. I know deep down inside my eternal being, this love is a love that conquers all. All of our loves are. That is what makes them our people. Please stay warm and sleep well! I fell asleep around 9:45 but BING! (Chelle, where are are ya girl?).......NyQuil and all and here I am already at 11:50 uh yuck. I'll try again. Much love ~M~
Looks like Claudia and Mae saved my mental health tonight. Thanks ladies. Love you much ~M~
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Mae~ Hello beautiful! Always such a smile on my face when I see two of my core people to this thread post! I am trying to get better. I just squeaked this one out, if I would have been waiting another day to get the antibiotics l, I would be singing 🎤 the blues, right about now, sick 😷 sick 😷 🤒 sick! I caught the fluid in my ears in time. No more noises like the ocean moving around in my head every time I closed my jaw! But it's finally gone, and I can tell the medicine is clearing up the sinus and the pressure in the sinus canal. So talk about close call, with this weather I am not looking forward to any travel at all. But I would do anything for my Fsmily. I hope you're feeling rested up from your anniversary gala trip? You so deserved it, and I know that you're memories will make you smile each and every time you think about them. Did he come home with you, or is he still out touring with them ? You're a strong woman. He should be so proud he chose you to love. You're so supportive and have such a zest for life. It's one thing that comes shining through about you! Have a good night sleep! Tomorrow I get my hair done. I'm going back to my real pre cancer color. My chestnut brown. I can't wait!! Hugs and much love ~M~
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.....that is seriously how I feel and how the weather has been.... even the dogs are like looking at me when I am actually suggesting that they go outside. They look up like. But Mom, nooooo! Good night ladies. Sleep well! ~M~
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I woke up today and I don't know how it could have gotten colder but it has. Crazy has. All I have heard all night is the howling wind and it was just awful. I still feel pretty lousy and I have to go out to get my hair done. Tomorrow we have to go out of state for my DSS eagle court of honor, and I want to look as good as I can. If that's even possible anymore but. I'll put on my fake boob and a smile! Stay warm please. Much love ~M~
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That picture cracked me up! Our mare has the most expressive eyes and I swear, yesterday, when I took her blanket off, she looked at me like no mommy, no, don't take my blankie! I felt bad, but I knew she would be happier out in the sunny pasture. She never gets a thick, furry winter coat like BigB does.
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I’m sort of rested up but was getting work calls on vacation and ended up coming back two days early into a storm of emergency work stuff. I would be working this Saturday but chose not to since I’m having scans/appointments all day on Sunday and Monday. On the bright side DH has no tours until April, so I get him every day until then. Also, my best friend since 7th grade is flying in next month for my 43rd birthday. She worries but she’ll feel better once she sees for herself how well I’m doing. Other than all that, it’s back to the daily grind for me....
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Micmel your DH needs to show vulnerability sometimes. Just imagine how many times he's had that feeling and doesn't express it. I wish someone could make them stronger for us. I spend a lot of time faking like I'm strong for my DH children mother and grandchildren. I deserve an academy award. We all do. This diagnosis sucks! Every ping of pain is a scary reminder. Deep breath Micmel we have this time. Reality that's all anyone really has but that whole good health feel good thing makes them feel invincible. Big air hugs sent through the freezing cold and bomb cyclone remnants to you.
My WBC was 1.1 so I'm staying inside and away from all potential germs. Sunday I resume Ibrance.
I did venture out yesterday to physical therapy, finally for my back and after surgery blob abs. Hey that nice PT said weight is good for osteoporosis because it's like doing weight bearing exercise. But I am not allowed to use heating pad on my back anymore he said heat and massaging places where cancer has grown can stimulate it to grow again. Has anyone ever heard of this?
Dogs in snow are the best. They always play like they've never seen it before and get hyped up.
Tanya
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well, had something all typed up for you Claudia, and that quick gone! I was smiling at your comment on your mare and the no mommy no mommy, don't take my blanket. Isn't it really funny how many things we are mommy too? Some of my kids friends always called me Mom, a few still do! I had a qtr horse growing up named fancy they were precious but so very much work. But when we came around the corner of the barbecue , the sweet neigh and reminder of how it felt to have them recognize us. Those were the care free days. When cancer wasn't even a Thought. How I miss those days now. Hugs to you ~M~
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Mae~I still can't believe that Florida even got snow, no wonder you had emergency issues. The cold snap has spread all over. It's awesome to think we have heard of a cyclone snow bomb. I've never heard of such a thing no less gotten to see it! You poor gals, in the northeast. I had heard that more snow isheading your way this next weekend. We have to travel and I'm afraid its going to be a long ass Saturday for me and my family. Ugh! So glad to hear you have your DH back until April! Yay for you! Please enjoy the time with your best friend. That's special. Much love ~M~
Will be thinking of you and your scans. Oh yes I will. Sending good thoughts and love! ~M~
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Tanya~I agree with you, he should not have to hide his sorrow. But I just don't want him to ever be unhappy, I wanted to be the one to make him happy, not to make him fear every day and every ache and pain. That I have. He does have such a beautiful heart, he protects me. I just wish....that I could wake up one day and we would be all Rid of This cancer curse. Sending lots of thanks, to you for your support! All of you! You all are like family!! I don't know what my mind would be like without you all! Thanks so much ~M~
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Micmel-I'm sending you a pair of lovely silk long undies from LL Bean. Then you will not fear the cold! Sorry you have been out of sorts with infection, getting ready for Eagle Scout trip, and DH expressing his fears. I had a thought also that reminded me of the holiday let down that I have felt in the past-could be playing a role. Anyway, I hope that the trip goes well and you enjoying honoring this very special young man...
We received about a foot of snow yesterday and are heading back into subzero temps. again. Keeping warmy with woodstove and my AGA cooker, and oil furnace. Making soup later. I feel for anyone in the South with these cold temps. My sister lives in Florida and never have I felt colder than in Florida in winter! It's so damp and bone chilling. Here in New England, we are prepared for the cold. So wishing all of you warmer temps soon.
Living with MBC is indeed like living in a separate realm. Weird place and so tricky to balance life with the fatigue, fear of dying, trying to be optimistic, living for each day, worrying about family....Ugh, it really is ALOT!
We all deserve a medal.
Thinking of all of you whether it's scans, appmnts, family events, pet events-everything, anything. May the force be with.....Love MJH
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MJH~You're so spot on with the comment on the holiday let down. I hate undecorating. I wasn't really into Christmas that much this year, I think I have a lot of anger because of this disease and what it's done. It's ruined my life. Ruined what I used to be able to do. Ruined who I was... my relationships have all changed, and I did nothing for it to happen. It wasn't something I agreed too, or something I understood or saw it coming. The anger will never go away, I am realizing that everyday. I look at people, we talk , but they don't have the black grim reaper walking behind them with every step. I went to have my hair done today, which is fine. The ladies were all talking about wedding and sons weddings and weddings and kids, and just life. I thought.... all I can think of is what date it is, and that leaves how many days before my next shot, or blood work. Or onc appointment. It's a constant terror of worry and fear that we carry along, and move it to different pockets on us everyday! Somedays we can shove it down deep, other days we cry it out and do not feel positive because of a new ache or pain.! Other days we can cherish every second without falling apart, or even get to the tip of acceptance , but then in the next hour of the clock, you are back stuck thinking about the life of unknowns we face everyday! Everyone who isn't sick also does I know, but somehow, hearing the words stage four and then correlating the information on their little chartie poo, makes you feel like someone took your air supply and there you are floundering with no where to go. Even if you could runaway, you can't out run the cancer, because it's an invasion and it is an infestation no one knows how to rid oneself of. Those who have their golden years still ahead of them because they “dont know", about the feeling of being faced with your mortality before. Once it does happen, the pure part of the world is taken, the assurance of survival of a peaceful death of old age on your pillow, doesn't look like the way it will go. It starts taking you to dark places, that you are forced to visit willingly or not. That's why anymore. I just don't seem to relate to many who do not have cancer as well. It's almost like I am insulting, because I went and got cancer. How dare me. It's all a shit stew honestly. To all you wonderful powerful women. Who are my fighting sisters!! ❣️❣️ Much love ~M~
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Mel,MJH,Tanya,
You are all so right! Every day is another bite of a shit sandwich. Yet,all I live for,is another day and then another and another....... I have accepted my situation, but am I ok with this, NO!!! I do have religious beliefs. I live with my faith leading the way. What will be will be 🎶que sera sera🎶 I am still scared,pissed,sad and frustrated at the unfairness! Why can’t some alcoholic abusive mother get this? Why us?
Mel- when you said that your furnace was coughing,all I could think was, I am glad that it didn’t take a crap! I hope you are warm and no furnace issues!
Lynn Bedford- your yard is a winter wonderland,beautiful! We need a big snow storm here! We haven’t gotten out the sleds and tubes at all this season. I’m sure that we will get our fair share. I hope your scans went well today. And no freaking out this weekend!!! Haha! Try anyhow! When do you get results? I have my fingers,toes and eyes crossed for you!!!!
Keetmom- doesn’t sound like your getting much support there! Stay home and out of the sub zero temps!! Who needs a group,that makes you feel like poo? Stay here, where we understand! A dog for Emma sounds like an amazing idea!
Claudia- so sorry for you,to have lost Anastasia. But certainly skittles happiness makes you feel better. Your little grand man is adorable!!!
Mae- your trip looked amazing!! Love all of the pics! Enjoy your dh!
My Dh and I have some decisions to make. DPD is trying to get him back to work. They really have been wonderful,through this whole ordeal. The commander out at the airport. (Denver international airport) called him. Wants him out there. So, he might actually be going back to work! He just wouldn’t be working a beat. He will mostly be giving people directions,walking the terminal and concourses. Something to think about!!!
Love to all of you! Stay warm!!
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Chelle~ Hello lovely~always nice to see your beautiful smile here. My furnace is doing great thanks lol I just meant that everything else is sick, I just was hoping nothing of importance would make more crap to wade through to keep warm. I got my hair done today and it's freaking frigid. I know some ladies here are used to this weather, and I can usually handle PA winters but this has been just freezing it's not even the snow it's the wind! I dont know why really, I've been feeling down, I just feel sad I guess. I never thought something like this would ever happen to me and my very happy life and marriage. I would never trade my DH for the world. We have Our beautiful blended family we put together with time and love and caring and sacrifice! Never once have I ever forgotten the sacrifices he put into this family. He is the most amazing man I know. Have ever known and will know. It's sounds to me Chelle, you have one also. I hope that you're happier with the choice to NOT have him back on any beat! Airports do tend to have more security, how does he feel about this.?
My DH is having some work cramps as well. Some people make the same money as he does and he truly does triple the work. He is honest, trustworthy, faithful,kind and everything a real Man should be!
I hope the decision you both make, puts this part of the awful Accident a far behind you both as possible. You both deserve it. I am trying to stay warm! Tomorrow is supposed to be like -4. We have to travel. I am worried I'll be too strung out and tired. Please wish me luck. Much love to you all. Happy to see you darling. ❣️❣️❣️ Much love. P.s hope you could read my handwriting in the cards?!!
Guys I'm terribly worried about Nan I don't know what to do. 🤭😞😢🤔🤕🙏💔💔🖤
~M~
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sorry that was so long. I have cabin fever for sure. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you all about scans, results and on visits. We will be there with you in our thoughts and sending strength to make sure you know how very much we care about you all! Hugs and support ~M~
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Hi all you ladies suffering very cold weather. Just watching BBC news and it looks f.... freezing!! Keep warm out there. We are still having a mild winter here in Spain. Thinking of all facing scans and results. Nothing for me until 24th. I'm not sure who was saying about a possible port. I have had a port since my first diagnosis and it is so much easier. I still need a line for contrast in scans, which can be a bit of an effort. Nearly always ends up in my hand. Dread anyone trying to draw blood with a needle.
Safe travels Micmel x
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Michel, thinking about you as you travel today in this horrible cold and wind. It's 8 degrees as I type this. Try to enjoy your day with your family. I hope your cold/ ears are better. I get it about the feelings we are all having, I've been having them too. I listen to my friends talk about grandchildren and retirement plans and they are all SO carefree. My life, while wonderful, has lost that carefree atmosphere. Every thought begins with..if I'm still here. The fatigue and joint/ muscle pain has really impacted my activities. I feel such a difference from even last year. Perhaps it's the new year that brings all of these feelings up. I cried when the ball dropped, sobbed actually.
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Minnie~Hi darling. I am glad you're having a mild winter. You don't need any cold like this. I just woke up and it's 9 outside, we have to leave in two hours. All I want to do is cuddle with my blanket. And rest all day on my pillow! I have really nothing to wear at all, which makes me feel inadequate, which I've already felt. Many times I am waiting for someone to say this has been a bad joke! I'm still waiting. Hugs to you minnie and at least you're not not freezing!!! I have my port, I call it my third eye.but it has made things easier, I have noVeins left to tangle with. The hand does hurt terribly. Yuck. Enjoy your Saturday darling! Hugs ~M~
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Lynnwood~ I also cried, but I tried to hide it from my DH. He has been strggling with a lot of things. Work sucks, weather sucks. He has just been scared lately that everything we planned and dreamed of together won't ever come true. We are so in love and so happy. We rarely ever argue! I cried and hid it from the family, I do it all the time. Not my DH because all he has to do is take one look at me. He knows my tones and sounds when I cry. What DH doesn't?, if I cry too much my kids freak out and it stresses them out. Instead of saying Mom I'm scared and we love you, it's Mom you're being negative again when you cry, (in other words we can't handle it when you cry because it scares us, so we say it's negative!) so I try to hide most of myreal fears and real terrors. I Am with you guys, thinking of scans. Please hang on tight to each other ! Much love ~M~
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look guys!!!! We hit 2k posts! That's awesome! This thread has been up and running since July 2017 only and we have created a home here together., thank you all and for being apart of my extended fsmiky here !! Love you all and the support we have here for each other. ❣️❣️❣️❣️❄️❄️💨💨🧥🧥🌨🌨. I don't like winter! I don't like snow! And that wind?? It knows where it can just go!!!! Hugs and love ❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️💚💜🧡💙💚💛🧡. ~M~
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This is my DD after her second surgery it did not look like this with her right eye, 10days ago. But, the surgeries are helping with her headaches it's called optic nerve sheath fenestration to relieve the spinal fluid that was pressing on her optic nerve. Best news is that it's working and reducing the risk of blindness. Good news
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Grannax~💔 that makes me so very sad. I am so deeply upset seeing your precious daughter like that! Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled it's helping, but no one should have to go through something like that. Geeze things make me so mad. That lovely young woman. Please tell her, you and she are in my daily thoughts and sending good vibes your way! You're a supportive wonderfully loving mother. Strong together ! Much love ~M~
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Grannax, That eye looks painful, but I am so happy to hear that the surgery is helping and is a success. You must be so relieved. How are you doing?
Mel, You are probably already on the road by now. I am sure that the pride, love and happiness you feel for your DSS will help you through this day, and you will be magnificent. Your DSS has accomplished something that is incredibly challenging. Just enjoy this special day.
Chelle, The job at the airport sounds like it could be a good fit for your DH. What do you think? Will you be okay with it? I am sure you feel protective of him, and for good reason. If this sounds promising to both of you, then I hope it works out. You both deserve it. My scans went well yesterday. I can call for results early next week. My thought is that if I don't get a call from my MO before I call him, it will be good news. If I get a call from MO on Monday morning, maybe I just won't answer the phone. LOL. I am not really nervous. I am had scans this week because my TMs have been climbing for the past three months, but I feel great, and my liver numbers couldn't be better. The TMs could just be a fluky thing. I am prepared for anything, but I have to admit that I am not ready to change treatment plans. I have had very few SEs while on Faslodex and Ibrance for the past year and a half. I know that the past 2 1/2 years have been a gift, and I will continue to enjoy life as long as I can.
Minnie, Yes, freezing it is. (That sounds like Yoda talk. Hmmm.) I went out this morning, and when I returned, I told my DH that I will not leave the house again until spring. I am dreaming of my gardens that are buried somewhere under all the snow. I refill my bird feeder every morning because I feel sorry for all those birds. The parade to eat is continuous from dusk to dawn.
Lynnwood, Do you think changing to a different AI would help relieve your aches and pains? Or maybe a different brand of the same AI? I have even read on some threads that changing brands of the same AI can help because different inactive ingredients can affect people differently. The new year can be emotional for all of us. I wish that were not true, but it seems to be a time for reflection.
MJH, we got about a foot of snow here, too. That white fluffy stuff looks really nice, doesn't it? Well, looks can be so deceiving. I have had enough of this weather. Btw, I own long undies from LL Bean, but not the silk ones. If this weather keeps visiting us, I will order some. I did hear that it is supposed to be considerably warmer by Thursday. Do you think they are just teasing us with that forecasts?
My son and daughter-in-law have been in Florida for the past two weeks. It was nice and warm at first, but not so much now. Right now they are at WDW running the Dopey Challenge. It is aptly named, I think, since participants run a 5k on Thursday, 10k on Friday, 1/2 marathon on Saturday, and marathon on Sunday. They have to be nuts! They run Dinsey races several times a year. Anyway, the races start really early in the morning, so I am sure they bundle up this year.
Lynne, Were you able to have your chemo yesterday? It was mighty cold here when I left my house at 7:00 am. I thought of you as we drove over the Bedford line into Manchester. If you did have chemo I hope your hell week is milder than in the past. Stay warm.
Enjoy your weekend everyone.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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50's girl, Micmel. Yes, I do hate to see her look like this. Just when i start to feel sorry for all of us with MBC, I think of my DD, who has had almost as many surgeries as I have, but they've been on her brain. You should see her pics right after her shunt was placed!!!! Shaved head with a big candy cane shaped scar on her head, scar behind her ear and big scar on her abdomen. Multiply that procedure times ten, in the past ten years. Add ten more years of pain and treatment, because she was DX at 25. We have it bad, I know, but we're NOT alone in the suffering catagory.
Unlike her mother, she is totally comfortable with a bald head.LOL. she thinks hair is just a lot of unnecessary trouble. This cracks me up, especially since I was a hairdresser forever. I'm the one who shaves her head prior to surgery. I pout about the fact that ive lost mine three times. She's had hers shaved ten times! We're not alike in lots of ways but I admire her attitude. And, of course as any mother, I wish there could be a cure, or even long term relief of pain. Maybe this time the relief of her headaches will last a long time.
Meanwhile, it is January. It's not a good month for me, it's depressing. Putting Christmas decor up is depressing, Everything looks and feels blah. My mother died in January. My next scan is in January. Will i have to change to a different TX in January? Will I continue to respond or not? What would progression feel like? Would it scare me as much as DX and TX did one year ago? That's about the only question I can answer. No, it would not. Because, after one year of reading this forum, I know there are other treatments that work, too. I'm confident that there will be something else for me to try, I had no confidence in that one year ago. So, I've grown and gathered knowledge and experience, mine and yours. That's a gift, because I don't know where else I could have gained this confidence if this forum did not exist.
As each of us are trying to live life, I know sometimes it feels like too much. Our lives, outside of MBC, are sometimes sad, joyful, proud moments that happen in our family. Whichever moment is happening right now in our families, we need to feel it, be there and then move through it. That's what keeps me going, knowing some moments are more fun and meaningful than what's happening today. 💞
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Mel, thinking of you today, praying you have had a safe trip and a wonderful day.
Grannax, I can’t even imagine how hard that must be to watch your child go through all that!!! Prayers for you both!!!
Everyone I’ve missed, please stay safe and take care of yourselves. I’m running a fever and have a runny nose and cough. Just what I needed to start Ibrance!!!! Geesh
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Micmel, I hope everything went well today. Remember try not always to look on the dark side. I think we all feel we have been robbed of a carefree existence. I have my days like that, and with this new year I have promised myself to make the most of every day and to be thankful for every day, and not to avoid thoughts of next year in case I'm not here. I agree with you when you say the family don't want to see you cry, but sometimes you would love to cry with them and hold them close too.
Grannax, I pray that the latest procedure will help your daughter. She looks very much like one of my daughters! After what she's been through, it does make me realise that we are not the only people suffering.
50sgirl Lynne, sending you some telepathic sunshine. Hope the results are good x
Going to Ireland next week and the days are being filled with family and friends, so by the time we do 10 days I may have to sleep for a week. May have to skip breakfast and stay in bed till lunch. Any advice on energy saving when you have a mad family that talk into the small hours? Can't normally do 2 days together, never mind 10!
Sleep time for me. Good night all. Keep warm and keep well
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Minnie, have a wonderful and safe trip! Ireland is a place I would love to see
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Micmel, your experience has been mine, too. After mbc, all of my relationships changed. And I didn't want that. Yet, after awhile, I found acceptance of it.
Those who have not had that moment of "truth", the "you are metastatic, stage iv" conversation cannot comprehend. My sister in law claims she is "not afraid of death". She is not staring down the barrel of metastatic breast cancer. I will never forget the chill that ran down my spine when I was told my diagnosis by the oncologist. Be brave? Hell no! I prefer not!
I absolutely agree with what you say about being diagnosed with mbc, and you say it very poetically: Once it does happen, the pure part of the world is taken, the assurance of survival of a peaceful death of old age on your pillow, doesn't look like the way it will go. It starts taking you to dark places, that you are forced to visit willingly or not.
Yes. Yes, that is exactly how I feel. Things were taken from us. That pure part. We never get it back. We were robbed. No one understands better than others who have received the same diagnosis. That is why I am grateful to be able to connect with women on this forum. I do not feel as alone.
I do have to add that, entering my eighth year dealing with this, I am almost an old pro at learning to chase away the dark places away that creep up on me daily. I learned to create more meaningful relationships even with those whom my relationship has changed. These relationships are more authentic, altho that doesnt mean they are wonderful. I stand my ground more. Put up with less b.s. I guess there are trade offs. I certainly am not going to let mbc get the best of me.
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Divine Mrs M, you give me hope. As a baby of 15 month stage iv diagnosis, I will look forward and hope to see 8 years more. This is why I also love this forum, it gives support, love and good advice. Thank you all.
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