My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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sending caring thoughts and love to our sister Kandy, who has been admitted to the hospital and is not feeling too well at ll. Apparently Tarheelmichelle has contact with her DH. It's time to band together again ladies and send some good pure thoughts across the miles to our sister. She's already an angel in my eyes, we need this angel here. No where else! . I wish her nothing but painless adjustments and a medicine that will finally bring her to Stable! Love always ~M~
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Kandy, sending you hugs and warm wishes. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Tanya-Your grandkids are adorable!
Lynnwood- I started getting SS after being on short term disability for 6 months, for my work. I get long term disability from my work too. SS was easy, I did it over the phone, and I got my first check 4 weeks later. Long term had paperwork and was a pain, I did it with my primary dr, since she had to fill out paperwork too. That was 3 years ago when I stopped working. The long term people call me once a year and ask if I still needed disability, I said yes, since they hadn't found a cure for cancer yet. I get 60% of my pay, between the two.
I had a lumpectomy at 43, when I was first diagnosed in 2005. The surgeon later noticed that that breast was a lot smaller than the other (it was the larger one before hand), and offered to even them off. I told him my husband nor I cared, and I could always put tissues on the smaller side, in my bra. I told him why would I want another surgery? I had a hysterectomy to remove everything, because of the ER and PR+ tumor, after my radiation. Enough with the surgeries. I always said, if it came back in my breast (which it did not), I would do a double mastectomy and just wear men's shirts. I'd get fake ones for the bathing suit and dresses too.
Got to go! Have a great day everyone!
Lynne
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NO1~hope all is well with you and yours. I also hope you're feeling good today. It's still 24 here. My feet are cold and it's cloudy. I feel a nap coming on!
Thinking of Kandy ! Hugs for everyone. Who needs one
~M~
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Micmel, you just put down how we all feel. This trip is sooo tiring, but I have to keep going. Afraid of what comes later, and if life changes so I can't do things like this anymore. Big hugs xx
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Minnie~Thank you for the big hug, today has been one of those days that bed is where I am. Some days it's the only place I am. Other days I kick butt. I have noticed that my kids, no matter what happened with them. If anything happens in their lives. I am the one they come too. No matter what. They want my help , advice, and even possible solution! I desperately need them to figure things out on their own. I love them always of course. Unconditionally forever, but I need my time now to not worry about everything and everyone. It's difficult ages. Difficult cancer. It helps to know I am not alone. Much love ~M~
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I just read s about Kandy. I am heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken. I am going to bow out for awhile. I need time to cry, time to grieve and time to figure out how I can live better. She would want that for all of us. Live, fully live each and every day!
You will always remain in my thoughts and prayers,
Claudia
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Micmel, reading your post took me way back to a very bad time in my life. For numerous and horrid reasons, I stopped functioning and fell apart. I managed to drag myself to a therapist because I knew I needed help and there he was, Mr. Beige in his beige office with his beige sweater vest, looking at me with an expression devoid of any personality. There I was, slack jawed, no make-up, black bags under my eyes, hair plastered to my head in a sweaty mass, probably drooling on myself, barely able to sit upright so I was sort of slumped over to one side.
He says, "Are you suicidal?"
Hmmm. Suicidal. Let me ponder this. It took me 5 minutes of intense focussed thinking this morning to realize that I had put my shoe on without a sock. Yes, a sock. That fabric tube that goes on the foot before the shoe. Sock. Find one. Where are they? I can't recall if I've ever had any. Maybe I don't like socks. Wait, I think I know where they are. Oh look, a sock is in this drawer .. hey! bonus! panties too!
My mind was a septic tank of sludge and my body was in the final stages of rigor mortis and this guy was asking if I wanted to kill myself? I couldn't manage the energy to DRESS myself let alone kill myself! The fact that Hub walked me in holding me up and dropped me like a sack of potatoes should have been some indication of my overall state. But no, this dummy had to ask anyway.
But the truth is I was intensely suicidal. I wished to die. It would have been so much easier than what I was feeling. So this is the answer I gave him: If the Grim Reaper knocked on my door and said Runor, we have dug a hole for you out back. Every responsibility and task in your life will be taken over and completed the way you want. No one will suffer or struggle after you're gone, the burdens of your life are guaranteed to be looked after. May I show you to your hole?" I would have said, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, take me to the hole. Throw the dirt over me. God I am so tired. I am so tired. I just need to rest.
Was I suicidal? Yes and no. Wanted the suffering to stop but didn't have one lick of energy to make that happen. If someone else had offered me the out, I'd have been all over it. Except for one small fly in the ointment ... my kid. And the fact that I don't think anyone would have done the job the way I wanted. For her I held on. As soul suckingly exhausted as I was. Somewhere in my addled brain I knew that I would pull out of this. Time. I just needed time.
I am making a guess, but I hear an exhaustion in your voice that is impossible to communicate. Yes, you need your kids to become the grown-ups they need to be so you are free to continue this journey with your focus on your self. Your kids are of the ages where they need to be stepping up to learning and you have the biggest battle to get them there, with the least amount of energy you've ever had. It's not fair and it's not right. But I know that feeling of not thinking you can carry on for one more step.
In coming to this thread and getting a better picture of your story, my admiration of you has grown in leaps and bounds. The way you respond to everyone personally. That is a HUGE job. Huge. And you do it. I don't know how. Please know that if you need to step back and take some time to do anything other than post here, not a single person would hold it against you. Rest when you can. Your kids ARE growing up, even though you might not see it. You ARE fighting to stay here for them, which is what every parent wants. I wish I could say with any certainty that you have good years ahead of you, but that is just so much hot air on this site. We are all too informed to believe that. However, there are women who live longer lives of better quality than ever before and I hope to god that is what happens for you. So, if a guy in tattered black robes knocks on your door and tells you he has a hole for you, just say no. For all of us he's lurking around, but for now you can still shut the door in his face. I send you every thought of peace, rest, strength and renewal that the universe can muster. Blessings on you, Micmel.
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Runor, your words are eloquently written. Thank you for sharing a difficult time in your life..it was raw and real. I agree with you about Micmel, she truly is the heart and soul of the group here. She made me feel immediately welcome when I "came here". I occasionally post on other threads but this is my place and Micmel is a big reason why. I just found out about our friend Kandy and am terribly shocked and upset. Not a good day.
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No. Not a good day at all. People are weeping and hearts are broken.
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micmel sending you hugs and hugs and hugs
I went to physical therapy today. I was tired after I got dressed. I saw the Ortho dr after and was informed that it will take about 6 months to get my muscles back to pre surgery time. I'm too tired to care.
I sat in the car for awhile today and let the sun warm me. I was thinking that my onc can tell my DH when the next Pet scan is coming and he doesn't tell me until the day of. Scans should be coming soon and so the anxiety before starts to kick in. I love all you positive scanners. Not there yet.
Tanya
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Hi all, I've been around, just had nothing to post for a few days. Spent a couple days home from work, I love being non-essential when it comes to icy weather related issues. My current puzzle has me going crazy, working on it for hours until i have to give my eyes a break.
Really upsetting about Kandy too, not at all how i thought her hospitalization would go. Ebru, LindaE, Kandy, R.I.P. ladies
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Rest in peace Kandy. Xx
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Micmel- feeling concerned for you. Seems like you are overwhelmed and spent; and why wouldn't you be? Remember to do what you think it takes to keep yourself sane. If it means being in a funk for a while and shutting the world out, do it. Sending love and hugs, MJH
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Mae~ so glad to see you. I can't handle not knowing if you are ok. This has been a horrible month. I feel so heart broken and beaten you're correct MJH, my heart is heavy and the thought of loosing another one of you. Is so scary I can't even think about it. We loved Kandy. She was a magnificent friend and person, mother and wife. It's just isn't fair. All night I laid there thinking. Why does this have to happen to us. To people ? Good people !
MJH~ I am exhausted can't seem to be anyway else! Cancer sucks the lifefrom us.
Lynnwood~ you're a Darling my sweet friend
Hugs to Minnie. Yes rip Kandy. Fly with the angels now.
Runor. You're a sweetheart....so glad you have found us also! Much love ~M~
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Dear Micmel
Kandy's passing is a terrible blow to her dear family and to all of us on the threads and we know you are feeling beaten down right now.
Yes, cancer sucks for sure. BIG TIME!!!!
People on these threads love you very much Micmel and feel deeply for you. Why not do as MJH suggested and take some time off just for you. Only check in with a word or two here and there on the boards. If you could get away, even for an overnight with DH it might help to revive your spirits a little. Or even a nice long drive - just the two of you, followed by a nice intimate dinner for two....
We are all thinking of you Stage IV sisters - even those like me who don't normally post on the Stage IV forums and we too mourn sweet Kandy's passing also Ebru and LindaE.
xxxxx
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GoodP~I love you all too. Hugs and kisses. Thank you for the sweet reassurance that being here does actually help people. This thread does actually help people. I will take a drive today with my DH. I can't shake the feeling that this is all a very bad dream. But then my eyes open and I see. Everything is still the same. Friends lost.... tears shed....and nothing ever changes now, except more and more people I have grown to love are suffering silently, and being forced to live with worry everyday of how someone so full of life could go that quickly. I just have to take one day at a time like we all do. And just so you know. I love you all too! I don't know what I would do without you all to share my fears and emotional strains about cancer! Much to all ~M~
Also Raewyn. A few months ago this summer. Everyday it’s like I feel like I am holding my breath for fear of someone else not doing good.
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Micmel - I decided to check in today, even though I am struggling to get through every minute of everyday lately. I'm sorry to see you feeling as you do. I would like nothing more than to sit with you and talk to each other about our feelings. Cry together, hug and pray. I can't seem to stop crying. We have lost so many lately, each and every one has taken a piece of my heart, but I feel like Kandys passing has broken it! She was such a special lady! You could feel it in each one of her postings I went to a couple of other threads where people are asking questions about normal stuff, and I just wanted to say, really, Kandys gone, who cares. But that is so not how she was. She would embrace everyone with her thoughtful, loving posts!
I just want the world to stop for a couple of days, while we all, her family especially, can get their feet back under them.
My mil's situation has reached critical stage. I find that I, the one who normally gets everything organized, just can't deal with it. I just want to scream, not now! I am standing on the edge of the cliff, any little puff will send me over the edge!
You go spend quality time with your Dh, say hi once in awhile, but go , concentrate on the two of you. Allow him to help prop you up for a day or two. Just take care of you! I plan on doing the same. I need to stop crying. How about we stand together and prop each other up! When you find yourself sliding down, think of me and lean a little more, and I will do the same. Think of all of us, on one side, and your Dh on the other side! We will hold each other through this. Its the best I can offer you note.
I'm sure every one understands the importance of stepping back, for awhile, to be able to go forward stronger. Love to you all!
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Had a really funky nosebleed this morning that came out of nowhere! Bled a lot. Finally stopped but left me with a weird little headache. I've read others that had nosebleeds and rectal bleeding (which I also had last week when I was so terribly constipated) sorry tmi!Hoping this goes away...it's scary!
Micmel, you have the most loving heart! I didn't know Kandy at all, but am feeling the loss of her and Linda, not to the extent you are but just thinking dang I hate thus disease! Please take care of you for a while and remember that there are many of us who really care about you! Sending you big hugs and lots of love
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Gracie~ I've had the lower quadrant bleeding but very mildly. It usually goes away once the murilax settles your system into recognizing that your stools are softer sorry to say it like that but true. I know how hard ibrance can be. But it works really well for some people. Just give it time. I'm banking on it working for a long time to come for us both.
I went for a nice drive with my DH and looked around at the world yesterday. I couldn't make sense of the way I was feeling. I am so very shaken and sad by losing Kandy so fast, that I decided I am not going to run away from here. .....This is why...if I was never here I wouldn't have gotten to see Kandys beautiful soul reach out to me when I first started my thread, or when her and keetmom would discuss the challenges of having special needs children. I felt the warmth from her and i wouldn't have changed a second of knowing her. I am torn between hating this place because of the losses and loving it. Because this is where my sisters are. My people, who understand and I need that. I enjoy reading all your words, and I don't think Kandy would want any of that support to go away. She also would answer everyone On her thread and was an angel while doing so, never about her, always lifting someone else up with words and support. She was a diamond in the rough. I still don't like saying was. Because to me, she'll always be special way beyond this planet and this place. Her DH wrote her obituary last night, (Ronda/tarheelmichelle) has been keeping all of us abreast of everything through her husband Hal who just finished writing it. My heart is broken. But I don't want to leave here even for a day. If I can help one of you. Or make you smile. Then I'm doing at least ok!
Love you all ~M~
I am also very very worried about Nan!!! Like beyond worried at this point.
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Yes, Micmel, it's best to find a way to balance this forum with the rest of our lives. I figured out a long time ago that I was going to have to accept the losses here. They are all difficult to learn about, and some hit harder than others for women that I get to know a little better.
When I learn of another loss on these boards, I find a way to commemorate the passing. Your drive with dh was a perfect way to go out and have some time to reflect, take stock and contemplate. We all mean something to each other. We want to honor that connection. Sometimes I will take a walk, a drive, or light a candle or sit in my rocking chair and look out my window for awhile and offer silent prayers to the bereaved family.
It also helps to remember we all live full lives away from these boards and I keep that in mind when a sister passes. We are so much more than the disease. We are more than our last days.
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Hello dear sweet ladies.....I'm sorry to return to such sad news.....although these may just be words on the screen, the souls they are connected to (on both ends ) reach so far beyond this glowing box.....I love you
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Nan!!! How are you? Nice to see you check the in
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OMG~!!! Nan~🤭🤭🤭😌💜🤗🤗😢 I am so very happy to see you beautiful! I have been so worried about you and I think of you everyday. Seeing you here today is just what I needed. Totally what I needed. I am so happy to see you more than I can express. Hope all is well with your family and DH. I am thrilled to see your name here. It's something that in the midst of all this sadness an angel appears. Missed you and love you so much !!! 🤗💜💗~M~
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Nan - You made my day! What's been going on in your life? How is Dd? Dh? How are YOU! Missed your soul here! You are right, all of us have souls!
Hugs and prayers,
Claudia
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Waving hello to Claudia. ❣️❣️ Thinking of you and your MIL. And DH..... hugs special lady! ~M~
Nan~ ☺️🤗☺️🤗💜 just seeing your name since September or October warms my heart in a much needed way. Hope DD is adjusting well to married life! Hugs my friend ~M~
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My heart is sad for Kandy's family, I know she had a daughter with downs syndrome,, I hope she is doing OK.
Nothing really happening her, chemo was Thursday so I'm really tired tonight.
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First walk in a long time on the walking path near my house. This is picture of the Androscoggin River from the historic foot bridge. Uplifting with the warmer temps and bright sunshine! will post in a minute! MJH 0 -
Hi everyone, have had less pain the last day and a half, which certainly improves ones' outlook .Forty degrees here today so took my grandson to sled and he had a blast! Makes Granny happy to see! More sledding tomorrow and maybe Star Wars movie. DD is sick with sore throat, so praying it does not jeopardize her very first anatomy/physiology class on Monday. She already wrote her first English paper and submitted it and is very proud. She has so many weird physical ailments, it's hard to keep track. Most are attributed to past eating disorder and drug use.
Know we are all still numb and reeling from the loss of Kandy. So hard. I get this creepy feeling that we are all lemmings marching toward the cliff, but those who have passed before us want us to dance along the way! So,I'm going to make the effort to dance when I can in their honor.
Keetmom-rest from the insult of chemo.
Lynn(Man) hope you had a lovely weekend at camp!
runor-honored that you bared your soul to us-must have been terrifying to be at the bottom of such a deep pit.
Bighome-so much going on for you. It's gotta be tricky coping with it all.
Hey to Minnie-good luck with appmnts, etc. Hope Ireland was great!
hello to Mae, Lynnwood, Micmel, NO1, goodprognosis, Grannax, leapfrog, Nan, Divine, Gracie, Tanya, 50'sgirl, and any other of you dear souls.
May the force be with you.MJH
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MJH, beautiful picture! It must be so nice to walk there ! The sunshine is truly uplifting. I just told my husband today how much better I feel when the sun shines. I really need to start walking but am unmotivated.
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