My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
Divine~It's 4:01 am. Why my eyes snapped open I will never know. Sometimes things like that happen with all the medicines I believe I am taking. Sometimes once i awake, my mind is like a fast loop that won't slow down and now plays like little movies over and over that won't stop. I figured I would just take a second and just check in and maybe make my eyes tired again. Thank you for what you said about honoring Kandy in our own ways. I think that was brilliantly said...I needed to realize that is what we all should do if we felt we needed too to cleanse our sadnessand respect her the best way we can! You ladies are fabulous! You have such supportive posts, you and Lynn(50's) girl both do. Has anyone seen her lately? Just making sure everything is ok with her DH.! I hope you're sound asleep! Hugs to you, lovely lady. Much love, ~M~
0 -
Mae~HI sweetheart! Hope you and your DH have a good menu on top for tomorrow (tonight really) evening and Sunday dinner night, I Am intending to plan a meal! My DH was here and grilled chicken for me. Which I love. He knows I wasn't really eating with all the worrying and sadness with Kandy and LindaE54 this week. And last week. I just haven't been hungry. I realized it was 535 pm today and i hadn't eaten a thing. All Nerves. Yes I would think my rear end would shrink but it hasn't. Nerves are not a fun thing to deal with. DH and I were discussing paralyzing anixiety and the way it just grips you and won't let go. I've been having those days quite a lot lately. Good night at 4:15 am ! Hope you're also sleeping well. Much love ~M~
0 -
Claudia~ she made my day too! Oh yes she did. Just what I honestly needed to see was her here. It lifted me out a little bit at the right time. One of our originals. I was so worried. Now I feel happy to see her. Of course I amalways happy to see you too my dear friend. Thinking of you're MIL and DH and what you're going through. We love you ~M~
0 -
Keetmom~Heavy heart is so very true. She is someone (still can't use was, just can't do it) who always had a smile to give. Even when she knew, she never changed her beautiful reactions to people and the treatment of respect, kindest love for her dear sisters. In replaceable in peoples lives. Just like each and everyone of you would be. Hope the girls and DH are doing well and Emma I said over her last issue! We sorry about her too! Rest up from chemo, drink fluids and sleep (what I should be doing right now a at 4:23a.m. Hugs to you and The girls! ~M~
0 -
MJH~ what a much needed serenity picture posting! I would love to walk there. I think sledding with your grandson was such a wonderful thing to do. Nothing like a child's laughter to make things seem bearable. My DH being here is a tremendous happy, loving thing. He is my serenity mostdays! I maybe should try to break out the gloves and take my dog for a walk. Now. Grandpuppy May be a little to big to walk anymore. I'll be getting a most recent picture ASAP, I plan to see him this coming week, we are going to be almost balmy with 50 degrees. But then there will be tons of mud. Gross! Going to try to togo back to bed. Hope you're all warm and sleeping , you strong wonderful ladies! Much love ~M~
0 -
Lynwood~ totally agree with the sunshine. Something feels renewed and more touchable. And the smell of the fresh air filling your lungs. Fresh air smell, I can handle although, I don't like going out when it's freezing but today wasn't bad. I have been a hermit since the long ride with DH, just can get motivated, my mind keeps drifting back to Kandys family. Maybe that's why I am not sleeping. Sure hope you are. Hugs dear friend ~M~
0 -
Micmel, you too? It’s 6:10 am here and I haven’t been able to sleep one wink all night! Hate that! Can’t get comfortable... I guess it’s the Mets in my neck and skull that are hurting and no matter how I lay I can’t get any relief! Am going to try again here in a bit
0 -
Gracie~Must Be one of those nights huh? My metsstarted to hurt like crazy when my mets started to be effected by the ibrance medicine. Ask your doctor for lidocaine 5% patches for your areas until the medicine does the work to eliminate the instant pain. They work wonderfully. I love them and use them when I do too much in one week or day. I hope you're sleeping now sweet friend. Love you ~M~
0 -
Ugh, my post disappeared. Summary: slept well, made coffee and blueberry banana pancakes (in the shape of Texas for DH, he loved it). We finished the latest puzzle a couple days ago, it was a good challenge.
Tonight DH is making a pork roast with cabbage, I’m making cauliflower Mac n cheese to go with it. Probably a movie tonight, don’t know which one yet.
0 -
Mae- what a fantastical puzzle! Love it! Enjoy that yummy meal! Best, MJH
0 -
Micmel, I finally got a few hours sleep. Was back up by 9. Ugh! On the good side, took my last Ibrance if the first cycle last night!! Yea!!!! And I lived through it, now If my counts will just recover!!! Hope you got some rest!
Mae, I love puzzles but that one looks hard! It would have taken me forever lol!!!
0 -
Mae ~ loving that puzzle!! How many pieces were in that bad boy.? I am not really doing anything except trying to calm my insides down from this awful week! When we loose people, it scares me a lot, because if we don't loose people, then that means the treatments are working for more than not. I am sick of panicking every time I look at a calendar, and zero in on the next blood workday and or shot day. Then the rabbit hole opens up at my feet..... when we loose someone. That same rabbit hole follows me around and i am afraid to fall in it. Maybe I'll work on my puzzle once my DH leaves unfortunately back to the other house for the week. Maybe more. I think my DSS has baseball practice on Saturday which means I'll be without him for next weekend and I hate that so much. Feels like a part of me is missing, when he goes away. He is my security, he is my love, my safest place I have ever known, and that includes being a child. No safe place. I hope you have a great dinner and find something real good to watch! Hugs my friend ~M~
0 -
MJH~amazing serenity picture. Thanks for sharing. Peaceful and calm. That's really what I need. I guess a girl can dream. Lol. Hugs to you beautiful! Hope DD is doing good as well! ~M~
0 -
Gracie~ glad you finally got to sleep. I so much know how that feels. It means everything for the next day is pushed back and my function level drops terribly! Lately mine has been leveling off. Sometimes every month is different. I am guessing any treatment as this point can be a crap shoot. Which isn't really fair considering we are talking about our precious lives!makes me so angry they have no cure for cancer yet. 2018? Really? Grrrr!!i haven't eaten and I need to eat. Someone mentioned chewing their tongue and it ends up feeling like raw meat! I also have the same thing!!!! Now I want to know who wrote that. I'm going to have to search. hope you sleep tonight darling. Hugs my friend ~M~ My heart is still hurting. Mind keeps drifting back to thoughts. I'd rather not have. 😞💔. Rest well beautiful ladies
0 -
micmel, it was 1,000 pieces and a tough one for sure but fun
I have mixed feelings on the losses, what concerned me most upon being told I had cancer was the thought of dying in a hospital over a period of months, just wasting away, like TV/movies. However, Ebru, Peacockgirl, Linda and Kandy had posted, then passed quickly and I’m actually comforted by that, they didn’t linger and hopefully didn’t suffer.
They do hit hard though, when I first joined bco in December 2016, I read about a woman named Patty who chose the day she would die and spent her last days at the beach with her best friend, I didn’t know her but I was utterly destroyed reading that post and those that followed. I told my husband, I would use this site as a informational resource only and not get emotionally involved, I failed and I will continue to fail.
0 -
Mae~I have a feeling we have both spoken the same words to our DH's and I know I have failed miserably. I didn't really think about how fast, in that manner, but you're absolutely correct, I don't want to suffer. I do want to go quickly. You do make an excellent point with that.
I am annoyed because everyone in this house has been sick over this past month. I caught a little bug and I didn't feel too good for about a week. A few minutes ago I said to my DH. I think I have a fever. He goes what???? You never run fevers. Well I was right it's already 100 degrees so I am on the fever watch until further notice! I really and truly hope, this isn't the flu. I have a headache, my throat is feeling a little rough, and a fever. Slight cough coming along! Sooooo.....here we go again. Bed for the near future. The other thing that is weird, is my left foot inside portion in the middle inside feels like almost like a hairline fracture. I have done nothing to injure myself at all. Then today literally like an hour agothis strange foot pain and it even hurts to move my toes around. WTF??? such craziness ! I just don’t want to play this game anymore! I know it’s not a game, but it sure sometimes feels like someone is playing a trick on me ever since diagnosis!!
Is it time for bed yet ? Nice job with the that puzzle I love it. 1000 pieces will take some good time.! Love the candy. Hugs my friend. ~M~
0 -
And duh! On me for not seeing you included the box with how many pieces there were! My mind is really spent. Ugh! Sorry darling! ~M~
0 -
Lol, no problem. Take care of you. I’m going to pick out the next puzzle
0 -
Hi all, I am finally out of the rabbit hole! Like Mae, I finally realized that Kandy was in so much pain, and apparently the Dr was unable to help her. I truly believe that God swept her up to heaven to end her suffering. I also know that she will always live on in the hearts of all her loved her! I am praying that her family can get to a better place soon!
I also apologize for all of the angst I have been feeling lately. There just was way too much, all at once, for me to process.
MJH, your photo is lovely! I would recommend to everyone to get out and, as they say in the south, "blow the stink out." Today was a beautiful, sunny day and on my way home from the grocery store, I rolled down my windows and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. It feels like springtime today. I heard the Robins singing, yesterday I saw a Bluebird! I'm going to go camping and horseback riding from Wed to Sun. I shortened the trip a few days in order to finish my research for Mil. I want to take as much off of Dh shoulders as possible! There is nothing better than getting out in nature, on the back of my horse, to help feel more normal! We all could use a little more "normal" in our lives!
Mae, I can't believe you finished that puzzle! It would take me months to finish that!
I hope that we all can have a normal, pain free, stress free week!
Claudia
P.s. Noooo, to the fever Micmel! Take care of yourself!
0 -
Mae, I have some of the same feelings about Ebru, Linda, Kandy, and several others. They lived their lives to the fullest until the very end. Ebru was always full of life, and appreciated every opportunity to partake of life's blessings. She continued to support people here until the end. Linda was still driving herself to appointments shortly before her death. She sent me a PM the evening before she passed, telling me among other things that her sister became nervous because she couldn't wake up Linda that morning. Still maintaining her sense of humor, Linda told me that her sister must not have tried very hard since she had no problem waking up when she was ready to do so. Kandy posted just days before she died, still quite rational and thinking about her family. I will miss them, yes. It will be a difficult time for their families and friends, yes, very difficult. They would like to have lived longer, yes, absolutely, but I believe they would be glad that they remained strong enough to enjoy life till the end. My hope is that I will be able to do the same. I try to enjoy each day I have rather than waste my days worrying about what has happened or what might happen next. Once a day is over, we can never get it back. Why not go about living while we can. That is not to say that I don't have bad days. Of course I do, but that is life!
I have an appointment with my MO tomorrow to talk about changing treatment. Ugh. I learned two weeks ago that I have progression, this time to my lungs and aortopulmonary lymph node. Those sneaky cells really can get around. Grrr. I like Ibrance and Faslodex and really want to stay on it. I feel great. I am going to listen to MO, ask lots of questions, have a good discussion, then make an informed decision. My DH will be with me.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My DH and I went skiing on Friday. We hadn't been skiing for four years due to health issues (both of us). It was so much fun. The weather was great, temp in the 20s. There were no crowds. It felt so freeing to coast down the trail and feel the wind in my face, the powder beneath my skis, and the speed of each run. i felt so ALIVE!
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
0 -
50sgirl, sorry to hear of the progression. Will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending positive vibes your way as you talk to your onc about changing treatment. Glad you had a great ski day on Friday.
illimae, thank you so much for your post about women here who share the heartbreaking process of leaving this world due to complications from breast cancer. I feel the same as you, that they are giving something to us when they share, yet my swirling emotions on the matter could not find the words the way you did to expain how they are helping us.....how we may better face our own fears when we find ourselves where they were. Kandy was so honest about her struggles and I really appreciated how she logged what she was going thru and what she was feeling in the midst of it all.
50sgirl, you express it so beautifully, too, that once a day is over, we never get it back, so we want to live full and meaningful lives, embracing both the ups and downs.
0 -
50’s, I’m sorry about the progression but am optimistic about the next course of action. In the meantime, ski and have fun. I love that you described it as freeing, so nice when we can catch a break from this and just have a good time
0 -
Mae~ let me know which puzzle you chose this time. I am totally into puzzles now. I am getting ready for bed early tonight fever is 100 and rising so I am on fever watch. Last thing I need is for this to go into pneumonia, since I only have one functioning lung. It becomes very scary when it settles into my chest, which I think tends to always do. I'm going to get some good long rest and hopefully nip it in the bud. If not I see an antibiotic run in my near future. Argggghhhh!! More medicine! thanks for your helpful view of how you showed the way you looked at those ladies passing so quickly. I agree it should be that way, mercifully! Thank you always for helping with honesty. ~M~
0 -
Claudia~ Hello lovely. I am smiling reading your post knowing how much you love getting on those horses. So special I can hear it in your words in the post. I am glad you felt free and got out. We took a drive and talked about everything. Then today we laid together all morning and laughed and talked and joked like we always do. I was in my safe place with the love of my world. That is really all I need. I realize my issue is completely him. 100% him. My kids will grow into normal adults and live their lives. I would like to know they are settled and safe. ButMy darkest and deepest fear lies within leaving this beautiful man that I have given my soul to and every inch of who I am. Scars and all, he welcomed the scars and has never shyed away. He is my gift in this terror called life and life with cancer now. I am going to spend every day loving him and my kids! Thinking about the day being gone is something I am going to try to think about more. I just want to live to love my husband, it's really all I am living for. The chance for our rocking chairs together. Be safe on your ride, thinking of your MIL! Hugs my friend ~M~
0 -
Lynne~(50's) I am sorry to hear of any progression at all. I do hear a sense of clarity from you to some questions for your MO. I also don't want to come off of ibrance. I want to be able to stay on this. And not change treatments. I'd be ok with that. My hair is growing like a weed and the fatigue sucks. But we mutter through it. I am sending you vibes of goodness for your visit to your oncologist tomorrow, we are all in your pocket. Supporting you. You're a special woman. Who has a wonderful way of making people feel at peace with the things you say. It is very helpful thank you...to see how others view things! Big hugs for tomorrow! ~M~
And skiing ??? Wow!!!! You really go girl ! That’s quite impressive ! Way to be free
0 -
Divine~ your name suits you. You say heart touching things that help people I hope you know how special you are and the things you say mean a lot. I always feel better when I get tonread your thoughts and feelings. I feel that way about all of you. That's what a sisterhood really is to me. Unconditional support and love, which is what I inteend to give, as long as I am able to remain here with all of you.
Mae~ have you ever been a skier? It's a lot of physical activity, I am impressed Lynne! I don't think I would do to well at all. I was never a good skier. Only softball and volleyball for me! Much love
Good night ladies. Time to bring this fever down with resting and fluids. Sleep well. Tonight .....(Gracie). 🤗❣️❣️
~M~
0 -
Lynne(50's), Wow! You got to ski! 25th won't take me because of bone mets in hips. He is worried I will fall. Your description was so great, I felt like I was there! I love that feeling!
Progression stinks! I am sure your Mo has a plan! We will be thinking of you and praying for good treatment options.
Hugs,
Claudia
0 -
50's girl. Yikes progression! You sound so calm. I'm very interested to hear what your MO says today. I get my PET tomorrow and results Thursday, so I am in scanxiety mode. It's not that I'm totally panicked at the thought of progression, but, like you, I'm used to my TX and having to change just brings up such a list of unknowns. I've only been on TX one year so hopefully I will see more response, not progression. The only thing that calms me is knowing there are so many new treatments out there for you, and me, to try.
I'll be watching here to read about your MO advice. We can all learn and get hope from each other's experiences. Praying for you today.💖
0 -
fever still here not going down. Just sleeping all day. Rough. Night. Everyone stay well until I can be. Back. Feel so sick with fever and coughing. Worrying it's the flu! Stay well beauty ladies. Wash those hands ! ~M~ Don’t need pneumonia 😞🤭
0 -
Lynne, sorry to hear of your progression. Please keep us posted on what treatment is next for you. We are behind you all the way. Micmel. Rest, rest, rest...don't forget to drink too. Hope you feel better soon! Maybe let your onc know you are sick.
0
